The Passing of Dreams...

We just finished watching a wonderful film starring a young actor I highly respect, Shia Lebeouf.
The movie is entitled 'The Greatest Game Ever Played' and I must say, this film far surpassed my expectations! The cinematography is amazing, the acting superb and the theme is about the realization of dreams and overcoming social stigmas. It is based on the true story of an Irish family who came to the US with dreams of great success, yet the Father only becomes a ditch digger and they live in a small house beside a Golf course. The mother is still hopeful and supports Shia's character in his pursuit of Golf, but the father is so disappointed that his owns dreams didn't come true that he selfishly witholds support for his sons dream of being a great golfer. Time after time, he fails to understand or encourage his son in reaching toward his goal. The ending is great and the father finally makes peace with his disappointments and opens his heart to his son. I was very touched when the father was finally able to congratulate his son and offer a smile of approval.

Okay, I'll admit it, I don't know much about Golf. It doesn't thrill me, but I was totally on board emotionally throughout the entire film. You see, I have a dream of sharing my music, of travel and study. I've already done that to a certain extent, but I've not been able to go as many places as I would've liked. There is so much more to learn and experience. I didn't make much money at it, so there are many who scoff. To most, unless it makes money, it's not a worthy pursuit. Well, I'm nearly to my mid-30's and not getting any younger. I have 4 bright children who sing, dance, draw and paint wonderfully well.
I know life is a long series of transitions. So, I wonder, when comes the time to accept that my dreams may never come true and begin focusing on those of my children? Is this giving up a sign of weakness on my part or simply an acceptance of the reality that without means, it is nearly impossible to rise above the stations we are born to? Yes, even in America- land of opportunity- often the door to success is slammed shut with a resounding thud in the faces of those unfortunate enough to be born poor. My parents were never wealthy. I received absolutely nothing from any of my Grandparents when they passed away- a fact that reflects their lack of interest in me while they were living. It was almost as if they were non-existent in my life. I made attempts at relationship that were not returned. There is are holes in my heart their love should have filled. Sadder still is the fact that there are many who feel this way. Watching thier lives pass by, feeling unloved and losing hope.
Now that we have been financially devastated, perhaps it's time to make peace with reality and stop hoping to ever be more than I am. If wishing could make it possible to give our kids a better future, then it would be so, but I fear they are bound to the same future of struggling to get by. For all our many complexities, we humans really are simple, somewhat helpless creatures, often bound to follow similar paths as our parents.
My sweet babies are fast becoming of the age when serious dreams for the future begin to take root. Lord, please allow me to give them the support and the future I never received. I'm doing the best I can, but I don't have a lot of great examples of how to be. How do you give what you have never received? Perhaps it's already too late to do what I always wanted and it's time to pass the torch on to the next generation. Unlike the father in the film, I want to have a beautiful spirit and be optimistic for the dreams that have been planted in the tender hearts of my children...

Totally Embarassing Moment!

Okay, so last night, we're sitting outside Walmart waiting for Jay to pick up a few things when I noticed a beautiful Australian Shepherd waiting in the car beside us. Being the HUGE dog enthusiast that I am, well, I just wanted to talk to her, keep her company and tell her how beautiful she was. She looked very lonely. Her window was open a bit, so I scooted over into the driver's seat, rolled my window down, leaned out a bit and started talking to her in the most soothing voice I could muster. I made the cute little kissing sound you make to dogs to get their attention and said, "Hey Baby, you are so gorgeous, I'll bet you're lonely- huh? Are you warm enough? Do you want me to keep you company?" The dog was not responding as favorably as I had hoped, maybe she didn't hear me? So I leaned out the window a little more and repeated myself a little louder. It was then that my children, who were sitting in the back said, "Mom, stop it, you are totally embarassing us!" Well, I thought that was ridiculous, why should they care if I talk to a dog in the parking lot?! Then I noticed a skinny older guy walking past the car the dog was in. He had a funny look on his face and when he saw me looking at him, his pace quickened and his demeanor said it all. HE THOUGHT I WAS MAKING KISSY NOISES AND PROPOSITIONING HIM!!!!!!!!

Ya gotta have a sense of humor to be me.... well, it's that or go crazy!!

Wild Weekend!

Wow- is all I can say. Life just blows me out of the water sometimes!

Met up with an old friend for dinner this weekend. We had an amazing conversation and talked for hours. She is a kindred spirit and someone I feel I can be completely honest with. God has placed several of these persons in my life and I'm very grateful. Trisha if you read this, THANK YOU a million times over for thinking of me, meeting up with me and treating me to dinner. Bless you! Next time, it's on me...

Saturday morning we slept in and had a leisurely brunch with the kids. About 11:00am, we got a bizarre phone call. Jay picked up and this guy said, "Wheresdaweedat?" Jay didn't understand what he was trying to say, so the man repeated himself, "WheresDAweedAT?". Jay still didn't get it and said, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number". The guy said, "Is this Jay?" "Yeah" "Then I want my puff-puff!" Jay said, "I don't know what you're talking about." To which the man replied, "Don't F--- with me man, I want my stuff!" Jay said, "Look, I don't have your stuff and I don't know what you're talking about". The caller said, "Man, I know what paper routes you run and I will shoot you down". Jay hung up. (Guess the dummy didn't know we have caller ID and got his name & number) We called the Newspaper to inquire and turns out the guy is a former employee who quit and stole over a thousand dollars from the paper. The Police came out to talk to us and everything. Apparently, my husband unknowingly got in the middle of a drug-traffic ring that was using Newspaper racks. He inadvertantly threw out what appeared to be some wadded up trash in a rack and a bag of drugs was in amongst the wadded up paper. Anyway, kinda scary! Jay sees this as a sure sign it's time for us to move on...

