The Plans of Mice and Men...

My man and I were up late several nights this week making an honest assessment of our situation and heavily discussing options- some of which are pretty bleak. The job we came all this way hoping he could start in April or May has not yet materialized. We are running out of time.... and strength. It dawned on us this week that perhaps time apart is what both of us need.

We got married quite young and due to the nature of his up-bringing/education, he feels he was unable to take time to figure out who he really is. Bottom line? He does not love himself, but how can you if you don't know who you are or what you want?? Jay still doesn't know these answers, or how to get there. He's slow to process things and has always been somewhat disconnected from, or unable to express his feelings. His mantra over the years has been, "I'm overwhelmed". He may need some time to himself to figure things out. We've been apart before- early on- and when we got back together things were much better for both of us. Now I may be Summering elsewhere with the kids while he puts the pieces of his puzzle together. NOT an easy thing to do and we've laid out a "fleece" before God about this. Sometimes love means letting go for a while. I care about this man and want what's best for him. It hurts to realize that I may not be what he needs. Reflecting on the past 14 yrs together and the many challenges we have faced, I cannot see what good- if any I have been for him. Yes, I've been a constant, caring presence in his life, but I've also been a drain on his shortage of time, energy and resources. My body presented him with mouths to feed before he felt ready to provide.

Oh, the plans of mice and men....

The question we are both asking at this time? Is it possible to thoughtfully and prayerfully make a life decision and still make a mistake? Does God always honor earnest effort or does He allow us to reach dead-ends for a reason?? The next step for us is homelessness... now what??
Being an optimist doesn't come without it's own set of challenges. I'm a dreamer- a risk taker, but looking back over the track record of my life, I'm not exactly sure that has been a plus. I love the song 'Anyway' by Martina McBride. AWESOME!! She sang it live on American Idol last night. :o)

I was raised to believe that if you love God, if you place every plan before Him and consult Heaven before making your moves, then your footsteps will always be sure, that God will bless and prosper you. I do feel blessed & prospered. My spirit grows while I feel the world around me is collapsing. It is the strangest of feelings. I am grateful for God's interest in my spiritual journey, but I'd like to see His hand in other areas of my life. What about my relationship, financial picture and future. What about the futures of our children??

For now, my goal must be to continue putting one foot in front of the other, finding the courage to smile and sing. My faith and resolve are being severely tested...