Things are going well with my job. :o) I've literally doubled my hours this month- 'bout time! Since I've been building such momentum, it would be a shame to leave and go to PA for the Summer, so I'm sticking around...
Last night, I was exhausted. Worked a 12 hr day fueled only by a banana, a small bag of Wheat thins and sheer determination to get the job done. When I was done, I went walking by the lake for a little bit. LOVE the lake. I need my alone time. The moon was shining on the water, there was a gentle breeze blowing and a ship was leaving the harbor. Enjoyable! The only thing that would have made it better would have been someone to share the evening with. Hubby worked all day and didn't get back 'til midnight. I waited up for him and we talked. I believe in complete honesty in a relationship and I've had a LOT of stuff going on in my head lately about life, love and other mysteries- however timing is important. He asked how I was doing. I was so tired, I just kinda rambled on. He listened, said a few things of his own, then decided he'd rather sleep on the couch than be with me. So I went down after him, we talked some more and he ended up coming back to bed. Both of us are tired, numb, frustrated and wondering. How could things go SO desperately wrong for two people who only ever played by the rules and tried to do what's right? We have lived according to our conscience, made many sacrifices in the name of God and church. Our dreams are dying. Many of the things that brought us together no longer exist. Music and ministry being the main things. We are financially ruined outcasts now with little hope left for a better future.
Today, when we got up, I apologized- told him that some of what I said was out of fatigue. He was cold and business-like. Then he got online to check our bank account and saw that we had 4 bounced check fees- none were purchases I made. He told me that I should bail on him, that he just can't handle things. (Not sure whether he meant it or not.) Poor guy! Life has really turned on him. He was gone for 2 wks training only to be told he'd have to wait yet another 2 wks before getting a first paycheck. Being a cable installer is only a means to get by- he really doesn't LOVE it.
I'm having a lot of self-doubt right now. Not sure we're any good for each other. We used to balance each other out. When he was down, I was up and vice versa, but when you are both down and you are constantly being told that you are wrong to feel that way- where do you turn for comfort? The churchy people have convinced us that God has abandoned us because we aren't perfect- yet they tell us to turn to Him?? If that's the way God is- a dogmatic, fairweather friend, then no thanks!
I've never been here before. The excitement of new love is long gone, the thrill of building our family is over, many empty promises to change. Passion has pretty-much gone out the window (boarding in someone's house doesn't do much for the libido), our credit is ruined, friends are scarce, faith is weak at best. I finally broke down, called my Dad and was crying on the phone. "Daddy, I'm tired. Some days I feel like I can't possibly go another step." He listened intently and offered a place to stay if we ever needed it- haven't heard from him since and that was 5 wks ago. My children are precious, but I don't want to lean on them. They cannot hold me up. What/who am I supposed to hold on to????
So I fast, exercise HARD, work long hours and hope for some kind of clarity....
About Me
- Trailady
- I'm just a lady on a journey. A passionate, creative, spiritually-minded soul of Scot-Irish descent. This mother of 4 often has more questions than answers. Friendly with a sense of humor. A moderate & independent thinker who believes in hope, healing & balance. I'm learning to live abundantly by loving ALL people. My blogs are active. Like to hear from people of all persuasions. Thanks for stopping by! :o)
22 comments:
People are always stronger than they think they are. We have to be. I'm not going to tell you to rely on your husband or on God. I won't get into the debate as to wether he/she/exist rather look at the facts. Some people have great lives and do everything "wrong" and some people have shitty lives and do everything "right". If "God" plays a part in this I can't find a M.O. The most comforting epiphany I have ever had is that we are self-reliant. You are intelligent, passionate, kind, open hearted and open minded.
YOU can find a way to survive and thrive. Very few situations are beyond repair with enough determination and correctly focused energy. Unfortunately it sounds like you may have to be a single mom, I hope this doesn't happen. I just think people who rely on "god" to solve their problems are, well frankly, weak willed. You don't strike me as weak willed, actually just the opposite.
Life is a huge mostly unexplored adventure, go get some!!
That's rough to hear - since as a Christian I do hope that the 2 of you can come to a place where you love and exist together peacefully.
I think if you stick to your principles of love for one another - things will become much more clearer and work themselves out. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself? on Jay? Maybe he is doing the same? I think some of the 'not being anxious' idea of Jesus teachings are good to think upon.
