My Journey...

Still Alive...

2008-08-10T13:39:00.003-04:00

Just to let those of you who check in from time to time know that I am still alive and trying
to survive the chaos that is my life. I'm still smiling and am in the BEST shape of my life.

Did competitive cycling & karaoke this year. I've made some really good friends in these parts and I'm still making a study of life.

Jay took off for the summer- some traveling job. We are separated now. The kids went to PA for camp and visitation with the Grandparents.

I'm working my tail off and trying to decide of I'll still be a married woman in the next 6 mos. Still trying to decide where I stand with God at this time...

Life is an AMAZING journey. This will always be my motto- no matter what happens...

Thought Provoking Film...

2008-01-03T08:44:00.000-05:00

'The Kingdom' is a powerful film. Despite being an action movie, presented some deep underlying thoughts. Being a woman and observing how women are regarded in the middle east made me feel as if I was suffocating. The idea of my poor sisters walking around in burkas.... well, that's just not right! Why can't they wear colors or patterns? Is that too much of a turn on? Why must they look as if they are in mourning all the time?? I love black- goes with everything, but try wearing it in 100+ degrees with your face & every inch of skin covered. Guess the only advantage is they must not get skin cancer much. lol

Anyway, after an American citizen loses his wife in an attack, the husband tearfully asks a Muslim, "Does Allah love your children more than mine? Does he love your wife more than he did mine?" This is the same question I would be tempted to ask of any Muslim intent on killing someone just because they are not Muslim. I greatly admire the open-hearted Ghandi and his idea of peaceful resistence, but against a bully so hateful as an extremist, your chances are probably be best if I have a magnum strapped to my leg and USE it!

Although, he isn't mentioned in the film, journalist, Danny Pearl was an honorable, gifted and peace-loving man. He was in the Middle East to present a fair and balanced picture of the events that were happening. His life was taken in front of a camera by evil, animalistic rage. One cannot imagine the fear and extreme disappointment that coursed through his veins as terrorist supporters made an example of him. His heart was likely broken knowing he would not live to see his son be born and his wife would be left a single mother. There was no mercy shown to this kind man. There IS NO HONOR is such a killing!!

The film points out that for all our big talk about righteousness and morals, Christian nations and those of Islam are equally as guilty of hatred. Yes, sadly it's true and cannot be denied. Much good has been done in the name of Christ, but more atrocities have been performed and more lives taken by "Christian Crusades" and occupation by "Christian" nations than by Muslim terrorists.

I am NOT excusing terrorist behavior in any way. It's insane and inexcusable. I do not believe Allah is pleased with such murderous tactics.

Hurting people, hurt people.

No sooner do we discover we have a heart in this life, than it gets broken repeatedly. Pain creates anger, which breeds indignation & hostility. Although scarred, I still have a desire to appreciate and honor people. Every culture has something beautiful about it, some wisdom to share... if we are willing to look beyond the surface and breech the walls of prejudice.

Honestly, at times, our nation HAS been arrogant. Pointing fingers at other countries, calling them evil tyrants, but it wasn't very long ago, sons of the pilgrims who landed on these shores in search of religious freedom, were stealing land, murdering native women and children. Historical documents demonstrate that God-fearing whites of that day viewed Native Americans as "Heathen savages" and "less than dogs". A society that sat in straight-backed pews each Sunday, keeping it's women pale and corseted could not understand a culture of freedom and free spirituality.

Native silence at the forefront of any meeting, which was meant to honor the white man's presence, was interpreted as "ignorance". And violence against natives was justified in the name of "spreading the Gospel". (A message was definitely spread.) To this day, it's hard to find a genuine Native convert to Christianity. Why? Because Christians decimated Native culture with little apology or rectification. And don't get me started on slavery and the loooong struggle for civil rights....

Christians, Jews and Muslims are brothers and sons of the same Creator God. To see the three fight so intensely... well, it's heart-breaking. Strong religious culture gives people a sense of "rightness"- an arrogance that causes them to excuse away bad behavior if they are doing it "for the cause". Whenever we become blind to the humanity and uniqueness of others, genocide is a very real possibility.

Christianity is a beautiful concept that shares many common truths with Islam. Love one another, your neighbor as yourself, extend hospitality, forgive others and give sacrificially to those in need. Maybe someday, we'll get it right??

The action sequences in the film were intense. My only disappointment is that Jen Garner didn't get more speaking parts. If you see it or have already, I'm interested in what you think.

Not A Baby Anymore!

2007-12-30T12:35:00.000-05:00

Last night we had a birthday party for my youngest. She is now 7, so we had a little party for her with a few friends over last night. 3 gifts. Strawberry cake with pink icing- she was thrilled! . Just losing her first teeth. Such a cute, sweet girl. Took 4 tries to get one like me and Josie is certainly her Mama's daughter. Jared & Beth are a LOT like their daddy- very laid back, somewhat timid and content to wait for life to come to them. Kellie is a good mixture of the two of us, she is incredibly artistic. All 4 of the children are very intelligent and have an ear for music.

I think Josie may go far in life. She's a go-getter, fun-loving but brave- not afraid to try new things. When she is sad- which rarely happens, she cries a little and wants to be held, then she's ready for more fun. She loves to dance. The only part where she's vastly different than me is that she LOVES pink & frilly things.

My girls are beautiful and are going to get noticed. Hope they will be popular, but reasonably assertive. I have raised them to be kind, but no push-overs. I reject the idea that females should be wimpy & stupid or bitchy & sarcastic all the time. I want my girls to take pride in the way they look, but not to the point of being vain. I want them to value themselves, but always look for potential in others. I hope they will stay active and on top of things as far as their health goes.

Lastly, I hope they will eventually find men who love them as they are. REAL men who will be successful and can make them feel like ladies.

"Dear Josie,

You were a wonderful surprise. Your Dad & I thought we were done having kids. We were trying to decide which of us would "get fixed" when I became pregnant with you. Whenever the 5 of us would sit around the dinner table, I had this strange feeling that someone was missing. As soon as you were born, I knew you were here. My heart is full because of my children.
You were a good baby and TOUGH! You put up with all the bumps & snuggles from the other kids- always had a smile on your face. I'll never forget how quickly you learned to ride a bike and how you now like to follow me around when I'm cooling down from a training ride. You keep up pretty well!! Although you still sleep with your "Pink Blankby", you are not a baby anymore. (A fact I meet with mixed emotions.)

Josie, I hope you will feel secure in my love for you and in who you are. Try to maintain a good relationship with your Daddy- he loves you too. Don't rely on boys to make you feel good about yourself. Take pride in your heritage and in who you are. Boys are a VERY nice part of life, but they are not life itself. Be comfortable enough with who you are to be on your own when/if necessary.

I was raised to believe that without a man in your life, you're pretty-much a zero. Don't settle for the first nice guy that's "willing to put up with you". Wait and make him wait. This is going to sound very old fashioned, but take your time. You are a treasure, don't just give yourself away to some flatterer who talks a big game. He must be worthy. Make sure he knows how to manage money. Yeah, he may dress sharp & have a fancy car, but if he's already up to his eye-balls in debt, life could get pretty bad.

Relationships can be very sticky ordeals- don't rush into anything. Make him find you, don't chase him down or let it be a one-sided effort. Let him be the one to set the pace, or it's likely YOU will have to be the one who sets it for the rest of your life. There are a lot of slackers out there looking for a woman who can provide for them. That kind of arrangement can get exhausting. It still works better the other way around, or if both of you contribute- that's great too. Don't marry someone you have to carry.

The dreams that are in you now are important. Believe in yourself and give it your best shot. I will do my best to help you reach the goals you set. Know that if you ever fail to reach a goal, I will be here for you, to pick up the pieces and help you start over. As long as a heart beats within my chest, you will never have to feel that you are standing alone.

People make mistakes. That's a fact of life. I was raised to never think outside the box or make a mistake- which was very confining. Make your mistakes, test your theories- and learn whatever lessons life has in store. This will make you genuine. You cannot do anything so "bad" that I will stop loving you or turn my back on you.

Take time to consider other points of view. There are many cultures and opinions out there. Never allow yourself to reach the point where you feel you have everything figured out. The day you do, your growth as a person will cease and your mind will begin to close.

Don't be foolish or careless, you have to live with consequences. Realize that people can be VERY judgemental and unforgiving. At times, those who feel threatened by your confidence and abilites will try to play head games and make things miserable for you. Hold your head up, walk away when you need to and you will have self-respect. (Remind me to explain the "Secret Female Code" to you someday.) lol

If anyone ever intentionally hurts or messes with you, they will have ME to deal with. :o) If you are unsure about a guys intentions toward you, bring him home. We'll have a BBQ and invite all our Ninja friends. I'll demonstrate my accuracy with a high-powered weapon in the backyard. (If he ever asks you out again, he's probably sincere- lol)

You're MY girl and I have every confidence in you. I will do my best to remove obstacles that stand in the way of your success.

Do well in school- develop your mind and learn how to look and act professional. That may not be considered "cool", but while those who mock you are sitting on their tails or trapped in minimum wage jobs someday, you will have good work. Effort toward higher education is never a waste of time.

Some of these things I have said are still a little over your head at this point, but I want you to know I believe in you and always will."

Love, Your Mama XOXO

Dialogue with My Heart...

2007-12-21T09:28:00.000-05:00

Settle my heart, simmer down, accept what is before you...

Nobody gets everything they dream of. Aside from a few lucky souls, the rest of us simply end up getting by the best way we know how, so settle in- you are still young and have a long road ahead. Celebrate the few successes you have had.

Heroes are not made on race tracks or stages. The strongest people are those who wake each morning to find themselves in ordinary, even dismal situations to smile and meet their obligations anyway. Perhaps I only say this in order to accept my present reality? There is no other alternative. Steady now, steady...

You were not born to privilege, you have NO inheritance to claim, at this point, your gifts may never lead to great success. Although you want to make a difference, reality has spoken. Your name may never be remembered beyond the grave. The bars upon this guilded cage represent choices, your own and decisions others have made.

For all your good intentions, this is the plate before you, take a deep breath, let go and make the most of the ride you are on... is that really so bad?

Stop trying to re-define the world by who you are, what you wish to see, for the world will never embrace all that you believe. You are very small, your feelings do not matter. Eventually, though you beat wildly against it, the world will define you- why fight it?

To be human is to have need. Need keeps us weak and unfulfilled. Many factors lie beyond our control. Much is far beyond our grasp... or is it?

Settle my heart, leave me be... there is no such thing as lonely.

You've earned some merit, all shaken and scarred. Still you long for connectedness, wisdom, excitement and defining moments. You have made so many new starts, you are tired. But on a good day, when the sun is out and the music is right, there is NO stopping you.

Life seems to create artists, but fails to provide paint & canvas. Dreamers are left with no resources from which to make reality of their visions. Dancers are trapped in disabled bodies. With such passion for life, and a low ceiling overhead, some of us may never fly- how cruel.

Settle my heart, quiet now, let me rest.... I need to focus on today...

The "Secret Female Code" Shhhhh

2007-12-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

The past week was interesting! :o)

The aggressive growth in my face was benign and was removed last Tuesday. I have stitches & a bandage on my face until the stitches come out this Tuesday. Went to a plastic surgeon and he did a good job, so hopefully, there will be no scar.

I arrived at work Thurs. discover the old weight machines that I wanted removed were finally being disassembled and taken OUT of the Fitness Center. YEAH!! Out with the old and in with the New.

A $20,000 grant came through for us. Mr. Grumpy-pants from the Health Department must've liked my kind response to his rude e-mail because when he showed up with the paperwork Fri, he was really nice- almost apologetic and had added an extra $1,000 to the grant money he had promised for a total of $9,500! :o) (I won't be in any newpaper photos for these though, because, frankly I'm not lookin' so hot with stitches in my face.) Oh well. Maybe we'll find a curly, red wig for Coach Hill and let him accept the checks. Ha ha ha

Two fitness instructors pulled out. They are BFF's and after teaching the same classes for years, I think they finally just got burned out. So, it looks like, when 2008 begins, I'll be teaching 'Kick-boxing' Mon, 'Pilates' Wed & 'Interval Cardio' Fri. Still teaching 'Strength & Stretch' Mon, Wed, Fri mornings and coaching FITT Kids twice a week. In addition to these, if the Spinning grant comes through I'm gonna be teaching that twice a week. Seriously though, it would be nice to hire another instructor! See, I get paid to have recess all day. Whoo-hoooo!!

Man, I'd better at least finish the blasted bike race this summer for all the workin' out I'm doing. Keep your fingers crossed for me on that- K? It's been so long since I've competed, just not sure I've got an edge. Lance Armstrong inspires me because he's older and has done so well. Brett Farve is amazing and 3 Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are older than me, so that makes me feel better.

The girls are doing well- growing like weeds! The offer on the house next door was accepted and I hope we can be in by the New Year.

My son got a B+ for his big writing project- I'm very proud. Each kid in the 5th grade had to invent a world & write about it. He finally brought the finished project home. I opened the cover on which he drew a picture of the imaginary place and the very first page says, "I, Jared dedicate 'Ice World' to my Mom who always sparked my imagination as a small child." (Okay, that is so sweet, I still tear up just thinking about it.) This is one of the memories that will be placed in my old hope chest with other little momentos of my children. I spent several hours each day for nearly 8 yrs, reading and telling stories to my kids. (Due to the strict nature of our religious beliefs, we had NO television until the last 3 years) I taught each of the kids to read because I wanted to be the one who gave them the gift of words. My littlest one, Josie now reads like a champ in 1st grade. :o)

Okay, one short little rant and I'll feel better: lol

I'm standing in the Fitness Center talking to one of my new Personal Trainers. He's a really nice guy- competitive body-builder. Anyway, we probably talked a good 20 mins while I was waiting for the floors to dry so I could start moving equipment. There was nothing inappropriate said and several feet between us. 3 older ladies were walking the track. I said, "Hello" when they first started and they all smiled. But after they had gone by several times, one of them started shooting me "the look". I HATE that look! It's the dirty look that says, "You little hussy, who do you think you are talking to that man?!" This happened two or three times and she was VERY CLEARLY trying to send me a message.

Okay, lady GET a LIFE! He's married with 3 kids, he is MY employee and I'm gonna have to interact with him sooner or later. Don't be hatin' on me 'cause I get to talk to him and YOU don't. Besides, if I was hittin' on him, would I be doin' that in public.... with a big BANDAID on my face?!

In the end, I went ahead and cut the conversation short and he left. When the ladies were done walking the track, they settled into the Cardio room. I walked right past them on my way out, smiled and said, "Well, hello again!" The staring lady looked at me coldly and said, "So, you know Daryl, huh?" I said, "Yes, he works for me" and she said, "Well, I work at the dental office where he, his WIFE and children go." Yep, the lady was sending me a message. This kind of thing seems to happen no matter where I go and I'm SICK of it!

So, here is a tongue-in-cheek reveal of the rules of insanity women make up for other women concerning "appropriate" social behavior:

1) You are only allowed to talk to men I'm not secretly attracted to.
2) If I think you are younger, hotter, popular or more successful than me, I will HATE you- it's just the natural order of things.
3) If you are talking to someone of the opposite sex and your spouse, nor their spouse are present, that automatically means an affair has/is or is gonna happen and I am automatically entitled to be suspicious and to voice my suspicions to everyone I feel may be interested in a little dirt fest.
4) You are not allowed to speak to any male that me, my Mother, sister, Aunt's cousin or roomate may even be remotely interested in. We may NEVER let on that he is the object of our fantasy lives, but you'd better just KNOW- that's how "the code" works.
5) If I send you the hate stare, it's not bluffing, I REALLY DO hate you and when you see the signal, you'd better respond by cowering and ending whatever interaction you are having with my secret hottie ASAP.
6) If you are fit and/or have a nice body, I automatically have the right to berate you to all my girlfriends by saying that you've had a boob job and wear a wig. If your name ever comes up in conversation when any male is present, I am entitled to enlighten him as to your every flaw. "Who her? Well, I saw her in the locker room once shaving her beard".... "You know, underneath all those workout clothes, she is grotesquely disfigured." You HAVE been warned!
7) You should automatically KNOW when I have PMS and stay out of my way! Hisssssss
8) If I don't like cars, action films, sports, the great outdoors or fitness, then you can't like that stuff either or the guys may think you are cooler than me and I WON'T allow it.
9) The only reason any woman interacts with any man is because she's offering a piece. Friendship between a mature male & female simply is NOT possible so don't even go there, lil' miss innocent.
10) You are NEVER allowed to be friendly, confident or successful. I am the only one allowed to be that way and I ALWAYS deserve to be the center of attention. If I suck on Karaoke night, you better not do better than me. You should be content to keep silent and stay OUT of my way...
11) If you fail to abide by any portion of "the secret female code" I am then free to destroy you in any way I deem necessary to make myself look or feel better than you.

Can any of you ladies relate? Have you ever fallen victim to "the secret female code"? Guys be glad you get to live by different rules. I wonder, is there a male code, we ladies don't know about??? If so, do tell....

Results

2007-11-18T12:54:00.000-05:00

IPIP Test Results

Paulena, your most unique quality is that you're Conscientious and Caring

You are the kind of person others can depend on. You carefully analyze the information, but your feelings also weigh in on the decision. You're confident, artistic, passionate, competent, fun-loving, self-disciplined, and able to carry through with any plan you create. You respect others, but do not trust easily, keeping your inner circle small.

You are not afraid to consider an unpopular point of view, but your base for decision-making is well founded. You're also good at weighing the pros and cons of any situation and making sound, well-informed decisions.

Compared to others who are conscientious, you are unusually competent and highly motivated, knowing what to do when needed, and confident that you will do it well. You take time to weigh the facts and listen to your heart. Only 2.3% of all test takers have this unique combination of personality strengths. For a more in depth analysis, please click the link below.

Well, guess I've got them fooled- eh? lol These tests are always interesting...

On the Outside

2007-11-17T23:41:00.000-05:00

Today I sit here relaxing and writing a blog on a day when I used to be parked in a pew at church with a smile pasted on my face. There was some genuine joy in me then, but in so many ways I was going through the motions. That whole scene masked a lot of pain. We ALL have it. Some people cope in ways considered "worldly", others cope by burying themselves in religion. I don't want to cope, I want to LIVE!

What a strange thing, life is.

For the most part I'm glad to be on the outside. There are days when I still feel torn. I'm a social person, so I miss the social aspect of the churchy life. I have a conscience, so the e-mails I have received from those "concerned about my salvation" do prick at me.

However, I am deeply spiritual and do not miss being dictated to as to how I should think, live, believe and worship. If the social aspect is the major draw and not the spiritual, then something is wrong in the big picture of religion. I think many people cling to religion because they like feeling they are "right" while everyone else is "wrong".

Hey- I DO care and that's what makes life so tough for me right now. I take time to consider things because I DO want to be the best I can be. I believe in God. Not so sure He believes in me. If He really is as powerful and caring as people say, surely He would've found a way to reach me by now? Not asking for something profound, but there is only silence. My faith hangs by a thread.

Staying busy numbs me. When I have down-time, I have to face the fact that I'm not exactly happy or fulfilled in my personal life. Make the most of it..... make the most of it.... push through and hold on to hope..... be honorable to my word. Keep telling myself to be thankful, that it could always be worse. But it could be better too and that's the torment of the unknown....

Being in your 30's is a lot like being a teenager again. You have lived long enough to have gained some wisdom, but still have many unanswered questions. At this point, I find myself asking "Is this it? Is THIS all there is to life, to love and success? To push through one hard time after another, to invest yourself in one dream, one relationship or career after another only to watch it come crashing down?"

Life is a process.... a journey.... but we're all seeking a destination. Many think they have already arrived- okay, more power to them! lol

And of course, I wonder if I am the only one who ever feels this way. Perhaps I'm losing out? Maybe life is incredibly good and I simply lack the ability to see that?? What is this ache, this hunger inside? It's been there all along and I have tried to mask it in so many ways. Proof to me that time does NOT heal all wounds. I am beyond cliches.

Perhaps it is the little girl in me who wanted so desperately to have parental love, support and security, but received so little. I don't know how to love halfway, but I have been loved that way. Not sure what to make of it. Could I recognize true love if I had/have it? Only time will tell...

When people say they care about you, but words or actions say differently, it is downright confusing. In the church, they call each other "brother" and "sister", but many have NO idea what being a family means. Overbearing criticism, trying to dictate or control someone else's life, shunning and gossiping about them is NOT love people, so you can take that WWJD bumper sticker off your car now. (I honestly think everyone does the best they can in life.) But to me, claiming to be Christ's follower is making a VERY big claim and ya better be able to back it up.

Growing up is tough. There are people who give both positive and negative predictions about your future when you are young. I was told I was bright, talented and promising by many, but just as many called me "white trash". Which is it? Should I even care??

If you allow other people to define you, there's the possibility that you will not like what you have become. So I've stepped out in an attempt to define myself. It's the scariest thing I've ever done, but in order to maintain my sense of being REAL it's a necessary step.

I realize that my choices, my attempts to find the answers may hurt or disappoint other people. This is NOT my intent. Everyone has the right to believe and live as they see fit. This has been true all along and I have been accepting of other people and their paths. Just didn't realize that freedom applied to MY life as well. I see it now...

We all affect each other- no matter what we do. I want my footsteps in life to leave as little damage as possible.

Wise Sayings...

2007-11-11T22:29:00.000-05:00

"Though rapture brings us delight, the weakness of our nature at first makes us afraid of it, and we need to be more resolute and courageous in life." ~ Saint Teresa of Ávila

"We do not stop playing because we get older. We get older because we stop playing." - Unknown

"It's just life. Not meant to be understood, just meant to be lived." - Dale Shepherd

"The way to a good life is not in playing it safe. At the end of our years, we should come skidding in sideways, hands in the air, body thoroughly worn out yelling, "Whoo-hooo, what a ride!" - Unknown

"Life does not favor the timid. Sooner or later we all must depart. Knowing this full well, we should not be resigned to fate, but go out as lions." - Unknown

These sayings totally ring true for me. Sometimes the things that would make us the happiest are those we fear the most. We cannot allow fear to rule our lives. I am still learning how to take necessary risks. To believe in one's self is not easy. There will always be nay-sayers, but time is short, embrace life to it's fullest!

Sometimes we do not feel we deserve happiness and deny ourselves the joy of many experiences. Some feel they are holier for this. Others refuse to expand their minds by considering other points of view. Is this really the best way? Why is it we can only seem to believe in a God that denies enjoyment? Is the idea of a God who created us to find pleasure in living TODAY so far fetched??

What then? I'm not saying act the fool or be stupid with your life. One must be wise about each undertaking. But moving ahead with little support and no guarantee of success when the odds are stacked against you is what separates the dogs from the pups.

People can say what they want about me, I'm not gonna stop playing. There's a part of me that will NEVER grow up and I'm okay with that. It's workin' for me and my kids think I'm a cool Mom for this very reason. These days I'm up for just about anything. Skating, skiing, dancing, dreaming, driving, racing. Heck, I may even go parachuting. If I can find some big guy I can trust to take me up, I may just go for a tandem jump out of a plane one of these days...

I grew up WAY too fast. I was strict and serious far too long. My new approach in life is to go for it 'til I'm all played out. Work? Oh YES and plenty of it, but ya gotta have fun in life. In order to have a strong sense of self, you must take the risk of being misunderstood. I'm NOT afraid anymore.

I Think...

2007-11-08T09:21:00.000-05:00

I think what makes someone wise is not necessarily knowing all the answers. Greater wisdom is found in knowing how to ask a lot of intelligent questions.

I think the shortest path to healing is to try and give to someone else the very things you were never given. To invest in others what nobody invested in you. To see and develop potential in others that people failed to nurture in you. Help someone bring to life the very dream you may never come to realize for yourself.

I think that if you have ever been deeply in love- even if it was only once or a very long time ago, you should count yourself lucky. Cherish that memory and never let it go. There are many people who have never had a soulmate.

I think the best motivator is to speak kindly to someone and know how to truly listen.

I think words are one of the greatest gifts we possess. In times of joy or pain, words draw a picture of what the heart feels and opens a window, offering a glimpse into the deepest regions of the soul.

I think every woman should have the chance to comfort a man. Every man should know the feeling of being helpless in a womans arms. She is very powerful in this way.

I think God is in and with and surrounding us all. He is a powerful presence manifested through the power of love.

I think music is magic. It releases all that our words cannot express. Sadness, anger, gratitude and hope. I love instrumental music- it allows my heart to interpret what the composer was trying to say. Everyone should attend the symphony at least once.

I think life is lived best when one is familiar with a wide range of experiences and has considered a vast array of thoughts.

I think the most genuine prayer is silent and is comprised mostly of the wishes you have toward those you hold dear in your heart.

I think there are some wounds that will never heal in this lifetime. You may keep yourself distracted or learn to cope more efficiently. The sting may lesson a little as years go by. All it takes to re-open the wound is one statement from some unknowing or insensitive person, one nightmare and the pain is back.

I think you must be brave and try MANY things before you know what it is that you truly love most.

The Promotion!

2007-11-06T10:11:00.001-05:00

Yesterday we had a staff meeting at 1:00, during which an official from the Health Department came and informed us that due to many of the programs that have been implemented since I was hired, we qualify for an $8,000 grant from the state! They will be cutting us a check in the next few weeks!!

After that meeting, met with Barry & Bill who seem very pleased. My title has now been upgraded from a Coordinator to Fitness & Wellness Director. They are having new business cards made for me to reflect the change. Even though it won't affect my income much, this is going to look SO good on any future resume. But, I couldn't ask for a better management team to work with. I don't see myself movin' on anytime soon...

Jay is only working part time while he's in school. I've been doing 10 hr days, some weekends and wearing a number of different hats at West Branch Fitness. That doesn't leave much time for blogging. Walking away from the desk job at the YMCA was one of the best moves I've made in my life. I feel this current position has given me an opportunity to make a real difference for the poor and suffering in this community. It is very rewarding.

I'm so happy about this promotion, my head is spinning right now! Feel like celebrating fer sure, but it'll have to wait until this coming weekend. ;o)

Now, if the blasted financing will go through so we can buy the house next door, life will be feeling a little more normal. I'd like nothing more than to be settled in before Christmas.

It's SNOWING- big beautiful flakes. It was like a magical wonderland driving home last night.

It was the best day I've had in a VERY long time...

Something has Changed...

2007-11-06T10:01:00.000-05:00

For most of my life, I watched helplessly as one thing after another fell apart. The last 5 yrs were intense. I was tired- plain & simple. It's been one big roller-coaster ride since I was 5 yrs old. Not easy to cope when your parents divorce twice in 6 yrs- both re-marrying a year later. Lived in poverty much of my childhood. Try navigating that emotional mine-field without any real guidance. Or how 'bout raising 4 kids with no family around to help and a man who works 12-16 hr days for over a decade of your marriage? Any takers??

Dealing with the nonsense from a chemically imbalanced mother and an emotionally vacant father has been no picnic. Combine all that with feeling constant pressure from the church to force myself to be something I'm not. It was a huge burden to carry and pushed me toward the edge.

Jay ignored the warning signs at work- refused to look for any other kind of job and ended up fired with no back-up plan. We lost the farm and our beautiful house. I lost a growing music career and 5 amazing friends. He ignored the warning signs in our marriage until I was fed up and ready to walk.

Some people up here felt sorry for us. Stayed in their boarding house 'til we could find jobs and a place to live. (an interesting experience all the way around) Jay worked as a cable installer for a while. Decided to go back to school and try a new direction. A friend eventually helped him get a job as a medical equipment supplier with reasonable hours.

I found work almost immediately upon arrival. Resigned several months later, due to some wierdness that was going on. (Sorry, but drama in the workplace? I don't play that!) Applied for Front Desk job at the 'W', but when they looked over my resume they hired me in management. So here I am and despite the occasional frustrations at work, I'm lovin' it!!

So many big changes in rapid-fire succession left me numb & angry inside. I refuse to be bitter and don't want to burden other people with a bunch of whining. So I've worked through it all the best way I know how- express feelings in a blog and workout hard to handle the anger.

This week, something broke. Found myself sobbing for a good long time- just letting go... of my friends, my dreams and the life I was trying to have. It is what it is. Time to buck-up and deal with it.
My worst fear all along is that I will end up being like my Mother. Divorced, alone, and pathetic- SO much drama. Unlike her, I'm not Bi-polar/Schizo- if I was, I'd stay on the medicine so I could function normally.

I'm educated and reasonably mature, can hold down a job for years at a time. I tend to make better choices. She always bailed when things got hard- no coping skills. That's NOT me. If I have any fault it's that I don't know when to let go. (I did let go of the YMCA though- yeah- that was a good move!)
Depression tried to bring me down- ain't happenin'- kicked that to the curb. So I've made my choice. Wasn't hard. Not like I had/have many other options. I want to be able to stick with the promise I made.

I've never known security or stability. Not sure I'd recognize it- even if it hit me in the face! Moved every 1-2 yrs my entire life- sometimes more than once a year. The constant changes meant I've never had any real sense of community. The church was a POOR substitute for having a real family. Guess the saying still holds true that blood is thicker than water. In other words, only your real family will love you like family. I simply had the misfortune of being born into a family that- for the most part, didn't give a darn. Scattered all across the country and rarely kept in touch or got together... Put myself out there for years trying to connect, but it made no difference. Movin' on...

