Just so you know, I've had limited time & access for blogging. Hope to be up and running again soon. We are out of the boarding house and living in a Duplex now, so at least we have our own space. Not sure if we are going to stay together or not. Life has a way of killing joy, love, passion. Martina McBride puts it this way, "No love can survive for long like this, when you're standing on a bridge that's always burning..." All I have ever craved has been some sort of stability. Instead I've moved every 2 years my entire life, chaos has been the main course, and I have always felt like an expendable side-item to my husband. He says he wants me in his life, and he will make promises and put forth effort for a short time, then it's back to the same ol'. I am a nurturer- or at least I was before the most recent storm hit- now I have this incredible numbness inside. I am angry and grieving. I am alone. Terribly alone. Most of the time I feel strong. I'm still smiling and the people at work probably don't have a clue how I'm feeling inside. I am pretty-much invisible at this point.
I'm doing okay. My world has fallen apart. I am coping the best way I know how- staying busy, working out and trying to keep some semblance of "normal' for the kids. I have lost 30 lbs- which isn't a bad thing. Everything I believed in has been shattered. (I'm not sure I even want to record this part of my journey.) Very painful, extremely lonely and uncertain as to my future.
Make good choices in life, because every choice has consequences- either good or bad. We have to live with the decisions we make or break-away and hope for something better. At this point, I am in limbo as to which path I will choose. I am a lost sheep...
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13 comments:
Hey, sweetie. I look forward to every word, wondering when you'll write again. however, my advice, and I hope you'll take it with a grain of salt is..you need to get outside yourself. Man. Your writing is about your pain, granted, you're in pain. But you are lost in yourself! I hope this resonates. And I DO HOPE things brighten.
Blessings
I am so sorry, tis has been the roughest year of my life as well... hang in there. 30lbs? WOW congrats!!
So glad to hear from you - been wondering how you were. I'm so sorry things have been so tough. I'll pray for you.
I know this may not be what you want to hear--but God is with you in every moment. Even when the shit hits the fan, God is there. Though things seems like they're falling apart all around you, just rest easy in him.
My prayers are with you, TL.
Hi Trailady,
Truly glad to hear from you after such a long gap in between.
Your God and our all prayers are always with you, like past this tough & hard time will also past soon and God will reward you much more than of your expectations. Its just an exam and as you special to God He is giving you bit more hard time so that He can reward you much more then others.
Take care of yourself n your family.
Love you loads...
Samrina
Nothing wrong wtih being a lost sheep--seems our Savior has a special concern for the one stray sheep... Hang in there.
I know so many Christians in your same situation. So many many relationships are under attack it is shocking. It is very difficult when one loses hope. You have many encouraging blog readers (see above) let them and the Word and the Cross help you to a place of hope.
Been thinking about you.
Its good to hear from you.
Its such a sense of loss when you feel like everything you believed in your whole life is gone - that everything wasn't ever real. When your spiritual ground is pulled out from under you, and then shatters. And shatters is such a perfect word. So many little pieces that will never be what it once was, even if repaired. I don't know if its a deeper level of loss, or just a different level, but its like nothing else. Its ok to be numb. And its ok to focus on yourself. Invisible is ok too. And its ok to be quiet.
I remember feeling that way at work. If they only knew what was going on in my head. If they could see me at home. I had a very nice "suit" I wore to work. No one could see me.
I am very sorry about your marriage. It is so hard. Even a horrible marriage is hard to leave, and I know that yours was a very good one. Which is so hard, I can't imagine.
Which ever path you choose, or if you choose no path at all, or are just quiet - know that people are thinking and caring about you.
Namaste
and
Brightest Blessings
One of the most “underrated” sufferings is that of loneliness. How you can even be in a room full of people but still be parched with loneliness, immeasurable suffering, we are designed for relationships with God and other humans. When these relationships are not on the proper foundation they get broken but they can also be on the proper foundation and be attacked by vicious storms which can inflict great hurt.
When I am disappointed with relationships in my life I think of how Jesus friends and family continually let Him down. Abandoning Him at the times of His greatest needs, thinking He was mad, one day throwing a parade for Him then a few days later calling for His execution, etc. I also think what am I contributing to this? Maybe things are ok but I need to look at it with “different eyes”. Maybe I can try something new within this relationship and make things better. I try to keep my eyes on Jesus.
You are in my thoughts and my intentions.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" Dr. Wayne Dyer
I wish I could just sit down with you for a cup of tea and chat and give you a big old hug. I would you know....
Trailady more people should know about your blog and of course wonderful you so I have tagged you. To learn what you have to do visit my blog http://lifeontheblade.blogspot.com/
never never give up HOPE. just hangin there. Things will brighten up before you can realize. Will pray for you.
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