Honestly, Jay has had it pretty bad the past 3 yrs. He's worn out, completely humbled- devastated is more like it. Getting fired from an 11 yr career and going bankrupt has a way of doing that to a man. Now he's exhausted from working 2 jobs. You know things are bad when a 36 yr old man is too tired to even "show interest" in his wife. Everything we've done to stay in this area has fallen through. The little house we were hoping to rent is now for sale and we can't afford to buy it. Besides, who's going to give us a loan now? Looks like we are headed to MI- at least for a while. I was supposed to be in a friends wedding this April, now I'm probably going to have to miss it. Hate to break the news to the happy couple.
Today I had to tell MofM that I will no longer be able to sing with them. It was a tough announcement on my part as I love these girls. We cried and prayed together. They seem to understand and feel the gravity of my situation. I really love them, we've had a lot of good times working together- although we've had our share of differences, we stayed together and have done a lot of minstry. I don't know what will happen now, perhaps I'm just not meant to be a musician? Maybe all the rest of the songs I've written will remain in my folder unheard?? I'm not getting any younger... and unfortunately youthful looks are important. In a way, I'm ready just to give up on it. It's not like I want to be a big, famous label artist or anything. Those people have it tough and they are pretty much owned. I just want to make recordings of my songs and be able to perform from time to time- for posterity mostly.

Jay wants to stay in the apartment of some good friends up north, relax and pull ourselves and our marriage back together. He may be working at a Medical Supply company, then after we have healed a bit and saved up some money, we will head out to Montana- the dream state. Always knew in my heart we'd probably end up out there in the fresh air, but I thought it would be after our kids were older and we had done our music. Oh well, I know God has a plan in all of this chaos. We need time to re-connect as a family.

As I pack these boxes, in many ways it feels like I'm packing away my dreams. Perhaps I will never rise above the status I was born to. Sometimes I feel like a big NOTHING. In the hardest of times I always held on thinking someday things would be better. I know God better now than ever. He loves me and for some reason, He deems these trials necessary for my growth. I'm thankful that I still have a family- that's what matters most.

It seems very surreal that in just a few short weeks we will be leaving TN and heading for a new life. Years ago, moving was an adventure. Now I am dragging my feet, feeling sad and happy at the same time.

The Miracle of Mistakes...

Don't know about you, but I've made my share of mistakes. You see, it all started when I was a baby attempting to walk- I miscalculated and fell a lot. My balance was challenged, but no more than that of any other baby. It would seem ridiculous for a parent to scold a baby for falling while attempting to walk. In fact, parents smile and make over a little one as he/she takes those important first steps. Proud Moms & Dads stand a short distance away, arms outstretched and invite the toddler to "Come to me".

I'm a reasonably coordinated, quick learner, but peddling a bike, riding a horse and learning how to skate were challenges. I went down a lot, but each time I bit the dust, I learned something. My brain was making calculations and recording results. Though I fell, I was learning and eventually, though I'll never be an Olympian, I could ride like a champ.

What would've happened if at any point, I was yelled at when I lost my balance? What if I was kicked out of the family unless I could promise never to make any mistakes? I would have been terrified to try anything and probably would have ended up a vegetable lying flat on my back and pretty much useless. Humans make mistakes- that's what we do. It's all part of a Divine learning program. Now, I'm not saying we should go out and deliberately do something we know is wrong and then excuse or explain it away. We need to use good judgement. However, even the most careful and sincere people mess up. Then what? Does God get angry and pull away? No, He forgives and encourages. Like a loving parent, He wipes the tears, brushes us off, sets us back on our feet and continues to invite "Come to Daddy, Sweetheart". I'm still learning how to walk- with Him. I've gotten tripped up and I've chased a few rabbit trails, but the miracle of it all is that these mistakes have taught me more about who I am and more importantly, Who God Is. I see my need for something bigger than myself.

When people scold, lecture and condemn people- especially the youth- for their behavior and think for them, they are telling them it's a sin to exercise our intelligence or make any miscalculations in the formula of life. This puts a ton of pressure on an already insecure person not to "mess up". Perfectionism is a cruel master. Christians tend to focus on avoiding certain behaviors and come down pretty hard on each other. Is this love or control? Maturity or manipulation? Wisdom or folly?
What if we allow each other room to question, to seek, to try on new thoughts and ideas? Is it possible that in our great caution against making mistakes, many who could run- even dance in the presence of the Lord are only allowed to walk with a cautious shuffle? If so, how then will we ever learn to fly??

Cluttered Houses & Broken Vessels...

Today is 'Martin Luther King, Jr. Day' and we pause to remember a great man and his dream. Perfect? Not by any means, but he was used by God to help bring freedom to the captives, the oppressed and underpriviledged.
There's a mindset in many Christian circles that says we must be perfect before God can or will use us. This is a lie conjured up by the Devil. Should we strive for excellence- YES! We should do everything with considerable heart- as if to God Himself. Just don't obsess about being perfect or putting in a show-stopping performance every time.
Every great man or woman of God fell in some way, but they kept getting up, dusting off and trying again. They had the courage to do so because they understood the heart of God. He is patient, kind, merciful and forgiving.
Moses killed a man, Joseph spent time in prison, David committed adultery, Abraham & Solomon had more than 1 wife, Noah got drunk, Rahab was a whore, Peter had a bad temper, Gideon was a bit of a scaredy-cat, but God called and used them anyway- He could see that in their hearts they loved Him and wanted to do good.

