Thursday, May 24, 2007

Ranting on Life...

I have worked the closing shift at the YMCA most of the week- which means late nights. The weather has been beautiful- the kind that bids you to stay out and enjoy it. Worked late and then went over to the lake to sit and listen to music while enjoying the scenary. I have a LOT on my mind that I need to sort out right now. Some days I feel so strong and other times vulnerable. Never been like this before and don't know what to make of it...

There are several people who have said, "If you need anything, just ask." But is it not obvious what we need?? We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. Even the well-meaning have nothing left to give it seems. We need someone who can listen and not tell us we're wrong for feeling sad or that we're not "coping properly". I feel like saying, "Spend one week in our shoes and you'll be begging for mercy!" We need a LIFE and nobody can hand that to us. Everyone else has their own struggles. This is the tragedy of the world we live in. We had a huge community of church-goers in TN. The way gossip gets around, I'm sure that half the population knows what happened, yet so few reached out...

I'd be willing to tough it out and stay here in MI until we're able to get a place of our own, but it almost seems like he WANTS me and the kids to go. Looked at several houses that would've worked for us in a pinch- nothing fancy, but he didn't see them as options. He'd rather us be apart than settle into something like that temporarily. I can't be too upset at him though, both of our minds are reeling right now. I'm still numb inside. There's a part of me right now that would push the restart button on my life if there were such a thing. (Thankfully, I have this blog where I can express myself. This should be quite entertaining to read years down the road, but for now it's seriously difficult.)

We had to get rid of one of our cats yesterday as she couldn't get along with the cat that lives at the boarding house. Now, I'm not a huge cat person, but I do respect/admire them and enjoy having them around. Saying goodbye to Mercy was just another part of life that we had to let go of. I rescued her off the road when she was just a kitten. NOTHING is remotely normal anymore. Hubby was gone all last week, he's been gone this week and he'll be gone part of next week too. The loneliness is agony! I have lost a total of 17 lbs now. Just can't eat- my stomach feels like a rock. The kids are doing well in all this chaos and that's the most important thing to me. I cry when nobody is around to hear. Then I get dressed, do my hair, put on my smile and go to work to perform the whole charade of "Hi, how are you? I'm fine". Love my job, just wish it paid a little better.

A good part on all this is that I'm regaining a healthy sense of self. I've been going out to ride my bike in the early mornings. I hear about a big bike race and may try it. It's beautiful up here with all the fresh air. The Lilacs are in bloom! I'm listening to music that helped get me through hard times when I was younger. The kind that rallies me and helps me find inner strength. Yeah, some Christian stuff, but also Giant, Bon Jovi, Def Leopard, Bryan Adams, Mr. Mister. (Okay, for those wise, all-knowing sages who would like to offer me "helpful" advice about music- don't want to hear it, save your words.) Listening to Christian music right now is like pouring salt in the open wound. God is taking His sweet time up there while every day for us is such a struggle and every night I've been begging with Him to DO something. The church has done very little to help and at this point, I'm upset about that. For all their talk, and wagging fingers- I find that in one of the darkest times of my life they are useless. This is exactly what Jesus condemned in the Pharisees. They ignored the widows, the poor and helpless. No skin off their backs if people were begging, they had nice homes and good seats at the banquet tables. For all their religious piety, they were nothing but hot air.
So, I'm trying to cope in healthy ways and gather strength any way I can. Exercise and secular music. Say what you will but there's a LOT of good writing in some of their stuff. I know myself and where I wanna go in life. Not sure that I can wait around forever while my man decides what he wants and how to get there. (I feel guilty for even feeling this way, but I am passionate and always have been decisive and strong- I need him to be that way too.) He's been pretty uncertain of himself and our relationship for most of our time together. I really don't want to be apart this Summer, but he is giving me NO reason to stay. When push comes to shove, I can do it. I CAN take these 4 kids somewhere else and manage just fine. We'll see what happens...

10 comments:

imfreenow.blogspot.com said...

