Things are going well with my job. :o) I've literally doubled my hours this month- 'bout time! Since I've been building such momentum, it would be a shame to leave and go to PA for the Summer, so I'm sticking around...
Last night, I was exhausted. Worked a 12 hr day fueled only by a banana, a small bag of Wheat thins and sheer determination to get the job done. When I was done, I went walking by the lake for a little bit. LOVE the lake. I need my alone time. The moon was shining on the water, there was a gentle breeze blowing and a ship was leaving the harbor. Enjoyable! The only thing that would have made it better would have been someone to share the evening with. Hubby worked all day and didn't get back 'til midnight. I waited up for him and we talked. I believe in complete honesty in a relationship and I've had a LOT of stuff going on in my head lately about life, love and other mysteries- however timing is important. He asked how I was doing. I was so tired, I just kinda rambled on. He listened, said a few things of his own, then decided he'd rather sleep on the couch than be with me. So I went down after him, we talked some more and he ended up coming back to bed. Both of us are tired, numb, frustrated and wondering. How could things go SO desperately wrong for two people who only ever played by the rules and tried to do what's right? We have lived according to our conscience, made many sacrifices in the name of God and church. Our dreams are dying. Many of the things that brought us together no longer exist. Music and ministry being the main things. We are financially ruined outcasts now with little hope left for a better future.
Today, when we got up, I apologized- told him that some of what I said was out of fatigue. He was cold and business-like. Then he got online to check our bank account and saw that we had 4 bounced check fees- none were purchases I made. He told me that I should bail on him, that he just can't handle things. (Not sure whether he meant it or not.) Poor guy! Life has really turned on him. He was gone for 2 wks training only to be told he'd have to wait yet another 2 wks before getting a first paycheck. Being a cable installer is only a means to get by- he really doesn't LOVE it.
I'm having a lot of self-doubt right now. Not sure we're any good for each other. We used to balance each other out. When he was down, I was up and vice versa, but when you are both down and you are constantly being told that you are wrong to feel that way- where do you turn for comfort? The churchy people have convinced us that God has abandoned us because we aren't perfect- yet they tell us to turn to Him?? If that's the way God is- a dogmatic, fairweather friend, then no thanks!
I've never been here before. The excitement of new love is long gone, the thrill of building our family is over, many empty promises to change. Passion has pretty-much gone out the window (boarding in someone's house doesn't do much for the libido), our credit is ruined, friends are scarce, faith is weak at best. I finally broke down, called my Dad and was crying on the phone. "Daddy, I'm tired. Some days I feel like I can't possibly go another step." He listened intently and offered a place to stay if we ever needed it- haven't heard from him since and that was 5 wks ago. My children are precious, but I don't want to lean on them. They cannot hold me up. What/who am I supposed to hold on to????
So I fast, exercise HARD, work long hours and hope for some kind of clarity....
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Ranting on Life...
I have worked the closing shift at the YMCA most of the week- which means late nights. The weather has been beautiful- the kind that bids you to stay out and enjoy it. Worked late and then went over to the lake to sit and listen to music while enjoying the scenary. I have a LOT on my mind that I need to sort out right now. Some days I feel so strong and other times vulnerable. Never been like this before and don't know what to make of it...
There are several people who have said, "If you need anything, just ask." But is it not obvious what we need?? We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. Even the well-meaning have nothing left to give it seems. We need someone who can listen and not tell us we're wrong for feeling sad or that we're not "coping properly". I feel like saying, "Spend one week in our shoes and you'll be begging for mercy!" We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. We had a huge community of church-goers in TN. The way gossip gets around, I'm sure that half the population knows what happened, yet so few reached out...
I'd be willing to tough it out and stay here in MI until we're able to get a place of our own, but it almost seems like he WANTS me and the kids to go. Looked at several houses that would've worked for us in a pinch- nothing fancy, but he didn't see them as options. He'd rather us be apart than settle into something like that temporarily. I can't be too upset at him though, both of our minds are reeling right now. I'm still numb inside. There's a part of me right now that would push the restart button on my life if there were such a thing. (Thankfully, I have this blog where I can express myself. This should be quite entertaining to read years down the road, but for now it's seriously difficult.)
We had to get rid of one of our cats yesterday as she couldn't get along with the cat that lives at the boarding house. Now, I'm not a huge cat person, but I do respect/admire them and enjoy having them around. Saying goodbye to Mercy was just another part of life that we had to let go of. I rescued her off the road when she was just a kitten. NOTHING is remotely normal anymore. Hubby was gone all last week, he's been gone this week and he'll be gone part of next week too. The loneliness is agony! I have lost a total of 17 lbs now. Just can't eat- my stomach feels like a rock. The kids are doing well in all this chaos and that's the most important thing to me. I cry when nobody is around to hear. Then I get dressed, do my hair, put on my smile and go to work to perform the whole charade of "Hi, how are you? I'm fine". Love my job, just wish it paid a little better.
A good part on all this is that I'm regaining a healthy sense of self. I've been going out to ride my bike in the early mornings. I hear about a big bike race and may try it. It's beautiful up here with all the fresh air. The Lilacs are in bloom! I'm listening to music that helped get me through hard times when I was younger. The kind that rallies me and helps me find inner strength. Yeah, some Christian stuff, but also Giant, Bon Jovi, Def Leopard, Bryan Adams, Mr. Mister. (Okay, for those wise, all-knowing sages who would like to offer me "helpful" advice about music- don't want to hear it, save your words.) Listening to Christian music right now is like pouring salt in the open wound. God is taking His sweet time up there while every day for us is such a struggle and every night I've been begging with Him to DO something. The church has done very little to help and at this point, I'm upset about that. For all their talk, and wagging fingers- I find that in one of the darkest times of my life they are useless. This is exactly what Jesus condemned in the Pharisees. They ignored the widows, the poor and helpless. No skin off their backs if people were begging, they had nice homes and good seats at the banquet tables. For all their religious piety, they were nothing but hot air.