The best I can say is of very little consolation. 'Love one another' -- these are all the words you ever really needed.
Royce, your wrong on this one.
Relying on yourself will only get you so far, and that is an empty life so self-centered that a look back will prove to be dissapointing.
The key to living a life that aims and proves to be fulfilling and "well fit" is finding a purpose OUTSIDE of one's self. You see (and here I go invoking the whole God thing), the world tells us that the key is "self actualization"...ie...the study (and practically the worship) of one's self.
But God would tell us in the Bible that TRUE happiness is found in the lifestyle of serving and supporting others. Look at all of the examples that Jesus mentioned throughouth the gospels...examples that preach to taking a step back from the front of the line ("The first shall be last" MATT 19:30), to serving others ("Must be a servant of all." MARK 9:34), to humbling ourselves to the image of a child ("He must become like this little child..." MATT 18:1-3).
God's instructions are foolishness in the ears of the world. Yet you will find that those that can live outside of themselves - a lifestyle mind you that is perhaps the greatest challenge to human nature - find the greatest joy...the same joy that all Christians should strive for (1 THES 5:16).
And the same joy the James reminds us to strive for during the hardest of times (JAMES 1:2).
I don't know you, and I haven't lived your life. But I do know that if you trust God in these dire and difficult situations, he will not let you down. He may not answer the way you would like him to, but he will support you.
One final thought: no matter what, do not ever think that he doesn't love you. He DIED for you. He purposefully put himself through the worst misery a human being has ever seen just so you could be with him. THAT is love, and he hasn't changed.
Praying for you guys. Glad it's working out for you to stay.
I agree with Jonathan, but let me give my two cents too.
When I hear your story I think of Job. If you are far from God, Satan doesn't have to worry, you are already his. It's when you turn to God and get close to Him that Satan has to go back to work. I think since you were ministering to others, Satan is on the rampage. He has taken away most of your friends, your house, and your music ministry. You have nothing and he is going to do all he can to keep you there or make it even worse.
I do not suggest you continue to fast. You have a very active job and have already lost too much weight from stress. If you are not able to eat the fresh fruits and veggies, please take vitamins.
Now, I hate to say this, but sometimes our attitudes can be mind over matter. If I'm having a bad day or am upset, I can choose to sing praise songs to lift my spirit. I know your's is not just a day or event, but it may help.
I am going to send you a book that may help you and Jay with your relationship. It is a book that the pastor who performed my wedding ceremony gave me. Mr. R & I have started reading this book together and it has given us quite a few insights on things we need to keep in mind as our relationship grows.
I love you and Jay both and want you to succeed in your relationships with each other, your children, and with God.
I see what you mean by the churchy people watching "god" abandon you, then start preaching that you must trust him.
Wow.
Nice support.
One of the many reasons I hate christianity. They can never just listen without trying to save you. Its like, no matter how bad things are for you, as soon as they hear a hint of "lack of faith" their main priority is to steer you back to god. Not just to listen to you and be a friend.
If I were you, I'd be tired of hearing it too.
Being a nurse, I've learned to just listen. To not tell people that are hurting that "everything is going to be fine", because sometimes it isn't. People really only say those things because they are uncomfortable and it makes them feel better. They don't know what else to say. When I am caring for a mother of a dead baby, how can I tell her everything will be ok? I just listen, and cry with her sometimes, and hold her hand. And sometimes I am just quiet.
I don't think Jesus would preach either. You must help people meet their needs before your words about spirituality are meaningful. This is what Jesus did. The church did not do this for you. What does that tell you?
And I love how as soon as someone has a different view point they are so quick to say "YOU ARE WRONG" - like jonathon did to Royce. Not going to vent anymore, this is your place. Just want to let you know there are those of us out there that won't preach to you, or judge you, or try to convince you that you need to "just have faith."
Royce and I are thinking about you and care about you. I hope things get better very very soon. I'm glad your job is going well, and that you have a lake nearby. I wish I did.
"Its like, no matter how bad things are for you, as soon as they hear a hint of "lack of faith" their main priority is to steer you back to god. Not just to listen to you and be a friend."
I do care about her, and the best thing to do, in my opinion, was to remind Trailady of the grace and and love that God gave her. You made it sound as if I was preaching condemnmation her, which was far from the case, and I don't really appreciate that much at all.
