(This post is partly in response to a comment I received and deleted accusing me of "being ungrateful, drowning in self-pity and that I need to go take a Prozac".)
To put my situation into perspective- I realize there are many people out there who have it far worse than me. I feel for them. I also know there are plenty of people out there who have it better than me and I'm doing my best not to be jealous. What makes my situation so difficult is the fact that 4 lives are depending on me and my husband to do the right things and to make a life for them. I don't see how that is being "selfish".
Secondly, anyone reading this must understand that every person alive has their limits as to how much stress they can handle. Even Jesus Himself had times when He had to go off by Himself to regroup. In the Garden of Gethsemene, He was so stressed that He wept and was sweating blood and begging God to lift the trial. Jesus knows what suffering is like and that's why I love Him. Was He being selfish and drowning in self pity?
Human beings can only handle such instability so long before it affects sleep, health & outlook. Sleep? Affected- I'm taking a pill each night in order to sleep. Health? I've lost about 10 lbs in the last 6 wks- not complaining, just demonstrates that I'm under a lot of stress. My outlook? Well, I'm trying to look at things with a positive spin, but it's incredibly hard when time after time I hope things are coming together and yet stability for my family seems just beyond our grasp.
Our friends that we are staying with have been good to us. I know that our presence here stresses them out- even though they have tried so valiantly never to let on. It's impossible to have 6 people under your roof and not feel stressed. We talked with them tonight and they re-assured me that they are not selling the house because of us. That's good, because even though we've been careful, I was afraid we were running up the utilities sky high or playing on their last nerves. They have several legitimate reasons for selling and really I have no right to even ask for an explanation since it's their house and we've already been here for 9 weeks. They don't think it will sell right away and certainly can't complain about me paying them $500 a month to stay. Makes it hard to save up for a place of our own, but I WILL do it.
I think selfishness/self-pity are when someone is totally me-centered. Every decision they make is about them and what they want. Self-pity is to be so wrapped up in your own pain that you cannot reach out to anyone else. I'm NOT there yet. I do not want to leave my man- I hate sleeping alone! I want more than anything for us to be a family and have our own space again. A 2 bedroom fixer-upper would be fine as long as we could be together, but nothing has opened up. Jay & I have stayed up late many a night discussing options. The best thing for the kids is to take them somewhere apart from this situation where they can be kids, get to know their family a little and have a nice Summer. How is this selfish on my part?
I talked to my Supervisor at the YMCA today and explained the situation to her. She said they love having me work there and that I will have a job when I return. PRAISE GOD! I hope to work at the 'Y' in PA until Jay calls to tell me he has found a place for us to live. Then, you betcha, I'll be back up here. The U.P. is beautiful. :o)
It is easy to accuse someone of "self-pity". When you lose everything, career, farm, credit, circle of friends, dreams, then you begin to understand... When someone loses most of the things that matter to them, they HAVE TO GRIEVE in order to move on. That's healthy and leads to healing. According to Solomon the Wise, "there is a time to mourn and a time to dance". Right now I'm in mourning, but God is not finished here and I believe that someday my family will have much to celebrate.
I don't mind people being level with me, in fact, I invite it, but be gentle. Don't come down hard on someone who is already struggling to find meaning and hope. Perhaps I'm now doing penance for the times when I was less than sensitive and made judgement calls on others when they were down and out. God, forgive me, I understand now...
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7 comments:
I'm sorry people have been insensitive to your circumstances. That makes me sad.
This is an eloquent and transparent post. I envy your ability to communicate so clearly about things which are so close to your heart.
I think you seem to be working hard to make the right decisions for your family.
May God bless you.
You, in no way shape or form, need to validate feeling sorrow. If someone can't understand it, that says more about them than it does about you. If they find your posts less than desirable, then they can stop reading them. If you don't like a t.v. show, turn the channel. If they keep reading, over and over, and feel the need to kick you while you are down - you have to ask yourself a question: What is wrong with them? Why do they get enjoyment at your loss? Or maybe it is someone you know that just wants to push your buttons get a reaction.
When you even take the time to respond to and "get off" on someone elses misfortune, it says WAY more about your issues than the person who is suffering.
It usually means that you are a threat to them in some way. Like when we as woman get negative feedback from other women, its usually because they are threatened by us. Take it as a compliment. You are a threat to this person, you in some way are superior to them, and they don't like it.
Rough times happen to everyone. I am very sorry it is happening to you right now. We can only do what we can right now. Only you know what is best for you. I think you are a wonderful, pleasant, kind person, and I hope this black cloud leaves you soon.
I remember this sign I saw:
"Its hard to soar with eagles, when you are surrounded by turkeys."
You will soar. Just breathe. And then it will be obvious who can fly.
My thoughts and energy are with you.
Trailady - your struggles are heart wrenching. I wish I could just wave a wand and make things right. One by one, you will see, God will solve each problem. I have seen this in my own life. It just takes time.
A prayer
Father… words cannot express the anguish for these kinds of situations, you are an awesome God, thank you for the good that You give… please help us humans…
Jesus please provide comfort to this family… touch their lives in a very real way… in a manner that is refreshing...
Holy Spirit hold their souls close… whisper harmony into their lives…
God thank You for Your perfect picture of family, Father, Son, Holy Spirit…
May it be here as it is in Heaven…
Amen
stay strong and as hard as it is, ignore those who would destroy with their words
just a reminder, I posted your questions (from the meme) last week
I see your posts as a catharsis for you. Nothing more. Your willingness to include all of us readers is simply an expression of an obviously deep-seated belief that we are all one in Spirit and in God. You have made me realize for maybe the first time in my life I am truly linked to all God's creation. I weep when you and your family suffer. I know it is not a punishment of God. You see, two years ago I would not have weeped to read of your trials and tribulations. Two years ago I would have believed God was punishing you for some infraction of His laws. I now know neither is true. Life is as it is. Through reading your blog, I have come to know a resilient, tough, loving, caring, woman, wife, and mother. My prayer for you is that these hard times reenforce those character traits I see in you. May you come through this with even a greater love for God than you thought possible.....
Hi Lily, It happens from time to time. I can't expect that everyone will understand, but even if we can't relate to what someone is going through, we can still be kind. The comment that was sent was blatently unkind and that's why I deleted it. I'm not putting up with that kind of nonsense. :o)
Angel, good points!
Gabrielle, Stick around... I think you enjoy reading when things turn around... it can't be much longer...
Livingsword, Thanks for sharing your thoughts & prayers!!
Sage, I feel very weak right now, but I believe that is when God can really be my strength. :o)
Don, you are such a kind soul. Thank you for your friendship. You are a blessing!
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