Last night we were told by the owners of the space we are renting, that they are selling their house and we need to be prepared to move out at a moments notice. Since my husband hasn't even done his 3 wk training yet and my earnings at the YMCA are miniscule, we have no money for utility deposits, first & last month's rent or a downpayment on a house. So, as soon as school lets out, I'll be heading south to my widowed Aunt's farmhouse with the kids and immediately start putting feelers out for work in her area. At least I know the kids will have a good summer with her there in the country- that's all that really matters to me at this point. They didn't do anything to deserve the trials they have suffered, simply because they had the misfortune to be born to us.
I spoke to my birth-Dad today (rare thing- as we're not exactly close) to ask for some advice. I've tried to ask for very little from him over the years. But today, he wept on the phone with me, told me he loved me- that he understands. With a trembling voice, he said a prayer for us. I said, "Daddy, I'm so tired, I can't take anymore nonsense- just wish I could sit in your lap for a little bit and rest." He said, "Bring those children down here to the farmhouse until your man is able to get things figured out." So, as much as I don't want this, Jay and I are going to separate- at least for 3 months.... possibly more....
Sometimes I feel like a tiny chess piece in some big celestial game. Just when I think that perhaps something is about to break, the rug gets pulled out from under us. God, if you heard anything I prayed last night, You know I don't want to get ahead, I'd just like to break even once in a while, but such good fortune seems so evasive. I'm not asking why. I've searched my heart and I have done my best to serve You. What are You trying to show me, what are you trying to prove?
I hope someday I will read over these journals with a sparkle in my eye and laughter in my heart because I'm on the other side of this long journey, but I'm not sure how far until I get there...
(For the few of you who read these posts, I always enjoy hearing from you, but there are only so many ways to express sympathy. That's not what I'm after with this. This is just a place for me to be real and record my journey. If it bums you out to read my blog, by all means check out my 'Signs-n-Wonders' blog or please find someone cheery in blog-world who has it all together and can lift you up.)
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9 comments:
Although it is sad to read about your troubles and it breaks my heart, I hope the best for you and your family and am thankful that you are strong enough to share. You'll be in my prayers.
Is sympathy a bad thing? If so, I'm guilty.
I'm sorry to hear this, but I'll offer no lovely platitudes. May God go with you and be near you and bless you and keep you.
zecnlWhat kind of friends would we be if we didn't care enough to read and respond to your plight. We love and care about you. You inspire me. When I think I have troubles, I stop and think of all you've been thru and are going thru and send my blessings to you and it lifts my spirit. I hope you know we all are thinking of you and lifting you up. Your bless me with your tenacious spirit.
Sorry about the spelling. i don't write well thru tears. Hang in there....
Well I think sis u r really blessed n lucky to have such caring n loving people around through this blog. God provided u with this platform to share ur depression n problems n bring u people around who understands u n ur problems, who advice u n above all pray for u n ur family.
Always praying for u n ur family sis.
Takecare
Oh my Lord. I don't know what to say, dear. I just have to pray. This is not what I/we hoped to hear, but we are sticking with you.
Hi Sage, thanks for the prayers.
Lily, I hope you were not hurt by what I said. The reason I said it is because I deleted a comment today from someone in regards to my last post that was very cold, sarcastic and accused me of drowning in self-pity. Feeling sad about what's happening to my family isn't self-pity. So, I just wanted everyone to know that the reason I'm writing this is not because I'm fishing for sympathy. My friends here, including YOU have been very supportive and I'm very grateful for that. :o)
Thanks Don, at this point, I don't know what good I am, but thanks for your kind words and spirit.
Samrina, You are so sweet!!
Gabrielle, Just please keep praying, anything could happen between now and 6 weeks from now... I'm praying for a miracle...
No I wasn't hurt at all. I love ya and am sorry things are going this way for you. And no, feeling sad about the things you are going through isn't self-pity. If you weren't sad, then we'd really worry about you ;-)
I'm always available to talk via e-mail, too.
Lily, You are a jewel! Thanks for being a friend. :o)
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