The biggest mistake all along has been looking to other people (including my parents) for approval. In the midst of the chaos in my life, I've learned to respect myself. I like me- so ya better treat me right! Anyone negative or controlling can GO! (Partly why I'm no longer in church.) It's their God-given duty to get in your business, they want to change people. For all the self-righteous talk of love & charity, they will kick you when you're down. Been there, done that- too many times. Over it!! Yeah I forgive, but those wounds will always be there. (Thanks for the memories!)

Jay is still here. That's the closest thing to security I've known. He's been doing his "homework" and is treating me better. He has apologized repeatedly for some of the poor decisions he made and for neglecting our relationship. He's trying to change for the better. A strong woman needs a stronger man. Not being difficult- that's just the way it is!

Call me stupid, pathetic, say what you will. I still believe in him. Someday, despite the sheltered life he led growing up, he will be a strong, confident MAN who knows his own mind. (I hope) If I were to leave him now, it would shatter him and splinter the family we have made.
I've definitely done my share of thinking. Maybe I'm breaking through to the other side...

So, I fell asleep in his arms last night watching Football.

Bear the Wounds...

2007-10-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

Just a little update. Love my job. It keeps me busy and challenged, but that's good. We moved into this duplex and just 8 weeks later were evicted because our Landlord went bankrupt. YES, it is possible to have to move 3 times in under 8 months- life IS that cruel! I am still training as best I can to race next year. I have lost a total of 38 lbs. Hope I don't lose any more or I'll have nothing left to wear!!

The children are doing well. Jay & I are still trying to hold this marriage together.

During some of the darkest times of my life, I have looked to the sufferings of others to find strength. There are many who endured horrendously cruel ordeals. They worked through it somehow and so will I.

I realized today that in this life, some must bear the wounds. They must feel great pain and darkness. Once they emerge from the suffering, they can then be a source of encouragement to others facing their own set of challenges.

To suffer is a tremendous priviledge in that respect. It is to be embraced for a time, but it cannot last forever. The human heart only has so much strength to hold out for brighter days.

When I hurt the most, I try to find some other sufferer and lift their burden as well I can.

Being on the outside of organized religion allows me to do that in a whole new way. I don't have to wait on a church board, or the one in charge of outreach to get out there and make a difference. I see a need and try to fill it as best I can. This is a very freeing thing for me.

There are many things about God I do not understand, but I love Jesus Christ, the renegade rebel. He loved when others hated. Accepted those others rejected. If He was here today, I would most certainly fall at His feet and worship Him.

He suffered greatly, yet loved so deeply. This is the level of greatness I aspire to.

Keep it Alive!

2007-09-01T10:28:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine once said, "You must know where you come from, in order to know where you are going." Must say, I agree. Heritage is something to be treasured. Clothing, Food, Music and Traditions are meant to be handed down from generation to generation. This helps form your identity. Any oppressive cultural force in the world first aims to destroy the cultural traditions of their target population. History provides MANY examples of this cruelty.

Early Christian settlers committed terrible injustices against Native Americans. Broken treaties, massacre of entire tribes and the slaughter of the great Buffalo were only the beginning. This cruelty was justified in the mind of the white-man because he viewed the Indian as a "heathen savage". Learned recently that up until 1978, Native American children could still be forcibly confiscated from their homes and placed in government boarding schools. Pow-wows, public drumming and Friendship Fires- any large gathering of Natives were also forbidden until that time. Am I just being negative? I love this country, but this is the reality of our history- you won't hear much of this injustice in most text-books.

Africans were stripped (literally) of everything that was dear to them and taken across the sea. They were chained, sold like cattle and treated with the greatest of indignities in order to break them and convince them they were worth nothing more than a lifetime of slave labor.

Hitler managed to convince a majority of Germans that Jews were less than human and had weaker genetics. Jewish symbols were banned from display- except for the Star of David they were forced to wear on their sleeves. Upon arrival to a concentration camp, it was not uncommon for Jews to be forced to strip in public- a form of humiliation. Sadly, Hitler studied American tactics with the Native Americans. He got the idea of placing Jews in concentration camps from our "brilliant" Indian Reservation idea. The Nazi understood that if you treat people badly for long enough, eventually, they feel worthy of your mistreatment and cease to resist.

For all their pompous, tea-time behavior, the English were among some of the most inhumane. Scotland & Ireland suffered tremendously under England's greed. Many in England wanted to unite the 3 cultures to form one strong country, but in order to do so, the English Lords would have to strip the Celtic nations of their pride. They charged unreasonable rents for hovels & land they had STOLEN from the Celts in the first place. They refused to give a fair market price for wool, potatoes, mutton, etc. So the Celts were forced into poverty, then punished when they couldn't pay-up. Farms were burned, children were hanged and a young bride was taken sexually (raped) by whatever Lord happened to rule over her lands the night before her wedding. (Try being a Celt in love and not be the first to have your beloved- harsh!) Kilts were banned, Bagpipes forbidden and Gaelic was not to be spoken, only English. Unlike many other cultures who submitted, the passionate Celts consistently resisted oppression until they finally organized and threw the English out on their arses.

In the harbour of New York there stands a statue that reads, "Send me your tired, your poor, your hungry...." Nice sentiment, but have we really been that charitable?

My Scot ancestors came here in the late 1700's as indentured servants (slaves) in order to escape the constant bloodbath that was Scotland. They worked hard and tolerated mistreatment for decades, earned their freedom, bought land and settled in the midwest. My Irish kin came in the early 1900's during a time when the Irish were hated in this country. In order to blend in, they dropped the O' from their name and refused to speak Gaelic. The family plaid was put away and stories of home were lost in the effort of 'becoming American'.

Those of Celtic, African, Muslim descent are likely to know very little of their family history, traditions or language. This saddens me.
The US has worked very hard to become more tolerant of other cultures. We now have Black History month. In recent years Bush named March, Celtic-American month. What about Native American month, Mexican-American, Italian American and Chinese American months? Chinese immigrants are largely responsible for our amazing railway system. There should be an Italian-American month, simply because they brought us such GREAT foods!! 'Bout time proper recognition is given to those who helped build this country while living under deplorable conditions.

My family is not exactly close-knit and hasn't taken much pride in the family tree. Most of the history I've learned about my Celtic roots, I've had to pursue on my own- it was not passed down much. Unlike my forebearers, I don't need to hide my heritage in order to be successful- I enjoy celebrating it. The family tartan is back on display. It has become an important part of my identity. My children know where we came from and much of the history of our ancestors, whose strength is in our very blood. A sense of pride has been reborn.

So, where do you come from??

Getting By...

2007-08-26T19:42:00.001-04:00

So many changes in such a short span of time- my head is still reeling...

I am enjoying my work as the Fitness & Wellness Coordinator for the 'W'. This is the first major good thing to happen in my life for a very long time. I'm still holding my breath, because after a loooong run of terrible luck it's hard to relax and believe that maybe something will go my way. So far, so good with my new position...

The children, bless their hearts have done so well through all of this. They start school next week. Jay & I have tried to keep the stress in our lives from affecting them as much as possible.

Our marriage is still in flux. Not sure what to do about it. The past 14 yrs were not exactly a picnic for me. Jay was all caught up in his career, but I was bored, lonely and taken for granted for most of this relationship. I need some kind of stability financially & emotionally. That has never happened. So here we are forced to start over in our 30's and the big question on my mind is "Do I really want to start over with this man? Will things improve between us or will the next 14 yrs between us be as dull as the last." I cannot live my life that way. It was very difficult. (No, I don't have anyone else, so this is not about going after another man.) When I got married, I was only 19, but I meant it for life. Now, I'm just not sure anymore. We have very different personalities. I'm a go-getter and he's just so laid back. He's a good worker, but beyond that, he's like a turtle and I'm a cheetah. There is so much at stake here. I want to spare my children the chaos I went through as a child due to my parents divorces. Never dated much, only had 1 serious relationship besides Jay, so I don't have anything to compare it with. He's a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm the one he needs either. He says he's ready to change. When I took off my wedding band, that got his attention. Says he loves me more now than ever. We'll see... Lots to think about...

Jay is registered for school- starts tomorrow.

I have been training for the Bike Fest next summer. Hope to at least finish the race. It will be tough to keep up my training during heavy Winter months, but should have enough Spring to crank it up again before the big event.

Well, now you know I'm still alive and kickin'.

Coming Out of the Dark?

2007-07-29T10:14:00.000-04:00

We are now living in a 4 bdrm, 2 bth duplex on an old Air Force Base. Jay & I both have work. I resigned my post at the YMCA 2 weeks ago due to some foolishness that was going on behind the scenes. Last week I got hired at a place called 'The W'. I am now in management for the first time with salary and I think this is a place that I can really dig in. My new job is only 2 miles from where we live so Winter snow will not be much of a problem.

Been putting my horse skills to good use working with disabled children in a Therapeutic Riding program. I am finding it very rewarding to work in this capacity. We help stretch twisted little limbs and put kids on horses. Riding strengthens core muscles and increases confidence. It encourages Autistic children to come out of their shells more. A lot of these kids will never run and feel the wind in their faces. The horses help give them some of that. One person leads the horse while 2 of us walk/jog along beside. If the child falls, we catch them.

I've been biking quite a bit. (Lost a total of 30lbs throughout this ordeal and want to keep it off.) Hope to race next year...

Jay & I are still trying to salvage whats left of our relationship in order to keep this family together.

Well, we aren't celebrating too much yet, but it looks like MAYBE, just maybe we are seeing some kind of light at the end of the tunnel now...

I'm Still Alive...

2007-07-06T21:20:00.000-04:00

Just so you know, I've had limited time & access for blogging. Hope to be up and running again soon. We are out of the boarding house and living in a Duplex now, so at least we have our own space. Not sure if we are going to stay together or not. Life has a way of killing joy, love, passion. Martina McBride puts it this way, "No love can survive for long like this, when you're standing on a bridge that's always burning..." All I have ever craved has been some sort of stability. Instead I've moved every 2 years my entire life, chaos has been the main course, and I have always felt like an expendable side-item to my husband. He says he wants me in his life, and he will make promises and put forth effort for a short time, then it's back to the same ol'. I am a nurturer- or at least I was before the most recent storm hit- now I have this incredible numbness inside. I am angry and grieving. I am alone. Terribly alone. Most of the time I feel strong. I'm still smiling and the people at work probably don't have a clue how I'm feeling inside. I am pretty-much invisible at this point.

I'm doing okay. My world has fallen apart. I am coping the best way I know how- staying busy, working out and trying to keep some semblance of "normal' for the kids. I have lost 30 lbs- which isn't a bad thing. Everything I believed in has been shattered. (I'm not sure I even want to record this part of my journey.) Very painful, extremely lonely and uncertain as to my future.

Make good choices in life, because every choice has consequences- either good or bad. We have to live with the decisions we make or break-away and hope for something better. At this point, I am in limbo as to which path I will choose. I am a lost sheep...

Sometimes...

2007-06-09T21:49:00.000-04:00

Most of the time I am strong, fearless and full of fight. Sometimes at night, I am shaking inside and just want to be held...

I laugh and smile a lot, but sometimes when I'm alone, I let my guard down and cry... there is no one to wipe my tears...

I'm a unique mixture of tough & tender. Sometimes I feel invisible...

Sometimes I'm tired of having a heart, but to live without feeling or passion is no life at all. This is the saga of our existence..... to know both amazing joy and agonizing pain. It is possible for the two extremes to co-exist and this gives one the feeling of living on the razor's edge.

Most mornings I wake up ready to meet every challenge. Sometimes I wish the world would just go away and let me rest for a while. Life isn't fair and sometimes there's a silent scream inside me. If I work/workout hard enough, it goes away...

Sometimes I feel helpless- so much good I wish to do, but I'm only one person. I try but I can't fix things for people...

Sometimes the weight of my dreams lays heavy on my chest. Sometimes we allow great moments to pass us by because we're too afraid to take a chance. Sometimes the very thing you want most of all remains just beyond your reach and you must accept things that can never be.

The future is always uncertain. Sometimes you just have to stand tall and put one foot in front of the other anyway...

Staying...

2007-05-30T10:12:00.000-04:00

Things are going well with my job. :o) I've literally doubled my hours this month- 'bout time! Since I've been building such momentum, it would be a shame to leave and go to PA for the Summer, so I'm sticking around...

Last night, I was exhausted. Worked a 12 hr day fueled only by a banana, a small bag of Wheat thins and sheer determination to get the job done. When I was done, I went walking by the lake for a little bit. LOVE the lake. The moon was shining on the water, there was a gentle breeze blowing and a ship was leaving the harbor. Enjoyable! The only thing that would have made it better would have been someone to share the evening with. Jay worked all day and didn't get back 'til midnight. I waited up for him and we talked. I believe in complete honesty in a relationship and I've had a LOT of stuff going on in my head lately about life, love and other mysteries- however timing is important. He asked how I was doing. I was so tired, I just kinda rambled on. Jay listened, said a few things of his own, then decided he'd rather sleep on the couch than be with me. So I went down after him, we talked some more and he ended up coming back to bed. Both of us are tired, numb, frustrated and wondering. How could things go SO desperately wrong for two people who only ever tried to do what's right? We have lived according to our conscience, made many sacrifices in the name of God and church. Our dreams are dying. Many of the things that brought us together no longer exist. Music and ministry being the main things. We are financially ruined outcasts now with little hope left for a better future.

Today, when we got up, I apologized- told him that some of what I said was out of fatigue. He was cold and business-like. Then he got online to check our bank account and saw that we had 4 bounced check fees- non were purchases I made. He told me that I should bail on him, that he just can't handle things. (Not sure whether he meant it or not.) Poor guy! Life has really turned on him. He was gone for 2 wks training only to be told he'd have to wait yet another 2 wks before getting a first paycheck. Being a cable installer is only a means to get by- he really doesn't LOVE it.

I'm having a lot of self-doubt right now. Not sure I'm any good for Jay. We used to balance each other out. When he was down, I was up and vice versa, but when you are both down and you are constantly being told that you are wrong to feel that way- where do you turn for comfort? The churchy people have convinced us that God has abandoned us because we aren't perfect- yet they tell us to turn to Him?? If that's the way God is- a dogmatic, fairweather friend, then no thanks!

I've never been here before. The excitement of new love is long gone, the thrill of building our family is over, passion has pretty-much gone out the window (boarding in someone's house doesn't do much for the libido), our credit is ruined, friends are scarce, our faith is weak at best. I finally broke down, called my Dad and was crying on the phone. "Daddy, I'm tired. Some days I feel like I can't possibly go another step further." He listened intently and offered a place to stay if we ever needed it- haven't heard from him since and that was 5 wks ago. My children are precious, but I don't want to lean on them. They cannot hold me up. What/who am I supposed to hold on to????

So I fast, exercise HARD, work long hours and hope for some kind of clarity....

Ranting on Life...

2007-05-24T12:19:00.001-04:00

I have worked the closing shift at the YMCA most of the week- which means late nights. The weather has been beautiful- the kind that bids you to stay out and enjoy it. Worked late and then went over to the lake to sit and listen to music while enjoying the scenary. I have a LOT on my mind that I need to sort out right now. Some days I feel so strong and other times vulnerable. Never been like this before and don't know what to make of it...

There are several people who have said, "If you need anything, just ask." But is it not obvious what we need?? We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. Even the well-meaning have nothing left to give it seems. We need someone who can listen and not tell us we're wrong for feeling sad or that we're not "coping properly". I feel like saying, "Spend one week in our shoes and you'll be begging for mercy!" We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. We had a huge community of church-goers in TN. The way gossip gets around, I'm sure that half the population knows what happened, yet so few reached out...

I'd be willing to tough it out and stay here in MI until we're able to get a place of our own, but it almost seems like Jay WANTS me and the kids to go. Looked at several houses that would've worked for us in a pinch- nothing fancy, but he didn't see them as options. He'd rather us be apart than settle into something like that temporarily. I can't be too upset at him though, both of our minds are reeling right now. I'm still numb inside. There's a part of me right now that would push the restart button on my life if there were such a thing. (Thankfully, I have this blog where I can express myself. This should be quite entertaining to read years down the road, but for now it's seriously difficult.)

We had to get rid of one of our cats yesterday as she couldn't get along with the cat that lives where we are boarding. Now, I'm not a huge cat person, but I do respect/admire them and enjoy having them around. Saying goodbye to Mercy was just another part of life that we had to let go of. I rescued her off the road when she was just a kitten. NOTHING is remotely normal anymore. Jay was gone all last week, he's been gone this week and he'll be gone part of next week too. The loneliness is agony! I have lost a total of 17 lbs now. Just can't eat- my stomach feels like a rock. The kids are doing well in all this and that's the most important thing to me. I cry when nobody is around to hear me. Then I get dressed, do my hair, put on my smile and go to work to perform the whole charade of "Hi, how are you? I'm fine". Love my job, just wish it paid better.

A good part on all this is that I'm regaining a healthy sense of self. I've been going out to ride my bike in the early mornings. It's beautiful up here with all the fresh air. The Lilacs are in bloom! I'm listening to music that helped get me through hard times when I was younger. The kind that rallies me and helps me find inner strength. Yeah, some Christian stuff, but also Giant, Bon Jovi, Def Leopard, Bryan Adams, Mr. Mister. (Okay, for those wise, all-knowing sages who would like to offer me "helpful" advice about music- don't want to hear it, save your words.) Listening to Christian music right now is like pouring salt in the open wound. God is taking His sweet time up there while every day for us is a struggle and every night I've been pleading with Him to DO something. The church has done very little to help and at this point, I'm upset about that. For all their talk, and wagging fingers- I find that in one of the darkest times of my life they are useless. This is exactly what Jesus condemned in the Pharisees. They ignored the widows, the poor and helpless. No skin off their backs if people were begging, they had nice homes and good seats at the banquet tables. For all their religious piety, they were nothing but hot air.
So, I'm trying to cope in healthy ways and gather strength any way I can. Exercise and secular music. Say what you will but there's a LOT of good writing in some of their stuff. I know myself and where I wanna go in life. Not sure that I can wait around forever while Jay decides what he wants and how to get there. (I feel guilty for even feeling this way, but I am passionate and always have been decisive and strong- I need my MAN to be that way too.) He's been pretty uncertain of himself and our relationship for most of our time together. I really don't want to be apart this Summer, but he is giving me NO reason to stay. When push comes to shove, I can do it. I CAN take these 4 kids somewhere else and manage just fine. We'll see what happens...

New Quote...

2007-05-23T07:38:00.000-04:00

"Never make anyone a priority in your life- if you are only a side-item in theirs."

Someone just told me this and I'm still thinking about it. Wisdom or foolishness? What do you think??

Doors & Windows...

2007-05-22T12:10:00.000-04:00

I have been through the door of success a time or two and it was GREAT, but it only lasted a short time before closing. It only seems to open long enough to energize me for a while. Every one of us needs to know a little success- it allows us to truly celebrate with others when things go well in their lives.

I've walked through the door of devastation several times now. It was painful and each day felt soooo long. I'm getting pretty good at rebounding and re-inventing my strategy though. Hard times kick my tail and wear me out. I know what it's like to be at the end of my strength- holding my breath and hanging by a thread. But in a way that's a gift, 'cause I can be genuinely sad and offer a shoulder when someone else is down.

The doors of opportunity, happiness and order in my life seem to be closed for the time being, but as the old saying goes, "When God closes a door, somewhere He always opens a window."

I'm waiting for that window... In the mean time, maybe I'll get a tattoo... LOL

Today...

2007-05-16T16:58:00.000-04:00

Slept well last night, once I got to sleep. Woke up feeling rested. Don't know how many people are thinking of us or praying, but I felt a little better today.

I made several calls and looked for housing. NO luck.

We got a card with some money in the mail from relatives for our 14th wedding anniversary. That was really nice. We didn't get to celebrate though as Jay is 2 hrs away doing his training. He did call me on the evening of our anniversary to say that I'm the only thing in his life that makes sense right now and he's glad he married me. Nice to know- need to hear stuff like that more often.

We're not sure how things are going to turn out for us yet and don't really feel very festive. The money went directly into paying our room-n-board and I got some fuel, a pair of comfy shoes and a pair of pants for work.
Interestingly enough, a complete stranger sent us a check for over $100 and said that until we get back on our feet, he will send us $50 a month. That is very touching. Never met him and don't know how he knows us, but his kindness is felt.

Not a great day, but not a miserable one either. Just putting one foot in front of the other...

Counting Down...

2007-05-15T11:23:00.000-04:00

Hello God, it's me. You know me like no other. There are billions of other people out there suffering and praying and they are heavy on my heart, so I know You feel their pain even more. With so many other voices crying out, it's hard to comprehend how You can even hear me or consider my situation. When I was a girl and things were falling apart with my family, I was near the breaking point. My stomach was ulcerated and I was literally starving myself to death. You said that I should hold on because You were going to come through for me and strengthen my faith. I believed. You delivered.

Things in the world seem to be worse now and I know that's keeping You pretty busy. But could You please take a little time to look out for and prosper my family? Sometimes I feel that for the last 3 yrs You have absolutely turned Your face away from us and left us to Satan's torment. Will You ever bestow Your favor upon us in the future or are we cursed as some have said? People who look upon our situation are certain that we have committed some terrible sin or that we are just lazy, uneducated slackers. This is hard to bear.

Several weeks ago, I said a prayer asking You to come through for us. Now, You have 3 weeks in which to move on our behalf or the kids & I will be spending the Summer away from Jay while he gets established in his job and tries to find us a place to live. I'm sure he can do it, but I'm even more certain that YOU could if You deemed it necessary to move Your hand. The Bible says that You do not hold back any good thing. I consider a family staying together a good thing, but perhaps for some unknown reason it would be best for us to be apart for a while? The Bible also says that You are strong to defend. When will You start fighting for my family? When will You hedge us in and shield us from the evil one??

I know I am unworthy of ANY special favor. I've never asked You for an easy life, Lord. I'm willing to buckle down and endure hard times. I don't mind being stretched, but sooner or later the trial must end and the sun must shine or we will collapse- we are only human- have mercy. This morning as I stood watching my little girls sleeping, I felt such love for them. I know You love them even more, so will You please give us a future and some hope? I'm at the end of my strength. This situation is beyond us. Please, please hear us and turn this ship around from the course of disaster it's been on.

I do not understand Your ways, but I still believe You are the very definition of Good. I am counting down the days until I see a miracle...

Mother's Day Update...

2007-05-14T10:42:00.000-04:00

Had a really nice Mother's Day. My precious children made me a few little cut-out things at school which they presented to me. They seem to think I'm wonderful. While hugging me, my little Bunny said, "Mama, I love you bunches and if you ever died, I'd want a robot Mommy just like you." Awwwwww shucks! We went on a bike ride, had a barbeque and watched a movie after the kids went to bed. The weather was perfect- it was a very enjoyable time. Got to sleep in today as I don't work until this evening. :o) It's nearly noon and Jay is still in bed.

The YMCA increased my hours. They like my Customer Service and want to utilize me in other areas as well. My CEO told me last week that eventually he hopes to see me in management. Nice compliment, but like so many others I've been given over the years, it's just air with no substance- unless he's willing to help get me there. Words, words, we offer too many words and not enough action. We'll see...

Went and attempted to get on temporary public assistance again this week. Had all the extra forms they gave us last time filled out. As I sat across the desk from the woman who was so pert and business-like about everything, I thought, "Lady, do you really even care that 6 people have no place to live? This is just a job for you and we are simply more pathetic, hungry mouths to feed." I detest being a hard-luck case! Something in me wanted to stand up and rant in that place, but I sat quietly, shivering inside at the indifference. In the end of our groveling session, we walked out without receiving anything, but more hoops to jump through. You see, our youngest child (age 6) never received a Social Security card. We applied when she was born, and although she was assigned a number, she still has no card. NOT our fault- we did our part. But we had to re-apply for her to get a card and they can do nothing for us until she has one- which they say could be weeks- even months. Too bad... so much for having confidence in the system or it's "assistence". We have fallen through the cracks.

Thankfully, Jay's car is fixed and he got a job as a cable installer for Direct TV- starts training tomorrow. (I won't believe it until he gets his first paycheck.) When we finally have a place of our own, we will get free cable- yippeeee- every little savings helps. Just a few more weeks 'til school lets out now. We still don't have a place of our own to live... Time is running out until I need to pack up, take the kids to PA and enjoy the summer as a single Mom.
I am numb inside, but hanging in there. It's really strange. Most of the time now, I don't feel angry or sad- I'm just this neutral sort of resigned "pleasant". Fine for the time being. I'm not pushing myself to be anything else. I am where I am... It's been so long since I felt happy or at ease that I can't remember what it's like. But with all the other problems in the world, I'm well aware that mine are really quite insignificant.

I came up with an analogy for how I feel recently: My life is like being on a sinking ship in the middle of a vast ocean. Sooner or later I'm going under, but I bail with a little bucket until I am exhausted, trying with all my might to stay afloat for the sake of my family. As I look out around me, I see other ships in the water that seem to be floating along just fine. It's very tempting to jump off the boat I'm on, children in tow, and swim toward one of the other ships, but there's no guarantee they would stop and let us board AND I may drown from exhaustion or be picked apart by sharks before reaching one. Sooner or later all ships go down. Some are torpedoed and sink fast, while others speed along until they are dashed to bits upon some hidden rocks. My boat has a slow but steady leak. There are people who know my ship is sinking. They've seen it coming for a long time, but instead of doing anything to help, they say, "You should've chosen a better vessel and mapped a better course" or "Keep bailing, we've called upon the mighty Coast Guard to come assist you". However, there's nobody jumping in to bail with me- nobody sending a life raft. So I plant my feet firmly on the deck I'm on and resign myself to smile and keep bailing until strength fails and I have no more effort to give. Then slip silently and unremembered beneath the waves...

Ten Names...

2007-05-09T09:14:00.000-04:00

This one is fun! Give it a try! :)

1. REAL NAME- Paulena or Paula

2. GANGSTA NAME (First 4 letters of real name, plus izzle) Paulizzle

3. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color & animal): Blue Dog

4. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and childhood street): Krystine Blackbill

5. STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name.) Woopacam

6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color & favorite soda) Green Sprite

7. IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, )
Aotau

8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (grandmother/grandfathers first names) Verlene George

9. GOTH NAME (Black & the name of one your pets): Black Ember

10. NATIVE NAME (Fun activity, element in nature, name of wild animal)
Dancing Thunder Wolf

Taking Risks...

2007-05-09T08:58:00.000-04:00

Life is one big gambling session. We must be willing to take risks. From the moment we take our first steps, we chance pain. Love and faith are the biggest risks of all. We commit our souls to an unseen, often silent Higher Power. We make promises to one another while caught up in the rush of hormones and the warm-fuzzies of new love, feeling young and invincible. We pledge for better or worse, little knowing how bad "worse" can get, then what? I've got a LOT of passion & fight left in me, but right now I feel small and insignificant. It's a BIG world with so many needs- do I really matter?

When life seems to fall apart, God has not failed. Love does not falter, people do. So we have faith and take risks. Sometimes things turn out the way we hoped they would. Other times, we kiss our plans goodbye and go back to the drawing board.

I don't believe in mediocrity, I strive for excellence, though I am sincere I don't always hit the mark. Why is it we fail to celebrate those who give life a good try- only applauding those who "succeed"? How do we measure happiness & success?? Is the corporate "Big Cheese" with VIP parking truly a success or was he/she merely a good strategist? How many people were stepped on in order to get to the top?? Society applauds couples who stay married for decades- despite the fact that many of them couldn't stand each other or were bored out of their minds. Is that a successful relationship?

I don't believe success or happiness should be based on how many times we finish in the lead, or who dies with the most toys. It is NOT happiness I am after. No, I want satisfaction- that's something that goes deeper and can exist in good or bad times. Many things we chase in this life are somewhat unsatisfying once the newness wears off. The sports car, the fancy house, the lusty acquaintance... these things dangle on the big "happiness hook", but once pursued & tasted, one may find they come with a bigger price than initially bargained for. We only own possessions to a certain point, then they begin to own us.

At the end of my life, I want to bask in satisfaction. Didn't someone once say, "To try and fail is better than never trying in the first place"?

I can't help but wonder what happens when the best of our efforts & intentions aren't good enough to get us where we want to be? Who will be there to catch me when I am exhausted? I don't know, but I want to live with boldness, taking my licks and still smiliing...

My Big 5 Interview :o)

2007-05-05T19:36:00.001-04:00

Sage: “In order to get to know your household, what comic strip or cartoon character best describes each member of the household (including pets).”

In all honesty, our lives would probably mirror 'Charlie Brown'. Nothing ever seems to go right for Charlie Brown and there are several characters in that cartoon that remind me of my family. My son is like Pigpen- always getting into something and I have to remind him to wash. My oldest daughter is like Lucy, kind of bossy at times, but well-meaning. My middle girl is like Peppermint Patty- a Tomboy, and my youngest is sweet and innocent like Sally. I identify heavily with Snoopy- always coming up with new things to try.

Sage: “Be honest, did you read all of Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress? If so, which of Christian’s temptations and challenges have you struggled with the most. If you have not read it, describe beating yourself up with a wet noodle as an act of contrition.”