So, I'm trying to cope in healthy ways and gather strength any way I can. Exercise and secular music. Say what you will but there's a LOT of good writing in some of their stuff. I know myself and where I wanna go in life. Not sure that I can wait around forever while my man decides what he wants and how to get there. (I feel guilty for even feeling this way, but I am passionate and always have been decisive and strong- I need him to be that way too.) He's been pretty uncertain of himself and our relationship for most of our time together. I really don't want to be apart this Summer, but he is giving me NO reason to stay. When push comes to shove, I can do it. I CAN take these 4 kids somewhere else and manage just fine. We'll see what happens...
There are several people who have said, "If you need anything, just ask." But is it not obvious what we need?? We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. Even the well-meaning have nothing left to give it seems. We need someone who can listen and not tell us we're wrong for feeling sad or that we're not "coping properly". I feel like saying, "Spend one week in our shoes and you'll be begging for mercy!" We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. We had a huge community of church-goers in TN. The way gossip gets around, I'm sure that half the population knows what happened, yet so few reached out...
I'd be willing to tough it out and stay here in MI until we're able to get a place of our own, but it almost seems like he WANTS me and the kids to go. Looked at several houses that would've worked for us in a pinch- nothing fancy, but he didn't see them as options. He'd rather us be apart than settle into something like that temporarily. I can't be too upset at him though, both of our minds are reeling right now. I'm still numb inside. There's a part of me right now that would push the restart button on my life if there were such a thing. (Thankfully, I have this blog where I can express myself. This should be quite entertaining to read years down the road, but for now it's seriously difficult.)
We had to get rid of one of our cats yesterday as she couldn't get along with the cat that lives at the boarding house. Now, I'm not a huge cat person, but I do respect/admire them and enjoy having them around. Saying goodbye to Mercy was just another part of life that we had to let go of. I rescued her off the road when she was just a kitten. NOTHING is remotely normal anymore. Hubby was gone all last week, he's been gone this week and he'll be gone part of next week too. The loneliness is agony! I have lost a total of 17 lbs now. Just can't eat- my stomach feels like a rock. The kids are doing well in all this chaos and that's the most important thing to me. I cry when nobody is around to hear. Then I get dressed, do my hair, put on my smile and go to work to perform the whole charade of "Hi, how are you? I'm fine". Love my job, just wish it paid a little better.
A good part on all this is that I'm regaining a healthy sense of self. I've been going out to ride my bike in the early mornings. I hear about a big bike race and may try it. It's beautiful up here with all the fresh air. The Lilacs are in bloom! I'm listening to music that helped get me through hard times when I was younger. The kind that rallies me and helps me find inner strength. Yeah, some Christian stuff, but also Giant, Bon Jovi, Def Leopard, Bryan Adams, Mr. Mister. (Okay, for those wise, all-knowing sages who would like to offer me "helpful" advice about music- don't want to hear it, save your words.) Listening to Christian music right now is like pouring salt in the open wound. God is taking His sweet time up there while every day for us is such a struggle and every night I've been begging with Him to DO something. The church has done very little to help and at this point, I'm upset about that. For all their talk, and wagging fingers- I find that in one of the darkest times of my life they are useless. This is exactly what Jesus condemned in the Pharisees. They ignored the widows, the poor and helpless. No skin off their backs if people were begging, they had nice homes and good seats at the banquet tables. For all their religious piety, they were nothing but hot air.
So, I'm trying to cope in healthy ways and gather strength any way I can. Exercise and secular music. Say what you will but there's a LOT of good writing in some of their stuff. I know myself and where I wanna go in life. Not sure that I can wait around forever while my man decides what he wants and how to get there. (I feel guilty for even feeling this way, but I am passionate and always have been decisive and strong- I need him to be that way too.) He's been pretty uncertain of himself and our relationship for most of our time together. I really don't want to be apart this Summer, but he is giving me NO reason to stay. When push comes to shove, I can do it. I CAN take these 4 kids somewhere else and manage just fine. We'll see what happens...
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
New Quote...
"Never make anyone a priority in your life- if you are only a side-item in theirs."
Someone just told me this and I'm still thinking about it. Wisdom or foolishness? What do you think??
Someone just told me this and I'm still thinking about it. Wisdom or foolishness? What do you think??
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Doors & Windows...
I have been through the door of success a time or two and it was GREAT, but it only lasted a short time before closing. It only seems to open long enough to energize me for a while. Every one of us needs to know a little success- it allows us to truly celebrate with others when things go well in their lives.
I've walked through the door of devastation several times now. It was painful and each day felt soooo long. I'm getting pretty good at rebounding and re-inventing my strategy though. Hard times kick my tail and wear me out. I know what it's like to be at the end of my strength- holding my breath and hanging by a thread. But in a way that's a gift, 'cause I can be genuinely sad and offer a shoulder when someone else is down.
The doors of opportunity, happiness and order in my life seem to be closed for the time being, but as the old saying goes, "When God closes a door, somewhere He always opens a window."
I'm waiting for that window... In the mean time, maybe I'll get a tattoo... LOL
I've walked through the door of devastation several times now. It was painful and each day felt soooo long. I'm getting pretty good at rebounding and re-inventing my strategy though. Hard times kick my tail and wear me out. I know what it's like to be at the end of my strength- holding my breath and hanging by a thread. But in a way that's a gift, 'cause I can be genuinely sad and offer a shoulder when someone else is down.