I know a lady who NEVER invites friends over to her house. Her house is lovely, but with 3 children, it's often cluttered and she doesn't feel worthy of company- unless her house is perfectly clean, so she just won't relax and lay out the welcome mat. Apparently, she doesn't know that a true friend will enjoy spending time with you, even if your house is less than perfect. I feel sad for her. She is missing out on the blessing of hospitality and her friends all have complexes thinking they aren't good enough to be invited to her home. When the day comes for her to reflect on her life, it's likely she may regret that she didn't have friends over.

I have wasted much of my life trying to perfect myself, my image & presentation. I missed the opportunity to help others because I was so focused on myself, basing my idea of perfection on church teachings, upon what others thought of me & the opinions I was constantly receiving. Broken? Who me?? Now that I have seen the love of God on a deeper level, it's okay to admit I'm broken and I'm comfortable hanging out with other broken vessels. We can spend our lives and mental energy trying to make ourselves whole, unbroken vessels or we can allow God to use us where we are- TODAY. When a neighbor is hungry, they don't care whether or not you're perfect- they simply appreciate the food you bring. A drowning person doesn't wait for a perfect LifeGuard to come along- they don't care as long as they are saved. When a hiker is lost in a snowstorm, they don't give a snit whether the lodging is immaculate or the decor bright & shiny- they just want a place to get warm.

We can move forward in confidence and live with courage. God has used many flawed people like you & me for the greater good!

Whoo-hoooooo!

This week was incredibly stressful for some of the reasons I mentioned in my last post. We have been doing the one-car shuffle- which, with two busy schedules is amazingly stressful. Yesterday the building inspector came again to determine if this house is on a permanant foundation or not. We were stressed to the max!

However, not only did the building inspector, but also the buyers showed up. I was not prepared for company, let alone the potential buyers of our house- in fact, I was in the shower when they arrived and Jay went out to meet and talk with them. The house was cluttered and I could've died of embarassment, but hey- I've got 4 kids and if you want the house immaculate when you arrive, ya gotta call ahead and give us some time to pick-up.
Anyway, I was stressing out bigtime in the bathroom, trying to get ready for work and worrying about them thinking we are dirty redneck people or something.... 30 minutes later, I was curling my hair and my man came in and said, "Well, he passed the foundation and we are moving the first week of Feb.- the sale is still ON!" Then, I don't know what happened, but he says I passed out with the curling iron still wound tightly in my hair. He caught me and somehow managed to unwrap the thing without burning himself or me. I 'came to' on the bed with he & my oldest daughter looking down at me saying, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" I can count only 3 times that I've ever passed out in my life. Wierd!! Guess I was just overwhelmed with relief- as we were facing the possibility of foreclosure if the sale didn't go through.

So, it looks like we are back on track and can make some plans... :o) Have a GREAT weekend!!

How Long?

Two words dominate my thinking tonight. "How Long?" I just finished quieting and tucking in a sobbing 6 yr old. She says, "Why can't we just be a family again and eat breakfast together and play games and just be all of us at home like we used to be? I want you to be home again. Why can't it just happen??" She cried as if her little heart was breaking- same way she cried 2 yrs ago when I took her old, faded Pink Blankby away and slipped in a new one exactly like it on the sly. She tolerated it for 2 wks, then came to me in tears saying she missed her old blankby and wanted her back. My precious little "Bunny" is sentimental above all of my other children.
I once told the story of my black & white Pandy-bear with button eyes & Blue Rabbie with satin ears- 2 stuffed animal friends I had when I was little. I slept with them every night, one under each arm and gave them rides in my Radio Flyer wagon. They wanted to know why I don't have them anymore, so I explained how they were lost in one of many relocations. Although my parents knew exactly where the box that held them both was left in the old house, I could not with all my pleadings convince them to go back and get them. Recently, we were in the car and the children asked me if I ever had a toy that was really special to me and the story of my two most precious toys came out. Suddenly from the back of the van came the sound of uncontrollable sobs. Yes, my baby was crying back there FOR ME! She said, "Mama, you loved Rabbie & Pandy as much as I love my Pink Blankby and now they are gone forever and ever"....... more sobs. I had NO idea it would upset her like that! As soon as we got home, she ran straight for the table and drew me a bunch of pictures of both toys and amazingly, her drawings looked JUST LIKE THEM! How she knew, I do not know, but I keep the drawings beside my bed and somewhere deep inside me, a little girl is pleased.
Although we are so weary from years of this cursed misfortune, we still have our wonderful children. God, I thank you for innocent little hearts that hold such great amounts of love and tenderness. If you are no longer hearing my prayers or have grown tired of my pleas, can you hear those of my children asking You to help us??

So I wrapped Bunny in her favorite blankby, rocking her in my arms while she cried for what has been lost to all of us- the joy of having family time and a regular, more relaxed schedule. I want nothing more than to have the power to fix all of this and make it better....

How long, Lord? How long??

Beautiful Comes from the Heart...

My mother loved me, but was very critical at times. She was often picking out my worst features or my weight, or telling me how ugly my hair looked. (I was pale with reddish hair.) We didn't have much money, I was short and the "ugly duckling" during most of my schooling. I pretty-much believed whatever nastiness other people said about me- messages that play repeatedly in my head.