Yes, I did read it and Pilgrim's Progess is one of my favorite books. I can most relate to Pilgrim's struggle with despair. It seems to bog me down and at times, doesn't want to lift. Pilgrim eventually made it to the other side of despond and I believe that I will too.

Sage: “Name a favorite food of yours that your kids won’t touch.”

Hmmmm, we pretty much like the same foods. My middle daughter HATES mushrooms and I really enjoy them. I guess I'd have to say that Brussel Sprouts are a food I like and they hate.

Sage: “You say you’re Scot-Irish. Isn’t that like diluting Glenfiddich with Bushmills? How did your Scottish blood get so contaminated?”

LOL- My mother's side is Scot- Campbell of Argyll, while my Dad's Eire' side is O'Gallagher of Donegal. Both Scots and Irish are Celts from somewhat similar roots. Contaminated? Depends on who you ask I guess. Contrary to popular belief, not all Celtic-Americans are heavy drinkers. ;o)

Sage: “Both Murf and you seem to have a thing for 80s music? What do you think Murf’s favorite song from that era is? And since I spent most of the 80s catching up on the 70s, would I know it?”

Yes, the 80's had a lot of great songs! Bryan Adams, Mr. Mister, Bon Jovi, Mike and the Mechanics, Chicago, Phil Collins, Michael W. Smith, etc. Hmmmm, I'm guessing Murf's favorite song is 'Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend'- can't remember who sang that one off hand...

(If anyone else wants to be interviewed, let me know and I'll come up with 5 questions for you.)

Of Selfishness & Self-Pity..

2007-05-03T22:04:00.000-04:00

(This post is partly in response to a comment I received and deleted accusing me of "being ungrateful, drowning in self-pity and that I need to go take a Prozac".)

To put my situation into perspective- I realize there are many people out there who have it far worse than me. I feel for them. I also know there are plenty of people out there who have it better than me and I'm doing my best not to be jealous. What makes my situation so difficult is the fact that 4 lives are depending on me and my husband to do the right things and to make a life for them. I don't see how that is being "selfish".

Secondly, anyone reading this must understand that every person alive has their limits as to how much stress they can handle. Even Jesus Himself had times when He had to go off by Himself to regroup. In the Garden of Gethsemene, He was so stressed that He wept and was sweating blood and begging God to lift the trial. Jesus knows what suffering is like and that's why I love Him. Was He being selfish and drowning in self pity?
Human beings can only handle such instability so long before it affects sleep, health & outlook. Sleep? Affected- I'm taking a pill each night in order to sleep. Health? I've lost about 10 lbs in the last 6 wks- not complaining, just demonstrates that I'm under a lot of stress. My outlook? Well, I'm trying to look at things with a positive spin, but it's incredibly hard when time after time I hope things are coming together and yet stability for my family seems just beyond our grasp.

Our friends that we are staying with have been good to us. I know that our presence here stresses them out- even though they have tried so valiantly never to let on. It's impossible to have 6 people under your roof and not feel stressed. We talked with them tonight and they re-assured me that they are not selling the house because of us. That's good, because even though we've been careful, I was afraid we were running up the utilities sky high or playing on their last nerves. They have several legitimate reasons for selling and really I have no right to even ask for an explanation since it's their house and we've already been here for 9 weeks. They don't think it will sell right away.

I think selfishness/self-pity are when someone is totally me-centered. Every decision they make is about them and what they want. Self-pity is to be so wrapped up in your own pain that you cannot reach out to anyone else. I'm NOT there. I do not want to leave my man- I hate sleeping alone! I want more than anything for us to be a family and have our own space again. A 2 bedroom fixer-upper would be fine as long as we could be together, but nothing has opened up. Jay & I have stayed up late many a night discussing options. The best thing for the kids is to take them somewhere apart from this situation where they can be kids, get to know their family a little and have a nice Summer. How is this selfish on my part?

I talked to my Supervisor at the YMCA today and explained the situation to her. She said they love having me work there and that I will have a job when I return. PRAISE GOD! I hope to work at the 'Y' in PA until Jay calls to tell me he has found a place for us to live. Then, you betcha, I'll be back up here. The U.P. is beautiful. :o)

It is easy to accuse someone of "self-pity". When you lose everything, career, farm, credit, circle of friends, dreams, then you begin to understand... When someone loses most of the things that matter to them, they HAVE TO GRIEVE in order to move on. That's healthy and leads to healing. According to Solomon the Wise, "there is a time to mourn and a time to dance". Right now I'm in mourning, but God is not finished here and I believe that someday my family will have much to celebrate.

I don't mind people being level with me, in fact, I invite it, but be gentle. Don't come down hard on someone who is already struggling to find meaning and hope. Perhaps I'm now doing penance for the times when I was less than sensitive and made judgement calls on others when they were down and out. God, forgive me, I understand now...

And So it Continues...

2007-05-02T18:58:00.000-04:00

Last night we were told by the owners of the space we are renting, that they are selling their house and we need to be prepared to move out at a moments notice. Since my husband hasn't even done his 3 wk training yet and my earnings at the YMCA are miniscule, we have no money for utility deposits, first & last month's rent or a downpayment on a house. So, as soon as school lets out, I'll be heading south to my widowed Aunt's farmhouse with the kids and immediately start putting feelers out for work in her area. At least I know the kids will have a good summer with her there in the country- that's all that really matters to me at this point. They didn't do anything to deserve the trials they have suffered, simply because they had the misfortune to be born to us.

I spoke to my birth-Dad today (rare thing- as we're not exactly close) to ask for some advice. I've tried to ask for very little from him over the years. But today, he wept on the phone with me, told me he loved me- that he understands. With a trembling voice, he said a prayer for us. I said, "Daddy, I'm so tired, I can't take anymore nonsense- just wish I could sit in your lap for a little bit and rest." He said, "Bring those children down here to the farmhouse until your man is able to get things figured out." So, as much as I don't want this, Jay and I are going to separate- at least for 3 months.... possibly more....

Sometimes I feel like a tiny chess piece in some big celestial game. Just when I think that perhaps something is about to break, the rug gets pulled out from under us. God, if you heard anything I prayed last night, You know I don't want to get ahead, I'd just like to break even once in a while, but such good fortune seems so evasive. I'm not asking why. I've searched my heart and I have done my best to serve You. What are You trying to show me, what are you trying to prove?

I hope someday I will read over these journals with a sparkle in my eye and laughter in my heart because I'm on the other side of this long journey, but I'm not sure how far until I get there...
(For the few of you who read these posts, I always enjoy hearing from you, but there are only so many ways to express sympathy. That's not what I'm after with this. This is just a place for me to be real and record my journey. If it bums you out to read my blog, by all means check out my 'Signs-n-Wonders' blog or please find someone cheery in blog-world who has it all together and can lift you up.)

Finally?

2007-05-01T17:06:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, we got a call saying that Jay was accepted for school. Yesterday, Jay received not one, but two job offers. We're not going to be rich, but as long as we can be in a place of our own, I'm fine with that. He has decided to go with the second and will begin his training next week. THANK GOD! Today we drove around looking for housing. Rent is expensive but to actually buy a house is quite cheap so we're looking into that option.

We gave God 6 wks to act before we separated out of necessity- me taking the children to PA and him staying here to continue trying to find work, a place to live and going back to school. This was a LAST resort. We were both teetering on the very edge of our strength & sanity. Jay has been pretty angry and although he seems very meek and mild most of the time, sometimes his anger is explosive. He hurled a big TV remote at me, hitting me in the chest the other night. He always holds the remote. I asked him to turn the TV down because everyone was in bed, he ignored me, so I asked again. Still no response, so I turned to look at him and asked again, when I turned back toward the TV, he threw. It hurt and I must admit I was not very Christlike in my response. I hurled it right back at him- HARD, hitting him in the belly-button region. He played it off and acted like he didn't mean for it to hit me. He knows better. He slapped me in the face once when we were dating. I told him if he ever did that again that would be the end of it. That's one thing I will NOT tolerate from anyone. Call it my Irish temper, but if anyone gets rough with me, I may be small, but I'm capable of giving it right back and they WILL feel it. I haven't learned how to turn the other cheek when it comes to physical abuse..... still growing in this area....

Anyway, once again as always, God waits until the last possible moments to do something. You'd think that being so powerful, He could come through earlier once in a while. Perhaps it shows His power more when He waits until we've run out of strength, patience and resources?
I don't know and honestly, it gives me a headache to try and figure anything out right now. I'm just glad there seems to be a light at the end of this looooooong tunnel. :o)

Sunrise...

2007-04-25T10:29:00.000-04:00

Today I rose at 4:00am to go open the YMCA. My Co-worker Don, a retired postal worker, urged me to stand outside and watch the sun rise over Lake Superior. So I did. It was a very spiritual moment for me and I learned a valuable lesson from it- which I will post on my 'Signs & Wonders' blog.

The last time I witnessed this event I was with my Best friend/First love, Paul. We were on a group campout and challenged each other to see who could stay up longest. We sat there under a blanket beside the fire ALL night watching the stars, dreaming, scheming and talking about life. (It was quite innocent) He was a kindred spirit- shy, but always interesting to talk to- we never seemed to have a shortage of things to say. It was so easy to laugh back in those days. Both of us were determined to outlast the other and before we knew it, the sun was rising, so we decided to enjoy the occasion and call it a tie. What a beautiful experience, a memory I will cherish until my dying day. As I stood there this morning, captive to the magic of Dawn and remembrances of puppy love, I wondered if he ever thinks of me and all the good times we had for 10 years? I may never cross his mind, but I whispered a prayer for him and his family. There has not been a day when I haven't remembered him. I hope that he has found true love and reasonable success...

I made my way out of bed and drove to work in darkness. Later as I stood watching the sky, a thin blue, red & pink band began to grow across the horizon. I heard the birds begin to sing in the Pines. Things continued to get brighter, then the sun itself began to peek out above the water line and for a few short moments, the lake literally looked as if it had a silver lining- beautiful! The distant memory of my very first sunrise warmed me. I felt a sense of calm and took this as a sign that the darker part of my life will soon be over. All good and valuable things take time- including the birth of a new day. Learning to breathe and to accept life for what it is with an attitude of thankfulness has always been a challenge for me. I'm a fixer, a planner, a go-getter. Every so often, God has to put me in a place where I have NO control- otherwise I'd be totally self-dependant.

I am determined that no matter how things turn out job-wise, in my relationship or in my future, I will never stop being thankful for the little things that still delight and amaze me.

Sunrises are one of those things...

San Francisco

2007-04-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

I was in Cali over the weekend, possibly my last performance with 'Message of Mercy'- at least for a while. Our concerts went well. We took a day to tour the city and I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. What fun!! I'd only ever heard from several people in the past that San Fran was a "filthy, sinful place of iniquity"- one which God has cursed.

Instead, I found that it is a very clean, friendly and beautiful place on the harbor. It's a wonderfully unique city with winding streets and trolley cars- VERY hilly there!! We girls enjoyed riding the trolley and walking up & down along the streets admiring the beautiful architecture and artistry of the buildings there. The air was fresh and clean and the scenary lovely! At one point, we were delighted to see a whole herd of Sea Lions sunning themselves on piers in the bay. Did you know that you can smell them, even from a good distance away because of their fishy diet? They are very social creatures and bark a lot. We had lunch in China Town- good food! I purchased a pair of silk slippers for $3. We were able to get a lot of good pictures. I will attempt to post some soon...

Contrary to popular belief by those who may have never been there, we didn't see gay men or women hanging all over each other everywhere. I felt very comfortable there. I did see one cross-dresser and there were many guys walking together, but not even so much as holding hands or a kiss. Now, maybe if I stayed there longer, I may have seen more public displays of affection (PDA's), but the way people had talked, I pictured gay couples being all over each other in public and trash laying in the streets. Not so!

Hmmmm, I've learned to be wary of anyone who talks as if they are an "expert" on a place they have never encountered. Likewise, beware of religious "experts" who may not have truly experienced God. Both can be incredibly misleading. ;o)

I'm SO Dense!

2007-04-23T20:44:00.000-04:00

Yes, this IS a genuine, certifiable fact. For all the thinking and studying I do, I am quite slow. Must be, or I would've figured things out by now.

Some say I need to pray more, to surrender more, to work harder. I'm exhausted, so now what? Perhaps this is the point God wants each of us to reach so that we will finally surrender?? Yes, some firmly believe that God Himself is sending this long series of trials. I must ask, is this really the way God deals with us? If I were to beat someone up in a backstreet with a club until they could no longer walk, would they truly love and delight in me? Certainly NOT- they would be terrified. So to those who feel justified is saying these trials are the scourge of God upon my family- I THINK NOT!
Others say it is the Devil doing this. If so, then it is only because God allows him to have his way.
Still again, others say that it's simply a matter of making poor choices. How is following what you think to be God's leading a poor choice?

I give up! I'll do my best to muddle through and forget about trying to understand what God is trying to pound through my thick skull. Perhaps it will miraculously dawn on me just out of the blue someday, but for now- it's too exhausting to try and figure it out...

The Plans of Mice and Men...

2007-04-19T08:36:00.000-04:00

My man and I were up late several nights this week making an honest assessment of our situation and heavily discussing options- some of which are pretty bleak. The job we came all this way hoping he could start in April or May has not yet materialized. We are running out of time.... and strength. It dawned on us this week that perhaps time apart is what both of us need.

We got married quite young and due to the nature of his up-bringing/education, he feels he was unable to take time to figure out who he really is. Bottom line? He does not love himself, but how can you if you don't know who you are or what you want?? Jay still doesn't know these answers, or how to get there. He's slow to process things and has always been somewhat disconnected from, or unable to express his feelings. His mantra over the years has been, "I'm overwhelmed". He may need some time to himself to figure things out. We've been apart before- early on- and when we got back together things were much better for both of us. Now I may be Summering elsewhere with the kids while he puts the pieces of his puzzle together. NOT an easy thing to do and we've laid out a "fleece" before God about this. Sometimes love means letting go for a while. I care about this man and want what's best for him. It hurts to realize that I may not be what he needs. Reflecting on the past 14 yrs together and the many challenges we have faced, I cannot see what good- if any I have been for him. Yes, I've been a constant, caring presence in his life, but I've also been a drain on his shortage of time, energy and resources. My body presented him with mouths to feed before he felt ready to provide.

Oh, the plans of mice and men....

The question we are both asking at this time? Is it possible to thoughtfully and prayerfully make a life decision and still make a mistake? Does God always honor earnest effort or does He allow us to reach dead-ends for a reason?? The next step for us is homelessness... now what??
Being an optimist doesn't come without it's own set of challenges. I'm a dreamer- a risk taker, but looking back over the track record of my life, I'm not exactly sure that has been a plus. I love the song 'Anyway' by Martina McBride. AWESOME!! She sang it live on American Idol last night. :o)

I was raised to believe that if you love God, if you place every plan before Him and consult Heaven before making your moves, then your footsteps will always be sure, that God will bless and prosper you. I do feel blessed & prospered. My spirit grows while I feel the world around me is collapsing. It is the strangest of feelings. I am grateful for God's interest in my spiritual journey, but I'd like to see His hand in other areas of my life. What about my relationship, financial picture and future. What about the futures of our children??

For now, my goal must be to continue putting one foot in front of the other, finding the courage to smile and sing. My faith and resolve are being severely tested...

Anyway...

2007-04-17T08:34:00.000-04:00

One Fall, I visited an old country chapel in the middle of Cade's Cove, TN. This historic place was always spiritual ground for me. The people who lived there and built little farms in the clay had buried more than one small child beneath the soil behind the chapel. Women died in childbirth and the fever took many lives. They planted fields, fertilized with their own blood, sweat and tears.... only to have storms wipe out the entire crop. They knew the pain of hunger, the discomfort of tattered shoes, yet, somehow these people kept trying to make the best of their lives. I'm sure they struggled, but they didn't give up.

The chapel doors were wide open, it was a beautiful afternoon. I walked inside and took a seat in an old rickety pew near the front of the little sanctuary, where for hundreds of years, believers had met to worship God. It was not long until I noticed a fluttering of two Sparrows who had somehow flown into the chapel, but did not know how to get back out. They flew against the windows, against the ceiling, desperate to break free of their prison and reach the open sky. I can only assume they were a mated pair as one was male and the other female. They would ram their little featherweight bodies against immoveable obstacles repeatedly- I was sure they were killing themselves for the effort. After several failed attempts to gently capture them and set them free, I took my place on the pew again- helpless to assist them. However, as the sun began to set, light poured in through the open doors. It was only then that the birds knew what to do. They followed the light and emerged victoriously into the freshness of evening air.

My life has been quite challenging on several levels. I've never felt so alone or helpless. Due to our circumstances, my man is distant and has slipped into a dark place where I cannot reach him. He has tried for weeks to find work- no luck. Unemployed, he feels useless and wasted. I don't know how to bring him back into my world and honestly, it hurts to try. I cannot need him at this time, because he has little to give.
Sometimes, I feel like a tiny sparrow beating against a ceiling that will never let me get any higher or go any further. I'm not getting any younger, but I'm not giving up. I'm looking devastation in the eye and staring it down. I still have a fool's hope that things are going to get better.

Perhaps the truest measure of who we are is not how high or far we go in life, but how consistently we try to get there and how kind we are in the process. Some of us will try, succeed and be celebrated, but many will try and never realize the dreams that existed in us since our first remembrances. Some of the old ones sit pretty on fat retirements while others who worked just as hard lay in nursing homes with bitterness and disappointment, having lost what they loved most and wallowing in regret. We cannot know why this is, only God sees the reason. But, we have to try. When I heard the song 'Anyway' by Martina Mcbride I cried over it because it's exactly where I am and how I feel.

I don't know what great dreams, what passions beat within your chest. Failure to accomplish set goals is not always a reflection on the individual. We are all limited by factors such as funding, distance, time, circumstances, and the fact that life is short. If you're like me, you've lain awake many a night contemplating things and forging ideas of how to achieve your goals. We all have obstacles to overcome- this is not entirely bad. I believe challenge makes us stronger. Wish I could say with all certainty that you will see your dreams come to life. What I can say is don't give up hope and don't ever go down easy.

I still hope that somehow the light will shine for me...

Precision Athletics!

2007-04-15T14:04:00.000-04:00

When I was in gymnastics, we thought the things we did were really cool. Our moves were NOTHING compared to these:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jkjSF2VwP4

Permanently Flawed??

2007-04-13T07:48:00.000-04:00

A fact about our existence recently dawned on me. Why is it we can only enjoy things to the fullest for a short time? Why does passion die and interest wane?? As human beings, we get excited about new things, and for a while maintain that enthusiasm, but after a few weeks, months, years, we become dissatisfied or take it for granted.

I find this is true for new toys, foods, jobs and relationships. Our senses do this too. When you smell a sweet fragrance for the first time- it's great, but after using the same perfume for years, you get used to the smell and it is no longer stimulating- thus we have dear little ladies with overbearing perfume. Perhaps they can no longer smell it without heavy usage? When I first started working on farms as a girl, the smell of animal waste was overwhelming, but eventually I got used to it and it didn't bother me at all. When I first started eating Mexican food, I could only eat really mild. Now, I'm able to eat hotter, but even that is getting tame. YIKES!

This same principle applies to the best hit TV shows which only run for so long. MASH and Friends being two of the top running series, but they, like everything else, eventually stopped drawing an audience. Wildly popular musicians eventually become 'has beens'. Trends change from generation to generation. Why do good things fade because of eventual lack of interest? What is it that turns fiery newlyweds into old bored folks sleeping in separate beds? Can you think of any exceptions?? Definitely aging and maturity have something to do with it. So is this a flaw in our characters or a blessing to our progression in life?

I wonder why this is the way we humans are? Is there any way to change it??

A Quote to Remember...

2007-04-06T18:24:00.000-04:00

"There is one way to avoid criticism: Never do anything. Never amount to anything. Never get your head above the crowd so the jealous will notice and attack you. Criticism is a sure sign that your personality has some force." - Norman Vincent Peale

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

2007-03-30T15:18:00.000-04:00

(Supposedly, this was written when Mrs. Bombeck discovered she had terminal cancer.)

I would've gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would've burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would've talked less and listened more.
I would've invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would've eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would've taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would've shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would've sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would've cried & laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would've been more "I love you's", more "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it .. . live it and never give it back.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!! Live life so you have few regrets. :o)

Not So Big!

2007-03-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I rode along with Jay as he submitted a resume for a construction job. While we sat in the office waiting, I was able to read an interesting book about new trends in Architecture. One trend that really resounded with me was called 'The Not So Big House'. The premise is that today's main housing trends are "the bigger- the better". People build to impress by sheer size- while skimping on interior details. The 'Not So Big' house designs are modest, but elegant homes with open living spaces. Why waste money and materials on rooms you will rarely- if ever use? Formal Dining Rooms add to the value of the home, but really- how many people in our fast-paced culture even use them enough to make it worth it?? 'Not So Big Houses' make maximum use of minimal space. When you spend less on square footage, you can afford to be artistic & creative in how you design & decorate the dwelling. It's a beautiful thing!!

When Jay & I built our first house years ago- a 1750 sq. ft. home, we had this idea in mind. While other people we know are mortgaged to the hilt and stressed out in order to have as much space as possible, we chose to keep things simple & personable. I don't need a house any bigger than I myself can maintain. For me, anything over 2000 sq ft. is too much space. I remember when there were just 3 of us, I stayed home in a huge 4 bedroom (rented) farmhouse and when my baby was napping, I felt this big, empty house would swallow me up. So we kept it simple, did the work ourselves and our total monthly mortgage payment was $300 a month. Can't beat that! (We'd be there still had we not made the foolish decision to follow a bad job elsewhere.)

Jay needs a dream right now. He needs hope, so I pulled him into a discussion about 'Not So Big Houses' and he went along with it. Before we knew it, we had a wonderful talk about design ideas and he was actually hopeful that someday we will again design and build a home of our own. The whole point of scaling down is to have quality not quantity, and to create an inviting atmosphere.

Perhaps churches are in need of simplifying a bit as well. When the 'mega-church' mentality kicks in, we are after quantity, but are we offering quality encounters with God and with each other?? Success is measured by how many baptisms are gained, how much tithe comes in and how many names are on the roster. Wouldn't it make sense to focus more on member-retention? What good does it do to bring newbies in, if our own members are feeling neglected or malcontent? Instead of going out and winning over scores of converts, perhaps we should focus more on nurturing and enjoying the ones we already have first? Growth happens more naturally & gradually that way. Maybe the church would be smaller, but would this lend to a greater degree of sincerity in congregations?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not against growth, but I am wary of excessiveness.

I hope to build a 'Not So Big House' again someday. It will be a cozy and functional place to raise a family.

Hired!!!

2007-03-26T13:16:00.000-04:00

Fortune smiles on me today! After two interviews I have been able to get a job doing Customer Service at the YMCA up here. I will work 6 hrs a day. Praise God!! We sure needed the income and this is a tough job market. I start my training on Wednesday. I officially begin earning a paycheck next Monday. It's a real boost to my spirits and the fact that my former employers gave me such awesome references makes me feel good inside.

There is always some kind of bright spot in the darkest times...

A Woman's Heart...

2007-03-25T08:03:00.000-04:00

A woman's heart is a mystery- sometimes even to herself. We are deep, complex beings capable of giving a cold stare that will stop a man in his tracks or an embrace that will melt the hardest of hearts. A woman's soul is a treasure, one which needs to be dealt with firmly but equally as gentle. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking you ever have completely won her heart. A women is to be pursued and charmed all the days of her life by acts of kindness. She craves romance and little gestures that let her know she is still your heart's desire.
The biggest mistake men make is in believing they no longer have to work at the relationship. To let little opportunities to express some thought and consideration pass by.

When I was a younger lady, I was quite lonely. I went dateless to most events my teen years. I had a sweetheart, but he did not attend my school. My first love was a blonde farm-boy who was never too busy to take some time out to have a little fun when I was home on weekends. We used to laugh until our sides ached. He was my best friend. After 2 yrs of official dating, I decided I was going away to college and broke things off. There were many reasons why a union between us for life may not have worked. He was a shy guy, still living at home with low self-esteem and I always had to make the first move. My Dad didn't spend much time with me growing up- I never felt very important to him, so I viewed myself as unworthy of pursuit. The man I have shared over half of my life with is with me largely because I chased him down. I did a lot of things to show my interest. Letters, poems, creative dating. Much of the effort was unreturned or seemed unappreciated. I was so in love with being in love that I didn't seem to notice that our coversations were mostly one-sided and I was somewhat taken for granted. So, I set the pace in the relationship from the get-go. Then I was caught up in the excitement of having children. They are so precious to me! I wish I could've had more, but after loooong labors and failed attempts, well 4 C-sections is more than any woman needs. Besides, you gotta have money to feed them all and 4 is more than enough. Jay was/is a great guy and a good Dad. We have learned a lot together.

I read a quote from my 'Native American Wisdom' book that said, "The indian does not understand the ways of the white man. It makes no sense to stay with someone if you are no longer happy. Why do white men believe this is the way? If we were to live together unhappy and disagree, we should be as foolish as the whites. " Interesting cultural perspective. The Bible says that "God hates divorce but that He allows it because of the hardness of our hearts". Is a heart so easily moved by the beauty that surrounds me hard?

At this point in life, I'm asking so many questions. Sometimes my heart feels such doubt as to whether I am truly capable of staying in a life-long relationship. What happens when you are completely worn out or bored? Then what?? It's been 3 long yrs of hell for us. God, if You are ever going to come through for us- NOW would be a great time.... We are both tired & drained of joy. I believe Jay is capable of great things, but he is much like his mother was with a hesitant, negative view of life. He does not often pursue love or make it a priority. He says this is because he's just too overwhelmed by life. Will he ever bust the rut he's in? Will I ever find the magic button by which to unleash his passion? He has told me many times that he is not the man I need. Sometimes I stay awake at night pondering these things. He needs me now more than ever, but deep in my heart, I know the doubts I have. 14 yrs is a long time to be with one person, but I do not consider it a waste. I've learned so much. Is there a point though, where you outgrow a relationship? Can you journey only so far with one person? Do you ignore your own needs for those of your children? Is it birth parents staying together until their dying day that they need to see or a healthy, functional relationship modeled before them??

Dating can be very misleading. Fueled by movies & sappy songs, both parties put their best foot forward and the very fact that you are in love places blinders over the eyes. Our very chemistry betrays us. Some uncover reality sooner than others. I thought I was marrying a leader, an athlete and a guy with a great sense of humor. Instead I found that I had promised myself to a guy who was unsure of himself and indecisive most of the time. He hates to sweat and tends to be very serious. He said he felt deceived because he thought I liked to do dishes & housework. Truth is, I do, but not as often as he does & not if the effort constantly goes unnoticed. Work was his top priority- a fact he says he recognizes and wants to change, but will he? I now view myself as worth pursuing, but there is little to no initiative on his part.. Jay says "romance is for the wealthy", but I'm not asking for flowers or diamonds. Just be a friend, join me in some of the things I love. Talk to me as if you are genuinely interested in who I am. It costs nothing to offer to walk the dog around the block with me and have a conversation, to dream. It costs nothing to take an interest in my hobbies. Ride bikes with me, play a game, read to me, or let me share my thoughts. Am I that uninteresting??

In the midst of hardship, I still want/need to laugh, to cuddle, to connect. We may have lost everything, but I am still here and I feel invisible. He completely disconnects- except in bed. I'm trying to be patient, but it's going to be a while until he finds himself. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart...

Over It!

2007-03-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

I am SO done with religious debates! I love to write and enjoy doing articles that are relevant to Christians' today, however, I refuse to get sucked into an argument. Sometimes people bait me with strongly-stated e-mails. For one, I used to be a debator. Loved it! I thought I was very sharp with words & reason and could out-maneuver people pretty well. The result though is a peculiar brand of arrogance about it- one which I no longer wish to possess. Heard two men debating an entire flight recently. After the first 30 minutes or so, no new information was exchanged, it simply became one man trying to convince the other by sheer will power and a determination to have the last word.

Three things I've learned about debating: 1) You are not likely to change the other side's mind about the issue at hand. 2) You are feeding ego- yours and theirs. 3) It's a waste of time, energy and vocabulary skills.

Life should be lived intelligently. Standing up for what's right by the way you live your life, not by how well you can wrestle with words for the cause you endorse.

People debate politics, as well as environmental and social issues. Been there, done that. Religious debates are the worst and there's no better way to make an enemy than to argue the spiritual realm with an equally bold opponent! I've seen even the ones with the meekest of holy acts pull out all the stops in the church parking lot and get mean. (Seriously- reminds me of two cats fighting over territory- hissing, spitting and clawing to assert themselves.) What's the dealio?? Christianity should be marked by a humility and grace that allows others to have their own opinions. Debating religionists and proof-texting, in a sense, says, "I'm the only one intelligent enough to figure this out and now I will enlighten you so effectively that you will have NO choice but to embrace my beliefs."

My advice? Enjoy your journey toward God. Be who you are and don't let anyone rob you of your experience. I don't bully or lecture others, and I won't allow strong-willed people to abuse my freedom either.