The doors of opportunity, happiness and order in my life seem to be closed for the time being, but as the old saying goes, "When God closes a door, somewhere He always opens a window."
I'm waiting for that window... In the mean time, maybe I'll get a tattoo... LOL
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Today...
Slept well last night, once I got to sleep. Woke up feeling rested. Don't know how many people are thinking of us or praying, but I felt a little better today.
I made several calls and looked for housing. NO luck.
We got a card with some money in the mail from relatives for our 14th wedding anniversary. That was really nice. We didn't get to celebrate though as Jay is 2 hrs away doing his training. He did call me on the evening of our anniversary to say that I'm the only thing in his life that makes sense right now and he's glad he married me. Nice to know- need to hear stuff like that more often.
We're not sure how things are going to turn out for us yet and don't really feel very festive. The money went directly into paying our room-n-board and I got some fuel, a pair of comfy shoes and a pair of pants for work.
Interestingly enough, a complete stranger sent us a check for over $100 and said that until we get back on our feet, he will send us $50 a month. That is very touching. Never met him and don't know how he knows us, but his kindness is felt.
Not a great day, but not a miserable one either. Just putting one foot in front of the other...
I made several calls and looked for housing. NO luck.
We got a card with some money in the mail from relatives for our 14th wedding anniversary. That was really nice. We didn't get to celebrate though as Jay is 2 hrs away doing his training. He did call me on the evening of our anniversary to say that I'm the only thing in his life that makes sense right now and he's glad he married me. Nice to know- need to hear stuff like that more often.
We're not sure how things are going to turn out for us yet and don't really feel very festive. The money went directly into paying our room-n-board and I got some fuel, a pair of comfy shoes and a pair of pants for work.
Interestingly enough, a complete stranger sent us a check for over $100 and said that until we get back on our feet, he will send us $50 a month. That is very touching. Never met him and don't know how he knows us, but his kindness is felt.
Not a great day, but not a miserable one either. Just putting one foot in front of the other...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Counting Down...
Hello God, it's me. You know me like no other. There are billions of other people out there suffering and praying and they are heavy on my heart, so I know You feel their pain even more. With so many other voices crying out, it's hard to comprehend how You can even hear me or consider my situation. When I was a girl and things were falling apart with my family, I was near the breaking point. My stomach was ulcerated and I was literally starving myself to death. You said that I should hold on because You were going to come through for me and strengthen my faith. I believed. You delivered.
Things in the world seem to be worse now and I know that's keeping You pretty busy. But could You please take a little time to look out for and prosper my family? Sometimes I feel that for the last 3 yrs You have absolutely turned Your face away from us and left us to Satan's torment. Will You ever bestow Your favor upon us in the future or are we cursed as some have said? People who look upon our situation are certain that we have committed some terrible sin or that we are just lazy, uneducated slackers. This is hard to bear.
Several weeks ago, I said a prayer asking You to come through for us. Now, You have 3 weeks in which to move on our behalf or the kids & I will be spending the Summer away from Jay while he gets established in his job and tries to find us a place to live. I'm sure he can do it, but I'm even more certain that YOU could if You deemed it necessary to move Your hand. The Bible says that You do not hold back any good thing. I consider a family staying together a good thing, but perhaps for some unknown reason it would be best for us to be apart for a while? The Bible also says that You are strong to defend. When will You start fighting for my family? When will You hedge us in and shield us from the evil one??
I know I am unworthy of ANY special favor. I've never asked You for an easy life, Lord. I'm willing to buckle down and endure hard times. I don't mind being stretched, but sooner or later the trial must end and the sun must shine or we will collapse- we are only human- have mercy. This morning as I stood watching my little girls sleeping, I felt such love for them. I know You love them even more, so will You please give us a future and some hope? I'm at the end of my strength. This situation is beyond us. Please, please hear us and turn this ship around from the course of disaster it's been on.
I do not understand Your ways, but I still believe You are the very definition of Good. I am counting down the days until I see a miracle...
Things in the world seem to be worse now and I know that's keeping You pretty busy. But could You please take a little time to look out for and prosper my family? Sometimes I feel that for the last 3 yrs You have absolutely turned Your face away from us and left us to Satan's torment. Will You ever bestow Your favor upon us in the future or are we cursed as some have said? People who look upon our situation are certain that we have committed some terrible sin or that we are just lazy, uneducated slackers. This is hard to bear.
Several weeks ago, I said a prayer asking You to come through for us. Now, You have 3 weeks in which to move on our behalf or the kids & I will be spending the Summer away from Jay while he gets established in his job and tries to find us a place to live. I'm sure he can do it, but I'm even more certain that YOU could if You deemed it necessary to move Your hand. The Bible says that You do not hold back any good thing. I consider a family staying together a good thing, but perhaps for some unknown reason it would be best for us to be apart for a while? The Bible also says that You are strong to defend. When will You start fighting for my family? When will You hedge us in and shield us from the evil one??
I know I am unworthy of ANY special favor. I've never asked You for an easy life, Lord. I'm willing to buckle down and endure hard times. I don't mind being stretched, but sooner or later the trial must end and the sun must shine or we will collapse- we are only human- have mercy. This morning as I stood watching my little girls sleeping, I felt such love for them. I know You love them even more, so will You please give us a future and some hope? I'm at the end of my strength. This situation is beyond us. Please, please hear us and turn this ship around from the course of disaster it's been on.
I do not understand Your ways, but I still believe You are the very definition of Good. I am counting down the days until I see a miracle...
Monday, May 14, 2007
Mother's Day Update...