Trailady, you obviously just aren't with the right members of the body of Christ at this juncture. that's how it appears. I have never had more love poured into me in hard times than through the body of Christ. Pharisees is what they seem to be (and that means, they aren't the real McCoy)

On this side, it is so painful to hear your pain, and not know what to say, and not be able to fix things.

As for music, no one should care, except hopefully you're not getting feelings of wanting to cut off God just because of those Pharisees!

Can you possibly believe in Romans 8:28, even now? Oh God, please help!

Trailady said...

Gabrielle, I still believe in God, I'm just feeling a little frustrated with Him. He hangs stars, He sends the rain, WHY can't He help us?? I've pretty much just decided that He's busy with other people right now and He'll get to us when He's good and ready.

Yes, there are sincere people in churches. I love them dearly. Unfortunately, I've not had the opportunity to know very many of the REAL McCoys. This pain that I feel goes all the way back to when I was a girl and we lived in poverty with a single parent, NOT ONE person from the church ever brought food or asked if they could help in any way. Now, its my own family that is hurting.

I am grateful for the friends we are boarding with. They are the only ones who are really sticking their necks out for us, but unfortunately, it's taken so long to get established up here, I sense the welcome is wearing thin.

I still believe that all things work together for good... just wondering when the good is going to kick in... ;o)

Andy said...

TL, I pray that things will work out for you, I really do. This is undoubtedly difficult, and I really like your honesty in talking about these difficult times.

Stay strong, because I know that the blessings will pour out!

I also pray that you will truly find a community of faith that really walks the walk, unlike those you are currently experiencing.

Don said...

Your honesty is admirable. I understand how you feel about the church. I have heard so, so many similar stories. The desert is a dry, dry place... There's an old phrase: "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger". Well, I think I have grown to know you well enough that the first part of that phrase just ain't gonna happen. That only leaves the last part.....

sage said...

Well, this Sage certainly ain't going to wag his finger at you for secular music (as he turns down "Midnight Oil's songs playing on his computer). God can work through the secular too. Enjoy the music, enjoy the summer evenings on the lake, take time for yourself.

imfreenow.blogspot.com said...

Trailady, you might want to read my post "Miracle on the road" from this past month. It's a story about God's provision through the real McCoy. Kind of a cool story. Hope it builds faith.

Gingers Mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I haven't been around much so I am a little lost in what you are going through. But I know you just moved right? It takes a long time to adjust. What you are feeling is normal.
I know you have a delightful relationship with the Lord. There is nothing wrong with feeling the distance when you feel like He isn't helping you. It always comes back around though that you realize He was closer than you ever imagined.
Church people are famous for being finger waggers and judgemental. Sinners go to church. They just think they stand on higher ground than the ones who are struggling. Not true. You hang in there, sweetie. God IS carrying you through this.

Fallen Angel said...

White Zombie and Marilyn Manson and NIN always help me feel better.

Sitting down at the piano too.

I wish we lived closer - and could just hang sometime.

Wouldn't it be great if there was some kind of big box with a great sound system in it that we could just lock ourselves in whenever we wanted?

Thinking about you.

Trailady said...

Hello Everyone- thanks for reading my stuff!

Thanks Andy, having had to keep secrets for most of my early life, having a blog is liberating- I can be real about my joys and my struggles. Right now there seems to be more pain than anything, but someday the clouds have GOT to lift!

Don, you are such a compassionate soul. Thanks.

Sage- you make me SMILE!! :o)

Gabrielle, thanks, I'll check it out.

Ginger's Mom, I love reading your blog. You deal with life and keep your sense of humor. I'm trying to do that more but when life wears you down, it's hard to laugh.

Fallen Angel, You know, I'd love to hang with you & Royce if we were closer. No lectures, no pre-conceived notions, no pressure to say all the right things, we could just "be". I understand you. I know you probably don't think that's possible, but I do.

Livingsword said...

Trailady;
Well woven thoughts you have danced upon the keyboard. Many above have expressed my thoughts about the Church, and the fake church.

As for the music I am in to your choices as long as it isn’t country, or sappy church music. Now U2 on the other hand is great music and walks and talks Jesus.