I'm Baaaaaack

2007-03-21T11:19:00.000-04:00

Had a nice trip to PA. and back! Long flights, but nice companions to sit with both there & back. Must say that I much prefer to sit with men than women at times. The men will talk for a while, then let you sleep, while the women want to engage you the entire flight- often in the deepest of emotional topics. After nearly a week of staying up until all hours, I was sleepy, so appreciated having a more brief conversation and the freedom to take a nap. :o)

I am loving my 30's! Really, I am. Unlike my Mother who cried all day on her 30th, I embraced the big 3-0 with enthusiasm, wondering what great life lessons would unfold in the third decade of my life. Tell ya what, I'm not doing so bad either. My 20's were the diaper decade- legalism, sleepless nights, slow strolls and elastic waistlines. I have started my 30's with a heart full of adventure, love for my children, a more tailored look, a better understanding of who I am and where I want to be in life. I'm brave enough to ask questions and feel more confident. Also, the ugly duckling, plain-Jane that never got asked out on dates, the one who attended everything ALONE is no longer invisible. I was offered dinner by one man and a drink by another in passage. (Of course, I declined, but it feels nice to be noticed once in a while.) It's easy to doubt the sincerity of a spouse at times for they are somewhat obligated to say nice things. But the stranger in the airport who is simply nice to be nice- no strings attached is probably sincere. Both of these single guys were able to hold interesting, but appropriate conversations, knew that I'm married with children and that I had hours of boring lay-over time on my hands. When I told Jay about all this, he said, "I would not have minded a bit if you accepted the dinner invitation. What's going to happen in the middle of an airport anyway? He was just trying to be nice." Well, too late now, but it's probably safer to err on the side of caution.

Saw a lot of familiar faces at the retreat besides my coolies in 'Message of Mercy'. Step-mom was there, also my Dad came to the concert, sister-in-law, father & mother-in-law, and a good friend of mine had flown in from Germany to see me. She & I stayed up late talking and I felt very encouraged by her presence. I very much enjoyed speaking to the groups of women who attended my 'Overcoming Approval Addiction' seminars. Basically, God IS love and He offers unconditional love. When we learn to accept that as fact, then we can learn to love ourselves- even if other people don't approve of us. When we treat ourselves well, we are able to treat others the way they deserve- even when they're cold. That's the basic pattern of how it works. When no longer seeking to please everyone else, you are able to be true to who God made you to be. FREEDOM! There are many dear ladies who literally kill themselves for their families, churches and careers- hoping that they can get a little approval from someone. That was me for many years, bending to the point of breakage in order to please everyone. I often said "yes" when my body & soul were screaming "no", but if it earned me a pat on the back, then it was worth it right?? WRONG!! People who have parents or churches that reject them are most vulnerable to approval addiction. I'm getting over it. :o)

It was nice to be greeted by my family at the airport when I got back last night. In fact, the very gentleman who offered to buy me dinner came up and introduced himself to my husband & kids. (Another reason I doubt he had any wrong intentions. He was nearly twice my age.) I'm glad to be back with the ones I love. It was a great trip!

Everyone has their Specialty!

2007-03-10T08:41:00.000-05:00

Below is the link to an article on intelligence. There are 7 areas of intellect, although I do believe there's an 8th and that is spirituality. Some are gifted in that respect, such as prophets and oracles. Children who test strongly in 3 areas are considered "gifted". It is unfair for someone gifted in one area to think they are better than someone gifted in another, etc. When we work together using individual strengths, we compliment each other and can get things done. What is/are your strongest area(s)? Mine strongest points are words & music. Check it out:

http://health.msn.com/pregnancykids/kidshealth/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100155873>1=9145&wa=wsignin1.0

The Death of All Privacy?

2007-03-08T14:43:00.000-05:00

Recently read an article about new scanning machines that may be in all airports soon. They are called 'Backscatters'. These electronic eyes can see through your clothes and transmit your naked image to security personnel. This is to ensure better safety on the airlines.

Don't know 'bout you, but I'm a bit disturbed about this new invasion of privacy. The article states that the scan "isn't very detailed", but will show any weapons or contraband that may be strapped to one's body.

I'm not a prude, nor am I a paranoid, government conspiracy ranter, but is this really necessary? Advocates for the Backscatter machines say that this eliminates the need for a 'pat down' and will make security checkpoints move faster. Uhm, I think I'd rather have a pat-down by a female security guard then offer full disclosure of my naked image for some stranger to gawk at. Safety is important, but at what cost? If we say "yes" to this, what's next??

According to the article, these machines are already in use at Washington DC, Dallas/Fort Worth and several other US airports. What do you think about this?

The Joy of Sledding!

2007-03-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I enjoyed seeing my children go sledding for the first time. So much FUN! My husband even got in on the action- it was WONDERFUL to hear him laugh again. The air was fresh & clean. We all got a good amount of exercise running up the hill and sliding down the icy shoot. It did my body & soul a world of good!
Free family recreation is harder to find these days! Thanks to a fun-loving elderly man with a sparkle in his eye, families up here can get out on clear days and sled to their hearts' content. Out of the goodness of his heart, he plows his driveway, clears a make-shift parking lot, then gets out sled discs, some shovels and a hose with which he creates the BEST sled hill ever. It looks like a Luge tunnel like they have in the Olympics and is quite long & winding. The man also constructed a lean-to shelter, under which you can enjoy hot chocolate & marshmellows. After several runs down the hill you get a little wet and can warm up by the bonfire. Everything is donated from a generous heart. Every so often, the sole proprietor brings out a trumpet and plays a silvery tune over the hill for all present to enjoy. When the sun goes down, one finds themselves surrounded by Christmas lights strung from tree to tree. It is pure magic...
I lost count of how many trips I made down the long slope. On my last run, I went into a spin and whacked my elbow pretty hard- it's all black-n-blue today. I spent the rest of my time chatting with Yoopers around the bonfire. During a quiet moment, as I watched my kids & Jay go down the hill, having the time of their lives, I thought, "Now THIS is the best kind of evangelism!". The old man who has faithfully created this sledding paradise for 27 yrs was simply doing something nice for his community- out of the goodness of his heart. Little did he know that a worn and shattered family experienced a bit of healing yesterday because of him. (It was such effective medicine, we plan to go again next weekend.) Nobody would ask why Mr. Steven Crook does what he does, as it's obvious by the way he bounds around the place that he simply enjoys watching people have fun. Now, because of his kindness, I'm very curious about him. Such selfless people fascinate me. Perhaps next weekend I can get to know him a little better? Perhaps I will take him a 'thank you' gift.

Love reaches for the sake of reaching. The truest kindness seeks no reward- other than the joy of being good to someone. I am so touched that someone would do such a wonderful thing until he is too old to go on. I thanked him several times over. :o)

Safe Passage!

2007-03-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

Well, we finally got everything packed, loaded and have arrived at our destination in Michigan. The snow is beautiful, but the roads were a bit perilous. I white-knuckled it as I followed the moving truck north- not used to poor driving conditions! I have a new pet peeve: when semi-trucks pass you and dump a load of sleet upon your windshield! There were several times when I just gripped the wheel and said a prayer because visibility was already so bad. The Whoosh and for several seconds we were driving blind. Scary!

The first night on the road we stayed over with some old friends from college. Next morning we enjoyed a good breakfast at Cracker Barrel and that night we stayed in a Super 8- which was pet-friendly. WAY cool! Other than that it was pure stress. I'm glad the trip is over with now. It is good to see our old friends, the Kings.
I enjoy winter sports, sledding, cross-country skiing, downhill skiing, even shoveling snow- love it! It will be a lovely Spring. :o)

Here's hoping that Jay will be able to rest and heal from the events of the past 3 years and find a new direction for his life. My job at this point is to be patient and supportive of him.

Movin' On...

2007-02-25T18:28:00.000-05:00

You'd think after making so many moves- I'd be used to it, but I'm simply not. I hate that feeling of living out of boxes and being in between here & there. We're making progress with packing, but painfully slow. SO much to do. It's overwhelming and we are worn and somewhat short-tempered. I look forward to having this over with soon.

While working together on one part of our packing, Jay & I were not speaking- both lost in our own silent thoughts. He said, "You know, I did everything I could to make it possible for us to stay here." I said, "I know you did baby, it just wasn't meant to be and we have to accept that."
God has blessed us with beautiful children and a talent for music. Perhaps He allows all of our other struggles to keep us from getting full of ourselves? I don't know, but it's hard to believe that anyone's string of bad luck can last this long...

It was a full performance weekend with 'Message of Mercy'. It tears me up to be leaving. They are contemplating having me stay involved with the group- I'll just fly in for performances every once in a while and of course, I will still be writing music & arrangements for them. I would be considered an 'alternate member'.

God writes a lot of chapters into our life stories that we, ourselves would not have chosen. Here I am again with my life in limbo- not sure what the next step is beyond this move. However, I choose to learn what I can from each passage in my life and use it for good. Someday, I hope I'll be settled somewhere permanently though. I don't want to own another house until I'm sure it's where we'd like to be and where we're able to stay for at least a decade. Selling a house is too much of a hassle.

Used to be people lived their entire lives in one small town. As much as I enjoy living all over the place and getting to know the people & different parts of the country, there's a part of me that just wants to put down roots and stay put for a while...

The Dog...

2007-02-19T10:23:00.000-05:00

We closed on our house Feb. 12. Done deal. The new owners are a delightful young couple. Sadly, we lost $6,000 in the deal- didn't even break even. The bank appraiser didn't come out until 3 business days before closing and gave a low appraisel. We didn't have time to get a second opinion. So once again, we fail to prosper- after some much-needed vehicle maintenance, paying off the student loan, some bills and renting a moving truck, we have very little with which to move forward.

Yesterday morning, I was awakened when Jay came in and said in a disturbed voice, "There's a dog in our pool". I was immediately sickened at the thought of a dead dog floating in icy waters. However, the dog was still alive! Lord knows how long the poor Hound dog had been in there, she was barely keeping her head above water. She'd broken the ice into small pieces and ripped our pool liner to shreds trying to find a way out and although there is a ladder, in her panic either she didn't even see it, or she couldn't figure out how to climb out. She must have had an iron will to survive the ordeal!

Jay pulled her out and she lay shivering- half frozen, emitting this terrible moan on the deck while the kids rushed for beach towels to dry her with. I covered her & began rubbing her down, then Jay carried her into our bathroom where I stripped down and put her in a tub of warm water to begin warming her body. She had involuntary muscle spasms and still that pathetic moaning. She was too exhausted to stand or even sit, so she lay in the warm water with me holding her head and pouring the water over her. Her teats were heavy with milk and she was horribly thin. No collar. She was in such misery, her eyes rolled back in her head and her floppy ears were stiff with cold. Poor dear had probably tried to get a drink from the pool and somehow fell in. My heart sank. Somewhere out there was a litter of puppies. If she'd been away from them for any length of time, they were certainly frozen to death.

While I tended to 'Mama Dawg', Jay jumped in the car and drove all up and down our lane trying to find the owners so we could get the dog back to her pups ASAP. Nobody had any idea where she was from or wanted to claim her, but several of them said they'd seen her running around all weekend- no pups. I can't understand why anyone would dump out a mom with pups in the middle of the coldest season of the year. Was she just a stray- if so, where from and why would she leave her babies?

Took me 2 hrs to get her warmed up with heat pads & towels. I stayed by her side. Every so often she would look up at me with big brown eyes as if to thank me for what I was doing. I just fell in love! Finally she was able to stand & walk slow, but normal. I fed her a bit, let her rest and put her out so she could go find her babies and I could see where she had them hidden, but she never left the yard. A couple of hours later, I took her to a friend of ours who is a vet and dropped her off there. They are going to build her up and try to find a home for her.

It breaks my heart how people treat animals. Jay was upset by all this too. He later said he feels like that hound dog. In over his head, and drowning- only nobody is pulling him out... Now would be a good time for God to show up and do something... maybe help us find a ladder up...

A Lonely Valentines

2007-02-17T02:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, someone please explain men to me!!!

Originally, my man & two of the kids were going to head up to MI with the truck the day after we closed on the house and I would follow with the others 2 weeks later. But Jay was upset that we wouldn't get to be together for Valentine's Day. (Well, this was a very pleasant surprise as I didn't think he gave a flying flip for stuff like that.) So, then the plan changed and we decided to hold off so we could drive up together. I was all excited because now we could do something special for Valentines. Ohhhh, the ideas I had. But, alas, it's not meant to be. Monday after we closed on the house, he gets a phone call from somebody he's worked for in the past and decides to go off on a trip down to Louisiana all week to earn some money instead.

How can men take these things so lightly? Work always seems to win out over romance and of course, the lack of it can greatly diminish romance.

Wish I could just shut off my romance button. I'm sooo that way. Valentine's Day and stuff like that means a lot to me. Wish I didn't like flowers and dinners out and having my man in bed with me every night. Can't sleep when he's gone. It's nearly 3am and here I sit, because he'll be home sometime tonight and I am too excited to go to sleep. SIGH.

He says we'll go out this weekend to make up for it, but it's just not the same. Oh well...

Wierd!

2007-02-13T14:16:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt two ways about one situation? It's an unsettling feeling. We're moving to MI in just a few weeks- in a way I'm very excited. Honestly, I would do anything to see my man happy again!
He announced this week that he wants to go back to school. This time for X-ray Technician- a 2 year program. I'm happy that he has finally reached some kind of conclusion as to what direction he wants to go with his life. It's a good fit for him job-wise.

At the same time, I'm very sad to be leaving MofM and my friends here. I feel split down the middle. Is this normal? I mean, shouldn't you just feel strongly happy or sad- not both?? I'm so wierd!!

We closed on the house yesterday- finally! It's been a long, drawn out process, but I'm glad that's behind us. The family who bought it is very nice and I think they will be very happy here. At the same time, I feel sadness. We came here with dreams & ideas for ways to develop the property and improve the house. All of that fell by the wayside when Jay lost his career.

So, we're moving forward and hoping for a brighter future...

The Power of Femininity

2007-02-06T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm on a roll with the gender thing. Today, as we pack boxes and scale down on our wardrobes for the move, I was thinking about what it means to be a woman and how powerful pure femininity can be.
First of all, I was thinking about historical figures. Queen Esther of Persia certainly didn't win over the Kings mercy by being a buff, in your face feminist asserting her rights. Nope, she won him over by serving him dinners. Granted, she probably didn't cook the meal- as she had servants to do that for her, she likely put on her best robes, pearls, perfume oils and looked gorgeous. Perhaps she gave the King a little shoulder rub while he dined in her chamber. This made him feel like big stuff in front of his right-hand man, Haamen.
Then let's look at the story of Abigail, she was a woman on a mission. Her drunken slob of a husband refused to repay the kindness of David and his men in saving Nabel's herds. David is outraged and bent on "killing every person who pisseth on the wall" (this means men- as that is not a woman's style) When Abigail gets wind of this, she acts quickly. Her servants rush around to prepare a feast, she puts on her best clothing and rides out to meet David and his men. Upon reaching them, she dismounts and falls to the ground before David in a submissive posture. She says, "My Lord, I know my husband is a fool, but please do not commit this atrocity. You can take your anger out on me. This was no empty sacrifice on her part, I honestly think David was blinded with rage, however, her beauty and humility tamed the beast in him. When Nabel heard that David was coming for him and that his lovely wife had saved his life, he had a heart attack and died. David was so impressed with Abigail, that he took her as his wife.
Ruth the young widow was a nurturer working to take care of her mother-in-law. We don't know what she looked like, but she was attractive enough to draw attention. Most of all, she was a courageous and honorable woman living in unfamiliar territory. She made a bold move by uncovering the feet of Boaz during the night and propositioning him to take her as his wife. She was not arrogant or prissy. She was not a pampered Diva. She was incredibly down to earth and Boaz found this highly attractive. It didn't take much persuasion for him to take her in marriage.
In recent history, Jackie Kennedy, Julie Andrews and Princess Diana charmed their generations with beauty and grace. There is nothing more attractive than a fit, well-groomed woman. These ladies weren't perfect, but had plenty of appeal without being cheap.

Now I can hear some of you say, well, culture has changed a lot. Here's a personal story. My Freshman year in college, I had an English Composition professor who was very passionate about his class. I was one of his top students and he seemed to favor me. Well, that is, until an error in the testing schedule caused me to miss my final exam. I called him when I learned of the error and a few other students missed it as well for the same reason, but he was LIVID and yelled at me on the phone. He accused me of not being serious about his class. When we hung up, I was in tears and called Jay who was my boyfriend at the time. Jay told me to dry it up and go use my power of feminine persuasion. Huh?! I had no idea I had such a thing! He said to put on my make-up, my prettiest, most feminine shirt and go down to his office and talk to him face to face in a humble, unemotional manner. I was unsure about this, as I'm a very non-confrontational person and didn't want to get yelled at again. However, I took Jay's advice. I did my face & hair, wore a pretty poet shirt, my best pair of jeans and shined up my boots. I didn't call ahead, I simply showed up. (didn't Esther do this once?) When he looked up, he had a very disturbed look on his face. When he saw it was me standing in his doorway, he softened a bit. "Come in". I was calm and in a soft voice, I re-explained what happened and pleaded with him to be reasonable and let me take the test. I told him how much I had enjoyed the class, reminded him that I had worked very hard the entire semester and asked him to give me a chance. By the time I finished my short little speech and stood up to leave, he had MELTED! He docked me several percentage points as penalty, but he let me take the test. I passed the class with an A-.

Ladies, could feminine persuasion be a very real thing today? Our softer side has a way of soothing even the hardest temper. In Japan, ultra-feminine Geisha girls were a soothing presence to men for decades. In today's society, girls seem to be unsure about who they are. We do not hold ourselves in high esteem and because of this, we bare our bodies and souls to people who are undeserving of our treasures. The younger girls don't seem to feel special unless they have a boyfriend. They go from guy to guy as if they're not comfortable with themselves as individuals. Some girls are so desperate- they'd rather be with a jerk and "put out" than be alone. Any guy is better than none-at-all.... right??? Also, it seems there is this trend that being a crabby user is cool. I've seen it on t-shirts: "Pamper me, I'm a princess", "All I Want is Your Money", "Look ALL U Want, but Don't Touch", "Bitchy is Beautiful", "Who's Your Diva?", "Shut-up & Feed Me Chocolate", etc.

For years, I denied my feminine side. I matured early-on which brought me unhealthy attentions from guys. Being a lady only seemed to bring abuse. So, to protect myself, I wore oversized clothing to hide my shape, cursed like a sailor, played sports like a boy- even had a spiky, flat-top hairdo one year. My mother was so horrified by this that she destroyed my school pictures! Perhaps girls like me were hiding their greatest strength because they were afraid? Studies on sexual abuse show that many obese women actually are using their fat body as a shield against unwanted advances. I went the opposite way, starving, purging & over-exercising to get rid of curves.

I don't think ladies should be teases, letting it all hang out for every Tom, Dick & Harry to feast their eyes upon, but I don't think we should be prudes in frump-wear either. Someone once said, "Clothes should fit snugly enough to reveal you are a woman, but loosely enough to show you are a lady." I agree. Though you'll probably never see me wearing pink with ribbons and high heels (hate 'em) I have embraced my softer side.

So, what do YOU think? Is there power and grace in genuine femininity??

I'm All for It!!

2007-02-05T16:14:00.000-05:00

Heard a little talk on the radio about a new trend called 'The Mannaisance'. It's a movement meant to re-introduce maleness in our society. Gender roles are blurry these days- that's not entirely bad. I enjoy voting & equal pay- however, I also enjoy seeing a good contrast between men & women. I think it's neat when women are lady-like and men are..... well, MANLY. (In saying this, I'm not addressing homosexuals- they accept being different than their physical genders indicate)
I don't think we should worship fashion, but we seem to be fashion flunkies these days. Used to be, people dressed up and tried to look nice for public events, now everything- including the symphony are dress down occasions. I'm all for comfort, but is nothing special anymore? People even attend weddings & funerals in jeans, t-shirts and flip-flops these days. We've been looking at the same ill-fitted fashions for about 15 yrs now. I'm tired of the sloppy, droopy-pants look on guys, the painfully tight tops for girls and show-yer-undies jeans, the slouchy, I'm-a-loser postures and messy, I-don't-care-a-flying-flip hair.
I am not homophobic, I'm a reasonably fashionable person and have a strong tomboy streak. I do jeans & boots well, but I think it's WAY cool when women have a more tailored look & good hair. Conversely, guys in a manly role should look.... well.... MANLY.

For example, there are Russian guys who come into the YMCA. They are students, but they have also been in the military. They aren't dressed overly trendy and they aren't all pretty in the face, but they are totally buff and masculine. They are not overly flirty, but walk with heads held high, shoulders back, chest out and there is a dignity about them that is positively magnetic. They are ALL guy and you can feel their presence when they are around. Perhaps it's in the genes?? When they talk to me, I suddenly feel more lady-like. I've observed how other people react to their presence. The girls are suddenly paying attention. They play with their hair and giggle. Seriously, these guys attract the girls like crazy! Men notice them too. When the Russian guys walk by, men suck in their guts and try to go heavier with their benchpresses.

Manly men helped shape this country. True, some men were egocentric jerks who treated women as sub-human sex objects, but there were also strong, honorable, Godly men. The men who weren't afraid to stand up for what they believed in. The kind who defended a ladies honor, built cabins with little more than an ax, hammer, wooden pegs & bare hands. These guys could bring home the bacon, look danger in the eye and they took care of their families. Their hands were calloused, their arms strong and they had a lot of heart- putting women and children in lifeboats ahead of themselves. Don't think manliness matters anymore? Then look on the cover of any women's romance novel and you'll see pictures of ladies in the arms of MANLY men- pirates, soldiers, natives, firefighters, cowboys, etc. with big muscles and torn shirts. While the women are petite, demure and look somewhat helpless. For some reason the contrast between the genders is still considered sexy.
Personally, I'm not attracted to guys in a tie and loafers with delicate skin. They may be smart, sweet and good with technology, but my man has to wear larger pants than I do and be able to hold his own on the field. I'm also not attracted to the insensitive "dumb jock" type of guy or the beefy, beerhead wannabe quarterback stereotype.
The 'Mannaisance' is attempting to break a lot of myths about men. For example, men CAN be strong, spiritual AND sensitive. Guys don't need to go around wearing their hearts on their sleeves, and they don't have to know how to exfoliate, but they should be able to open up and communicate their feelings with the ones they love. Men with dignity know who they are and can look good in a tuxedo or a flannel shirt & jeans. They aren't afraid to sweat, but they respect themselves and others. A lot of guys let themselves go- weight gain, foot rot, gross teeth, BO and dandruff are all indicators that...... ah-hem... a little more attention is needed. Real men know that taking care of themselves, sounding intelligent and dressing well doesn't make them gay.
I want my son to have a strong sense of who he is. I want him to walk tall, look sharp, smell good and use manners with the ladies, but I also want him to be able to fix a tire, wield a chainsaw, go camping/fishing and hold his own in a fight.

WELCOME BACK, MEN- WE'VE MISSED YOU!!!!!

Hoosier Humor! :o)

2007-02-01T15:28:00.000-05:00

I won't be able to post much over the next few weeks as we plunge headlong into the moving process. However, when I read this story, I just about fell off my seat laughing and had to share. Enjoy!

INDIANA - STATE POLICE

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, a Trooper responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road southeast of Michigan City. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out drunk behind the wheel with an empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man totally panicked.

He jerked the gearshift in to 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20- 30- 40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over NOW!'

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from LaPorte was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Indiana who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says State Troopers don't have a sense of humor??

The Passing of Dreams...

2007-01-25T21:47:00.000-05:00

We just finished watching a wonderful film starring a young actor I highly respect, Shia Lebeouf.
The movie is entitled 'The Greatest Game Ever Played' and I must say, this film far surpassed my expectations! The cinematography is amazing, the acting superb and the theme is about the realization of dreams and overcoming social stigmas. It is based on the true story of an Irish family who came to the US with dreams of great success, yet the Father only becomes a ditch digger and they live in a small house beside a Golf course. The mother is still hopeful and supports Shia's character in his pursuit of Golf, but the father is so disappointed that his owns dreams didn't come true that he selfishly witholds support for his sons dream of being a great golfer. Time after time, he fails to understand or encourage his son in reaching toward his goal. The ending is great and the father finally makes peace with his disappointments and opens his heart to his son. I was very touched when the father was finally able to congratulate his son and offer a smile of approval.

Okay, I'll admit it, I don't know much about Golf. It doesn't thrill me, but I was totally on board emotionally throughout the entire film. You see, I have a dream of sharing my music, of travel and study. I've already done that to a certain extent, but I've not been able to go as many places as I would've liked. There is so much more to learn and experience. I didn't make much money at it, so there are many who scoff. To most, unless it makes money, it's not a worthy pursuit. Well, I'm nearly to my mid-30's and not getting any younger. I have 4 bright children who sing, dance, draw and paint wonderfully well.
I know life is a long series of transitions. So, I wonder, when comes the time to accept that my dreams may never come true and begin focusing on those of my children? Is this giving up a sign of weakness on my part or simply an acceptance of the reality that without means, it is nearly impossible to rise above the stations we are born to? Yes, even in America- land of opportunity- often the door to success is slammed shut with a resounding thud in the faces of those unfortunate enough to be born poor. My parents were never wealthy. I received absolutely nothing from any of my Grandparents when they passed away- a fact that reflects their lack of interest in me while they were living. It was almost as if they were non-existent in my life. I made attempts at relationship that were not returned. There is are holes in my heart their love should have filled. Sadder still is the fact that there are many who feel this way. Watching thier lives pass by, feeling unloved and losing hope.
Now that we have been financially devastated, perhaps it's time to make peace with reality and stop hoping to ever be more than I am. If wishing could make it possible to give our kids a better future, then it would be so, but I fear they are bound to the same future of struggling to get by. For all our many complexities, we humans really are simple, somewhat helpless creatures, often bound to follow similar paths as our parents.
My sweet babies are fast becoming of the age when serious dreams for the future begin to take root. Lord, please allow me to give them the support and the future I never received. I'm doing the best I can, but I don't have a lot of great examples of how to be. How do you give what you have never received? Perhaps it's already too late to do what I always wanted and it's time to pass the torch on to the next generation. Unlike the father in the film, I want to have a beautiful spirit and be optimistic for the dreams that have been planted in the tender hearts of my children...

Totally Embarassing Moment!

2007-01-22T12:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, so last night, we're sitting outside Walmart waiting for Jay to pick up a few things when I noticed a beautiful Australian Shepherd waiting in the car beside us. Being the HUGE dog enthusiast that I am, well, I just wanted to talk to her, keep her company and tell her how beautiful she was. She looked very lonely. Her window was open a bit, so I scooted over into the driver's seat, rolled my window down, leaned out a bit and started talking to her in the most soothing voice I could muster. I made the cute little kissing sound you make to dogs to get their attention and said, "Hey Baby, you are so gorgeous, I'll bet you're lonely- huh? Are you warm enough? Do you want me to keep you company?" The dog was not responding as favorably as I had hoped, maybe she didn't hear me? So I leaned out the window a little more and repeated myself a little louder. It was then that my children, who were sitting in the back said, "Mom, stop it, you are totally embarassing us!" Well, I thought that was ridiculous, why should they care if I talk to a dog in the parking lot?! Then I noticed a skinny older guy walking past the car the dog was in. He had a funny look on his face and when he saw me looking at him, his pace quickened and his demeanor said it all. HE THOUGHT I WAS MAKING KISSY NOISES AND PROPOSITIONING HIM!!!!!!!!

Ya gotta have a sense of humor to be me.... well, it's that or go crazy!!

Wild Weekend!

2007-01-21T17:15:00.000-05:00

Wow- is all I can say. Life just blows me out of the water sometimes!

Met up with an old friend for dinner this weekend. We had an amazing conversation and talked for hours. She is a kindred spirit and someone I feel I can be completely honest with. God has placed several of these persons in my life and I'm very grateful. Trisha if you read this, THANK YOU a million times over for thinking of me, meeting up with me and treating me to dinner. Bless you! Next time, it's on me...

Saturday morning we slept in and had a leisurely brunch with the kids. About 11:00am, we got a bizarre phone call. Jay picked up and this guy said, "Wheresdaweedat?" Jay didn't understand what he was trying to say, so the man repeated himself, "WheresDAweedAT?". Jay still didn't get it and said, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number". The guy said, "Is this Jay?" "Yeah" "Then I want my puff-puff!" Jay said, "I don't know what you're talking about." To which the man replied, "Don't F--- with me man, I want my stuff!" Jay said, "Look, I don't have your stuff and I don't know what you're talking about". The caller said, "Man, I know what paper routes you run and I will shoot you down". Jay hung up. (Guess the dummy didn't know we have caller ID and got his name & number) We called the Newspaper to inquire and turns out the guy is a former employee who quit and stole over a thousand dollars from the paper. The Police came out to talk to us and everything. Apparently, my husband unknowingly got in the middle of a drug-traffic ring that was using Newspaper racks. He inadvertantly threw out what appeared to be some wadded up trash in a rack and a bag of drugs was in amongst the wadded up paper. Anyway, kinda scary! Jay sees this as a sure sign it's time for us to move on...

Honestly, Jay has had it pretty bad the past 3 yrs. He's worn out, completely humbled- devastated is more like it. Getting fired from an 11 yr career and going bankrupt has a way of doing that to a man. Now he's exhausted from working 2 jobs. You know things are bad when a 36 yr old man is too tired to even "show interest" in his wife. Everything we've done to stay in this area has fallen through. The little house we were hoping to rent is now for sale and we can't afford to buy it. Besides, who's going to give us a loan now? Looks like we are headed to MI- at least for a while. I was supposed to be in a friends wedding this April, now I'm probably going to have to miss it. Hate to break the news to the happy couple.
Today I had to tell MofM that I will no longer be able to sing with them. It was a tough announcement on my part as I love these girls. We cried and prayed together. They seem to understand and feel the gravity of my situation. I really love them, we've had a lot of good times working together- although we've had our share of differences, we stayed together and have done a lot of minstry. I don't know what will happen now, perhaps I'm just not meant to be a musician? Maybe all the rest of the songs I've written will remain in my folder unheard?? I'm not getting any younger... and unfortunately youthful looks are important. In a way, I'm ready just to give up on it. It's not like I want to be a big, famous label artist or anything. Those people have it tough and they are pretty much owned. I just want to make recordings of my songs and be able to perform from time to time- for posterity mostly.

Jay wants to stay in the apartment of some good friends up north, relax and pull ourselves and our marriage back together. He may be working at a Medical Supply company, then after we have healed a bit and saved up some money, we will head out to Montana- the dream state. Always knew in my heart we'd probably end up out there in the fresh air, but I thought it would be after our kids were older and we had done our music. Oh well, I know God has a plan in all of this chaos. We need time to re-connect as a family.

As I pack these boxes, in many ways it feels like I'm packing away my dreams. Perhaps I will never rise above the status I was born to. Sometimes I feel like a big NOTHING. In the hardest of times I always held on thinking someday things would be better. I know God better now than ever. He loves me and for some reason, He deems these trials necessary for my growth. I'm thankful that I still have a family- that's what matters most.

It seems very surreal that in just a few short weeks we will be leaving TN and heading for a new life. Years ago, moving was an adventure. Now I am dragging my feet, feeling sad and happy at the same time.

The Miracle of Mistakes...

2007-01-17T14:45:00.000-05:00

Don't know about you, but I've made my share of mistakes. You see, it all started when I was a baby attempting to walk- I miscalculated and fell a lot. My balance was challenged, but no more than that of any other baby. It would seem ridiculous for a parent to scold a baby for falling while attempting to walk. In fact, parents smile and make over a little one as he/she takes those important first steps. Proud Moms & Dads stand a short distance away, arms outstretched and invite the toddler to "Come to me".

I'm a reasonably coordinated, quick learner, but peddling a bike, riding a horse and learning how to skate were challenges. I went down a lot, but each time I bit the dust, I learned something. My brain was making calculations and recording results. Though I fell, I was learning and eventually, though I'll never be an Olympian, I could ride like a champ.

What would've happened if at any point, I was yelled at when I lost my balance? What if I was kicked out of the family unless I could promise never to make any mistakes? I would have been terrified to try anything and probably would have ended up a vegetable lying flat on my back and pretty much useless. Humans make mistakes- that's what we do. It's all part of a Divine learning program. Now, I'm not saying we should go out and deliberately do something we know is wrong and then excuse or explain it away. We need to use good judgement. However, even the most careful and sincere people mess up. Then what? Does God get angry and pull away? No, He forgives and encourages. Like a loving parent, He wipes the tears, brushes us off, sets us back on our feet and continues to invite "Come to Daddy, Sweetheart". I'm still learning how to walk- with Him. I've gotten tripped up and I've chased a few rabbit trails, but the miracle of it all is that these mistakes have taught me more about who I am and more importantly, Who God Is. I see my need for something bigger than myself.

When people scold, lecture and condemn people- especially the youth- for their behavior and think for them, they are telling them it's a sin to exercise our intelligence or make any miscalculations in the formula of life. This puts a ton of pressure on an already insecure person not to "mess up". Perfectionism is a cruel master. Christians tend to focus on avoiding certain behaviors and come down pretty hard on each other. Is this love or control? Maturity or manipulation? Wisdom or folly?
What if we allow each other room to question, to seek, to try on new thoughts and ideas? Is it possible that in our great caution against making mistakes, many who could run- even dance in the presence of the Lord are only allowed to walk with a cautious shuffle? If so, how then will we ever learn to fly??

Cluttered Houses & Broken Vessels...

2007-01-15T14:02:00.000-05:00

Today is 'Martin Luther King, Jr. Day' and we pause to remember a great man and his dream. Perfect? Not by any means, but he was used by God to help bring freedom to the captives, the oppressed and underpriviledged.
There's a mindset in many Christian circles that says we must be perfect before God can or will use us. This is a lie conjured up by the Devil. Should we strive for excellence- YES! We should do everything with considerable heart- as if to God Himself. Just don't obsess about being perfect or putting in a show-stopping performance every time.
Every great man or woman of God fell in some way, but they kept getting up, dusting off and trying again. They had the courage to do so because they understood the heart of God. He is patient, kind, merciful and forgiving.
Moses killed a man, Joseph spent time in prison, David committed adultery, Abraham & Solomon had more than 1 wife, Noah got drunk, Rahab was a whore, Peter had a bad temper, Gideon was a bit of a scaredy-cat, but God called and used them anyway- He could see that in their hearts they loved Him and wanted to do good.

I know a lady who NEVER invites friends over to her house. Her house is lovely, but with 3 children, it's often cluttered and she doesn't feel worthy of company- unless her house is perfectly clean, so she just won't relax and lay out the welcome mat. Apparently, she doesn't know that a true friend will enjoy spending time with you, even if your house is less than perfect. I feel sad for her. She is missing out on the blessing of hospitality and her friends all have complexes thinking they aren't good enough to be invited to her home. When the day comes for her to reflect on her life, it's likely she may regret that she didn't have friends over.

I have wasted much of my life trying to perfect myself, my image & presentation. I missed the opportunity to help others because I was so focused on myself, basing my idea of perfection on church teachings, upon what others thought of me & the opinions I was constantly receiving. Broken? Who me?? Now that I have seen the love of God on a deeper level, it's okay to admit I'm broken and I'm comfortable hanging out with other broken vessels. We can spend our lives and mental energy trying to make ourselves whole, unbroken vessels or we can allow God to use us where we are- TODAY. When a neighbor is hungry, they don't care whether or not you're perfect- they simply appreciate the food you bring. A drowning person doesn't wait for a perfect LifeGuard to come along- they don't care as long as they are saved. When a hiker is lost in a snowstorm, they don't give a snit whether the lodging is immaculate or the decor bright & shiny- they just want a place to get warm.

We can move forward in confidence and live with courage. God has used many flawed people like you & me for the greater good!

Whoo-hoooooo!

2007-01-12T14:02:00.000-05:00

This week was incredibly stressful for some of the reasons I mentioned in my last post. We have been doing the one-car shuffle- which, with two busy schedules is amazingly stressful. Yesterday the building inspector came again to determine if this house is on a permanant foundation or not. We were stressed to the max!

However, not only did the building inspector, but also the buyers showed up. I was not prepared for company, let alone the potential buyers of our house- in fact, I was in the shower when they arrived and Jay went out to meet and talk with them. The house was cluttered and I could've died of embarassment, but hey- I've got 4 kids and if you want the house immaculate when you arrive, ya gotta call ahead and give us some time to pick-up.
Anyway, I was stressing out bigtime in the bathroom, trying to get ready for work and worrying about them thinking we are dirty redneck people or something.... 30 minutes later, I was curling my hair and my man came in and said, "Well, he passed the foundation and we are moving the first week of Feb.- the sale is still ON!" Then, I don't know what happened, but he says I passed out with the curling iron still wound tightly in my hair. He caught me and somehow managed to unwrap the thing without burning himself or me. I 'came to' on the bed with he & my oldest daughter looking down at me saying, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" I can count only 3 times that I've ever passed out in my life. Wierd!! Guess I was just overwhelmed with relief- as we were facing the possibility of foreclosure if the sale didn't go through.

So, it looks like we are back on track and can make some plans... :o) Have a GREAT weekend!!

How Long?

2007-01-09T23:12:00.000-05:00

Two words dominate my thinking tonight. "How Long?" I just finished quieting and tucking in a sobbing 6 yr old. She says, "Why can't we just be a family again and eat breakfast together and play games and just be all of us at home like we used to be? I want you to be home again. Why can't it just happen??" She cried as if her little heart was breaking- same way she cried 2 yrs ago when I took her old, faded Pink Blankby away and slipped in a new one exactly like it on the sly. She tolerated it for 2 wks, then came to me in tears saying she missed her old blankby and wanted her back. My precious little "Bunny" is sentimental above all of my other children.
I once told the story of my black & white Pandy-bear with button eyes & Blue Rabbie with satin ears- 2 stuffed animal friends I had when I was little. I slept with them every night, one under each arm and gave them rides in my Radio Flyer wagon. They wanted to know why I don't have them anymore, so I explained how they were lost in one of many relocations. Although my parents knew exactly where the box that held them both was left in the old house, I could not with all my pleadings convince them to go back and get them. Recently, we were in the car and the children asked me if I ever had a toy that was really special to me and the story of my two most precious toys came out. Suddenly from the back of the van came the sound of uncontrollable sobs. Yes, my baby was crying back there FOR ME! She said, "Mama, you loved Rabbie & Pandy as much as I love my Pink Blankby and now they are gone forever and ever"....... more sobs. I had NO idea it would upset her like that! As soon as we got home, she ran straight for the table and drew me a bunch of pictures of both toys and amazingly, her drawings looked JUST LIKE THEM! How she knew, I do not know, but I keep the drawings beside my bed and somewhere deep inside me, a little girl is pleased.
Although we are so weary from years of this cursed misfortune, we still have our wonderful children. God, I thank you for innocent little hearts that hold such great amounts of love and tenderness. If you are no longer hearing my prayers or have grown tired of my pleas, can you hear those of my children asking You to help us??

So I wrapped Bunny in her favorite blankby, rocking her in my arms while she cried for what has been lost to all of us- the joy of having family time and a regular, more relaxed schedule. I want nothing more than to have the power to fix all of this and make it better....

How long, Lord? How long??

Beautiful Comes from the Heart...

2007-01-08T00:50:00.000-05:00

My mother loved me, but was very critical at times. She was often picking out my worst features or my weight, or telling me how ugly my hair looked. (I was pale with reddish hair.) We didn't have much money, I was short and the "ugly duckling" during most of my schooling. I pretty-much believed whatever nastiness other people said about me- messages that play repeatedly in my head.

Then I married Jay. He's not perfect, but he thinks I'm beautiful and has never ceased to tell me so. His pet names for me are 'Shining Eyes', 'Pretty Mama' and 'My Treasure'. At first when he would call me these things I would just roll my eyes and think "how corny". But I think he is getting through to me. I still have days when I feel like a toad, but most of the time I'm feeling better about myself. I guess this is part of growing up? It is a mystery to me how recently, during the hardest time of my life, people tell me I look radiant. They ask me what skin care regimen I'm doing. Well, I'm not doing anything special, I just feel different inside. All the stress of our current situation weighs heavily on me- it is overwhelming, but inside I have this sense of peace- this vibrant warmth no words can describe. My heart is growing. I believe God loves me, He accepts me as His daughter and thinks I'm beautiful. It really helps to know this when everything you've tried to build comes crashing down around your feet. I want so much more for my children! We need to laugh, play and delight in being a family. I look at this recent photo and see that my countenance has changed. I look older, but wiser too.

This morning, we slept in a little. Jay and I spent 2 hrs talking, crying, venting our frustrations. We are both worn out. Gut level honesty and communication are important features of any relationship and we did not hold back. We talked about the reasons we got married, the challenges we are facing and how much we've changed over the last 14 yrs. (I was still a teenager when we married) We have considered a trial separation, but that's not what either of us want. We want to hold this thing together, but how do you when circumstances dictate that you rarely see each other? I need romance and intimacy, but that's virtually impossible when you are both working so hard and barely scraping by. Quality time together is extremely important to me- not as high a priority for him, but he knows that in order for this marriage to survive now he is going to invest more time in the relationship.

Anyway, at the end of our long talk, he was leaning against the headboard looking up at the ceiling, I just laid my head quietly against his chest and he stroked my hair as if I were a little girl. It was comforting. I have been humbled by the gravity of living and the reality of my limitations. This is not all bad. Somehow it helps to know I am not alone- though I do not celebrate the fact that my man suffers with me. I felt very close to him today and this encouraged me. Whether we stay together or part ways in the future, I owe him a lot. I have gained so much from being in this relationship. Nothing learned is a waste of time. Despite his shortcomings and mine, Jay has helped me learn to love myself and that's a miracle for which I am grateful.

Enduring with Dignity...

2007-01-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

"The manner in which one endures what must be endured is more important than the thing that must be endured." - Dean Acheson

Wise words! I don't know what 2007 holds in store, but my greatest desire is that I will handle it with dignity and grace.

The first week of the New Year and there is no break from our trials. Jay's car died- cost $450 to repair and the Building Inspector that came to look at our house didn't like our shingles or our foundation, so the sale of our house is now in jeopardy- ridiculous! This place is only 10 yrs old and solid as a rock! However, if it doesn't sell, we will most likely end up making a late payment or defaulting on our mortgage. (Humiliating for anyone with integrity to face) It is difficult not to be bitter toward those leaders who put us in this position by demanding we follow the ministry down here, then after we take on a bigger mortgage, they fire my man. Worst of all, no one in the denomination will take any responsibility for what happened to our family & 5 others, so there is no closure, only this terrible frustration. My life and marriage are ready to split at the seems from all the incredible stress. God help us!

I go to my quiet place whenever I can to plead with Heaven to hear us, to have mercy on us and lighten our load somehow. I bow and weep before the Lord of all things and walk away- not feeling lighthearted, but my shoulders are squared and my head is carried upright. I will cry alone in the dark, I will workout hard and I will write my thoughts here to cope until something changes for the better.

Sometimes I strongly identify with a character I saw in an old movie once. No idea what the title was- as I only caught one scene. A woman of nobility is being led to her execution. She is not guilty of any crime, but there is great hatred toward her. They are throwing rocks and tomatoes at her, they are shouting obscenities and calling her a dog, yet there is a calm on her face. She knows who she is- their opinions will not shake her and she goes defiantly peaceful to her death. Jesus too, stood calmly before hatred. They put him through a mock trial, ripped out his beard, struck Him and spat upon Him. They taunted Him, even as He hung on the Cross- stripped of every dignity- including His clothing. Yet He did not sink into the bowels of hatred.
Love is far stronger than any bitterness.

Life is throwing everything it can at us. I'm lonely and I am weary, but as long as there is breath left in me, I will keep the words of God that were spoken to my heart. "You are mine, purchased of my Blood and you will be lifted up. Hold on just a little longer and I will move in your favor."

Please pray for me and my family...

Music for the Soul...

2007-01-03T16:52:00.000-05:00

Beautiful music is caressing my soul, the sweet sounds of my heritage fill the room. AWESOME!! The purity of the vocals, the inspiring instrumentation lifts me up. Two thumbs WAY up for this project! I find myself weeping for several of the songs- touching release. Their link is in the right-hand column if you'd like to visit their site and learn more about them. I am a lover, singer, dancer, mother, rider, but above all else, a free-spirited lady. My heart is weary, but thrills to good music and splendid scenery. The hectic life we lead threatens to shut me down and close me in, but that is NOT who I am and I refuse to let life get the best of me. This music makes my spirit fly like that of a wild mare and I hope it will touch you as well.

Out With The Old...

2007-01-03T01:07:00.000-05:00

Good riddance to the nightmare that was 2006 and I welcome the mystery of this New Year. We'll see what comes of it. Surely our string of misfortune will not last? Spent New Year's weekend in Texas with my friend Allie and her husband Jayce. Fun! We mostly just chilled out. Went shopping a little, ate out, had some Soy Latte's, watched some movies and just enjoyed each other's company. I picked up some sickness on the plane ride there, so I was a little out of it. I really missed my man while in TX and never feel as lonely as I do when I'm in an airport all alone. Everyone is a stranger there and I feel very curious and disconnected. I mean it's a strange kind of lonely that just sucks you dry from the inside out. I didn't enjoy that part of the trip at all. Made up for lost time with my man when I got home- that's always nice. There's just something about his big strong arms around me that gives me courage to keep hope alive for a better year in 2007 and beyond... God help us hold this marriage together!

One of my daughters has a bad case of Chicken Pox. She looks awful, but I know she will be better soon. Poor kid has really been through the ringer this year! We all have.

I wasn't happy about the execution of Saddam Hussein- no strong sense of relief or victory. Felt it was more of a media ploy than anything else- maybe just to stir up retaliation so as to pinpoint more sources of resistance? I still don't see where the connections were between Saddam and Osama Bin Laden or Iraq and 9/11. hmmmmm. The death of any human being does nothing to excite me. Sometimes war may be necessary, but any loss of life is a tragedy to me. I believe there is good and bad in every one. We should never be so one-sided in our views that we cannot see the value of life in those who oppose us. We are all capable of great deeds of mercy, but also of evil. I hope that my presence in this life will, even in some small way, bring about something positive.

Denver Broncos are out of the play-offs now. I'm very disappointed!!

Worked a long shift at the YMCA today. Swamped with New Year's Eve resolutions. I signed up about 12 people for memberships. Some will stick with it, but in about 3 wks many will start to give up- happens every year in fitness. I try to tell people that moderate, consistent effort is what makes a difference, but there are those who insist on coming in completely out of shape and working out as long and HARD as conditioned athletes. The higher the intensity the better in their minds. Well, they end up exhausted, nauseated, sore, injured and disappointed. Bless their hearts, I see them overdo it BIGTIME with this look on their faces that says, "I, I will survive", but they just can't keep up that kind of pace. Then they blame the club & instructors for not getting them where they want to be and demand refunds on membership. Go figure!

Not sure I'm making any official resolutions this go-round- though it's always my goal to be a better person today than I was the day before and keep learning...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!

Christmas Memories

2006-12-24T00:58:00.000-05:00

Everyone's got some kind of Christmas memories- whether they observe the holiday or not. Here's a walk down memory lane and a few things I remember:

- Feeling all warm and cozy sitting by the tree & watching snow falling outside the window.
- When I was very little (Before parents split) my Mom used to make Christmas very special. Dad was always gone trucking, but she would decorate late at night with garland, tree, ornaments, lights and tinsel. When we awoke the next morning, the whole trailer had been transformed into a Christmas wonderland.
- A couple of Christmases, my folks hid some of our gifts and we had to search the house for them. That was fun!
- My Aunt & Uncle always had a pretty tree with a train set up underneath it.
- Making popcorn strings, drinking cocoa, listening to Mantovani Orchestra play carols
- Watching Rudolph, Frosty & Charlie Brown Christmas Specials. It's a Wonderful Life was always a hit.
- Hearing Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, Patty Paige, Julie Andrews, Jerry Mathis and the golden voice of Karen Carpenter on the radio
- Decorating the Christmas tree with my dorm roomate & listening to Manheim Steamroller's Christmas tapes
- Caroling with friends and performing in Handel's Messiah many times
- Eating cashews and pistachios out of pretty Christmas tins.
- Gathering in pajamas, wrapped in blankets to snuggle and listen to Christmas stories
- Driving around looking at Christmas lights.
- Christmas of '96 we had a blizzard in PA- snowed in with my husband's family. We were all stuck for 2 wks and it was great. Nice memories were made. Little did we know at the time it was my Mother-in-law's last Christmas on earth.
- Serving Chrismas Dinner at a homeless shelter and eating with the people there.
- Taping Christmas cards we receive on the wall. We get fewer every year. E-mails are not the same!!! You can't tape them on the wall and enjoy them. There's just something special about getting something in the mail. (Due to the hectic pace of our lives this year, I didn't send out cards. Feel bad about this, but maybe next year?)
- Sharing Christmas with our kids and seeing their delight. Hearing them sing carols.
- The joy of handing some stranger $50 in Walmart and saying "Have a Merry Christmas". I LOVE to see their reactions!!!! Wish I had more money- I'd do that more often.
- Being 'Mary' for pageants 4 years in 1 decade because I was always quite pregnant during December.
- Mistletoe- I'll say no more.....
- Big Christmas dinners with family & friends.
- Grandma B's Christmas cookies

Christmas Future:
- I'd like to take my kids on a sleigh ride and sledding- they've never been!
- I want to see the 'Transiberian Orchestra' in concert
- I want to attend a live Nutcracker Ballet
- I'd like to make a Christmas album
- I'd like to find a place to ice-skate (won't be in TN or GA) where they play Christmas music
- I want to adopt a goat, cow or chickens to send to families in third-world countries through World Vision.
- I'd love to participate in a live nativity someday
- It would be neat to have a house big enough to hold a large family gathering...
- Starting a Christmas Tree Farm
- Spending the holidays in Ireland & Scotland
Do you have any Christmas memories or dreams you'd like to share?

It's That Time of Year Again!

2006-12-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

Guess I'm getting older, but the hustle and bustle I used to find so exciting totally exhausts me! As a child, I was blissfully ignorant of the behind-the-scenes work that went into making a Merry Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy people and being in public, but shopping the Mall until your feet hurt and standing in line for 45 minutes at Walmart is ridiculous! Traffic in our little city is crazy right now! I love celebrations, just not all the busy-ness that goes along with them. I think it should be a time just to chill out and breathe a little.
I find there are two approaches to the current season. On the far right of the religious scene, we have militant Christians protesting "Put the Christ back in Christmas", while on the far left we have people screaming that Christmas is a "Pagan" holiday- an abomination. Enough already. Why can't we just let people be and observe as they see or don't see fit? Why the militant attitudes about a holiday meant to be filled with joy & peace? Yes, I've studied with Jehovah's Witnesses (was one for 2 yrs) We didn't observe Christmas, birthdays or say the pledge of allegiance- thought God was asking this of us. We led a bland existence and felt quite the self-righteous martyrdom for our abstainance.
Honestly, I really don't give a rip what the "supposed origins" of Christmas are- I've heard every argument under the sun for and against the celebration of Christmas. Well, I didn't live in the time when it all got started. All I know is what it means to us today. Christmas is a time to connect with friends & family- a very deeply spiritual time for me, but not everyone feels that way and God gives them that right. Having the heart of Christ in us means being able to look anyone in the eye and wish them a "Happy Holiday" and truly mean it- regardless. In the name of peace and goodwill, my family and I will be singing 3 songs for a Christmas program being held by the very church that caused a LOT of our problems last year. They invited us and we are singing for them. Not going to rejoin them, but we want them to know we forgive them for what they did and wish them a Merry Christmas. Not easy after all the hurt, but in my heart I know it's the right thing to do.

Those who bash Christmas as being pagan- in the name of being Biblical, had better go all the way with their reasoning:
Where in the Bible, does it command wedding ceremonies & honeymoons?
Where does it say we should have Thanksgiving Day?
Where in the Bible does it command that we register to vote or have a Driver's Licenses?
Where does it say you have to wear a dress or a 3 piece suit to worship the Lord?
Where in the Bible does it endorse the Pipe Organ as the official church instrument?
Where does it say we should have a middle name?
Where in the Bible does it say to observe birthdays or wedding anniversaries?
It doesn't. So are all these things "Pagan"? Or because Christians start some of these traditions, does it mean God is offended?? I think not. I've written along these lines before... All I know is that my Bible says God is love and I do not see Him in the angry faces of debators & protestors.

There are people out there whom I refer to as 'religious scientists'. (not to be confused with Scientologists) They are constantly out on the fringe of paranoia studying every religious conspiracy theory-not in depth, or with well-rounded perspectives, but just enough to consider it a cause legitimate enough to go around lecturing any poor soul who crosses their paths. They consider themselves "in the know" about virtually every topic politically, historically and Biblically and love to set everyone else straight. I was once very outspoken for several religious "causes". Once you catch a true glimpse of Who God Is, everything else just fades in comparison. I have no higher cause than seeking God, learning what it really means to live and love. Any theory or mindset that makes me think of myself as better, smarter or holier than someone else needs to be closely examined...

Silence is a Treasure!

2006-12-19T15:18:00.000-05:00

As a Full-Time worker & busy Mom of 4, it seems my life is quite noisy! Cell phones ring, doors slam, car alarms go off, loud music plays, TV's blare, dogs bark, children cry- everywhere there's a constant stream of chatter. It's rare these days to stand in line at the store without hearing someone talk on the phone. Can't even do the bathroom thing in peace without being captive audience to the whole story of Torrie's big break-up because, like, the gal in the stall beside you is, like, spilling drama on her phone. First of all, I don't get it! How on earth does she manage to keep from dropping her cell in the jon? (There are times I wish it would happen- especially when my girls are with me- just to have a little quiet for 5 mins and avoid the over-education of my daughters young minds.) Cell phone usage, though a necessary evil, is often the bearer of T.M.I. (Too Much Information) I'm regularly forced to overhear someone describe details of their colonoscopy, ingrown toenail procedure, etc. over the phone in the lobby of the YMCA. Do we regard our privacy so lightly these days? Try to have a rare, intimate evening out with your man, while the chick next table over is yakking on her phone- relaying everything the other party says to her date. We all but stood up and cheered when they left! I'm not the only one who's life is full of noise pollution. I feel like a misfit in today's crowded, fast-paced society. Perhaps Trailady was born in the wrong century?
So, I read once more in my 'Native American Wisdom' book and find a chapter about Words & Silence. As a speaker, poet and writer, I love words- they are a gift. However, I believe there's such a thing as too many, or overuse of words. As an editor I learned that often we use too many words to make even a simple point. Language is a gift to be used wisely. So here goes, from the heart of our Natives:

"The first American mingled with his dignity a singular humility. Spiritual arrogance was foreign to his nature and teaching. He never claimed that his power of articulate speech was proof of superiority over "dumb creation"; on the other hand, speech is to him a perilious gift.
He believes profoundly in silence- the sign of a perfect equalibrium. Silence is the absolute poise or balance of body, mind and spirit. The man who preserves his selfhood ever calm and unshaken by the storms of existence-- not a leaf, as it were, astir on the tree, not a ripple upon the surface of shining pool-- his silence, in the mind of the unlettered sage, is the ideal attitude and conduct of life... To maintain silence is the cornerstone of good character." - Ohiyesa of the Santee Sioux

"Silence was meaningful to the Lakota, and his granting a space of silence before talking was done in the practice of true politeness and regardful of the rule that "thought comes before speech."
And in the midst of sorrow, sickness, death or misfortune of any kind, and in the presence of notable and great, silence was the mark of respect. More powerful than words was silence with the Lakota. His strict observance of this tenet of good behavior was the reason, no doubt, for his being given the false characterization by the white man of being stoic. He has been judged to be dumb, stupid, indifferent, and unfeeling.
As a matter of truth, he was the most sympathetic of men, but his emotions of depth and sincerity were mixed with self-control Silence means to the Lakota what it meant to Disraeli when he said, "Silence is the mother of truth." for the silent man was ever to be trusted, while the man ever ready with speech was never taken seriously." - Chief Luther Standing Bear of the Teton Sioux

I love to sit in silence, listening for the whisper of wind in the trees or the soft sound of falling snowflakes. There have been nights on my back deck where I sit in contemplation and hear the flapping of bat wings as they eat bugs around the barn light. I will greatly miss this while we live in the city. God, I sure hope this is REALLY temporary. My spirit wilts when I'm fenced in... I pray my journey will someday lead to the wilds of Montana.

Reality...

2006-12-16T23:45:00.000-05:00

I think, therefore I exist,
I breathe, therefore I am alive,
I bleed, therefore I know pain,
I laugh, therefore I remain hopeful,
I need, therefore I am human.

~ PW

To be limited by flesh and blood mortality is a challenge to all. There is a deep hunger in us that seeks to be filled and so we try all sorts of things and hook-up with all kinds of people in order to find fulfillment. Lessons are learned and we react to life in one of two ways:

1) We reject ourselves, focusing on percieved flaws and wallowing in guilt and shame. We constantly reinvent ourselves in hopes of finding just the right lifestyle formula (job, church, mate, car, house) to feel happy, earn more acceptance from others and convince God not to burn us up. We remember our shortcomings, often doing penance through great deeds and sacrifices in order to prove to ourselves and to God that we are good.

2) We accept that we are weak, imperfect beings and love ourselves anyway. We view our mistakes as learning experiences and are not afraid to move on, trying different things and weighing out many thought processes. We come to realize that in order to love our neighbors, we must first embrace ourselves. We relax into our existence and enjoy living.

I ask, which of these two approaches is most healthy? God gave us minds and He wants us to use them. We should not be spoon-fed our beliefs, blindly accepting whatever we are taught. We must ask, seek and knock in order to gain truth. We must read, pray and weigh things out for ourselves. Sometimes, we may reach incorrect conclusions, but Grace allows us the opportunity to explore our faith. God is not impressed with our martyrdom. We cannot force His hand to bless us. He loves because that is Who He is. He forgives and saves, because He is merciful- not because we earn it.

Life is too short to constantly feel bad about ourselves and be down on others. I do not believe this is the will of God. Either He is big enough to save us from ourselves or He isn't. There is no middle ground. That is the reality I am facing... I choose to believe God can handle my sin and change my heart. I choose to relax and live my life abundantly.

Go Figure!

2006-12-14T16:05:00.000-05:00

To all my readers: I'm not perfect, okay and I'm the first to admit it. I make mistakes everyday. I'm just a lady on a journey and I do not perfectly live out what I have learned. (Who does?)

Apparently, "Ro" is a real person who claims his first comment was meant as sincere not as sarcastic. Sometimes when you read a comment from someone you don't know, it can sound either way. I'm a fiesty girl who is on the defensive right now. I am painfully aware of my shortcomings. There have been more than enough people wanting to bestow their wisdom upon us- usually by telling us how we are doing things ALL wrong and offering us cute little cliche statements that amount to a hill of beans when you are feeling devastated. Not a great way to help people who are down to tell them they are on the wrong path or being stubborn. Anyway, my response to Ro was meant to set a boundary while being somewhat humorous, as for all practical purposes it seemed he was a flamer- if I for a moment thought he was legit, I would never have responded to him in that way. (I deleted several nonsense comments lately that are not worth repeating- from bloggers I don't know and spammers.) If Ro is a genuine person, then I welcome him.

Anyone can disagree with me on this blog as long as it's done respectfully- and many have. I am open to a variety of opinions...

One Step at A Time...

2006-12-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

Our house sold! We won't come out with tons of equity, but that's to be expected since we only lived here 2 yrs. Jay has been driving a 1985 auto for 2 yrs now- it's literally falling apart. We've come out far enough ahead to get a new (used) vehicle, start our savings toward a future home-building project and give a large chunk to our Producer over in Nashville. Yes, we are moving forward with our CD! Pieces of the puzzle seem to be falling into place.... slowly, but surely....

Gave our chickens away to the neighbors and they wished us well. Found out, in addition to the racoons and possums that were killing our hens outside, two chicken hawks found a way into our barn and were wiping out the chickens inside! Smart critters! Though I don't like what they were doing, I do respect their intelligence in figuring out how to perch on the side of the barn, squeeze through a small gap between the wall and the roof to get in and feed. Amazing!! We won't have chickens again until we are able to build a home in the country and a proper barn to house them. Chalk this lot up to experience.

Gave my notice at the YMCA today- my last day there will be Feb 2. We will be renting a house in GA until we get back on our feet financially. It's in town (big sigh) but only temporary. I will cut way back on my hours, or perhaps not even work after we move. Hate to switch the kids schools halfway through the year AGAIN, but that's unavoidable.

The Praise Dance recital went very well. We did 2 songs: 'Come Holy Spirit' and 'In this Sanctuary'. My husband- who tends to be very unemotional came up hugging me in tears afterward saying, "That was so beautiful Baby, I was sure blessed by that ministry. You girls did a great job". He was not the only one, so we feel that strongholds were broken that night in the name of The Lord. Of course, there were a few 'holier than thous' totally offended by our slow, worshipful routines, graceful arm movements and SLOW, conservative songs, but I guess that's always to be expected. Can't please everyone. My question to these people is always, "When did God make YOU an authority over the Bible?" The Bible repeatedly talks about praising the Lord in the dance. Miriam danced, David danced, it's likely that Jesus Himself, being of Jewish heritage also danced. There is NO sin in movement- those who can't separate Holy dance from sexual club dancing are no experts!! So, I'm totally continuing this activity- unless God Himself speaks to my heart, I will continue to lift my hands and praise Him in this way. Not sure where I am with the whole religious thing- still sorting it out. The things I've witnessed/experienced the past 2 years have really BLOWN my mind in that respect and have reshaped my thinking. People can claim to be Christian, but actions can show otherwise. The wounds go deep and I'm sick of people saying we have no right to feel anger. When they say that- it's a slap in the face. In essence they are saying, "You shouldn't have any feelings. You have no rights. Snap to it and forget all about it." This is highly insensitive. It's kinda hard to "forget all about it" when you have to live with the results of their mistreatment on a daily basis. I can be angry about what happened without hating anyone. Yes, it's possible! The Bible says, "Be angry, but do not sin". Here's what I've learned recently:

1) Being Christian gives NO right to judge or condemn people who don't think like you.
2) Being Christian doesn't mean you have a right to exert your influence/control over others.
3) Being a Christian doesn't mean you have all the answers.
4) Being Christian doesn't mean being preachy all the time.
5) Being Christian doesn't mean you won't suffer- even if you pay a faithful tithe. There are NO guarantees in this life for Christians or non-Christians. Sunlight and rain fall on the Godly and Ungodly alike.

PS. "Ro Hunter" and anyone else who wants to leave nasty, negative little comments just out of the blue, I will not take you seriously. I will delete you- so don't waste your time! I don't mind people respectfully disagreeing with me, but ignorance and backhanded comments are not welcome here. Go chase yourself!

Thought Provoking Poetry...

2006-12-12T11:20:00.000-05:00

Don't look for the flaws as you go through life;
and even when you do find them
It is wise and kind to be somewhat blind,
and look for the virtue behind them
For the cloudiest night has a hint of light
Hope somewhere in shadow is hiding
It is better by far to hunt for a star
than the spots on the sun abiding.

The world will never adjust itself
to suit every whim to the letter
Some things may go wrong your whole life long,
and the sooner you know it the better.
It is folly to struggle with the Infinite,
and go under at last while you wrestle
The wiser ones shape unto God's plan,
as the water shapes into the vessel.

My Daddy wrote a letter- not to me but to my husband. This is a RARE thing. I can count on one hand the number of letters I have ever received from my Dad over the years so this is BIG. His letter packet included a book and this old poem. Author is unknown. I really like it though and of course it's special to finally hear something from my Dad during this trial.
Folks, it's no exaggeration to say that our lives have been a terrible struggle, all but completely unsettled the last 14 yrs following the radio ministry all over the country and the various challenges that brought. However, the last 5 yrs took the cake! Anything that could go wrong did and now we're moving AGAIN! We tried so hard to 'Count it all joy', but eventually you get worn down to nothing and the effort taxes an exhausted mind, body and spirit until it can no longer make the choice to be hopeful. We know what it feels like to be stretched to the breaking point and held there.

Last night on my way to work I cried. Evenings used to be a special gathering time for us over the years- even when Jay couldn't be home, the kids and I would read or tell stories, watch a movie, play games or sit by the fire. Now because of my crazy work schedule, I miss out on that a lot. I pounded the steering wheel and shouted to God, "What do you want from us? Tell us and we'll do it, but You've got to give us some kind of indication what Your plan for us is and help something work out in our favor. I can't live this way any longer!" A sense of calm came over me- I cannot describe it except to say that I suddenly felt quite warm inside and calm- my anger and frustration evaporated. The Voice that speaks inside me said, "Wait just a little longer... I'm not done with you or Jay. I still have a purpose for you and I will bring things to pass for your good." (I still feel a sense of peace.)
Our house is for sale- take a virtual tour of our property here: https://osa.prudentialproperties.com/id/start.aspx?photos=1&propid=214R000129377#tblPhotos We like this place, just can't afford it without killing ourselves to pay for it, so it must go. We are currently in serious negotiations with one of several potential buyers right now, but had NO IDEA where to go from here. Obviously because of our current financial situation we aren't coming out with much equity, so our options were quite limited. When I got home last night, my man told me that we now have a place to rent down in Georgia and that he will be working in greater capacity with a businessman we know and trust. This means, we will have a lot more money and I won't have to work- or at least not so many hours away from home. Still don't have all the answers, but this is definitely a step in the right direction!!!!!!!!

Accomplishment

2006-12-09T22:00:00.000-05:00

"In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake, but by what you finally accomplish." - Donald Trump

Easy for him to say- he's richer, more powerful and successful by far than many of us will ever be. In worldly terms he's a real giant of achievement. Truly, he worked his way up and deserves to enjoy his accomplishment.

Sometimes I feel like all I'll ever do is try and never succeed. As life drifts by year after year, I am beginning to realize that perhaps I will never accomplish any of my dreams. In a spiritual sense, I'm glad I'm not graded by God on how much I accomplish.

I still think that in this life we have a warped sense of success. The man with the most toys and the biggest bank account still dies. How many times we laughed, played and danced upon the earth and passionately caring for the people in our lives is more important in my book.

Native Wisdom: Good -vs- Evil

2006-12-08T09:59:00.000-05:00

A Native American Elder was trying to describe the struggle between good and evil here on earth to his young Grandson.

"Good is a bear, evil is a wolf and the two are always fighting to decide who is stronger" said the Elder.

"Which one will win, Grandfather?" Asked the child.

To which the Grandfather replied, "The one you feed."

Thoughts of Mother Earth

2006-12-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

Still reading my 'Native American Wisdom' book- lovin' it! Always intrigued by NA culture. I attended two friendship fires, have danced around the big fire with the natives of this land and traded friendship trinkets. I've listened to their stories, eaten the fry bread and ridden across the deserts of New Mexico at break-neck speeds on their Mustangs. It was a Native American who told me I could ride my horse through a herd of grazing deer while sitting straight & still in the saddle. The scent of the horse mingled with my scent and I passed unnoticed through the middle of a herd in the wilds of Northern Idaho- just as he said I would. Awesome!

Faith in God should expand, not narrow our points of view. The older I get, the more I understand the greatness of God, and feel connection with my fellow man and the earth around me. It is disturbing to see a lack of concern on the part of believers- not only for each other, but for conservation of our resources. God is our Father, and I agree with the Native view that earth is like our mother. God formed man from the dust of the earth. We were taken from her and fashioned into something that is functional and spiritual. She offers us food and shelter. When we die, our bodies decay, returning to oneness with her. In recent centuries, humanity has shown greed and disrespect for the earth. I've seen enough tree-stripping, chemical spraying and have done enough time on trash patrol along the highways to know this. I am inspired and touched by the wisdom I find in this little book regarding the earth. Here's a quote from a Native Chief who was also a Believer:

"Every part of all this soil is sacred to my people. Every hillside, every valley, plain and grove has been hallowed by some sad or happy event in days long vanished. The very dust you now stand on responds more willingly to our footsteps than to yours, because it is rich with the blood of our ancestors and our bare feet walk softly upon her, conscious of the sympathetic touch.... A few more hours, a few more winters, and none of the children of the great tribes that once lived upon the earth, or that roamed in small bands in the woods, will be left to mourn the graves of a people once as powerful and hopeful as yours.

The whites, too, shall pass-- perhaps sooner than other tribes, Continue to contaminate your own bed, and you will one night suffocate in your own waste.
When the buffalo are all slaughtered, the wild horses all tamed, the secret corners of the forest heavy with the scent of men, and the view of the ripe hills blotted by talking wires, where is the thicket? Gone. Where is the eagle? Gone.

And what is left to say farewell to the swift men and the hunt? When is the end of living and the beginning of survival? We might understand if we knew what it was that the white man dreams, what he describes to his children on the long winter nights. What visions does he burn into their minds so they will wish for tomorrow? But we are called savages. The white man's dreams are hidden from us." - Chief Seattle of the Suqwamish and Duwamish (1786-1866)

The Birth of A New Blog...

2006-12-05T13:52:00.000-05:00

I have opened a new blog called 'Signs & Wonders'. http://signs-n-wonderz.blogspot.com
I will tend to post things of a more spiritual nature on this blog and welcome reader comments- especially if you've read a really good or bad church sign recently or enjoy discussing beliefs.

From here on out, 'My Journey' will be more of a personal journal/worldview/random thought spot. I am a spiritually minded lady, so you'll still hear some of my thoughts about God here- just felt it was time to make a seperate blog solely for posts of that nature. :o)

Native Inspiration...

2006-12-02T16:07:00.000-05:00

I am the very satisfied owner of a book called, 'Native American Wisdom', edited by Kent Nerburn & Louise Mengelkoch. EXCELLENT! Below are some of the quotes that I thought were simply profound:

On the ways of words:
"I believe much trouble and blood would be saved if we opened our hearts more. I will tell you in my way how the Indian sees things. The white man has more words to tell you how things look to him, but it does not require many words to speak the truth." - Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce

On integrity:
"My people are poor, because we are honest." - Red Dog of the Oglala Sioux

On Relationship:
"Friendship is the severest test of character. We think it easy to be loyal to family and clan, whose blood is in our own veins. Love between a man and woman is founded on the mating instinct and is not free from desire and self-seeking. But to have a friend, and be true under any and all trials, is the mark of a man! - Ohiyesa of the Santee Sioux

On Religion:
"My people do not want churches because they will teach us to quarrel about God as the Protestants and Catholics do. We desire peace. We may quarrel with men sometimes about things on this earth, but we never fight about God. We do not want to learn of this."
- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce

"Grandfather, Great Spirit, one day more behold me on earth and lean to hear my feeble voice. You lived first, and You are older than all things, stronger than all need, older than all prayer. All things belong to You-- the two-legged, the four-legged, the wings of the air, and all green things that live. You have set the powers of the four winds of the earth to cross each other. You have made me walk the good road and the road of hardship. The place where these two cross is holy. Day in, day out, and always, You are the life of all things." - Black Elk of the Oglala Sioux

"No tribe has the right to sell the land, even to each other, much less to strangers. Sell a country! Why not sell the air, the great sea, as well as the earth? Didn't the Great Spirit make them all for the use of His children?" - Tecumseh of the Shawnee

The Ways of Dying:
"Death will come, always out of season." Big Elk, Omaha Chief

"Each soul must meet the morning sun, the new, sweet earth and the Great Silence alone!"
- Ohiyesa of the Santee Sioux

"I know that skin robes, leggings, moccasins, bear claws, and so on are of little value to you, but we wish you to have them and preserve them in some part of your lodge, (museum) so that when we are gone and the sod is turned over our bones, if our children should visit this place, as we do now, they may see and recognize with pleasure the things of their fathers, and reflect on the times that are now passing." Sharitarish of the Pawnee

"If the Great Spirit had desired me to be a white man, He would have made me so in the first place. He put in the heart of the whites certain wishes and plans; in my heart He put other and different desires. Each man is good in the sight of the Great Spirit. It is not necessary for eagles to become crows, yet both are good. Now, to you my people are poor, but we are free. No white-man controls our footsteps. If we must die, we die defending our rights." - Sitting Bull of the Teton Sioux

Some of these words really hit home for me. I was smiling and nodding my head in agreement to many and tearing-up over others. As I read this touching and wonderful book I could almost feel the rush of clean, fresh air on my face. Can you hear the sound of Elk calling in the distance? When I close my eyes, I am standing on the open plain, my arms open to the sky. Like the Indian, I want the freedom to live, to enjoy my family. Material things are nice, but also tie us down. The Natives of this land were very simple people, but they were not ignorant, heathen savages. I am deeply touched by the reverence of the Native American for all things living and the depth of feeling they had toward their lands and their families. There is wisdom to be learned from every culture. I'm glad someone recorded the words of these great men. :o)

Good Quote & GREAT Film!

2006-12-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

"What a fine comedy this world would be if one did not play a part in it!" - Denis Diderot

Wow- isn't that true?! Painful experiences and challenging events happen- it's a fact of life here on earth. We cannot always choose what is written into the pages of our lives. There remains a hope for me that someday all that has been hurtful, I will remember while rolling my eyes and grinning. I am quite prone to taking myself, my life, my feelings a little too seriously at times. There are so many facets of me. At work I am upbeat, outgoing and fun- I love to help people. At home, I am more reserved and thoughtful, but always ready for a good joke, a snuggle or some slow-dancing in the living room to my favorite songs. On my blog I am often quiet Melancholy- that is the artistic part of me that examines everything and ponders the ways of God and the purpose of our existence.

It is the end of a very long & busy week. I've had ZERO quality time with my man and very little with the kids. There were several times when I called my man and got cut off so he could talk to someone else. (Okay- who's priority here?) When I work such long hours, most of my time at home is spent trying to catch my breath, rest my foot, return phone calls and catch up with chores. I refuse to lose the sense of self that God has breathed into existence recently, so I have to make time to write, contemplate and pray about what I am learning & feeling.

I can't live like this forever- Jay may be able to do without spending much time with me, but I need quality time and lots of it! God knows this- why has He allowed our circumstances to be so chronically messed up? Jay is feeling rejected and has no sense of direction after his career ended so abruptly. He is restless and hurting- which hurts me. He doesn't say much, he just stays busy or sleeps. The kids aren't blind, they see our pain and it frustrates them.

Life stirs up passion in us and a desire for each other in the innocence of youth. We commit our lives to one another- we want to be together, hearts are on fire thinking we can outwit, outlast and outlove all those who ever tried & failed at marriage. Then, reality hits and for the rest of our lives we cannot seem to connect? We were always together or talking on the phone during our courtship. Literally, when I married him, I felt like I lost him- hardly saw him our first year of marriage as he devoted himself entirely to his studies. Then the kids came along. I love them dearly, but I've had to share him with them. They are top priority for him- I think I'm a close second. Perhaps if I felt like I was first, I would have more to give the children emotionally because my cup was full?
I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm trying to become more realistic in my expectations and make the most of what I've got to work with. Reality is, Jay is a nice guy and I've just barely scratched the surface of what it means to love. Sometimes, I don't know if I want to go any deeper than the romance phase if the "settling in phase" means feeling bored or ignored most of the time. Traditionally, we eat supper at Ryan's at the end of the week. Tonight as I sat there with my family, I looked around at all the smiling old couples. I can't help but wonder how many trials they have overcome together? What deep strength do they possess in order to stay together and find happiness? More than anything, I want to be faithful and to love more deeply. My own weaknesses are daunting.

If only I could unlock or describe the passion that is within me for living, loving and laughter. I think we both just want to connect- to feel alive again, instead of dull and unappreciated.

We recently saw a wonderful movie- an allegory about human relationships both male/female and parent/child. 'The Lakehouse' stars Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock. (Two of my favorites) They are soul-mates who are trapped in two different times. He is in 2004, she is in 2006. They want desperately to connect, but everything seems to stand in the way. I could totally relate to the film because I often feel the space between my heart and those I love is insurmountable. Sometimes I feel like a little bird beating against the glass pane of the window to their souls. I can see in, but can't quite break through and I'm not sure anyone wants to let me in. How many times can one beat against this invisible, but very real barrier until falling lifelessly to the ground? Is there some strange and wonderful magic that will come into play, renewing the flames that have burned so low??

Human Sexuality & Faith

2006-11-30T10:39:00.000-05:00

Can Faith & sexuality co-exist? For many, they do not, or barely do. Fact: many Christians are quite uncomfortable with their own sexuality. From early on, we are taught directly or indirectly that the body is sinful and evil, and sex is a big NO-NO. Many people in the faith I was raised in ascribe to a statement given to young wives by EGW that says it is sinful to deliberately stir up passion in the husband. She refers to arousal as being "lower passions", "base passions" and "inflamed animal passions". This negative attitude is very degrading to the very gift God created in us. EGW does not have much to say about 'Song of Solomon' and rightfully so- she was writing from a prudish Victorian culture. She had 4 children, so somewhere along the way she & James "connected". I cannot tell you how many tearful young wives from a similar background have confided in me that they hate sex and wish they could be married without it. I wonder how many people have lived without this enjoyment because of their prophet worship? A relative of mine reduced her husband to a desperate & frustrated man because, she was told by some health lecturer that couples are only supposed to have sex on the quarter moon. The husband died of Prostate Cancer in his early 50's. Studies show that men who have regular sexual activity have lower risk for PC.

Due to several instances of sexual abuse when I was under 16, I was absolutely terrified of my body and it's functions. Couple that with the writings of EGW and I was a real prude. I didn't date much because guys knew I wouldn't "put out"- I have no apologies about that. I was a virgin when my husband took me in marriage- as was he, but it took us 7 yrs before we were able to relax and embrace the gift of sex. We are meant for hard work, prayer AND pleasure. As Christians, it is considered honorable to work HARD. However, pleasure of any kind- is often taboo. Here are reasons why I believe God ordains healthy sexuality:

1.) The Skin- This is the biggest sensory organ of your body. We have billions of tiny little sensory receptors in the skin- it is meant to be touched and responds favorably to warmth. There are certain areas on the body referred to as errogenous zones. When these areas are stimulated, a sexual response occurs. These zones vary in all people, but common places are the lips, neck, chest, ears, wrist, inside of the upper arm, buttocks and inner thighs. A light touch to these areas can causes an enhanced awareness and an increase in blood flow to the genitals. Now, this is a natural response and not something for which to feel ashamed. Why would God design the skin in such a way if it were never to experience the pleasure of being touched? Babies in Neonatal Intensive Care Units have better survival rates when they are touched. As infants & toddlers we are held, kissed, cuddled and everyone is fine with that. However, there is an understood NO TOUCH policy for the age range of about 8 up. Parents stop touching & holding their children because they are too big to hold in the lap and for fear of being accused of molestation. This is a very confusing time for the young person who is awkward and insecure about his/her body. They need the affirmation of healthy touch- yet they are deprived. Many people in this age group rarely receive hugs, kisses or even pats on the back regularly. Is it any wonder they turn to boyfriends & girlfriends to fulfill their need for touch? WAKE UP parents and don't starve your teens for touch- they may act like they don't need it, but they do. The elderly also suffer- especially if they live away from family or have lost a spouse. Dr's actually recommend they have a small pet to care for- not only to keep them company, but to lay in their lap.

2.) Endorphins- When a couple engages in healthy sexual behavior and an orgasm is achieved, there are many benefits. Natural stress-relieving hormones called 'Endorphins' are released. These cause feelings of happiness, contentment, relaxation, sleepyness and security. Blood pressure is lowered and tension dissipates. There is no better feeling than falling asleep in the arms of your lover after intercourse.

3.) Most all of the biggies mentioned in the Bible were sexually active. Jacob, Abraham, David & Solomon even had more than one wife (gasp) and many children. Now I'm not reccomending more than one spouse here, but history shows these guys fully embraced their sexuality. Solomon and one of his wives actually write a book about their love life together. To our knowledge, New Testament writer, Paul was celibate as was Elijah, and mighty Daniel was likely a eunoch. (altered male- poor guy) However, Paul wholeheartedly endorses married couples to engage in regular doses of intercourse- only abstaining for short periods of time and with mutual consent.

I developed earlier than many of my peers- which brought a lot of uninvited "attention" and harassment. I felt embarassed and ashamed of my body most of my life- even starving myself and throwing up for many years to reduce the curviness of my shape. The uglier I looked, the safer and more "holy" I felt. Only in the past 5 yrs have I begun to accept myself & feel beautiful. (PS. Feeling beautiful starts on the inside) People have noticed that I seem more confidant. I do not have the words to adequately describe the awakening I am undergoing, but I feel like I am finally coming alive in so many ways. This is God's gift to me and it's amazing and terrifying at the same time. I'm no sexpert, but here's a little tongue-in-cheek Trailady advice to enhance sexuality- for what it's worth:

Wives, we shouldn't think for a moment that we can wear frumpy clothes and let ourselves go and still keep our men happy. Men are very visual, they are designed to appreciate beauty- why set him up to be lusting after other women? Taking care of ourselves and fixing up a little to enhance our assets is no sin. It shows that we value ourselves and our relationships. Long flannel nightgowns and shapeless jumper dresses- though comfortable are nothing to look at. Limp hair and pasty pale complexions are not attractive on anyone. Your smile is likely your most attactive feature. Whining, nagging and yelling are real turn-offs- men would rather work long hours at the office or go eat with the guys than come home to a grouch. If we act like sex is a chore- just another marital obligation our men feel rejected and unappreciated- whether they voice it or not. You see, God gave men a desire to make us feel good and we shouldn't deprive them of that. Make his favorite foods, learn to do things he enjoys, give him some genuine compliments and hang out with him as a friend- you might be amazed at his response. Cry on his shoulder once in a while, it makes him feel strong.

Husbands, don't think for a moment that you are justified in letting yourselves go either. Women like something good to look at too. A healthy relationship means being relaxed around each other but not GROSS. Just because she married you doesn't mean you can be rude & disgusting. She is your princess- if you treat her like that, romancing her, she will be more inclined to remain so. Women have a stronger sense of smell. To maximize attraction, bathe regularly, smell sweet, wash your hands before you touch her, keep breath sweet. Don't fart, pick your nose, stink up the bathroom while she's doing her hair, dig at your feet, crotch or rear end around her. She really doesn't want to share these unpleasantries with you! Help her out around the house, put the seat down and show an interest in her outside the bedroom. If you're trying to get her in the mood, watch your P's & Q's in this regard. Don't dive right in and grab her- take your time. Rub her shoulders, kiss her neck, whisper in her ear, play with her hair- talk to her. Women love to converse- great conversation is good foreplay! If she's had a bad day and she's really not in the mood, respect that and try some other time. If you want her to dress nice and look sharp, you should do the same for her. Don't hold a double standard, expecting her to be a fit little beauty queen for you while your gut unapologetically hangs over your belt. (Women carry the babies- what's your excuse?) When she's scared, hurt or sad, take her in your big strong arms and be her shelter. She will reward you well...

Be patient with one another. Sex is like fine art- takes a lot of time, work and creativity, but it's worth it.
There are foods that are bad for you, but you don't stop eating. Sex can be abused, but that doesn't mean we must avoid it. Reclaim it! Believers it is okay to embrace our sexuality to invest ourselves emotionally, spiritually AND physically in our spouses. Have fun! ;o)

Good Ol' Fashioned Business!

2006-11-29T08:34:00.000-05:00

For 3 years of my early life we lived in the small midwestern town of Holiday, Missouri. Population was 133- including Mama, my brother Will and I. After living near the east coast, it was like stepping back in time. Things moved more slowly. People had that friendly, hospitable spirit. Our town had a small rural school grades 1-8, 4 churches, Callison's Feed Store and Harry Smith's Gas & Grocery. People there still gathered for 8th grade graduations and school talent shows. There was a population of about 30 kids ages 16 & under who could ride bikes and run around without fear of being kidnapped by some crazy pervert.

There were lots of stay-home Moms in Holiday who looked out their windows from time to time just to make sure we weren't getting into trouble. There were lots of things I loved about living in a small town. My teachers and neighbors were wonderful! I remember the sound of the old trains passing through twice a day, their whistles sounding like watchmen saying, "All is well". The highlight of the town was Harry Smith's store. You see, he had a big glass counter under which he kept all manner of treats. I can still picture Harry in my mind, snowy-white hair combed-over, black military issue glasses, baggy overalls and steel-toe boots. When you stepped inside his little shop, you were greeted by the smell of beef-jerky and sweet pipe. He loved children and did business the old fashioned way. Harry trusted people and cared more about them than about making a buck. I know he probably didn't make much profit on his business, but everyone adored him. Occasionally, we would get enough snow for him to get his old mare and bobsled out and he would come around on Sunday afternoons after church giving rides. It was wonderful! Harry was a small man, barely over 5 feet tall, but to us he was a giant of a man with a heart of gold! His associate/clerk's name was Roy Snodgrass. (Boy- did we have fun with that!) Roy was also a kind man who allowed us to laugh WITH him about his name. Roy would slip extra candy into our little paper sacks every other time we bought something. He would occasionally give us free soda in the summer time just for stopping in to say "howdy". I remember we were low on food more than once. I would go over to Harry's before Mama got paid and walk out with Hamburger buns, milk, eggs, pancake & cornbread mix, beans and butter, because he knew our word was good. He kept a little yellow paper tablet behind the counter and would write our names on it and what we owed. There were several times that Mama sent me over- money in hand to pay our debt and he would look at his tablet, wink at me and say, "Well, I can't find your name on my list here- just call it even". God bless him!! Harry and Roy are both gone now. Their little store no longer has a gas pump because of new regulations. The door was opened when we visited several years ago, but there was no candy counter and the building was run down. The grocery part of the store was empty, except for some pop machines, pool tables and pinball machines. There were calendars of naked women on the wall and a bunch of men sitting around smoking. I was sorry I even bothered to stop by- so different, it made me sad.

In days gone by, a person wearing a change belt would run out to pump your gas and wash your windshield- yes, I'm old enough to remember that- it was dying out when I was a kid. If you pumped the fuel yourself, you paid AFTER you filled up. Waiters and waitresses would look you in the eye and chit-chat a little to earn their tips- they didn't just EXPECT you to tip because they brought food and set it before you.
This past week, I've come to realize that I really miss doing business the old fashioned way. There is something special about someone recognizing you when you walk through the door, greeting you by name and giving you their trust. So many people today are dishonest, many proprietors feel they can trust no one. It's a crying shame. You can hardly write a check anywhere these days because of so many bouncers who are either completely bad with Math, too lazy to check their account or just plain dishonest.

I have found 2 places locally where business is still done on the honor system. The local feed store and Cici's pizza. The feed store allows handshake credit for return customers. I was on break from the YMCA one afternoon and quite hungry. I was meeting my family at Cici's pizza buffet. (They are the best thing going for a family- all you can eat for $4.99 pr. adult and as little as 2.99 pr. child. Great pizza too AND they'll custom make you any kind of pizza you want.) Anyway, I walked into Cici's ahead of my family who were running late-as-usual. I had no cash on me- my break was slipping away while I sat in the foyer waiting for my family. The manager saw me stressing there, asked if he could help me, then when I told him I was on break but had to wait on my family, he said, "I've seen you guys here several times. Please, go ahead and get your food- your husband can just pay for you when he gets here". I felt warm inside- feels good to be treated like a human being! They will have our business for years to come because of that one simple act of trust and kindness.