Had a really nice Mother's Day. My precious children made me a few little cut-out things at school which they presented to me. They seem to think I'm wonderful. While hugging me, my little Bunny said, "Mama, I love you bunches and if you ever died, I'd want a robot Mommy just like you." Awwwwww shucks! We went on a bike ride, had a barbeque and watched a movie after the kids went to bed. The weather was perfect- it was a very enjoyable time. Got to sleep in today as I don't work until this evening. :o) It's nearly noon and Jay is still in bed.
The YMCA increased my hours. They like my Customer Service and want to utilize me in other areas as well. My CEO told me last week that eventually he hopes to see me in management. Nice compliment, but like so many others I've been given over the years, it's just air with no substance- unless he's willing to help get me there. Words, words, we offer too many words and not enough action. We'll see...
Went and attempted to get on temporary public assistance again this week. Had all the extra forms they gave us last time filled out. As I sat across the desk from the woman who was so pert and business-like about everything, I thought, "Lady, do you really even care that 6 people have no place to live? This is just a job for you and we are simply more pathetic, hungry mouths to feed." I detest being a hard-luck case! Something in me wanted to stand up and rant in that place, but I sat quietly, shivering inside at the indifference. In the end of our groveling session, we walked out without receiving anything, but more hoops to jump through. You see, our youngest child (age 6) never received a Social Security card. We applied when she was born, and although she was assigned a number, she still has no card. NOT our fault- we did our part. But we had to re-apply for her to get a card and they can do nothing for us until she has one- which they say could be weeks- even months. Too bad... so much for having confidence in the system or it's "assistence". We have fallen through the cracks.
Thankfully, Jay's car is fixed and he got a job as a cable installer for Direct TV- starts training tomorrow. (I won't believe it until he gets his first paycheck.) When we finally have a place of our own, we will get free cable- yippeeee- every little savings helps. Just a few more weeks 'til school lets out now. We still don't have a place of our own to live... Time is running out until I need to pack up, take the kids to PA and enjoy the summer as a single Mom.
I am numb inside, but hanging in there. It's really strange. Most of the time now, I don't feel angry or sad- I'm just this neutral sort of resigned "pleasant". Fine for the time being. I'm not pushing myself to be anything else. I am where I am... It's been so long since I felt happy or at ease that I can't remember what it's like. But with all the other problems in the world, I'm well aware that mine are really quite insignificant.
I came up with an analogy for how I feel recently: My life is like being on a sinking ship in the middle of a vast ocean. Sooner or later I'm going under, but I bail with a little bucket until I am exhausted, trying with all my might to stay afloat for the sake of my family. As I look out around me, I see other ships in the water that seem to be floating along just fine. It's very tempting to jump off the boat I'm on, children in tow, and swim toward one of the other ships, but there's no guarantee they would stop and let us board AND I may drown from exhaustion or be picked apart by sharks before reaching one. Sooner or later all ships go down. Some are torpedoed and sink fast, while others speed along until they are dashed to bits upon some hidden rocks. My boat has a slow but steady leak. There are people who know my ship is sinking. They've seen it coming for a long time, but instead of doing anything to help, they say, "You should've chosen a better vessel and mapped a better course" or "Keep bailing, we've called upon the mighty Coast Guard to come assist you". However, there's nobody jumping in to bail with me- nobody sending a life raft. So I plant my feet firmly on the deck I'm on and resign myself to smile and keep bailing until strength fails and I have no more effort to give. Then slip silently and unremembered beneath the waves...
The YMCA increased my hours. They like my Customer Service and want to utilize me in other areas as well. My CEO told me last week that eventually he hopes to see me in management. Nice compliment, but like so many others I've been given over the years, it's just air with no substance- unless he's willing to help get me there. Words, words, we offer too many words and not enough action. We'll see...
Went and attempted to get on temporary public assistance again this week. Had all the extra forms they gave us last time filled out. As I sat across the desk from the woman who was so pert and business-like about everything, I thought, "Lady, do you really even care that 6 people have no place to live? This is just a job for you and we are simply more pathetic, hungry mouths to feed." I detest being a hard-luck case! Something in me wanted to stand up and rant in that place, but I sat quietly, shivering inside at the indifference. In the end of our groveling session, we walked out without receiving anything, but more hoops to jump through. You see, our youngest child (age 6) never received a Social Security card. We applied when she was born, and although she was assigned a number, she still has no card. NOT our fault- we did our part. But we had to re-apply for her to get a card and they can do nothing for us until she has one- which they say could be weeks- even months. Too bad... so much for having confidence in the system or it's "assistence". We have fallen through the cracks.
Thankfully, Jay's car is fixed and he got a job as a cable installer for Direct TV- starts training tomorrow. (I won't believe it until he gets his first paycheck.) When we finally have a place of our own, we will get free cable- yippeeee- every little savings helps. Just a few more weeks 'til school lets out now. We still don't have a place of our own to live... Time is running out until I need to pack up, take the kids to PA and enjoy the summer as a single Mom.
I am numb inside, but hanging in there. It's really strange. Most of the time now, I don't feel angry or sad- I'm just this neutral sort of resigned "pleasant". Fine for the time being. I'm not pushing myself to be anything else. I am where I am... It's been so long since I felt happy or at ease that I can't remember what it's like. But with all the other problems in the world, I'm well aware that mine are really quite insignificant.
