A Woman's Heart...

A woman's heart is a mystery- sometimes even to herself. We are deep, complex beings capable of giving a cold stare that will stop a man in his tracks or an embrace that will melt the hardest of hearts. A woman's soul is a treasure, one which needs to be dealt with firmly but equally as gentle. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking you ever have completely won her heart. A women is to be pursued and charmed all the days of her life by acts of kindness. She craves romance and little gestures that let her know she is still your heart's desire.
The biggest mistake men make is in believing they no longer have to work at the relationship. To let little opportunities to express some thought and consideration pass by.

When I was a younger lady, I was quite lonely. I went dateless to most events my teen years. I sorta had a sweetheart, but he did not attend my school. My first love was a blonde farm-boy who was never too busy to take some time out to have a little fun on the farm when I was home on weekends. We used to laugh until our sides ached. He really was my best friend. After 2 yrs of official dating, I decided I was going away to college and broke things off. There were many reasons why a union between us for life may not have worked. He was a shy guy, still living at home with low self-esteem and shy- I always had to make the first move for conversation. My Dad didn't spend much time with me growing up- I never felt very important to him, so I viewed myself as unworthy of pursuit. The man I have shared over half of my life with is with me largely because I chased him down. I did a lot of things to show my interest. Letters, poems, creative dating. Much of the effort was unreturned or seemed unappreciated. I was so in love with being in love that I didn't seem to notice that our coversations were mostly one-sided and I was somewhat taken for granted. So, I set the pace in the relationship from the get-go. Then was caught up in the excitement of having children. They are so precious to me! I wish I could've had more, but after loooong labors and failed attempts, well 4 C-sections is more than any woman needs. Besides, you gotta have money to feed them all and 4 is more than enough. Jay was/is a nice guy and a good Dad. We have learned a lot together.

I read a quote from my 'Native American Wisdom' book that said, "The indian does not understand the ways of the white man. It makes no sense to stay with someone if you are no longer happy. Why do white men believe this is the way? If we were to live together unhappy and disagree, we should be as foolish as the whites. " Interesting cultural perspective. The Bible says that "God hates divorce but that He allows it because of the hardness of our hearts". Is a heart so easily moved by the beauty that surrounds me hard?

At this point in life, I'm asking so many questions. Sometimes my heart feels such doubt as to whether I am truly capable of staying in a life-long relationship. What happens when you are completely worn out or bored? Then what?? It's been 3 long yrs of hell for us. God, if You are ever going to come through for us- NOW would be a great time.... We are both tired & drained of joy. I believe my husband is capable of great things, but he is much like his mother was with a hesitant, negative view of life. He does not often pursue love or make it a priority. He says this is because he's just "too overwhelmed by life". Will he ever bust the rut he's in? Will I ever find the magic button by which to unleash his passion? He has told me many times that he is not the man I need. Sometimes I stay awake at night pondering these things. He needs me now more than ever, but deep in my heart, I know the doubts I have. 14 yrs is a long time to be with one person, but I do not consider it a waste. I've learned so much. Is there a point though, where you outgrow a relationship? Can you journey only so far with one person? Do you ignore your own needs for those of your children? Is it birth parents staying together until their dying day that they need to see or a healthy, functional relationship modeled before them??

Dating can be misleading. Fueled by movies & sappy songs, both parties put their best foot forward and the very fact that you are in love places blinders over the eyes. Our very chemistry betrays us. Some uncover reality sooner than others. I thought I was marrying a leader, an athlete and a guy with a great sense of humor. Instead I found that I had promised myself to a guy who was unsure of himself and indecisive most of the time. He hates to sweat and tends to be very serious. He said he felt deceived because he thought I liked to do dishes & housework. Truth is, I do, but not as often or to the extent that he does & not if the effort is criticized or constantly goes unnoticed. Work was his top priority- a fact he says he recognizes and wants to change, but will he? I now view myself as worth pursuing, but there is little-to-no initiative on his part.. He says "romance is for the wealthy", but I'm not asking for flowers or diamonds. Just be a friend, join me in some of the things I love. Talk to me as if you are genuinely interested in who I am. It costs nothing to offer to walk the dog around the block with me and have a conversation, to dream, to laugh. It costs nothing to take an interest in my hobbies. Ride bikes with me, play a game, read to me, or let me share my thoughts. Am I that uninteresting??

In the midst of hardship, I still want/need to laugh, to cuddle, to connect. We may have lost everything, but I am still here and I feel completey invisible. I'm trying to be patient, but it's going to be a while until he finds himself. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart...