Beautiful Comes from the Heart...

My mother loved me, but was very critical at times. She was often picking out my worst features or my weight, or telling me how ugly my hair looked. (I was pale with reddish hair.) We didn't have much money, I was short and the "ugly duckling" during most of my schooling. I pretty-much believed whatever nastiness other people said about me- messages that play repeatedly in my head.

Then I married. He's not perfect, but he does think I'm beautiful and has never ceased to tell me so. His pet names for me are 'Shining Eyes' and 'Pretty Mama'.. At first when he would call me these things I'd just roll my eyes and think "how corny". But I think he is getting through to me? I still have days when I feel like a toad, but most of the time I'm feeling better about myself. I guess this is part of growing up? It is a mystery to me how recently, during the hardest time of my life, people tell me I look radiant. They ask me what skin care regimen I'm doing. Well, I'm not doing anything special, I just feel different inside. All the stress of our current situation weighs heavily on me- it's overwhelming, but inside I have this sense of peace- this vibrant warmth no words can describe. My heart is growing. I believe God loves me, He accepts me as His daughter and thinks I'm beautiful. It really helps to know this when everything you've tried to build comes crashing down around your feet. I want so much more for my children! We need to laugh, play and delight in being a family. I look at this recent photo and see that my countenance has changed. I look older, but a bit wiser too.

This morning, we slept in a little. Hubby and I spent 2 hrs talking and venting our frustrations. I cried a bit. We are both worn out. Gut level honesty and communication are important features of any relationship and we did not hold back. We talked about the reasons we got married, the challenges we are facing and how much we've both changed over the last 14 yrs. (I was still a teenager when we married) We have considered a trial separation, but that's not what either of us want. We want to hold this thing together, but how do you when circumstances dictate that you so rarely see each other? I need romance and intimacy- virtually impossible when you are both working so hard and barely scraping by. Quality time together is extremely important to me- not a high a priority for him, but he knows that in order for this marriage to survive now he is going to invest more time in the relationship.

Anyway, at the end of our long talk, he was leaning against the headboard looking up at the ceiling, I just laid my head quietly against his chest and he stroked my hair as if I were a little girl. It was comforting. I have been humbled by the gravity of living and the reality of my limitations. This is not all bad. Somehow it helps to know I'm not alone- though I do not celebrate the fact that my man suffers with me. I felt close to him today and this encouraged me. Whether we stay together or part ways in the future, I owe him a lot. I have gained so much from being in this relationship. Nothing learned is a waste of time. Despite his shortcomings and mine, he gave me 4 beautiful children and has helped me learn to love myself. That's a miracle for which I am grateful.