I came up with an analogy for how I feel recently: My life is like being on a sinking ship in the middle of a vast ocean. Sooner or later I'm going under, but I bail with a little bucket until I am exhausted, trying with all my might to stay afloat for the sake of my family. As I look out around me, I see other ships in the water that seem to be floating along just fine. It's very tempting to jump off the boat I'm on, children in tow, and swim toward one of the other ships, but there's no guarantee they would stop and let us board AND I may drown from exhaustion or be picked apart by sharks before reaching one. Sooner or later all ships go down. Some are torpedoed and sink fast, while others speed along until they are dashed to bits upon some hidden rocks. My boat has a slow but steady leak. There are people who know my ship is sinking. They've seen it coming for a long time, but instead of doing anything to help, they say, "You should've chosen a better vessel and mapped a better course" or "Keep bailing, we've called upon the mighty Coast Guard to come assist you". However, there's nobody jumping in to bail with me- nobody sending a life raft. So I plant my feet firmly on the deck I'm on and resign myself to smile and keep bailing until strength fails and I have no more effort to give. Then slip silently and unremembered beneath the waves...
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Ten Names...
This one is fun! Give it a try! :)
1. REAL NAME- Paulena or Paula
2. GANGSTA NAME (First 4 letters of real name, plus izzle) Paulizzle
3. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color & animal): Blue Dog
4. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and childhood street): Krystine Blackbill
5. STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name.) Woopacam
6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color & favorite soda) Green Sprite
7. IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, )
Aotau
8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (grandmother/grandfathers first names) Verlene George
9. GOTH NAME (Black & the name of one your pets): Black Ember
10. NATIVE NAME (Fun activity, element in nature, name of wild animal)
Dancing Thunder Wolf
1. REAL NAME- Paulena or Paula
2. GANGSTA NAME (First 4 letters of real name, plus izzle) Paulizzle
3. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color & animal): Blue Dog
4. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and childhood street): Krystine Blackbill
5. STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name.) Woopacam
6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color & favorite soda) Green Sprite
7. IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, )
Aotau
8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (grandmother/grandfathers first names) Verlene George
9. GOTH NAME (Black & the name of one your pets): Black Ember
10. NATIVE NAME (Fun activity, element in nature, name of wild animal)
Dancing Thunder Wolf
Taking Risks...
Life is one big gambling session. We must be willing to take risks. From the moment we take our first steps, we chance pain. Love and faith are the biggest risks of all. We commit our souls to an unseen, often silent Higher Power. We make promises to one another while caught up in the rush of hormones and the warm-fuzzies of new love, feeling young and invincible. We pledge for better or worse, little knowing how bad "worse" can get, then what? I've got a LOT of passion & fight left in me, but right now I feel small and insignificant. It's a BIG world with so many needs- do I really matter?
When life seems to fall apart, God has not failed. Love does not falter, people do. So we have faith and take risks. Sometimes things turn out the way we hoped they would. Other times, we kiss our plans goodbye and go back to the drawing board.
I don't believe in mediocrity, I strive for excellence, though I am sincere I don't always hit the mark. Why is it we fail to celebrate those who give life a good try- only applauding those who "succeed"? How do we measure happiness & success?? Is the corporate "Big Cheese" with VIP parking truly a success or was he/she merely a good strategist? How many people were stepped on in order to get to the top?? Society applauds couples who stay married for decades- despite the fact that many of them couldn't stand each other or were bored out of their minds. Is that a successful relationship?
I don't believe success or happiness should be based on how many times we finish in the lead, or who dies with the most toys. It is NOT happiness I am after. No, I want satisfaction- that's something that goes deeper and can exist in good or bad times. Many things we chase in this life are somewhat unsatisfying once the newness wears off. The sports car, the fancy house, the lusty acquaintance... these things dangle on the big "happiness hook", but once pursued & tasted, one may find they come with a bigger price than initially bargained for. We only own possessions to a certain point, then they begin to own us.
At the end of my life, I want to bask in satisfaction. Didn't someone once say, "To try and fail is better than never trying in the first place"?
I can't help but wonder what happens when the best of our efforts & intentions aren't good enough to get us where we want to be? Who will be there to catch me when I am exhausted? I don't know, but I want to live with boldness, taking my licks and still smiliing...
When life seems to fall apart, God has not failed. Love does not falter, people do. So we have faith and take risks. Sometimes things turn out the way we hoped they would. Other times, we kiss our plans goodbye and go back to the drawing board.
I don't believe in mediocrity, I strive for excellence, though I am sincere I don't always hit the mark. Why is it we fail to celebrate those who give life a good try- only applauding those who "succeed"? How do we measure happiness & success?? Is the corporate "Big Cheese" with VIP parking truly a success or was he/she merely a good strategist? How many people were stepped on in order to get to the top?? Society applauds couples who stay married for decades- despite the fact that many of them couldn't stand each other or were bored out of their minds. Is that a successful relationship?
I don't believe success or happiness should be based on how many times we finish in the lead, or who dies with the most toys. It is NOT happiness I am after. No, I want satisfaction- that's something that goes deeper and can exist in good or bad times. Many things we chase in this life are somewhat unsatisfying once the newness wears off. The sports car, the fancy house, the lusty acquaintance... these things dangle on the big "happiness hook", but once pursued & tasted, one may find they come with a bigger price than initially bargained for. We only own possessions to a certain point, then they begin to own us.
At the end of my life, I want to bask in satisfaction. Didn't someone once say, "To try and fail is better than never trying in the first place"?
I can't help but wonder what happens when the best of our efforts & intentions aren't good enough to get us where we want to be? Who will be there to catch me when I am exhausted? I don't know, but I want to live with boldness, taking my licks and still smiliing...
Saturday, May 05, 2007
My Big 5 Interview :o)
Sage: “In order to get to know your household, what comic strip or cartoon character best describes each member of the household (including pets).”
In all honesty, our lives would probably mirror 'Charlie Brown'. Nothing ever seems to go right for Charlie Brown and there are several characters in that cartoon that remind me of my family. My son is like Pigpen- always getting into something and I have to remind him to wash. My oldest daughter is like Lucy, kind of bossy at times, but well-meaning. My middle girl is like Peppermint Patty- a Tomboy, and my youngest is sweet and innocent like Sally. I identify heavily with Snoopy- always coming up with new things to try.
Sage: “Be honest, did you read all of Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress? If so, which of Christian’s temptations and challenges have you struggled with the most. If you have not read it, describe beating yourself up with a wet noodle as an act of contrition.”
Yes, I did read it and Pilgrim's Progess is one of my favorite books. I can most relate to Pilgrim's struggle with despair. It seems to bog me down and at times, doesn't want to lift. Pilgrim eventually made it to the other side of despond and I believe that I will too.
Sage: “Name a favorite food of yours that your kids won’t touch.”
Hmmmm, we pretty much like the same foods. My middle daughter HATES mushrooms and I really enjoy them. I guess I'd have to say that Brussel Sprouts are a food I like and they hate.
Sage: “You say you’re Scot-Irish. Isn’t that like diluting Glenfiddich with Bushmills? How did your Scottish blood get so contaminated?”
LOL- My mother's side is Scot- Campbell of Argyll, while my Dad's Eire' side is O'Gallagher of Donegal. Both Scots and Irish are Celts from somewhat similar roots. Contaminated? Depends on who you ask I guess. Contrary to popular belief, not all Celtic-Americans are heavy drinkers. ;o)
Sage: “Both Murf and you seem to have a thing for 80s music? What do you think Murf’s favorite song from that era is? And since I spent most of the 80s catching up on the 70s, would I know it?”
Yes, the 80's had a lot of great songs! Bryan Adams, Mr. Mister, Bon Jovi, Mike and the Mechanics, Chicago, Phil Collins, Michael W. Smith, etc. Hmmmm, I'm guessing Murf's favorite song is 'Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend'- can't remember who sang that one off hand...
(If anyone else wants to be interviewed, let me know and I'll come up with 5 questions for you.)
In all honesty, our lives would probably mirror 'Charlie Brown'. Nothing ever seems to go right for Charlie Brown and there are several characters in that cartoon that remind me of my family. My son is like Pigpen- always getting into something and I have to remind him to wash. My oldest daughter is like Lucy, kind of bossy at times, but well-meaning. My middle girl is like Peppermint Patty- a Tomboy, and my youngest is sweet and innocent like Sally. I identify heavily with Snoopy- always coming up with new things to try.
Sage: “Be honest, did you read all of Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress? If so, which of Christian’s temptations and challenges have you struggled with the most. If you have not read it, describe beating yourself up with a wet noodle as an act of contrition.”
Yes, I did read it and Pilgrim's Progess is one of my favorite books. I can most relate to Pilgrim's struggle with despair. It seems to bog me down and at times, doesn't want to lift. Pilgrim eventually made it to the other side of despond and I believe that I will too.
Sage: “Name a favorite food of yours that your kids won’t touch.”
Hmmmm, we pretty much like the same foods. My middle daughter HATES mushrooms and I really enjoy them. I guess I'd have to say that Brussel Sprouts are a food I like and they hate.
Sage: “You say you’re Scot-Irish. Isn’t that like diluting Glenfiddich with Bushmills? How did your Scottish blood get so contaminated?”
LOL- My mother's side is Scot- Campbell of Argyll, while my Dad's Eire' side is O'Gallagher of Donegal. Both Scots and Irish are Celts from somewhat similar roots. Contaminated? Depends on who you ask I guess. Contrary to popular belief, not all Celtic-Americans are heavy drinkers. ;o)
Sage: “Both Murf and you seem to have a thing for 80s music? What do you think Murf’s favorite song from that era is? And since I spent most of the 80s catching up on the 70s, would I know it?”
Yes, the 80's had a lot of great songs! Bryan Adams, Mr. Mister, Bon Jovi, Mike and the Mechanics, Chicago, Phil Collins, Michael W. Smith, etc. Hmmmm, I'm guessing Murf's favorite song is 'Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend'- can't remember who sang that one off hand...
(If anyone else wants to be interviewed, let me know and I'll come up with 5 questions for you.)
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Of Selfishness & Self-Pity..
(This post is partly in response to a comment I received and deleted accusing me of "being ungrateful, drowning in self-pity and that I need to go take a Prozac".)
To put my situation into perspective- I realize there are many people out there who have it far worse than me. I feel for them. I also know there are plenty of people out there who have it better than me and I'm doing my best not to be jealous. What makes my situation so difficult is the fact that 4 lives are depending on me and my husband to do the right things and to make a life for them. I don't see how that is being "selfish".
Secondly, anyone reading this must understand that every person alive has their limits as to how much stress they can handle. Even Jesus Himself had times when He had to go off by Himself to regroup. In the Garden of Gethsemene, He was so stressed that He wept and was sweating blood and begging God to lift the trial. Jesus knows what suffering is like and that's why I love Him. Was He being selfish and drowning in self pity?
Human beings can only handle such instability so long before it affects sleep, health & outlook. Sleep? Affected- I'm taking a pill each night in order to sleep. Health? I've lost about 10 lbs in the last 6 wks- not complaining, just demonstrates that I'm under a lot of stress. My outlook? Well, I'm trying to look at things with a positive spin, but it's incredibly hard when time after time I hope things are coming together and yet stability for my family seems just beyond our grasp.
Our friends that we are staying with have been good to us. I know that our presence here stresses them out- even though they have tried so valiantly never to let on. It's impossible to have 6 people under your roof and not feel stressed. We talked with them tonight and they re-assured me that they are not selling the house because of us. That's good, because even though we've been careful, I was afraid we were running up the utilities sky high or playing on their last nerves. They have several legitimate reasons for selling and really I have no right to even ask for an explanation since it's their house and we've already been here for 9 weeks. They don't think it will sell right away and certainly can't complain about me paying them $500 a month to stay. Makes it hard to save up for a place of our own, but I WILL do it.
I think selfishness/self-pity are when someone is totally me-centered. Every decision they make is about them and what they want. Self-pity is to be so wrapped up in your own pain that you cannot reach out to anyone else. I'm NOT there yet. I do not want to leave my man- I hate sleeping alone! I want more than anything for us to be a family and have our own space again. A 2 bedroom fixer-upper would be fine as long as we could be together, but nothing has opened up. Jay & I have stayed up late many a night discussing options. The best thing for the kids is to take them somewhere apart from this situation where they can be kids, get to know their family a little and have a nice Summer. How is this selfish on my part?
I talked to my Supervisor at the YMCA today and explained the situation to her. She said they love having me work there and that I will have a job when I return. PRAISE GOD! I hope to work at the 'Y' in PA until Jay calls to tell me he has found a place for us to live. Then, you betcha, I'll be back up here. The U.P. is beautiful. :o)
It is easy to accuse someone of "self-pity". When you lose everything, career, farm, credit, circle of friends, dreams, then you begin to understand... When someone loses most of the things that matter to them, they HAVE TO GRIEVE in order to move on. That's healthy and leads to healing. According to Solomon the Wise, "there is a time to mourn and a time to dance". Right now I'm in mourning, but God is not finished here and I believe that someday my family will have much to celebrate.
I don't mind people being level with me, in fact, I invite it, but be gentle. Don't come down hard on someone who is already struggling to find meaning and hope. Perhaps I'm now doing penance for the times when I was less than sensitive and made judgement calls on others when they were down and out. God, forgive me, I understand now...
To put my situation into perspective- I realize there are many people out there who have it far worse than me. I feel for them. I also know there are plenty of people out there who have it better than me and I'm doing my best not to be jealous. What makes my situation so difficult is the fact that 4 lives are depending on me and my husband to do the right things and to make a life for them. I don't see how that is being "selfish".
Secondly, anyone reading this must understand that every person alive has their limits as to how much stress they can handle. Even Jesus Himself had times when He had to go off by Himself to regroup. In the Garden of Gethsemene, He was so stressed that He wept and was sweating blood and begging God to lift the trial. Jesus knows what suffering is like and that's why I love Him. Was He being selfish and drowning in self pity?
Human beings can only handle such instability so long before it affects sleep, health & outlook. Sleep? Affected- I'm taking a pill each night in order to sleep. Health? I've lost about 10 lbs in the last 6 wks- not complaining, just demonstrates that I'm under a lot of stress. My outlook? Well, I'm trying to look at things with a positive spin, but it's incredibly hard when time after time I hope things are coming together and yet stability for my family seems just beyond our grasp.
Our friends that we are staying with have been good to us. I know that our presence here stresses them out- even though they have tried so valiantly never to let on. It's impossible to have 6 people under your roof and not feel stressed. We talked with them tonight and they re-assured me that they are not selling the house because of us. That's good, because even though we've been careful, I was afraid we were running up the utilities sky high or playing on their last nerves. They have several legitimate reasons for selling and really I have no right to even ask for an explanation since it's their house and we've already been here for 9 weeks. They don't think it will sell right away and certainly can't complain about me paying them $500 a month to stay. Makes it hard to save up for a place of our own, but I WILL do it.
I think selfishness/self-pity are when someone is totally me-centered. Every decision they make is about them and what they want. Self-pity is to be so wrapped up in your own pain that you cannot reach out to anyone else. I'm NOT there yet. I do not want to leave my man- I hate sleeping alone! I want more than anything for us to be a family and have our own space again. A 2 bedroom fixer-upper would be fine as long as we could be together, but nothing has opened up. Jay & I have stayed up late many a night discussing options. The best thing for the kids is to take them somewhere apart from this situation where they can be kids, get to know their family a little and have a nice Summer. How is this selfish on my part?
I talked to my Supervisor at the YMCA today and explained the situation to her. She said they love having me work there and that I will have a job when I return. PRAISE GOD! I hope to work at the 'Y' in PA until Jay calls to tell me he has found a place for us to live. Then, you betcha, I'll be back up here. The U.P. is beautiful. :o)
It is easy to accuse someone of "self-pity". When you lose everything, career, farm, credit, circle of friends, dreams, then you begin to understand... When someone loses most of the things that matter to them, they HAVE TO GRIEVE in order to move on. That's healthy and leads to healing. According to Solomon the Wise, "there is a time to mourn and a time to dance". Right now I'm in mourning, but God is not finished here and I believe that someday my family will have much to celebrate.
I don't mind people being level with me, in fact, I invite it, but be gentle. Don't come down hard on someone who is already struggling to find meaning and hope. Perhaps I'm now doing penance for the times when I was less than sensitive and made judgement calls on others when they were down and out. God, forgive me, I understand now...
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
And So it Continues...
Last night we were told by the owners of the space we are renting, that they are selling their house and we need to be prepared to move out at a moments notice. Since my husband hasn't even done his 3 wk training yet and my earnings at the YMCA are miniscule, we have no money for utility deposits, first & last month's rent or a downpayment on a house. So, as soon as school lets out, I'll be heading south to my widowed Aunt's farmhouse with the kids and immediately start putting feelers out for work in her area. At least I know the kids will have a good summer with her there in the country- that's all that really matters to me at this point. They didn't do anything to deserve the trials they have suffered, simply because they had the misfortune to be born to us.
I spoke to my birth-Dad today (rare thing- as we're not exactly close) to ask for some advice. I've tried to ask for very little from him over the years. But today, he wept on the phone with me, told me he loved me- that he understands. With a trembling voice, he said a prayer for us. I said, "Daddy, I'm so tired, I can't take anymore nonsense- just wish I could sit in your lap for a little bit and rest." He said, "Bring those children down here to the farmhouse until your man is able to get things figured out." So, as much as I don't want this, Jay and I are going to separate- at least for 3 months.... possibly more....
Sometimes I feel like a tiny chess piece in some big celestial game. Just when I think that perhaps something is about to break, the rug gets pulled out from under us. God, if you heard anything I prayed last night, You know I don't want to get ahead, I'd just like to break even once in a while, but such good fortune seems so evasive. I'm not asking why. I've searched my heart and I have done my best to serve You. What are You trying to show me, what are you trying to prove?
I hope someday I will read over these journals with a sparkle in my eye and laughter in my heart because I'm on the other side of this long journey, but I'm not sure how far until I get there...
(For the few of you who read these posts, I always enjoy hearing from you, but there are only so many ways to express sympathy. That's not what I'm after with this. This is just a place for me to be real and record my journey. If it bums you out to read my blog, by all means check out my 'Signs-n-Wonders' blog or please find someone cheery in blog-world who has it all together and can lift you up.)
I spoke to my birth-Dad today (rare thing- as we're not exactly close) to ask for some advice. I've tried to ask for very little from him over the years. But today, he wept on the phone with me, told me he loved me- that he understands. With a trembling voice, he said a prayer for us. I said, "Daddy, I'm so tired, I can't take anymore nonsense- just wish I could sit in your lap for a little bit and rest." He said, "Bring those children down here to the farmhouse until your man is able to get things figured out." So, as much as I don't want this, Jay and I are going to separate- at least for 3 months.... possibly more....
Sometimes I feel like a tiny chess piece in some big celestial game. Just when I think that perhaps something is about to break, the rug gets pulled out from under us. God, if you heard anything I prayed last night, You know I don't want to get ahead, I'd just like to break even once in a while, but such good fortune seems so evasive. I'm not asking why. I've searched my heart and I have done my best to serve You. What are You trying to show me, what are you trying to prove?
I hope someday I will read over these journals with a sparkle in my eye and laughter in my heart because I'm on the other side of this long journey, but I'm not sure how far until I get there...
(For the few of you who read these posts, I always enjoy hearing from you, but there are only so many ways to express sympathy. That's not what I'm after with this. This is just a place for me to be real and record my journey. If it bums you out to read my blog, by all means check out my 'Signs-n-Wonders' blog or please find someone cheery in blog-world who has it all together and can lift you up.)
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Finally?
Last Friday, we got a call saying that Jay was accepted for school. Yesterday, Jay received not one, but two job offers. We're not going to be rich, but as long as we can be in a place of our own, I'm fine with that. He has decided to go with the second and will begin his training next week. THANK GOD! Today we drove around looking for housing. Rent is expensive but to actually buy a house is quite cheap so we're looking into that option.
We gave God 6 wks to act before we separated out of necessity- me taking the children to PA and him staying here to continue trying to find work, a place to live and going back to school. This was a LAST resort. We were both teetering on the very edge of our strength & sanity. Jay has been pretty angry and although he seems very meek and mild most of the time, sometimes his anger is explosive. He hurled a big TV remote at me, hitting me in the chest the other night. He always holds the remote. I asked him to turn the TV down because everyone was in bed, he ignored me, so I asked again. Still no response, so I turned to look at him and asked again, when I turned back toward the TV, he threw. It hurt and I must admit I was not very Christlike in my response. I hurled it right back at him- HARD, hitting him in the belly-button region. He played it off and acted like he didn't mean for it to hit me. He knows better. He slapped me in the face once when we were dating. I told him if he ever did that again that would be the end of it. That's one thing I will NOT tolerate from anyone. Call it my Irish temper, but if anyone gets rough with me, I may be small, but I'm capable of giving it right back and they WILL feel it. I haven't learned how to turn the other cheek when it comes to physical abuse..... still growing in this area....
Anyway, once again as always, God waits until the last possible moments to do something. You'd think that being so powerful, He could come through earlier once in a while. Perhaps it shows His power more when He waits until we've run out of strength, patience and resources?
I don't know and honestly, it gives me a headache to try and figure anything out right now. I'm just glad there seems to be a light at the end of this looooooong tunnel. :o)
We gave God 6 wks to act before we separated out of necessity- me taking the children to PA and him staying here to continue trying to find work, a place to live and going back to school. This was a LAST resort. We were both teetering on the very edge of our strength & sanity. Jay has been pretty angry and although he seems very meek and mild most of the time, sometimes his anger is explosive. He hurled a big TV remote at me, hitting me in the chest the other night. He always holds the remote. I asked him to turn the TV down because everyone was in bed, he ignored me, so I asked again. Still no response, so I turned to look at him and asked again, when I turned back toward the TV, he threw. It hurt and I must admit I was not very Christlike in my response. I hurled it right back at him- HARD, hitting him in the belly-button region. He played it off and acted like he didn't mean for it to hit me. He knows better. He slapped me in the face once when we were dating. I told him if he ever did that again that would be the end of it. That's one thing I will NOT tolerate from anyone. Call it my Irish temper, but if anyone gets rough with me, I may be small, but I'm capable of giving it right back and they WILL feel it. I haven't learned how to turn the other cheek when it comes to physical abuse..... still growing in this area....
Anyway, once again as always, God waits until the last possible moments to do something. You'd think that being so powerful, He could come through earlier once in a while. Perhaps it shows His power more when He waits until we've run out of strength, patience and resources?
I don't know and honestly, it gives me a headache to try and figure anything out right now. I'm just glad there seems to be a light at the end of this looooooong tunnel. :o)
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