Then I married. He's not perfect, but he does think I'm beautiful and has never ceased to tell me so. His pet names for me are 'Shining Eyes' and 'Pretty Mama'.. At first when he would call me these things I'd just roll my eyes and think "how corny". But I think he is getting through to me? I still have days when I feel like a toad, but most of the time I'm feeling better about myself. I guess this is part of growing up? It is a mystery to me how recently, during the hardest time of my life, people tell me I look radiant. They ask me what skin care regimen I'm doing. Well, I'm not doing anything special, I just feel different inside. All the stress of our current situation weighs heavily on me- it's overwhelming, but inside I have this sense of peace- this vibrant warmth no words can describe. My heart is growing. I believe God loves me, He accepts me as His daughter and thinks I'm beautiful. It really helps to know this when everything you've tried to build comes crashing down around your feet. I want so much more for my children! We need to laugh, play and delight in being a family. I look at this recent photo and see that my countenance has changed. I look older, but a bit wiser too.

This morning, we slept in a little. Hubby and I spent 2 hrs talking and venting our frustrations. I cried a bit. We are both worn out. Gut level honesty and communication are important features of any relationship and we did not hold back. We talked about the reasons we got married, the challenges we are facing and how much we've both changed over the last 14 yrs. (I was still a teenager when we married) We have considered a trial separation, but that's not what either of us want. We want to hold this thing together, but how do you when circumstances dictate that you so rarely see each other? I need romance and intimacy- virtually impossible when you are both working so hard and barely scraping by. Quality time together is extremely important to me- not a high a priority for him, but he knows that in order for this marriage to survive now he is going to invest more time in the relationship.

Anyway, at the end of our long talk, he was leaning against the headboard looking up at the ceiling, I just laid my head quietly against his chest and he stroked my hair as if I were a little girl. It was comforting. I have been humbled by the gravity of living and the reality of my limitations. This is not all bad. Somehow it helps to know I'm not alone- though I do not celebrate the fact that my man suffers with me. I felt close to him today and this encouraged me. Whether we stay together or part ways in the future, I owe him a lot. I have gained so much from being in this relationship. Nothing learned is a waste of time. Despite his shortcomings and mine, he gave me 4 beautiful children and has helped me learn to love myself. That's a miracle for which I am grateful.

Enduring with Dignity...

"The manner in which one endures what must be endured is more important than the thing that must be endured." - Dean Acheson

Wise words! I don't know what 2007 holds in store, but my greatest desire is that I will handle it with dignity and grace.

The first week of the New Year and there is no break from our trials. The car died- cost $450 to repair and the Building Inspector that came to look at our house didn't like our shingles or our foundation, so the sale of our house is now in jeopardy- ridiculous! This place is only 10 yrs old and solid as a rock! However, if it doesn't sell, we will most likely end up making a late payment or defaulting on our mortgage. (Humiliating for anyone with integrity to face) It is difficult not to be bitter toward those leaders who put us in this position by demanding we follow the ministry down here, then after we take on a bigger mortgage, they fire my man. Worst of all, no one in the denomination will take any responsibility for what happened to our family & 5 others, so there is no closure, only this terrible frustration. My life and marriage are ready to split at the seams from all the stress. God help us!

I go to my quiet place whenever I can to pray Heaven will hear us, have mercy on us and lighten our load somehow. I bow before the Lord of all things and walk away- not feeling lighthearted, but my shoulders are squared and my head is carried upright. I will cry alone in the dark, I will workout hard and I will write my thoughts here to cope, until something changes for the better.

Sometimes I strongly identify with a character I saw in an old movie once. No idea what the title was- as I only caught one scene. A woman of nobility is being led to her execution. She is not guilty of any crime, but there is great hatred toward her. They are throwing rocks and tomatoes at her, they are shouting obscenities and calling her a dog, yet there is a calm on her face. She KNOWS who she is- their opinions will not shake her and she goes defiantly peaceful to her death. Jesus too, stood calmly before hatred. They put him through a mock trial, ripped out his beard, struck Him and spat upon Him. They taunted Him, even as He hung on the Cross- stripped of every dignity- including His clothing. Yet He did not sink into the bowels of hatred.

Love is far stronger than any bitterness.

Life is throwing everything it can at us. I'm lonely and weary, but as long as there is breath left in me, I will keep the words of God that were spoken to my heart. "You are mine, purchased of my Blood and you will be lifted up. Hold on just a little longer and I will move in your favor."

Please pray for me and my family...

Music for the Soul...

Beautiful music is caressing my soul, the sweet sounds of my heritage fill the room. AWESOME!! The purity of the vocals, the inspiring instrumentation lifts me up. Two thumbs WAY up for this project! I find myself tearing up for several of the songs- touching release. Their link is in the right-hand column if you'd like to visit their site and learn more about them. I'm a singer, dancer, mother, but above all else, a free-spirited lady. My heart thrills to good music and splendid scenery. The hectic life we lead threatens to shut me down and close me in, but that's NOT who I am and I refuse to let life get the best of me. This music sets my spirit free like that of a wild mare and I hope it will touch you as well.

Out With The Old...

Good riddance to the nightmare that was 2006! I welcome the mystery of this New Year. We'll see what comes of it. Surely our string of misfortune will not last? Spent New Year's weekend in Texas with my friend Allie and her husband Jayce. Fun! We mostly just chilled out. Went shopping a little, ate out, had some Soy Latte's, watched some movies and just enjoyed each other's company. I picked up some sickness on the plane ride there, so I was a little out of it. I missed my kids and my man while in TX and never feel as lonely as I do when I'm in an airport all alone. Everyone is a stranger there and I feel very curious and disconnected. I mean it's a strange kind of lonely. I didn't enjoy that part of the trip at all. Made up for lost time with my man when I got home- that's always nice. There's just something about his arms around me that gives me courage to keep hope alive for a better year in 2007 and beyond... God help us hold this marriage together!

