"What a fine comedy this world would be if one did not play a part in it!" - Denis Diderot
Wow- isn't that true?! Painful experiences and challenging events happen- it's a fact of life here on earth. We cannot always choose what is written into the pages of our lives. There remains a hope for me that someday all that has been hurtful, I will remember while rolling my eyes and grinning. I am quite prone to taking myself, my life, my feelings a little too seriously at times. There are so many facets of me. At work I am upbeat, outgoing and fun- I love to help people. At home, I am more reserved and thoughtful, but always ready for a good joke, a snuggle or some slow-dancing in the living room to my favorite songs. On my blog I am often quiet Melancholy- that is the artistic part of me that examines everything and ponders the ways of God and the purpose of our existence.
It is the end of a very long & busy week. I've had ZERO quality time with my man and very little with the kids. There were several times when I called my man and got cut off so he could talk to someone else. (Okay- who's priority here?) When I work such long hours, most of my time at home is spent trying to catch my breath, rest my foot, return phone calls and catch up with chores. I refuse to lose the sense of self that God has breathed into existence recently, so I have to make time to write, contemplate and pray about what I am learning & feeling.
I can't live like this forever- Jay may be able to do without spending much time with me, but I need quality time and lots of it! God knows this- why has He allowed our circumstances to be so chronically messed up? Jay is feeling rejected and has no sense of direction after his career ended so abruptly. He is restless and hurting- which hurts me. He doesn't say much, he just stays busy or sleeps. The kids aren't blind, they see our pain and it frustrates them.
Life stirs up passion in us and a desire for each other in the innocence of youth. We commit our lives to one another- we want to be together, hearts are on fire thinking we can outwit, outlast and outlove all those who ever tried & failed at marriage. Then, reality hits and for the rest of our lives we cannot seem to connect? We were always together or talking on the phone during our courtship. Literally, when I married him, I felt like I lost him- hardly saw him our first year of marriage as he devoted himself entirely to his studies. Then the kids came along. I love them dearly, but I've had to share him with them. They are top priority for him- I think I'm a close second. Perhaps if I felt like I was first, I would have more to give the children emotionally because my cup was full?
I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm trying to become more realistic in my expectations and make the most of what I've got to work with. Reality is, Jay is a nice guy and I've just barely scratched the surface of what it means to love. Sometimes, I don't know if I want to go any deeper than the romance phase if the "settling in phase" means feeling bored or ignored most of the time. Traditionally, we eat supper at Ryan's at the end of the week. Tonight as I sat there with my family, I looked around at all the smiling old couples. I can't help but wonder how many trials they have overcome together? What deep strength do they possess in order to stay together and find happiness? More than anything, I want to be faithful and to love more deeply. My own weaknesses are daunting.
If only I could unlock or describe the passion that is within me for living, loving and laughter. I think we both just want to connect- to feel alive again, instead of dull and unappreciated.
We recently saw a wonderful movie- an allegory about human relationships both male/female and parent/child. 'The Lakehouse' stars Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock. (Two of my favorites) They are soul-mates who are trapped in two different times. He is in 2004, she is in 2006. They want desperately to connect, but everything seems to stand in the way. I could totally relate to the film because I often feel the space between my heart and those I love is insurmountable. Sometimes I feel like a little bird beating against the glass pane of the window to their souls. I can see in, but can't quite break through and I'm not sure anyone wants to let me in. How many times can one beat against this invisible, but very real barrier until falling lifelessly to the ground? Is there some strange and wonderful magic that will come into play, renewing the flames that have burned so low??
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6 comments:
no- no magic cure. it is life that has gotten in the way of romance. jay sounds depressed- and so do you. i am certainly no expert in personal lives that aren't mine. all i know is that you have to work with what you have. this is the life that you and your husband have chosen- so you have to work with it and make it better. situational depression clouds life and makes things seem hopeless. i don't know how you all feel about meds or at the very least marriage counseling but it might help. your god wants people to help and support each other- as john donne said- "no man is an island." sometimes we here in america forget that because we are independent people. hopefully, things will be better for you all. it sounds like you all want your family and partnership to remain intact. sometimes it just needs fine tuning.
Hi Betmo! Thanks for stopping by. You are absolutely right. Depression has been very real for us. We both took Zoloft last year. He said he didn't feel any different, but I thought he was more relaxed. He quit taking it after only 3 months. I was on it for 8 months. It did numb the sadness, but also my ability to feel joy. Honestly, I have considered taking something else to see if it works any better.
Medication is taboo for a lot of people, but in many cases it is necessary to help people cope.
Our options are somewhat limited at this time because we no longer have insurance...
Meds are a no-where road! Meds don't work, but they create dependency. They have almost unbearable side effects. I always steer people away from drugs.
if there is a genuine biological need for medical treatment, how can you turn someone away? medication isn't for everyone and not every medication works the same in all people. situational depression often subsides when stressors are lessened and there is counseling. the counselors generally work with the patients to decide what therapy is necessary. there is solid scientific basis for medications and psychotherapeutic interventions. there are also many alternatives available.
I definitely think there's a time for meds. My mother only functions well when she's on medication. Without it, she can be quite fearful, paranoid and irritable.
St. John's Wort really helps me with the sleep factor right now. That was what started my depression- the fact that I couldn't sleep anymore. It's hard to take things in stride when you're completely exhausted.
I take one capsule around 8pm and by 10 I'm ready to sleep. Without insurance, it's hard to pay for any prescriptions. I feel we need to see a therapist about some of the kinks in our relationship, but I have NO idea where to go that wouldn't cost us an arm and a leg.
Everything always seems to boil down to money and the lack thereof. I definitely think our depression is situational. When I'm at work, I can forget about it for a while and I'm actually quite upbeat. The weight of our situation settles back onto my shoulders as I drive home.
This too shall pass... I hope...
I'm lookin' for the reference to the film, scrolling down and scrolling down. Whew1 I found it. This movie has a strange premise (2006 & 2004) and now I'll just have to see it after reading this.
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