Something has Changed...

For most of my life, I watched helplessly as one thing after another fell apart. The last 5 yrs were intense. I was tired- plain & simple. It's been one big roller-coaster ride since I was 5 yrs old. Not easy to cope when your parents divorce twice in 6 yrs- both re-marrying a year later. Lived in poverty much of my childhood. Try navigating that emotional mine-field without any real guidance. Or how 'bout raising 4 kids with no family around to help and a man who works 12-16 hr days for over a decade of your marriage? Any takers??

Dealing with the nonsense from a chemically imbalanced mother and an emotionally vacant father has been no picnic. Combine all that with feeling constant pressure from the church to force myself to be something I'm not. It was a huge burden to carry and pushed me toward the edge.

My husband ignored the warning signs at work- refused to look for any other kind of job and ended up fired with no back-up plan. We lost the farm and our beautiful house. I lost a growing music career, my ministry and 5 amazing friends. He ignored my pleas for time with him and all the warning signs in our marriage until I was fed up and ready to walk.

Some people up here felt sorry for us. Stayed in their boarding house 'til we could find jobs and a place to live. (an interesting experience all the way around) Jay worked as a cable installer for a while. Decided to go back to school and try a new direction. A friend eventually pulled some strings and helped him get a job as a medical equipment supplier with reasonable hours.

I found work almost immediately upon arrival. Resigned several months later, due to some wierdness that was going on. (Sorry, but drama in the workplace? I don't play that!) Applied for Front Desk job at the 'W', but when they looked over my resume they hired me in management. So here I am and despite the occasional frustrations, I'm lovin' it!!

So many big changes in rapid-fire succession left me numb & angry inside. I have literally moved all over the country with 4 small children in tow. I refuse to be bitter and don't want to burden other people with a bunch of whining. So I've worked through it all the best way I know how- express feelings in a blog and workout hard to handle the anger.

This week, something broke. Found myself sobbing for a good long time- just letting go... of my friends, my dreams, my culture and the life I was trying to have. It is what it is. Time to buck-up and deal with it. My worst fear all along is that I will end up being like my Mother. Divorced, alone, unemployed and pathetic- SO much drama. Unlike her, I'm not Bi-polar/Schizo- if I was, I'd stay on the medicine so I could function normally.

I'm educated and reasonably mature, can hold down a job for years at a time. I tend to make better choices. She always bailed the minute things got hard- no coping skills. That's NOT me. If I have any fault it's that I don't know when to let go. (I did let go of the YMCA though- yeah- that was a good move!)
Depression tried to bring me down- ain't happenin'- kicked that to the curb. So I've made my choice. Wasn't hard. Not like I had/have many other options. I want to be able to stick with the promise I made.

I've never known security or stability. Not sure I'd recognize it- even if it hit me in the face! Moved every 1-2 yrs my entire life- sometimes more than once a year. The constant changes meant I've never had any real sense of community. The church was a POOR substitute for having a real family. Guess the saying still holds true that blood is thicker than water. In other words, only your real family will love you like family. I simply had the misfortune of being born into a family that- for the most part, didn't give a darn. Scattered all across the country and rarely kept in touch or got together... Put myself out there for years trying to connect, but it made no difference. Movin' on...

The biggest mistake all along has been looking to other people (including my parents) for approval. In the midst of the chaos in my life, I've learned to respect myself. I like me- so ya better treat me right! Anyone negative or controlling can GO! (Partly why I'm no longer in church.) It's their God-given duty to get in your business, they want to change people. For all the self-righteous talk of love & charity, they will kick you when you're down. Been there, done that- too many times. Over it!! Yeah I forgive, but those wounds will always be there. (Thanks for the memories!)

Jay is still here. That's the closest thing to security I've known. He's been doing his "homework" and claims he is treating me better. He has apologized repeatedly for some of the poor decisions he made over the years and for neglecting our relationship. He's trying to change for the better. A strong woman needs a stronger man. Not being difficult- that's just the way it is!

Call me stupid, pathetic, say what you will. I still believe in him. Someday, despite the sheltered life he led growing up, he will be a strong, confident MAN who knows his own mind. (I hope) If I were to leave him now, it would shatter him and splinter the family we have made.
I've definitely done my share of thinking. Maybe I'm breaking through to the other side...

So, I fell asleep in his arms last night watching Football.