One of my daughters has a bad case of Chicken Pox. She looks awful, but I know she will be better soon. Poor kid has really been through the ringer this year! We all have. She named her scabs.

I wasn't really happy about the execution of Saddam Hussein- no strong sense of relief or victory. Felt it was more of a media ploy than anything else- maybe just to stir up retaliation so as to pinpoint more sources of resistance? I certainly don't think he was any good for the world. Still don't see where the connections were between Saddam and Osama Bin Laden or Iraq and 9/11. hmmmmm. The death of any human being does nothing to excite me. Sometimes war may be necessary, but any loss of life is a tragedy to me. I believe there is good and bad in every one of us. We should never be so one-sided in our views that we cannot see the value of life in those who oppose us. We are all capable of great deeds of mercy, but also of evil. I hope that my presence in this life will, even in some small way, bring about something positive.

Denver Broncos are out of the play-offs now. I'm very disappointed!!

Worked a long shift at the YMCA today. So enjoy my co-workers! Swamped with New Year's Eve resolutions. I signed up about 12 people for memberships. Some will stick with it, but in about 3 wks many will start to give up- happens every year in fitness. I try to tell people that moderate, consistent effort is what makes a difference, but there are those who insist on coming in completely out of shape and working out as long and HARD as conditioned athletes. The higher the intensity the better in their minds. Well, they end up exhausted, nauseated, sore, injured and disappointed. Bless their hearts, I see them overdo it BIGTIME with this look on their faces that says, "I, I will survive", but they just can't keep up that kind of pace. Then they blame the club & instructors for not getting them where they want to be and demand refunds on membership. Go figure!

Not sure I'm making any official resolutions this go-round- though it's always my goal to be a better person today than I was the day before and keep learning...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!

Christmas Memories

Everyone's got some kind of Christmas memories- whether they observe the holiday or not. Here's a walk down memory lane and a few things I remember:

- Feeling all warm and cozy sitting by the tree & watching snow falling outside the window.
- When I was very little (Before parents split) my Mom used to make Christmas very special. Dad was always gone trucking, but she would decorate late at night with garland, tree, ornaments, lights and tinsel. When we awoke the next morning, the whole trailer had been transformed into a Christmas wonderland.
- A couple of Christmases, my folks hid some of our gifts and we had to search the house for them. That was fun!
- My Aunt & Uncle always had a pretty tree with a train set up underneath it.
- Making popcorn strings, drinking cocoa, listening to Mantovani Orchestra play carols
- Watching Rudolph, Frosty & Charlie Brown Christmas Specials. It's a Wonderful Life was always a hit.
- Hearing Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, Patty Paige, Julie Andrews, Jerry Mathis and the golden voice of Karen Carpenter on the radio
- Decorating the Christmas tree with my dorm roomate & listening to Manheim Steamroller's Christmas tapes
- Caroling with friends and performing in Handel's Messiah many times
- Eating cashews and pistachios out of pretty Christmas tins.
- Gathering in pajamas, wrapped in blankets to snuggle and listen to Christmas stories
- Driving around looking at Christmas lights.
- Christmas of '96 we had a blizzard in PA- snowed in with my husband's family. We were all stuck for 2 wks and it was great. Nice memories were made. Little did we know at the time it was my Mother-in-law's last Christmas on earth.
- Serving Chrismas Dinner at a homeless shelter and eating with the people there.
- Taping Christmas cards we receive on the wall. We get fewer every year. E-mails are not the same!!! You can't tape them on the wall and enjoy them. There's just something special about getting something in the mail. (Due to the hectic pace of our lives this year, I didn't send out cards. Feel bad about this, but maybe next year?)
- Sharing Christmas with our kids and seeing their delight. Hearing them sing carols.
- The joy of handing some stranger $50 in Walmart and saying "Have a Merry Christmas". I LOVE to see their reactions!!!! Wish I had more money- I'd do that more often.
- Being 'Mary' for pageants 4 years in 1 decade because I was always quite pregnant during December.
- Mistletoe- I'll say no more.....
- Big Christmas dinners with family & friends.
- Grandma B's Christmas cookies

Christmas Future:
- I'd like to take my kids on a sleigh ride and sledding- they've never been!
- I want to see the 'Transiberian Orchestra' in concert
- I want to attend a live Nutcracker Ballet
- I'd like to make a Christmas album
- I'd like to find a place to ice-skate (won't be in TN or GA) where they play Christmas music
- I want to adopt a goat, cow or chickens to send to families in third-world countries through World Vision.
- I'd love to participate in a live nativity someday
- It would be neat to have a house big enough to hold a large family gathering...
- Starting a Christmas Tree Farm
- Spending the holidays in Ireland & Scotland
Do you have any Christmas memories or dreams you'd like to share?

It's That Time of Year Again!

Guess I'm getting older, but the hustle and bustle I used to find so exciting totally exhausts me! As a child, I was blissfully ignorant of the behind-the-scenes work that went into making a Merry Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy people and being in public, but shopping the Mall until your feet hurt and standing in line for 45 minutes at Walmart is ridiculous! Traffic in our little city is crazy right now! I love celebrations, just not all the busy-ness that goes along with them. I think it should be a time just to chill out and breathe a little.
I find there are two approaches to the current season. On the far right of the religious scene, we have militant Christians protesting "Put the Christ back in Christmas", while on the far left we have people screaming that Christmas is a "Pagan" holiday- an abomination. Enough already. Why can't we just let people be and observe as they see or don't see fit? Why the militant attitudes about a holiday meant to be filled with joy & peace? Yes, I've studied with Jehovah's Witnesses (was one for 2 yrs) We didn't observe Christmas, birthdays or say the pledge of allegiance- thought God was asking this of us. We led a bland existence and felt quite the self-righteous martyrdom for our abstainance.
Honestly, I really don't give a rip what the "supposed origins" of Christmas are- I've heard every argument under the sun for and against the celebration of Christmas. Well, I didn't live in the time when it all got started. All I know is what it means to us today. Christmas is a time to connect with friends & family- a very deeply spiritual time for me, but not everyone feels that way and God gives them that right. Having the heart of Christ in us means being able to look anyone in the eye and wish them a "Happy Holiday" and truly mean it- regardless. In the name of peace and goodwill, my family and I will be singing 3 songs for a Christmas program being held by the very church that caused a LOT of our problems last year. They invited us and we are singing for them. Not going to rejoin them, but we want them to know we forgive them for what they did and wish them a Merry Christmas. Not easy after all the hurt, but in my heart I know it's the right thing to do.

Those who bash Christmas as being pagan- in the name of being Biblical, had better go all the way with their reasoning:
Where in the Bible, does it command wedding ceremonies & honeymoons?
Where does it say we should have Thanksgiving Day?
Where in the Bible does it command that we register to vote or have a Driver's Licenses?
Where does it say you have to wear a dress or a 3 piece suit to worship the Lord?
Where in the Bible does it endorse the Pipe Organ as the official church instrument?
Where does it say we should have a middle name?
Where in the Bible does it say to observe birthdays or wedding anniversaries?
It doesn't. So are all these things "Pagan"? Or because Christians start some of these traditions, does it mean God is offended?? I think not. I've written along these lines before... All I know is that my Bible says God is love and I do not see Him in the angry faces of debators & protestors.

There are people out there whom I refer to as 'religious scientists'. (not to be confused with Scientologists) They are constantly out on the fringe of paranoia studying every religious conspiracy theory-not in depth, or with well-rounded perspectives, but just enough to consider it a cause legitimate enough to go around lecturing any poor soul who crosses their paths. They consider themselves "in the know" about virtually every topic politically, historically and Biblically and love to set everyone else straight. I was once very outspoken for several religious "causes". Once you catch a true glimpse of Who God Is, everything else just fades in comparison. I have no higher cause than seeking God, learning what it really means to live and love. Any theory or mindset that makes me think of myself as better, smarter or holier than someone else needs to be closely examined...

Silence is a Treasure!

As a Full-Time worker & busy Mom of 4, it seems my life is quite noisy! Cell phones ring, doors slam, car alarms go off, loud music plays, TV's blare, dogs bark, children cry- everywhere there's a constant stream of chatter. It's rare these days to stand in line at the store without hearing someone talk on the phone. Can't even do the bathroom thing in peace without being captive audience to the whole story of Torrie's big break-up because, like, the gal in the stall beside you is, like, spilling drama on her phone. First of all, I don't get it! How on earth does she manage to keep from dropping her cell in the jon? (There are times I wish it would happen- especially when my girls are with me- just to have a little quiet for 5 mins and avoid the over-education of my daughters young minds.) Cell phone usage, though a necessary evil, is often the bearer of T.M.I. (Too Much Information) I'm regularly forced to overhear someone describe details of their colonoscopy, ingrown toenail procedure, etc. over the phone in the lobby of the YMCA. Do we regard our privacy so lightly these days? Try to have a rare, intimate evening out with your man, while the chick next table over is yakking on her phone- relaying everything the other party says to her date. We all but stood up and cheered when they left! I'm not the only one who's life is full of noise pollution. I feel like a misfit in today's crowded, fast-paced society. Perhaps Trailady was born in the wrong century?
So, I read once more in my 'Native American Wisdom' book and find a chapter about Words & Silence. As a speaker, poet and writer, I love words- they are a gift. However, I believe there's such a thing as too many, or overuse of words. As an editor I learned that often we use too many words to make even a simple point. Language is a gift to be used wisely. So here goes, from the heart of our Natives:

"The first American mingled with his dignity a singular humility. Spiritual arrogance was foreign to his nature and teaching. He never claimed that his power of articulate speech was proof of superiority over "dumb creation"; on the other hand, speech is to him a perilious gift.
He believes profoundly in silence- the sign of a perfect equalibrium. Silence is the absolute poise or balance of body, mind and spirit. The man who preserves his selfhood ever calm and unshaken by the storms of existence-- not a leaf, as it were, astir on the tree, not a ripple upon the surface of shining pool-- his silence, in the mind of the unlettered sage, is the ideal attitude and conduct of life... To maintain silence is the cornerstone of good character." - Ohiyesa of the Santee Sioux

"Silence was meaningful to the Lakota, and his granting a space of silence before talking was done in the practice of true politeness and regardful of the rule that "thought comes before speech."
And in the midst of sorrow, sickness, death or misfortune of any kind, and in the presence of notable and great, silence was the mark of respect. More powerful than words was silence with the Lakota. His strict observance of this tenet of good behavior was the reason, no doubt, for his being given the false characterization by the white man of being stoic. He has been judged to be dumb, stupid, indifferent, and unfeeling.
As a matter of truth, he was the most sympathetic of men, but his emotions of depth and sincerity were mixed with self-control Silence means to the Lakota what it meant to Disraeli when he said, "Silence is the mother of truth." for the silent man was ever to be trusted, while the man ever ready with speech was never taken seriously." - Chief Luther Standing Bear of the Teton Sioux

I love to sit in silence, listening for the whisper of wind in the trees or the soft sound of falling snowflakes. There have been nights on my back deck where I sit in contemplation and hear the flapping of bat wings as they eat bugs around the barn light. I will greatly miss this while we live in the city. God, I sure hope this is REALLY temporary. My spirit wilts when I'm fenced in... I pray my journey will someday lead to the wilds of Montana.

