The same open-hearted nature that allows me to share my deepest feelings and convictions, also renders me extremely vulnerable to tears at times. Today, I had a hard cry. It was cleansing- felt very good- after the fact. I'm cold inside, but trying to let go of so many hurts. The absence of any real relationship with either of my birth parents... the strained connections with my siblings... the flash-memories of assault... the canyon that I often feel stands between my man & I... the pain of being misunderstood and mistreatment on the part of the church... the dying hope that any of my/our dreams will ever come true for this family. I laid alone in my bed today and let the hurt come pouring out. Eventually Jay noticed I wasn't around and came in to see what was wrong. He listened. Didn't say much, but that's what I like about him when I'm hurting. I don't need people to tell me what to think, how to feel or how to fix the problem. I simply need someone to hear me. I figure things out on my own eventually...
I am strangely predictable, yet a mystery. I cannot describe the heart in me- except to say that it is largely comprised of scar tissue from many wounds & when a spouse works in ministry, who can you talk to? So here I am posting in this forum, trying to think out loud and make sense of it all. I am tired of struggle. Ready to find joy again. I don't like the role of being needy. I like to be the strong one who helps others. When, oh when will that day come again? I told my husband that I understand why people do dumb things when they are hurting. Life has a way of making us numb inside. I want to feel alive again! Sometimes when people are desperate they do foolish things in hopes that they can feel- something- anything but cold. I think God understands this. Not excusing any bad behavior, but He knows why we do the things we do and offers forgiveness when, in a blind frenzy we mess up. This whole process of sorting out life is quite humbling.
Not sure where I fit in this life or what my purpose is beyond Motherhood and being a wife. Perhaps this is my early mid-life crisis? LOL Jay let me know this past week that although he appreciates my earnings, he prefers me to be at home instead of working. (Actually, I like earning money, but I prefer staying home too. It suits my nature to be here for my family. I love to cook and clean. There is simply too much nonsense to deal with out there and a weary mind cannot handle the stress and all the stupid headgames.) Here's hoping he can find a job that pays enough for me to stay home... then I can get back to what I love most- spending time with my family & critters, homeschooling, writing poems, stories, articles and songs.
No luck so far. We've had several showings of our house now, but no offers. There is one idea that sits on the back-burner of our minds and if nothing else works out for us here, we may pursue it. We'll see...
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2 comments:
One of the many paradoxes of life in modern society is women in the work place.
We all know the benefits the wages of two career people can bring into a household. But they raise the ante ...
1) Larger mortgage, larger home, can one afford to give-up working?
2) Two cars, and xtra holidays the plus side, but even less actual time together the downside
3) Career choices, when to have children, can we afford time off work, can we afford a nanny
There is never such a thing as the best time to have children - those who have them later might have more time to build economic 'security' - and those who have them earlier have more energy and can start their careers later.
But it is the two career professional that have raised the expectations and pressures on the rest of us. In Britain we live in a society where you need two incomes to even consider joining the housing ladder - unless you benefit from handouts or inherit property from family (relatives).
They have also raised expectations for the rest in terms of cars, schooling of children, holidays,...
and thus people are chasing their own tails trying to enjoy a little of the above, ie: the exotic holiday - only to return from what should have been two weeks of bliss, to find the reality does not follow, the holiday was stressful (all the other problems in life: career, mortgage) cannot be left behind, and what is worse you then have to pay the money you borrowed on your credit cards, yo create the illusion of achievement, at high interest
Two professionals on £50,000 each ($80,000) a year,canoot and should not set the economic agenda or social standards for those living on lower income, or One income.
They are the ones that are guilty of making the others unfulfilled or less successful. Success and fulfillment cannot and should not be measured by their standards
Amen, preach it Quasar! I whole-heartedly agree with you. Life will get as complex as we allow it to. We are in the process of simplifying and detoxifying our lives.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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