I've noticed while working Customer Service at the YMCA, people are thrilled when we remember their names & faces. Often, we will wave our regulars on by without making them check in. They really like it when we do that- makes them feel special. It used to be- the customer was valued, their complaints were patiently heard and you worked hard to make things right and keep them happy. Every so often I pay Harry's kindness forward and give free punches on fitness cards or extra credit toward the free t-shirts. (Shhhh, don't tell anyone) It makes me feel good inside and the customer feels valued. Harry knew that if you invest a little in your clients, they will invest a lot in your business. There is something really great about business the ol' fashioned way and I wish there was more of it...

Access Denied?

2006-11-26T15:24:00.000-05:00

"Behold an angel of God stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone all around them, and they were terrified. And the angel said, "Do not be afraid, for I bring unto you Good News of great joy that is to be for ALL people. For there is born unto you this day in the city of David a Savior who is Christ, the Lord.... Suddenly there was a great host of angels praising God and singing, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, goodwill toward ALL mankind.." Luke 2:9-14

As I was reading this seasonally appropriate passage, it really struck me. There is a 3 letter word that has changed my life-view forever. A-L-L. I've seen this word before. Jesus said, "If I be lifted up from the earth, I will draw ALL men unto Me". The Good News of great joy- the Messiah was born to be the sacrifice for the sins of all ethnic groups and genders. This Message was not well received by those who had attained "perfection" and felt they pleased God by keeping a list of rules. The Good News of Salvation was and is for everyone- all people- whosoever will believe and receive it.

I'm forced to ask myself "Have I handled this Good News as God would want me to?" Admittedly, I'm a recovering Pharisee. You see, there was a time when I was quite narrow- wanted everything to be a certain way. The music and sermons, the company and food all had to suit my tastes. My very life showed that I preferred the Kingdom of Heaven to be a members-only, high-society club for shiny, happy, flawless people. But if I had my way, what hope then would remain for the poor, the outcasts, the slave, the abused, abandoned, neglected and sorrowful? Who would lift the helpless and brokenhearted?? The church signs mentioned in my previous post bottle Christianity up in a neat, tidy little package meant only for a select few who join the club. They do not represent Good News, but condemnation. I'm sure any one of the churches who posted the offending signs would say, "We certainly welcome anyone who enters our doors". But do they really??
Over the course of the next year, I have determined to visit several regional churches in disguise and see how I am received. I will go as a whore, a dirty homeless woman, perhaps a drunk or an uneducated hillbilly with bad teeth, an Aids victim, etc. I will not be disruptive in any way to their services, but I am curious to see how I will be received. I will write a report on each church I visit and how it goes... You see, I find that being greeted cheerfully by the appointed greeter(s) on duty and being welcomed are two different things in churchland.

In the New Testament, several scenarios are presented in order to paint a clearer picture of what God expects from those who claim to be His:

Scenario 1:
Scripture says that "good, Christian" people will come to Jesus expecting to gain entrance to Heaven. Jesus will then say, "I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was naked and you did not clothe me, and in prison but you did not visit Me." Then they will say, "But Lord, when did we ever see You like this and not help You?" To which He replies, "Whatsoever you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto Me".
I once read this passage thinking only of literal food, water, clothing for the poor and visits to the state Penitentiary. Most Christians have performed these charitable acts at one time or another. However, looking through my new spiritual glasses, I see that Jesus is actually saying something even more profound here... He is actually showing them how they failed to proclaim the Good News in their everyday lives. You see, for the hungry, Jesus is the Bread of Life, for the thirsty, Jesus is the Living Water, for those who are spiritually naked, He offers a robe of righteousness and the many who are imprisoned by their sins- are to be cared for.

Another passage that confirms my view on this is the commission Jesus gives to Peter. He (Jesus) says, "Peter, do you love Me?" Peter says, "Yes, Lord, You know I love You." Jesus says, "Feed my sheep". Now in scripture- anytime something is repeated, it is for emphasis. Jesus asks Peter this question and gives the commission, not once, but 3 times. Was He literally talking about sheep? No, He meant people. Was He talking about literal food? No, He meant feed their spirits with the Bread of Life- the Good News!

Scenario 2:
Again, people are wanting to join in the great wedding feast of the Lamb. They come before the Lord and say, "Allow us entrance for we have done wonderful works and have even cast out demons in Your name." Jesus will then say to them, "Go away from me, for I never knew you". Why? Because, they are coming with pride, expecting their good works to get them in the door. Christ saying, "I never knew you" is a literal statement. These people were so busy out-performing each other that they didn't actually get to know Jesus. They come to the door as strangers expecting to gain access based upon their own merit- not His.

Throughout scripture, I do not see access being denied or rebukes being given to those who are admittedly sinners in need of a Savior. Jesus consistantly rebukes those who are self-decieved and think they are better than others. Apparently, there is more danger in saying we are good, than there is in confessing we are sinners.
However, be careful who you confess to. Most churches are little more than clubhouses for self-congratulators. Confess any real (taboo) sins, and you just might find them a little less-than-friendly. However, people who mean well, but deny access to the Good News, keeping it from those deemed less-than-desirable, will find themselves barred from Heaven. A very serious thought...

Re-thinking The Signs...

2006-11-22T13:11:00.000-05:00

Every other time I pass certain churches in my area, the signs out front have some foreboding messages on them. Used to be I would have nodded my head in agreement with all of the statements without thinking them through, but these days I'm in the groove of examining what I believe and why. I'm still learning & growing, but I'm actually somewhat disturbed at some of the signs I've seen. I have listed some of them below and explain why I differ in thought from them:

1) "Jesus is Coming! Get Right or Get Left Behind!!"

This is the same tactic used car salesmen use "Buy now, before it's too late". God does not want a hasty or half-hearted decision. I DO believe in the soon return of Jesus Christ, however, how exactly do I "get right"? Well, if you ask any of the members of the local 'True Church of God- Pentecostal' who sponsored the sign, they would tell me that I must speak in tongues, keep my hair long, never wear a stitch of make-up, show up for every service, never wear jewelry and my man must grow a beard. I have sat through their chaotic meetings- the speaker shouts fire & brimstone into the microphone until he has no voice left by which to speak. I have seen them babbling & trembling while the women jump around exposing their panties to everyone. During their prayer meetings they come together to "tisk-tisk" about their lost family members and shake their heads about the world and all it's failings. If this is what blesses them- more power to them, but is this what it means to "get right"? My Bible tells me that salvation isn't based on my day to day performance- it's based on the steadfast righteousness of Christ. This sign makes it all about US and what WE do.

2) "Where do you choose to spend eternity? Smoking or non-smoking??"

I've actually seen this on more than one church sign. This saying is offensive to me simply because it trivializes the destinations of Heaven & Hell. The ones who came up with it no doubt thought they were quite clever, but it rubs me the wrong way- as I'm sure it does many others. The question of eternity is not as casual as asking someone where they would like to sit. Also making a decision for Christ is not as easy as just deciding in which section they would like to dine. This is a life and an eternity we're talking here. For many, choosing to follow Jesus could mean the loss of a spouse, a job or even to be shunned by family. This should not be treated so lightly. This sign uses a little tinge of fear tactic. For one, I don't believe in an eternally burning Hell. I do not believe a loving, merciful God will burn people forever for the sins of one short lifetime and delight in their torment. It is the worst fear tactic ever and God does not draw by fear but by loving-kindness.

3) "To belong to Christ, you must be faithful to Him every moment and in every situation"

This one really SCREAMS legalism! Who among us are faithful every moment and in every situation?? This holds an impossibly high standard over people's heads. Don't know about you, but I fail and misrepresent my Lord on a daily basis. Saddest thing is those who posted this sign obviously believe they have reached such a level in their religious experience so that they can post this for everyone else. Scripture tells me I belong to Jesus Christ because He purchased me with His righteous blood. Where in the Bible is the text that says in order to be His, we must be sinless??

4) "The Seventh-day is the Sabbath, for the Lord thy God never changed it"

This is a very argumentative statement to put on a church sign in the middle of the Sunday-keeping Bible belt. It reeks of arrogance and is confrontational to the Sunday church just across the street. More flies are won to honey than to vinegar. Sabbath is more than just a day. Jesus is LORD of the Sabbath. Because of His work to save us on the Cross He IS my Sabbath rest. I am no longer striving- He has won the battle for me. The fight of faith Paul speaks of is not that of gritting our teeth to be perfect in the flesh. The real fight of faith is believing everyday that God is big enough to forgive, cleanse & save me. It means clinging to the rest His sacrifice gave me. Jesus didn't change the Law- He fulfilled it. Maybe we need to examine what that means on a little deeper level instead of always taking it at face value and being teachers of the law? I'm totally okay with people worshipping on the Seventh-day, but unless we begin to glorify Christ as Lord and Savior- of what benefit is it?

5) "Born American- Baptist by choice- Thank God!"

Saw this interesting sign around July 4, it so humbly says, "We Baptist are the best there ever was, don't you wish you could be one too?"

6) "The mice play while the cat's away, but Azlan the Lion is returning soon. Vengeance is mine sayeth The Lord!"

How poetic. Doesn't that just make you feel all warm & fuzzy inside? It was SO inspiring I felt impressed to pull over, read my Bible, pray and confess my every fault that very instant. (Okay, I apologize for the sarcasm, but this is a laughable sign.) This one was posted around the time the 'Narnia' film was released.

7) "There IS a lake of fire- it's very real. Come on in and find out how to avoid it"

This one clearly says, "Be afraid, be very, very scared. God can hardly wait to throw you into Hell, but because we're such nice people, we'll do you a favor and tell you the secret formula for talking Him out of it."

8) "The day is coming when sinners will tremble at the wrath of an angry God."

Wow- isn't that inspiring? Is this something we are supposed to be happy about?

9) "Save America from Aids and the Gay Movement. God hates fags."

Okay, this one really leaves me wondering why we don't post "God hates liars", "God hates gossips", "God hates hypocrites" or "God hates gluttons"? These are also listed as behaviors that God disapproves of- it seems homosexuality is the "biggie" that gets picked on. I do not support the gay lifestyle, but neither do I support the anti-gay hate movements. Truth is, God doesn't hate anyone. He hates sin. Why? Because it breaks us down and leaves us empty. Pastor Fred Phelps pickets the funerals of homosexuals who have died of aids. He and his hatemongers hold anti-gay signs and taunt the family & friends of the deceased. I've seen footage of him shouting horrible things- telling mourners the one they loved is now being tormented in Hell. I must ask, is THIS what Jesus would do?? Where in scripture do we find Christ harassing people like this? Don't think so! If we're going to post signs like the one above, perhaps we should also consider: "Save America from fast food. God hates cholesterol." (Heart disease & high cholesterol kill more people than Aids does).

*Best church sign I ever saw was along highway 81 South to Florida. It had a bright picture of the cross with Jesus hanging limp upon it- arms outstretched and it read,

"The offer still stands"

No statement about which church is the truest & best, no suggestions as to how we should vote, no condemnatory or fear-based theology, just a simple invitation... the older I get, the more simple things appeal to me...

Two great signs for the Lutheran church, "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us"

"Christ did not come into the world to condemn the world, but that the world, through Him might be saved."

Fellow Christians, we have played church for generations and many have yet to fully embrace the incredible love & mercy of God! Long have we feared and misunderstood Him. Long have we lived in denial of our own pride and sinfulness. We've been so busy trying NOT to sin, that we've not focused enough on how to show genuine kindness. We avoid negative actions- they are dispicable to us, but in holding such a focus, we often fail to perform positive actions. We will not have patience with the weak, the slow to understand and reach those who have fallen, until we understand that we are no better. How often we misrepresent Christ in the ways we condemn. I'd love to see more positive church signs. Better yet, I'd like to meet more positive church people...

Thanks!

2006-11-21T14:26:00.000-05:00

I soooo enjoy Thanksgiving. This time of year is my favorite! Wish I could list a long, long string of things I'm thankful for, but this year really wrung us out. The few things I am grateful for are biggies though, so that counts for a lot. Life would be better right now if we could have some SNOW!! I really miss white winters!!!

Blessings for 2006:

1) My man & I are still together. Each year of marriage is an education, a gift and a miracle from God.
2) I have awesome kids! Their hugs, laughter and artwork keep me going when life is awful.
3) My dogs light up my life. Crazy about these canine friends who love me unconditionally.
4) I'm thankful for blogging! Just started out this past year and I'm completely addicted! As hard as 2006 has been on us, financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically, I don't know how I ever would have made it through without this sounding board where I can express my thoughts, memories and spiritual journey. Thank you to those who read & respond.

God Bless You All and Enjoy Your Holiday!!

Things I've Learned in Tennessee ;o)

2006-11-20T10:25:00.000-05:00

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
There's a whole lot of stray cats in this state and most of them's black & white.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and twiced are words.
It's not a shopping cart; It's a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.
Fresh roadkill makes for good eatin'
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is a word.
There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Ice tea/Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals.
Backards and forards means "I know everything about you."
Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You know you're from Tennessee if:

You measure distance in minutes.
"...your favorite shirt is orange cause you can wear it to the game on Saturday, huntin' on Sunday, & to work for the highway dept. on Monday and never have to change!"
You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" two or more times in 24 hrs.
You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixin' to go to tha store "
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a "DAWG" is.
You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
You only own five seasonings: salt, sugar, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".
You know there are only two seasons: Winter and Construction
You know whether another Tennessean is from east, middle, or west
Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Wal-Martin" or Goin' to "Wally World".
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good soup-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: A waitress will ask you "What kinda coke ya want?"
You know what cowtippin' and snipe huntin' are.
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no stinkin' Driver's Ed....if mama says we can drive, we can drive.

According to the locals not EVERYONE can be a Tennessean, it's an art form and a gift from God!

Very Funny- NOT!!!!!

2006-11-19T22:48:00.000-05:00

I was talked into seeing 'Borat'. Someone paid my way and offered me a ride- I went along thinking I was going to see a legitimate, but comical human-interest documentary made by a man from the Middle East. (I am interested in Middle-eastern culture- thought it would be interesting.) Turns out the joke is on me. I wasted an hour and a half of my time watching a bunch of ignorant garbage produced by some off-color British comedian. Yes, bits of it were funny, but most of it was just plain disgusting!

Now understand, I am pretty down to earth & have a healthy sense of humor. I'm known for pulling pranks and doing the occasional joke on someone- I love to laugh, but this film was just WAY out of line in my opinion. I should have walked out, but kept bearing with it thinking "This is going to get better and have a legitimate point- no movie can be this pointless" but I was wrong. Sacha Cohen has made this film on the sly- apparently many of the people appearing in it had no idea they were even going to be in a movie and are now sueing. I sat embarassed with my eyes covered for much of the film. I was not the only one in the audience who was shocked by the outright disrespect. There is nothing funny about incest, rape or sodomy. Crude and insensitive- upon learning that his wife has been mauled to death by a bear, Borat gives the messenger a high-5. Am I supposed to laugh while some wannabe comedian makes fun of our National Anthem?? The film is an outright insult to people of the Middle East- 'Borat' makes them out to be ignorant, uneducated, immoral and incestuous people. I'm surprised there hasn't been an outcry from the Muslim community over this! Nobody is safe from the tauntings of Mr. Cohen.

He is extremely disrespectful to the United States and crass toward the female gender. There are many cruel and repulsive stereo-types in the film. Some incredibly offensive things about Jews, the mentally impaired and black women are portrayed as being whores. The US isn't perfect, but we certainly aren't all a bunch of racist, perverts, sexists or religious fanatics. 'Borat' makes a circus out of our way of life and we are supposed to pay money to watch him do that? NO THANKS!! My advice? Save yourself some indigestion and pass on seeing this nasty film.

Finding Middle Ground...

2006-11-19T11:45:00.000-05:00

As I continue to journey forward, I am excited to find there is revival riding on the wind. I'm hearing it more and more- 'Christ and Him Crucified' and see the amazing results upon the hearts and congregations of those who embrace it. The message is one of rest & gladness- it's not a new idea, rather an old, long neglected message.
Churches are now faced with a choice, to enter God's rest or reject the merits of Jesus Christ, clinging desperately to human obedience & standards- which are frail at best- to earn us favor with God. Many suppose they will march up to the pearly gates present a badge representing their denominational affiliation, church attendance card and resume' of an obedient, sacrificial life, thereby gaining admittance to the kingdom. However, the Kingdom seeks it's members TODAY- not in some future time. The Kingdom message is an undercurrent that builds, balances and assures the soul. It brings us out of the ditches and onto the middle ground.

There are two ditches and I've journeyed in both ruts:

1) I can do whatever I want, whenever I feel like it. If there is a God, He doesn't care what I do or how I live so I will gratify every whim. I can damage my body and destroy relationships any way I see fit- as long as I get what I want out of life.

The other extreme says:

2) I will be the strictest, most upright person I can be. I will keep 10 Commandments and numerous other lifestyle restrictions and teach others to do so- especially emphasizing the 4th Command. I will emphasize prophecy and present my church as having superior truths to any other. Any enjoyment I find in this life must be somehow displeasing to God, so I will sacrifice any & every pleasurable thing. I will be wary of forming relationship with anyone who does not think like me for fear of spiritual contamination. I will study and revere EGW as my prophet and make her the example to follow. I will hold her writings as equal in value to the Bible and will pick and choose quotes to use and go around correcting others with her words. I will protect my distinct church culture at all cost and by any means necessary.

BOTH sides are extremely self-focused and neither comprehend the great Love of God. There is a middle ground- a healthy balance. Those resting in Christ and making Him their focus and security will learn how to love. We are only awakened from a lukewarm, Laodicean state by the passionate love of Christ- which warms the heart. By beholding Him, we will be changed into His likeness. According to Corinthians, "Love is not self-seeking, it is not puffed up or conceited, it is not arrogant or rude... It is patient, kind, forgiving, it takes no delight in pointing out wrongs..." Those in the middle ground know their sins are forgiven and can rest in the merits of Jesus. This makes them more relaxed and pleasant to be around because they are no longer under a constant burden of striving for perfection. They are more understanding and accepting of others because they have a realistic view of where they stand before God. These people are attractive because they are humble and do not pride themselves in being the "last remaining guardians of truth". They know how to love and don't hold back in offering help to those in need. They realize it's not a sin to enjoy some material pleasures, but that putting their own wants above the needs of others is neglecting Christian duty. Those in the middle ground have seen the depth of their own sinfulness, they have been broken and realize their great need of a Savior, but they do not wallow in despair. They fully embrace the victory for what Christ has done for them and move forward in faith.

Things are becoming clearer to me in regards to my beliefs. Des Ford once summed it up like this:

False religion majors in law and minors in love.
True religion majors in love and minors in law.

The first majors in what God requires of us.
The second majors in what God has done for us.

One religion puts all stress on Christ as the example to measure up to.
The other puts emphasizes Christ as our substitute and representative.

One is a religion that leads to bondage, despair and death.
The other is a religion that leads to joy, freedom, salvation and life eternal.

Scripture says that we were all born into sin without asking for it- that we inherited a sinful nature. The evil serpent has bitten us all. But the Gospel teaches that we have all been saved by the atoning work of Jesus Christ our Lord who said, "If I be lifted up, I will draw all men unto Me." . See 2 Corinthians 5:14-21. Romans 5:10, Romans 5:18-19.The Good News is that our sins were crucified with Christ- nailed to His cross. Therefore, the Old Covenant Law has no more power to condemn us than to condemn Christ. The moment we believe, Christ's own perfect robe of righteousness is laid upon us and remains ours for all our days- if we continue to look to Him, despite a hundred or a thousand failures on our part.

I think back to the story of the serpents in the wilderness. A host of vipers came into the camp of Israel, biting everyone. All the dying Israelites had to do was look upon the metal serpant Moses held upon the pole and they would be saved. Many failed to perform this simple act of faith and perished because it wasn't scientific or theologically complex enough for them. Are we any different today? To look to Christ and live seems so simple- many feel it is below them. They would rather work hard and perish than accept a free gift. At all stages of our experience we are saved by faith alone, though the faith that saves is never alone. We are not saved by faith PLUS works but by a faith THAT works. This kind of faith does not come from man, but from the Holy Spirit's indwelling.

For the whole piture compare: Galatians 5:6; Galatians 6:15 and 1 Corinthians 7:19. Even on Judgment Day we will be saved by faith alone- though our actions will testify to the reality of that faith despite our own infinite imperfections.

Come to the middle ground and rest. Look upon the Savior and live. Taste and see that The Lord is good!

A Sensitive Soul...

2006-11-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

The same open-hearted nature that allows me to share my deepest feelings and convictions, also renders me extremely vulnerable to tears at times. Today, I had a hard cry. It was cleansing- felt very good- after the fact. I'm cold inside, but trying to let go of so many hurts. The absence of any real relationship with either of my birth parents... the strained connections with my siblings... the flash-memories of assault... the canyon that I often feel stands between my man & I... the pain of false accusation and mistreatment on the part of the church... the dying hope that any of my/our dreams will ever come true. I laid alone in my bed today and let the hurt come pouring out. Eventually Jay noticed I was not around and came in to see what was wrong. He listened. Didn't say much, but that's what I love about him when I'm hurting. I don't need people to tell me what to think, how to feel or how to fix the problem. I simply need someone to hear me. I figure things out on my own eventually.

I am strangely predictable, yet a mystery. I cannot describe the heart in me- except to say that it is largely comprised of scar tissue from many wounds. I am tired of struggle. Ready to find my joy again. I don't like the role of being needy. I like to be the strong one who helps others. When, oh when will that day come again? I told my husband that I understand why people do crazy things when they are hurting. Life has a way of making us numb inside. I want to feel alive again. Sometimes when people are desperate they do foolish things in hopes that they can feel- something- anything but cold. I think God understands this. Not excusing bad behavior, but He knows why we do the things we do and offers forgiveness when, in a blind frenzy we mess up.

Not sure where I fit in this life or what my purpose is. Perhaps this is my early mid-life crisis? LOL Jay let me know this past week that although he appreciates my earnings, he prefers me to be at home instead of working. (Actually, I like earning money, but I prefer staying home too. It suits my nature to be here for my family. There is simply too much nonsense to deal with out there and a weary mind cannot handle the stress and all the stupid headgames.) Here's hoping he can find a job that pays enough for me to stay home... then I can get back to what I love most- spending time with my family & critters and writing poems, stories, articles and songs.
No luck so far. We've had several showings of our house now, but no offers. There is one idea that sits on the back-burner of our minds and if nothing else works out for us here, we may pursue it. We'll see...

An Invitation...

2006-11-15T11:46:00.000-05:00

Come, my love and weave with me
a blanket of security
let it rest heavily upon my shoulders
so that I can feel it's warmth
Long has been the starless night
the rains have fallen far too often
Innocence was buried in this red clay
A time of refreshing must come

You have promised many things
so young were we when vows were made
there have been many empty words
failed intentions on your part and mine
Don't make anymore apologies or promises
take me somewhere we can live and breathe
Give me the gift of your words, your time
What is there to fear?

Inside I am a lonely child
filled with pain, but hoping still
Wrap me in your love
whispering secrets in my ear
Share with me the simple marvels of life
let me hear the sound of your laughter
Shake the numbness of your soul
Our days are not meant to be dull

Lead and I will follow you
I want you to be strong
Stand up to the raging wind
Spread your mantle over me
Unlock the treasures of my heart
For there are many I would share
Bask in the warmth of my embrace
Be the man I know you can be.

Take some chances
Pursue our dreams
Be rugged and enduring
Don't hold back
Life will not wait for us
The years are passing by
I know there is a place for us
Under a big, blue sky...

A Simple Life...

2006-11-14T15:10:00.000-05:00

The longer I live, the more I delight in quiet times and simple things. Oh, I go through phases where I want the big house with the grand piano, the loaded truck, the fancy vacations, but underneath all that whimsical tendancy, what I most enjoy is hiking in the mountains, spending time working with my critters, enjoying a good fire and sitting down to eat with the ones I love.

I have heard too many people in recent years dying with regrets. Most of them were not regrets of wishing for some material things they never got to own. No, the longings were for lost relationships or for loves never known. I do not so much crave things as I crave experiences. I want to make good memories with my kids. I want time to laugh and cuddle again. Yes, I will probably have to work from here on out, but if I could put in half the hours I'm doing now, that would be great. Full-time work is too much to handle and still be a person with enough energy left over to do my household chores and enjoy my family.
Honestly, as stressed as we've been the past 3 years, the tension's been heavy in this house more often than I care to admit. I am now a part of the rat race. Working more than living, really- always in a rush. I have writer's block poetically and musically. In order to write, I must have time to feel, to contemplate things and put my thoughts together. I must be inspired by my surroundings. Right now, there is very little time for that.

I remember a man & his common-law wife whom we be-friended when I was a girl. Dad was always gone trucking, so Mother was lonely and would try and connect with someone- anyone in order to feel human. Bucky & Shonee took us in as friends. They lived a very simple life. He was a burned-out Vietnam vet who looked Scandanavian. She was a Native American woman- beautiful too! She still did things the traditional way. They had a smokehouse and she tanned deerhides. They lived in a little cabin on our mountain. They didn't have a phone, so when we wanted to visit, we would just drive over and they would always invite us in. We sat on log furniture that he had made. Their house smelled of sweet-pipe, leather, coffee and woodstove. They had a dog that looked half wolf and laid by the fire. He was not a friendly dog, but not unfriendly either. He would simply lay his head on his paws and doze. I was still very young when we knew these people, but I remember the cozy feeling of acceptance I had while sitting at their fire eating popcorn and listening to Bucky's wild hunting and war stories. Shonee was quiet- always busy with something and loved to serve. Her dark eyes were shiny and I envied her looks. To me, she was like a deer. Bucky had rigged up 4 big timber posts in the bedroom and had their bed hanging from it. You had to climb steps to get into the swinging bed- which my brother & I enjoyed sitting in. They used to bring us firewood every so often.

We were really strict religious at the time. Had to keep it secret that we visited Bucky & Shonee, but when they offered my Mom coffee, she would gladly accept. For some reason, the church frowns on spending time with non-believers- unless you are actively giving a Bible study. Phooey on that, I say!! To be a Christian doesn't mean we no longer have the disease called "sin", it merely puts us in remission. We need not fear contamination from "sinners", for we ourselves are yet sinners. Okay- so let's not fool ourselves- we still mess up on a daily basis. The difference is that when we make mistakes, we have the hope of being forgiven. To mingle with people of other backgrounds & persuasions is healthy and stimulating to the mind & spirit.

Anyway, I often think back to my 7th year of life. It was the first and last time that I ever felt secure. Bucky & Shonee eventually relocated farther down the mountain where they raised Llama's for wool- which Shonee spun into thread and knit into hats, gloves and sweaters to sell. After that, my parents split and we moved to MO with our Mom. I don't know what ever happened to them... they were their own people- nobody owned them. A dying breed of rugged, independant survivors.

Today, we really are kinda wimpy. We rely on grocery stores for most of our food, power companies for heat & lights, and the entertainment industry for enjoyment. We pay out the nose for this stuff- which means we have to work harder just to keep up! It's easier in some ways, I suppose, but perhaps this is our loss. Why not work hard and be more independant? There's a pride that comes from bringing in your own food, gathering wood for heat, sitting around in the flickering glow of lanterns & firelight and making real life memories. People criticized Bucky for his backward ways, and my Grandpa Campbell was misunderstood for never "getting modern", but nobody owned them and they weren't begging help from anyone. They lived debt free and fed themselves. Grandpa delighted in raising stock, growing things, feeding hummingbirds and listening to the frogs croak from his lawn chair in the cool of the evening. There is more of him in me than I formerly recognized... I just want to live a simple life.

Goings On In My World...

2006-11-13T15:55:00.000-05:00

I haven't given an update recently, so here's the latest:

Had another fun singing trip last weekend. There won't be another MofM trip for a while. We had a nice time! I love to do public speaking. Instead of introducing songs, I have been moved to closing out our concerts with a short talk. This is very rewarding for me as I love to share about the love of God for sinners and what Jesus has done for us.
More and more, I am meeting former legalists who want to share their stories with me. Met a man this weekend who, just a few years ago felt the need to bring up the wedding ring issue to me after an MofM concert. (I listened politely as he had shared his views with me, but inside I had that nauseaus "get me out of here" feeling.) Well, he showed up to our concert this past weekend and was eager to tell me he has found grace. He no longer feels the need to go around correcting people and setting their theology straight. I was very touched that he would humble himself in this way and share the changes in his life with me. I am finding more and more that when I am vulnerable and honest about my journey, if I do not hold myself up as the example to follow, then other people feel safe to open up and share their stories with me. I love to listen. Everyone has a story worth hearing!!
The Carrollton, GA church MofM visited last weekend is a case in point for the power of love. They will be the first to admit that 3 yrs ago, they were nasty, fighting, back-biting, nit-picking people. Their new Pastor- a good friend of ours came in preaching love, grace, forgiveness and tolerance. No prophecy, heavy-duty theological or argumentative sermons. (The hard-line, more controlling factions soon decided this message was just too watered down and "touchy-feely" for them, so they left and started their own church- which lasted about a year before the angry divisions among them became so deep they splintered- very sad.) But it's amazing to see and hear of the changes that have come over Carollton! They are warm, welcoming and accepting now. Many of them sat with tears in their eyes during our concert. Gone are the dead, judgemental, expressionless people that used to be there. Hearts of stone are becoming hearts of flesh and it's beautiful to behold! The Pastor and his members just kept going on and on about how wonderful the transformation has been. They have ALL kinds and all ages of people coming to their little church now. Teen mothers, Divorcees, widows, boys with piercings, former drunks, former legalists, etc. It's a place where lonely, hurting people can go to worship, find love and healing. Praise God! There is NO SUCH THING as "cheap grace"! Grace cost God the ultimate price. The love and mercy of God will be our study and celebration for eternity.