Reality...

I think, therefore I exist,
I breathe, therefore I am alive,
I bleed, therefore I know pain,
I laugh, therefore I remain hopeful,
I need, therefore I am human.

~ PW

To be limited by flesh and blood mortality is a challenge to all. There is a deep hunger in us that seeks to be filled and so we try all sorts of things and hook-up with all kinds of people in order to find fulfillment. Lessons are learned and we react to life in one of two ways:

1) We reject ourselves, focusing on percieved flaws and wallowing in guilt and shame. We constantly reinvent ourselves in hopes of finding just the right lifestyle formula (job, church, mate, car, house) to feel happy, earn more acceptance from others and convince God not to burn us up. We remember our shortcomings, often doing penance through great deeds and sacrifices in order to prove to ourselves and to God that we are good.

2) We accept that we are weak, imperfect beings and love ourselves anyway. We view our mistakes as learning experiences and are not afraid to move on, trying different things and weighing out many thought processes. We come to realize that in order to love our neighbors, we must first embrace ourselves. We relax into our existence and enjoy living.

I ask, which of these two approaches is most healthy? God gave us minds and He wants us to use them. We should not be spoon-fed our beliefs, blindly accepting whatever we are taught. We must ask, seek and knock in order to gain truth. We must read, pray and weigh things out for ourselves. Sometimes, we may reach incorrect conclusions, but Grace allows us the opportunity to explore our faith. God is not impressed with our martyrdom. We cannot force His hand to bless us. He loves because that is Who He is. He forgives and saves, because He is merciful- not because we earn it.

Life is too short to constantly feel bad about ourselves and be down on others. I do not believe this is the will of God. Either He is big enough to save us from ourselves or He isn't. There is no middle ground. That is the reality I am facing... I choose to believe God can handle my sin and change my heart. I choose to relax and live my life abundantly.

Go Figure!

To all my readers: I'm not perfect, okay and I'm the first to admit it. I make mistakes everyday. I'm just a lady on a journey and I do not perfectly live out what I have learned. (Who does?)

Apparently, "Ro" is a real person who claims his first comment was meant as sincere not as sarcastic. Sometimes when you read a comment from someone you don't know, it can sound either way. I'm a fiesty girl who is on the defensive right now. I am painfully aware of my shortcomings. There have been more than enough people wanting to bestow their wisdom upon us- usually by telling us how we are doing things ALL wrong and offering us cute little cliche statements that amount to a hill of beans when you are feeling devastated. Not a great way to help people who are down to tell them they are on the wrong path or being stubborn. Anyway, my response to Ro was meant to set a boundary while being somewhat humorous, as for all practical purposes it seemed he was a flamer- if I for a moment thought he was legit, I would never have responded to him in that way. (I deleted several nonsense comments lately that are not worth repeating- from bloggers I don't know and spammers.) If Ro is a genuine person, then I welcome him.

Anyone can disagree with me on this blog as long as it's done respectfully- and many have. I am open to a variety of opinions...

One Step at A Time...

Our house sold! We won't come out with tons of equity, but that's to be expected since we only lived here 2 yrs. Jay has been driving a 1985 auto for 2 yrs now- it's literally falling apart. We've come out far enough ahead to get a new (used) vehicle, start our savings toward a future home-building project and give a large chunk to our Producer over in Nashville. Yes, we are moving forward with our CD! Pieces of the puzzle seem to be falling into place.... slowly, but surely....

Gave our chickens away to the neighbors and they wished us well. Found out, in addition to the racoons and possums that were killing our hens outside, two chicken hawks found a way into our barn and were wiping out the chickens inside! Smart critters! Though I don't like what they were doing, I do respect their intelligence in figuring out how to perch on the side of the barn, squeeze through a small gap between the wall and the roof to get in and feed. Amazing!! We won't have chickens again until we are able to build a home in the country and a proper barn to house them. Chalk this lot up to experience.

Gave my notice at the YMCA today- my last day there will be Feb 2. We will be renting a house in GA until we get back on our feet financially. It's in town (big sigh) but only temporary. I will cut way back on my hours, or perhaps not even work after we move. Hate to switch the kids schools halfway through the year AGAIN, but that's unavoidable.

The Praise Dance recital went very well. We did 2 songs: 'Come Holy Spirit' and 'In this Sanctuary'. My husband- who tends to be very unemotional came up hugging me in tears afterward saying, "That was so beautiful Baby, I was sure blessed by that ministry. You girls did a great job". He was not the only one, so we feel that strongholds were broken that night in the name of The Lord. Of course, there were a few 'holier than thous' totally offended by our slow, worshipful routines, graceful arm movements and SLOW, conservative songs, but I guess that's always to be expected. Can't please everyone. My question to these people is always, "When did God make YOU an authority over the Bible?" The Bible repeatedly talks about praising the Lord in the dance. Miriam danced, David danced, it's likely that Jesus Himself, being of Jewish heritage also danced. There is NO sin in movement- those who can't separate Holy dance from sexual club dancing are no experts!! So, I'm totally continuing this activity- unless God Himself speaks to my heart, I will continue to lift my hands and praise Him in this way. Not sure where I am with the whole religious thing- still sorting it out. The things I've witnessed/experienced the past 2 years have really BLOWN my mind in that respect and have reshaped my thinking. People can claim to be Christian, but actions can show otherwise. The wounds go deep and I'm sick of people saying we have no right to feel anger. When they say that- it's a slap in the face. In essence they are saying, "You shouldn't have any feelings. You have no rights. Snap to it and forget all about it." This is highly insensitive. It's kinda hard to "forget all about it" when you have to live with the results of their mistreatment on a daily basis. I can be angry about what happened without hating anyone. Yes, it's possible! The Bible says, "Be angry, but do not sin". Here's what I've learned recently:

1) Being Christian gives NO right to judge or condemn people who don't think like you.
2) Being Christian doesn't mean you have a right to exert your influence/control over others.
3) Being a Christian doesn't mean you have all the answers.
4) Being Christian doesn't mean being preachy all the time.
5) Being Christian doesn't mean you won't suffer- even if you pay a faithful tithe. There are NO guarantees in this life for Christians or non-Christians. Sunlight and rain fall on the Godly and Ungodly alike.

PS. "Ro Hunter" and anyone else who wants to leave nasty, negative little comments just out of the blue, I will not take you seriously. I will delete you- so don't waste your time! I don't mind people respectfully disagreeing with me, but ignorance and backhanded comments are not welcome here. Go chase yourself!

Thought Provoking Poetry...

Don't look for the flaws as you go through life;
and even when you do find them
It is wise and kind to be somewhat blind,
and look for the virtue behind them
For the cloudiest night has a hint of light
Hope somewhere in shadow is hiding
It is better by far to hunt for a star
than the spots on the sun abiding.

The world will never adjust itself
to suit every whim to the letter
Some things may go wrong your whole life long,
and the sooner you know it the better.
It is folly to struggle with the Infinite,
and go under at last while you wrestle
The wiser ones shape unto God's plan,
as the water shapes into the vessel.

My Daddy wrote a letter- not to me but to my husband. This is a RARE thing. I can count on one hand the number of letters I have ever received from my Dad over the years so this is BIG. His letter packet included a book and this old poem. Author is unknown. I really like it though and of course it's special to finally hear something from my Dad during this trial.
Folks, it's no exaggeration to say that our lives have been a terrible struggle, all but completely unsettled the last 14 yrs following the radio ministry all over the country and the various challenges that brought. However, the last 5 yrs took the cake! Anything that could go wrong did and now we're moving AGAIN! We tried so hard to 'Count it all joy', but eventually you get worn down to nothing and the effort taxes an exhausted mind, body and spirit until it can no longer make the choice to be hopeful. We know what it feels like to be stretched to the breaking point and held there.

Last night on my way to work I cried. Evenings used to be a special gathering time for us over the years- even when Jay couldn't be home, the kids and I would read or tell stories, watch a movie, play games or sit by the fire. Now because of my crazy work schedule, I miss out on that a lot. I pounded the steering wheel and shouted to God, "What do you want from us? Tell us and we'll do it, but You've got to give us some kind of indication what Your plan for us is and help something work out in our favor. I can't live this way any longer!" A sense of calm came over me- I cannot describe it except to say that I suddenly felt quite warm inside and calm- my anger and frustration evaporated. The Voice that speaks inside me said, "Wait just a little longer... I'm not done with you or Jay. I still have a purpose for you and I will bring things to pass for your good." (I still feel a sense of peace.)
Our house is for sale- take a virtual tour of our property here: https://osa.prudentialproperties.com/id/start.aspx?photos=1&propid=214R000129377#tblPhotos We like this place, just can't afford it without killing ourselves to pay for it, so it must go. We are currently in serious negotiations with one of several potential buyers right now, but had NO IDEA where to go from here. Obviously because of our current financial situation we aren't coming out with much equity, so our options were quite limited. When I got home last night, my man told me that we now have a place to rent down in Georgia and that he will be working in greater capacity with a businessman we know and trust. This means, we will have a lot more money and I won't have to work- or at least not so many hours away from home. Still don't have all the answers, but this is definitely a step in the right direction!!!!!!!!

Accomplishment

"In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake, but by what you finally accomplish." - Donald Trump

Easy for him to say- he's richer, more powerful and successful by far than many of us will ever be. In worldly terms he's a real giant of achievement. Truly, he worked his way up and deserves to enjoy his accomplishment.

Sometimes I feel like all I'll ever do is try and never succeed. As life drifts by year after year, I am beginning to realize that perhaps I will never accomplish any of my dreams. In a spiritual sense, I'm glad I'm not graded by God on how much I accomplish.

I still think that in this life we have a warped sense of success. The man with the most toys and the biggest bank account still dies. How many times we laughed, played and danced upon the earth and passionately caring for the people in our lives is more important in my book.

Native Wisdom: Good -vs- Evil

A Native American Elder was trying to describe the struggle between good and evil here on earth to his young Grandson.

"Good is a bear, evil is a wolf and the two are always fighting to decide who is stronger" said the Elder.

"Which one will win, Grandfather?" Asked the child.

To which the Grandfather replied, "The one you feed."