We've had 5 showings of our house. So far, no offers. We have a renter in our cottage again. This time a middle-aged, single lady. She's not an active Christian. I have NO idea how long she will stay as she says this may only be a temporary arrangement, but I think she needs love and accceptance- that's something we can give. The rent money- though meager- lifts a little of our financial burden.

The kids are all in growth spurts and WOW do they eat! Can hardly keep them fed. They are loving school. My man is very restless & distracted. I am also quite unsettled inside. We are saying, "God, here we are. Our house is up for sale, our lives are totally on the drawing board again, where do YOU want us- what do You want us to do? Give us a shove in that direction..." There is nothing more we can do, but wait. Something needs to change though- and soon! Life cannot be lived in limbo very long before insanity sets in. ;o)

The puppies are doing well. Housebreaking is coming along. They are the sweetest little things. Ember just loves to be with me. It is such a simple comfort to have an adoring pet curled in my lap. I hope perhaps someday, she will earn her Canine Good Citizen so I can take her to children's wards and nursing homes to bring joy to others as a therapy dog. The hypo-allergenic qualities of the Poodle make them ideal for this type of work. We'll see...

You wouldn't believe how many complainers call us at the YMCA. They have a problem, go on about it for 10 mins, then expect our customer service to have it resolved in ten seconds or less. I'm a sympathetic person, but there are limits to how many times you can calmly explain to someone why they owe a bounced check fee before it starts wearing on your nerves. You can tell when people are legit and want resolution and when they just want to gripe at us. This week I saw a T-shirt that cracked me up. It said, "OK, so put on your big girl panties and deal with it"! HA HA, sometimes my co-workers and I feel like saying something to that effect, but we keep smiling and trying to work things out. It's funny to imagine saying that though. LOL

Well, not much else to tell...

Tips for Tennessee Drivers...

2006-11-12T11:42:00.000-05:00

In my long career as a license-bearing driver, I have never had an accident or a ticket. (The closest I've come was a night several years ago when a new & powerful allergy medicine caused me to fall asleep at the wheel- I ended up driving in a ditch, nobody was hurt and I was able to wake up and steer out of it with barely a mark to my vehicle- Thank God.)
I've been driving in TN for 7 yrs now and here are some tongue-in-cheek observations and advice I have to offer to the drivers here in the Smoky Mountain State:

1.) Turn signals are best used well BEFORE you make your turn.
2.) Regardless of popular superstitions, you will not gain any good luck by driving with one tire on the yellow line.
3.) Turning your lights on at dusk or in a thick fog is a healthy thing- really!
4.) Before stopping to examine or scoop up roadkill deer, turkey or possum, get off the road and onto the shoulder.
5.) Be considerate. If you want to inch along while checking out the treasures of Bubba & Sissy-lou's yard sale- why not just pull in their driveway and let those of us who have somewhere to go keep driving?
6.) It is NOT illegal to drive the speed limit on Sundays.
7.) By the many puffs of blue & black smoke I have to breathe, I know that many of you pass TN emissions tests because a relative works at the testing center and lets you slide by year after year...
8.) Pick up your trash, don't make the convicts in orange vests do it- their lives are hard enough. Better yet, keep a little trash bag or small can in your car and empty in a convenient garbage bin next time you fill your tank. It's really not hard to do!
9.) Many a forest fire has been started by careless people flicking cigarette butts out the window. Why not use an ashtray instead?????? I really don't have the time to call the fire department and sit by the side of the road monitoring brush fires until they get there.
10.) Last time I checked, passing on the left is still legal in this state. Flipping me off for going the speed limit is not necessary.
11.) You REALLY WON'T get any points for swerving to hit a squirrel, a cat or a dog. (That's just a silly game someone made up)
12.) Speedbumps are supposed to mean you slow down, not speed up and go over them with a YEE-HAW just to test out your suspension!
13.) Recent scientific studies prove that slowing down to a crawl does not help you tune your radio station better, nor does it increase cell phone reception.
14.) On ramps are meant for MERGING with traffic, not stopping until the coast is clear!
15.) When giving directions, use actual street/town names and building numbers as landmarks, not big shiny rocks, or crooked Maple trees. For some reason, it's just easier to navigate that way.

Hope this is helpful, Tennesseans. Remember, when we all drive with courtesy, life is better. :o)

Saddam...

2006-11-06T07:47:00.000-05:00

One of the most powerful leaders in the Middle East has been condemned to death by hanging. Many celebrate this verdict as if we just scored a big touchdown. Saddam was a heavy-handed ruler, saddistic in many of his dealings with the people of Iraq. There was torture, murder in the night, people arrested and never heard from again, mass murders of innocent people in retaliation for an attempted assasination plot, etc. Much of this was done to Iraqis without due process. However, and this may sound very un-American of me, I'm not celebrating that this man is going to die. Yes, he made mistakes, yes, his sons were thugs, yes he was defiant, but he is a human being whose life will soon end. This man has been completely stripped of everything he loved. His country, his title, his life of ease, his sons and a future. Now, his very breath will be taken from him. Is this really something to cheer about?

Would any of us want people applauding our deaths? It's sobering for me when any person dies- no matter their crimes- can't help but think about eternity. I cannot say where Saddam's heart is, but no person is completely evil- there is some good in everyone. Saddam was once some woman's precious little boy.
Saddam made mistakes- that's for sure- don't we all? His cruelty was widely felt by the people because he rose to such power, but he is still only flesh and blood.

It is unsettling for me when any jury sentences someone to death. We often sit in judgement over the very criminals we have created through neglect and disadvantage. People can do terrible things when they are desparate for love, shelter and something to eat! Society is structured so there are winners and losers. If you are born on the wrong side of town, it's going to be difficult (not impossible) to change your station in life. Worse yet, the rich tend to get richer by walking on the poor for their own gain. (Sweat-shops in third-world countries being a prime example of this.) Saddam was born to be a leader and he abused that power. However, if we treated him with injustice- we are no better than he.

Who gave us the right to play god over other people's lives? In taking Saddam's life, are we any more just than he was? Murder is murder- whether the act is performed by a hardened criminal or an unsympathetic jury. Both processes require a certain indifference toward the life of another. Don't think for a moment that when a death sentence is decided by group decision there is no longer individual responsibility. Easy for us to say "hang 'em high", but could YOU pull the trapdoor lever? Don't think I could.

Several years ago I saw many folks standing around a prison with signs mocking Ted Bundy on the day of his execution, "Thank God it's FRY-day", "Teds eggs are about to be fried", etc. They were engaging in revelry as if preparing to watch a football game or something. Where is the compassion for the fallen ones? Can we not see beyond our own pain enough to mourn lives that have been sold into darkness?? Easy for me to say- right? Ted Bundy never brutally raped and murdered one of my daughters. True, but I pray if that ever does happen to my family, I will show mercy. Light is stronger than darkness and love more powerful than hatred.
The fact that victims are lost to men with evil intentions is truly devastating, but gives us no right to detest anyone. It is not flesh and blood we wrestle with, but spiritual powers and principalities of darkness. There are forces that seek to control the human mind. We all have a choice. We can give in to the selfishness within us, serving the voices of our lower nature, or through the power of God, we can rise above.

I suppose I wouldn't feel so unsettled about this recent verdict in the Middle East were I able to believe that Saddam got fair treatment. I'm afraid that's not the case and suspect the whole thing was a political circus act. The defense wasn't even heard or given a chance to present any valid information. I'm not saying Saddam is innocent. I believe he performed the atrocities as accused- at the very least it happened on his watch and he didn't stop it or punish the perpetrators. However, even he deserves the right to a fair trial.

The prisoners in Guantanamo Bay deserve to be treated ethically and with due process. How many young men have been held there for over 2 years without any solid evidence? Outrageous! How many mothers, wives and daughters suffer and wait for their men to come home with no hope of ever seeing them again? I love my country, but I believe the US is creating more enemies. Any man who has been held illegally or treated unethically at GITMO will be highly prone to acts of terrorism against the US in the future. Kindness, not cruelty or power wins people over.

If we allow injustice to be dealt to foriegners, it won't be long before injustice is on our own soil and more evident in our courts. Since when do we have the right to hold someone indefinitely without showing just cause? Since when do we have the right to punish prisoners before they have been convicted of a crime before a court and a jury of their peers? Since when does the media become so one-sided? Where along the way did we forget 'Innocent until PROVEN guilty'?

Awesome Weekend!

2006-11-05T12:01:00.000-05:00

Went on a singing trip with 'Message of Mercy' this weekend. The Fall colors were amazing! The trip was great. First of all, I love to connect with people and hang out with my friends. Darlene did my hair again-she has the magic touch to make my hair look like that of a princess. We talked and laughed all the way to our first engagement. (Sang at 2 different Adventist facilities) Mt. Pisgah Academy was the first, Fletcher Academy the second. Our sound was terrible Friday night, but the people seemed to enjoy us. We couldn't hear ourselves very well- always intimidating to get up in front of a bunch of teenagers who sit and talk through most of the concert. To my surprise- I met up with a good friend of mine from college, Christ Lebrun. He hasn't changed much, still the friendly guy he always was. Then after the concert I was able to meet a fellow blogger! He came up to me and said, "Hey Trailady, I'm Kev, from "What's Up with Kev". WOW! He was really nice to talk to and we had our picture taken together. Every so often, I meet up with someone from the blogosphere and it's so cool!! :o)
The message was really good that night. A young man spoke. I still hope that perhaps the younger generation of Adventists will help re-direct their church's focus to Christ instead of being so caught up in works & culture.
After the concert, we headed out to stay overnight in the home of my former Pastor in Yakima, WA. Awkward- wasn't sure how it would go, because he was our Pastor for a year before we got onto the Ultra-Conservative kick. I joined in with some very harsh criticisms of Pastor T. and his church at that time. You see, the leaders of our group called his church 'The Whore on the Hill' because of their more Contemporary worship style and open-arms approach to anyone who would come in. I now see they were on track. He knows how to love people. I apologized to him. He gave me a big hug and said, "Don't ever think about it again, I forgive you and I understand that you were in a learning process." He said if they had any idea what we were caught up in out there, they would have tried harder to reach us. Truly, life is- a journey in learning.

Saturday, we sang at the Fletcher church. It went very well- loved the sound system there! Pastor T. preached an awesome sermon about being patient in trials and resting in the love of God. AWESOME! Made me wonder how many great sermons we missed out in Yakima, because we were so busy trying to be perfect people? After first service, I saw a familiar face- our former downstairs neighbor from Texas. Ginny & her family lived below us in our first apartment. I was sad to hear that her husband left her and wanted nothing to do with God or family anymore. They were a great couple! She was really hurting- I listened, cried and hugged her. So much pain in this life! Helps me forget my own struggles when I can reach out to someone else. We promised to keep in touch. After the service, an old friend from high-school days came up and invited me to her home for lunch. It was nice to catch up. We are both friendly and love music, but this lady is opposite of me in many ways. She admittedly has lived a charmed life. Her parents are wealthy, happy, functional, supportive people. (Not perfect, but everything you could want in parents) She says she's had a wonderful life with no major upsets. She's married and has a lovely daughter. I'm happy for her, but I hold my breath too, because I think sooner or later everyone gets their turn at suffering. I hope she will have the strength to handle it when the time comes. It was nice of her to open her home to me. We talked like two school-girls.

Our concert Sat. night went well. I love to speak about the love of God- don't get to do that often enough. After the concert, we went to eat supper at a nice Italian restaurant 'Ianucci's' in Ashville, NC. GREAT food & service. If you are ever passing through- check it out. The salad, bread & pasta are amazing!! I got home at 1:30am last night. My husband was waiting on the couch for me. I was so sleepy, he carried my things, helped me remove my shoes & get ready for bed. So sweet of him.

Today, we have the third showing of our house in a week. Not sure what we will do if/when it sells, but at least we won't be killing ourselves trying to make the mortgage anymore. I'm sitting here in my robe, with Ember curled in my lap and the sounds of my family all around me. Don't know how long this happy feeling will last, but I'm enjoying it...

No Other Gods- Part III

2006-11-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

There are many things I seem willing/able to give up for God- favorite TV shows, foods, music, clothing, hobbies, etc. All of these things that are percieved by the church to be "sinful". However, God has asked me to surrender the idol I loved most- my churchianity. I reached a point where I could no longer distinguish God from church- to me they were one and the same. To vary in thought or practice from the corporate church or it's leaders in any way was to turn my back on God. What fear & bondage I have lived under! It's never easy to place something you love upon the altar of faith. But like Abraham, I want to obey. There is a lesson to be learned here...

I've come to realize I don't have to be inside a building or play dress-up to worship. (Where in scripture does it say we have to put on finery to come before the Lord??) I've had church in jeans- on horseback before. Scripture says I'm a temple of the Living God. Wherever I go- He is there in my heart. I even had church in a dark parking lot the other night. A black woman I barely knew and her family of 7 presented me with some groceries- simply because they heard from someone else that we are struggling. They hugged me, we cried and prayed together- a beautiful thing! They are also outcasts of organized religion. God is using them now more than ever!

Kingdom Seekers- not pew-warmers take time to weep and pray with me in this time of trial. Kingdom Seekers, not church people have brought us food. Kingdom Seekers have reached out to us in this time of uncertainty. There is a pride and security that comes from being identified with a church culture- especially if you have a heart for ministry as I do. Stepping away from that reveals to me just how much my faith was built upon a church and it's lifestyle- not security in Christ Jesus. Honestly, I am undone... but my shattered identity is being rebuilt upon a sure foundation and better promises.

Big church is controlling- one of the most power-hungry forces that exist. It tends to rely heavily on Pastors, Priests and Professors- telling people what to think and spoon-feeding theology. The organized system only ordains those who are careful to preach what they are taught to say. Major speaker/directors allow themselves to become celebs- people hang on their every word. However, I find the Kingdom says we are ALL ministers of the Gospel- men and women, young and old alike. Christ did not pick the most learned, articulate scholars of the Temple school for disciples. He chose common fisherman, tax collectors and whores. He taught them the Gospel and simple Kingdom principles, then sent them out to share the Good News. They were unpolished- had a lot to learn- but still He sent them. When they started getting political, pushing for positions of authority, Jesus was quick to let them know that's not how the Kingdom of Heaven operates. Everything He did refuted the dogmatic religious culture of His time: His simple message, practical garments, the respectful way He treated women, the mercy He showed to sinners, the humility of spirit, non-judgemental attitude and willingness to reach out to anyone who needed Him. His yoke was easy and His burden light. The most powerful thing a Kingdom Seeker can share is a testimony- every believer has one. Don't be afraid to tell your story!

Any good thing can become an idol. In my mind, keeping 10 Commandments was the magical code by which to unlock God's approval and blessing. I had them hanging on the wall as a daily meditation. I was out to be the most upright, Commandment keeper that ever was! The Law and 'The Testimonies' were my whole identity as a believer. I did okay with the letter of the Law and lifestyle changes, but the Spirit of the Law... is where I fell WAY short. I could reasonably control my actions, but not my mind. It became clear that God had my attention, but not my heart. Transfixed upon those tablets of stone, I failed to notice the old rugged cross and the Sinless One who hung upon it for me. God says, "I will take your heart of stone and give you a heart of Flesh". The Commandments are good and have their place, but they have been the heart of the church's Old Covenant- righteousness by works message for generations. A Redeemer is far better. Will Jesus ever take His rightful place at the forefront of our experience? Now is the time to enter God's rest.

When my computer crashed last week, I lost all the information it contained- including a lot of clutter. Now, the hard-drive is reformatted and fresh- ready to hold new information. The system is working better without all that baggage taking up space in the memory. God is doing the same with my heart. Emptying me of every idol and every hindrence- former thoughts, hurts, pre-conceived ideas about what constitutes Truth. He is reformatting my entire life. :o)

No Other Gods- Part II

2006-10-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

As I grow in my faith, it becomes easier to identify three kinds of people:

1) Those who have been so hurt, offended or neglected by "Christians" that they completely dismiss the faith and do whatever they please.
2) Those who idolize the church and are cheerleaders for their particular brand of religion virtually saying, "Rah-rah us, we have the truth and no one else does. Stand up tall, like a steeple, 'cause we're God's only chosen people! Goooooooo ------------'s" (insert name of church) To them everything is black & white with no room for variance.
3) Then there are those who are broken, questioning and truly long to be part of God's Kingdom- wherever it takes them. I call them 'Kingdom Seekers'.

Those who play church are content- they have it all figured out- don't mess up the routine or challenge them to think outside the box. You will tend to hear the same proof texts, cliche statements and old presentations from this bunch. Often their outreach tactics are irrelevant to modern culture.

A true seeker never stops learning, changing and growing. A true Christian isn't out for their own glory- that's why they can freely admit they are "chief of sinners". Members of God's Kingdom aren't working to save souls for bragging rights about how many converts they've won or because they want more stars in their crowns. Kingdom builders still make mistakes, but reach out to others because they truly care. There's NOTHING they wouldn't give to help or encourage another human being. People put up buildings and run churches, but God controls The Kingdom. There is new life and vibrance in Him!

The Cross is the great leveler of mankind. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female- only children bearing a simple message. "God is love". "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us". "By Grace you have been saved and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, lest anyone boast".
God looks past the sophisticated fables we live out to see the heart. How deep is His searching- how great the invitation- "whosoever will". His embrace reaches beyond economic status and denominational boundaries. Who can define His Kingdom- except to say there's always room for one more? It isn't necessary to define every little detail of faith. The Spirit moves as the Spirit wills. Kingdom mentality understands that we're all born to unique circumstances and see things a bit differently. There is freedom within the Kingdom because nobody is trying to push their own agenda. The focus is Christ and Him crucified.

No Other Gods- Part I

2006-10-31T21:44:00.000-05:00

In the darkest of times, the melancholy part of me kicks in and I get lost in my contemplations. I spend hours in prayer trying to figure out what God wants from me. This week, I had a revelation and one that brought me to my knees- even wrote a song about it. You see, I am guilty of worshipping things other than God.

Most of my existence has been built around Church. I wanted to grow the church, to be a leader in the denomination. The church was my entire life, education AND my husband's vocation. Now I see the church became a god for me. So caught up in being proud of my earthly religious heritage, I took little notice and found small comfort in the fact that I was a child of God. The hard times we've been facing for so long have served to help me re-focus. You see, God doesn't want us to be about building a church. He wants us to grow a Kingdom. God's vision goes so much farther than our own little box. We are content when someone gets in the baptismal tank and claims our denomination as their own. God is not content until the heart is truly connected in loving relationship with Him. We are content to be polite, shake hands and exchange small talk with each other on a weekly basis. God wants us to support each other consistently with familial love- one that would give anything to help the other person. This kind of love has been shown to us recently and it is very powerful!

Taking a step back from the mindset of churchianity has been a big eye-opener for me. It's been interesting how people react to my questions and examinations. Some lecture and chastize verbally, others write accusatory letters asking me to leave the church, however, there are some who simply love me and allow me room to grow as God leads. These people are my only lifeline with a stale church. If we could set aside prophecy, health message, fundamental beliefs, the big focus on 10 Commandments for a time and give whole-hearted effort to uplift the Risen Lord, perhaps we would find ourselves revitalized? Maybe we would find a renewed passion for God?? Maybe we need to realize that we are nothing- even with our schools, hospitals, publishing houses and big satellite television station. Those things we are so proud of have burned before and they are all going to burn in the end. Then it will boil down to character. How did we treat people? Were we self-righteous and judgemental? Did we step on others to work our way up to top positions in the church? God is not mocked- He sees the goings on, the politics, the headgames that go on behind the scenes in the religious setting.

God is building a kingdom- He's calling people out. More and more I meet other people who are disillusioned with organized church and all the expectations, rituals and exactings that are imposed within it's walls in the name of earning Salvation. (Salvation is a gift- freely given not earned) Kingdom seekers connect on a deep spiritual level, because we have suffering in common. We are outcasts- fringe elements- those who want something real and are willing to do whatever it takes to find it. Don't believe churchianity exists? Try asking questions- be who you are in Christ and see what happens. There will likely be pressure to conform. Those who consider themselves so rich in theological wisdom will be quick to try and shut you up and straighten you out. Why? Because a simple message is not welcome among those who pride themselves in being spiritually complex. If it's not complicated, then it's below them.

Truth is plain and simple. I'm a sinner in need of the Grace God offers. I've tried with everything in me to be good and keep all the rules & restrictions. Like the Apostle Paul in Romans 7, the good I want to do, I fail to do and the evil I want to avoid is the very thing I tend to migrate toward. Guess what? I can't do it. That's why Jesus came and kept the rules FOR ME. He died to cover my mistakes. He rose again to give me hope. He loves me. Now I can rest in HIS MERIT under a New Covenant knowing it's not about my being perfect, but in accepting Christ's perfection. Jesus said, "If you love Me, feed my sheep". What are the sheep starving for? L-O-V-E. They want to know a God Who cares and a people that show genuine concern.

The Blind Horse...

2006-10-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

(Not sure who wrote this- it was an e-mail forward, but it really touched me so I wanted to share it:)

Just up the road from my home is a big field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop by to observe, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of the bigger horse will disclose that he is completely blind. His caring owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him in lush pastures. This alone is a miracle...

If you stand nearby and listen, you hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from a smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow. As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and the blind horse listens for the bell, then slowly walks to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray. When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally, looking back, making sure the blind friend isn't too far behind.

Like the kind owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away because we are not perfect or when we have problems or challenges. He watches over us- even bringing others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the helpless blind horse being guided by the ringing bells of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are like the guide-horse, helping others find the way home.
Good friends are like that... you may not always see them, but you know they are there. Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

Remember... be kinder than necessary - everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Meth Mom...

2006-10-28T13:54:00.000-04:00

I recently read an article about a mom who was found passed out in her car which contained Meth Amphetamine- she had a naked baby sitting in a carseat. It must have been a disturbing sight for whoever found them there by the road. Understandably, the mother was arrested and heavily sentenced for possession of an illegal substance and child abuse. She is now making a plea for leniency and help so that she can return home to be with her three children.
As I scrolled down through the reader comments below the article, I was disturbed by the cold remarks that were made. "Serves her right", "Lock her up and throw away the key" "Her poor children are better off without her", "Let her rot in Hell for what she did", "I can't believe she did this in our community", etc. Will nobody hear the cries for help from this woman? The two people who did post sympathetic comments were loudly booed by the angry and self-righteous posts of the others. (Guess none of them have ever made a mistake before and are now entitled to come down hard on someone else?)

The mother messed up bigtime- YES. Should she be punished? YES- she needs to take responsibility for her actions. But she too is a life and God loves her. She needs help not hatred. If the community is sooooo concerned for her poor children, then they would know the best thing to do is help their mother get cleaned up as soon as possible so she can be with them. It CAN be done. She is their birth mother and nobody else will ever take her place in their lives.

I too am outraged when children are abused or neglected- it's heartbreaking! However, was the response from this woman's community appropriate? They are very quick to deal out shame on her. However, she did not just wake up one morning and say, "Hey, just for kicks I think I'll be a druggie and abuse my kids." It was a long, slippery slope that happened over time. Where was the community then?? Why do we not focus more on prevention and less on punishment after the fact?

Having lived among some of the poorest people in America and knowing them as I do, I see things a little differently than the average or privileged American. Many people have been incredibly sheltered and as a result, often turn a blind eye and deaf ear to those who struggle just to get by. People turn to a life of drugs and drink when they have tried to succeed and had the door slammed on them one too many times. Some have been sorely abused and rejected all or most of their lives. As a teen, I watched one of our neighbors- a single mother- try hard to get work, but nobody would hire her because she had been in jail nearly a decade before. Her children were taken away. I remember her sobs as she watched the CPS van drive away with her kids. We are too often a very uncaring, unforgiving people- so caught up in our own agendas that we fail to see or choose to overlook the need around us.

What kind of community is so blind that they cannot see the signs of a family struggling financially, spiritually or emotionally? To those who are so quick to point the finger of blame at the ones who fall- where were you BEFORE they fell? Where was your church?? There are probably several congregations in their city. Why didn't they reach out to help this woman before she ended up passed out on the side of the road???? Too often, by our neglect, we create desperate people, then punish them. Will we excuse ourselves saying, "Am I my brother's keeper"? It comforts me to know that God sees the bigger picture. The meth mom is an adult who needs to be accountable for what she did. However, the greater burden of neglect is laid upon the community for not acting on the part of this family. Though I am making NO excuses for her behavior, I feel for this woman and her children. We are so often graceless. Mercy is difficult to offer- until we ourselves have truly received it.

If Jesus Christ were born today, He would likely be born to a homeless young woman in the back ally of a ghetto. Nobody would recognize Him now either. We tend to prefer flashy, happy, eloquent, influential people in suits. I believe God allowed His own Son to be born into poverty so that He could understand the hurts of the less fortunate. If you haven't, then just for a week, try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. There is charity in this country, but that is not a cure-all. You see every form of charity has requirements that must be met before you qualify. Contrast that with the fact that God offers grace and mercy- simply because we're breathing. At times my family was quite poor, but often we did not get any assistence. We fell in the crack of earning too little to get by very well, but making just a little too much to qualify for help. People would tell my mother to quit her job and live off the government, but she was too proud for that and with all her heart wanted to work to feed us. Can you blame her? So we got by as best we could.

There have been some hard times in my life- I can easily understand how people get off on the wrong track when they are hurting. Heaven help them- it's very likely nobody else will.

Last Night...

2006-10-27T10:42:00.000-04:00

Had a great time at the concert last night! It was packed- standing room only. Barlow Girl is really cool. Three young sisters who are incredibly talented and have devoted themselves to spreading a positive message. My daughter thoroughly enjoyed herself and was able to get all of the girls to autograph her program. We were able to have a little talk about the facts of life on the way down and back. I love my daughter- this little blossom of a woman. She is growing in feminine graces and her cooking is really good. If anyone ever abuses her like I was hurt at her age, they will have to tie me down to prevent me from hurting someone. She is smart, creative and changing every day. I'm glad she's not boy crazy. I think it's important for a girl to have a strong identity without having a boyfriend as a crutch. When I was in school, I didn't date much. Lots of girls would go from one guy to the next and they were completely uncomfortable just being themselves without some significant other. Now, we are designed for companionship, but unless one has a good sense of self early on, they will lose themselves in someone else- which sounds romantic, but is not at all healthy.

One of the great things about being me is that I have such a wide appreciation for music. I had a huge Classical library- before my computer crashed, but I also enjoy some Country, Pop, Contemp. Christian, etc. I'm not of the opinion that God only endorses one certain kind of music- or only certain instruments as worthy to be used for His glory. I think it's more about the message of the song itself. I don't like fluffy, sing-songy type music in any genre. I like material with depth. 'Barlow Girl' music reaches me where I am right now.
The crowd at the concert was mostly young people clapping and singing along during some of the songs. I stood against the wall in the back with tears rolling down my face- especially during the song 'Never Alone'. In the words of David, "How long oh Lord will You hide Your face from me?"

I believe healing comes. I know it's possible. But it doesn't make it any easier being in the fire and feeling so alone. I am completely undone- what more can God possibly do but take my life? If my man and I recover from the events of the last 3 yrs, it will truly be an act of God, because we have nothing left from which to rebound or rebuild. I want to believe that although my heart is cold right now, someday I will be warm again and able to write songs about victory over this experience. I choose to believe that someday I will look back on all this and laugh about it.

Interestingly enough, I keep bumping into this guy named Chris who started a group called 'The Black Sheep Coalition'. He and his wife were ejected from their church for being independant thinkers and for their "liberal" views on how Christ receives sinners. They have now started a group that meets for fellowship, prayer & praise. Last night, I turned around while waiting in line with my daughter for autographs and there they were. They seemed as happy to see me as I was to see them. Chris had a hard time of it. A former heavy-metal player and biker, he was refused entrance to the church and baptism at one point because he had tatoos. What nerve! Who gave the church authority to turn people away? Christ said, "Whosever will", often the church says "Whosoever will..... conform to every minute detail of organized religion". Chris has a testimony, knows his Bible, loves the Lord and can preach a real sermon off the top of his head. He is the first to admit he's still learning. But the one thing he does know is that God loves black sheep- the broken, the misfits, outcasts and rejects that nobody else wants. Chris is a little edgy- reminds me of what disciple Peter must have been like, but I respect him. The three of us had a good talk last night and they gave me their phone number, saying I should call them anytime if I want to cry, pray or testify. Cool! Too many Christians are quick to correct and slow to listen. Not the case with Chris & Kelly. I feel like I could share anything with them and they wouldn't judge me, lecture me or turn me away. Jesus didn't go around dictating to people. He did set up some guidelines for behavior in the Beatitudes, but He mostly challenged people to examine their lives. Most people are smart enough to figure things out if they are sincerely seeking after God. Christ did not insult their intelligence by laying everything out, He invited people to THINK for themselves. That's a kind of love you don't often find. We are going to invite them out for a visit in the near future.