"I don't think Jesus would preach either. You must help people meet their needs before your words about spirituality are meaningful. This is what Jesus did. The church did not do this for you. What does that tell you?"
You cannot use one example as an overriding illustration for the church, especially when you use Jesus as a previous example for the right direction.
And as a matter of fact, Christ was far more firm towards the struggling that he helped.
-the prostitute, telling her to change her entire lifestyle (John 8:11)
-the invalid, telling him to leave his lazy lifestyle, and walk (John 5:8)
-the pharisees, multiple times, to change their ways in many areas
-the disciples, his closest folowers...challenging and in many ways disciplining them to servanthood and humility
Jesus was not just flowers and candy. He had a message of salvation, and to want salvation one must need to be saved from something. Jesus pointed out the problem as well as the solution.
"And I love how as soon as someone has a different view point they are so quick to say "YOU ARE WRONG" - like jonathon did to Royce."
As I SO appreciate how your opinion is the only one that can be layed out as well. If you would like for other opinions to be tolerated, then you might want to try tolerating the opinions that oppose your own.
I did not condemn Royce personally. I did say that I felt his advice was incorrect for the situation. I did not - as you have - continue to attack him personally. And I certianly did not imply that he did not actually care about Trailady, as you have most certainly implied about myself.
...
I have no desire to continue in a debate about your views on Christianity on this site, especially since it has little to no relation with the actual subject matter. If you post a response, do no expect to recieve one from me...at least not here.
Trailady, I apologize if my advice to you was in any way offensive, intrusive, or just down right annoying.
I cannot say that I have been in a situation that resembles yours, but I have been through my own hardships. I know that for myself, when those times came around, I found my restoration in my relationship with God. I found that he had not abandoned me, and was only waiting for me to allow him to carry my tired body through the terrible trials.
I speak in complete honesty when I say that my comment came from the heart, in a effort to see you come closer to God in a difficult time of your life...perhaps the most difficult time.
I would like to leave a few encouraging verses that helped me. I sincererly hope that they support you in the same way, and that you would allow God to speak through them and to your heart in this dark time:
[James 1:2-4]
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything"
[Proverbs 3:5-6]
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
[Jeremiah 29:11]
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
[Psalm 37:4]
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
[Matthew 7:7]
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
[2 Corinthians 12:9]
"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness"
Know that you are in my prayers.
Wow, its so easy to get a reaction from you people. Gotta ask yourself why such a strong reaction?
You are very typical.
It was never a "debate" as you call it, I wasn't talking to you. I don't care if you respond or not.
Trailady, you know how I feel about you. I hope things get better. If you find peace from a belief in god, I am happy for you.
Ahhhhhhh.....................
Teenager.
That says it all.
I'm smiling. And I feel really silly now that I even responded.
My response would have been very much the same when I was 17.
Sorry if I caused any controversy Trailady. Understanding the viewpoints makes things clear. As a woman, who has been abused, a single mother of 4 at one time, hurt by the church, I know where you are coming from. Thats all I really needed to say. Peace.
Hi sis,
After reading ur post sis i can just say though i can understand it's bit tough but still since i know u can do it as u r a faithful person is to b positive n do have trust in God,n urself and in ur hubby, u both need each other's support at the moment to bring things back to positions. This is may b u can call exam of ur relationship n i m sure u gonna pass it.
Loads of prayers n love...
Take care
Wow, teenager is right. And being a teenager he has the energy to put into the passionate effort to share his faith. You go, boy!
Like the new profile photo... what are you contemplating....?
WOW- I just now found the time to check in and this post really started a discussion.
We're all at different points in life's journey- that's okay. I am where I am, Royce is where he is, Jonathan is where he is, etc. I don't believe in saying whether someone is right or wrong when they express an opinion- what good does that do other than stir up anger? We offer the best we can from where we're at. I'm learning to accept people where they are.
This tends to go against the very grain of Christian thought as we tend to believe it's our duty to go around changing people's views and re-educating people. Jesus' first commission was 'If you love Me, Feed my Sheep'- He said it to Peter 3 times for emphasis. People are hungry for LOVE- not theology, not rules. Rules are a good thing, but without love, there is only resentment.
I'm capable of a very deep connection and I'm starved for love. Grew up with two parents who didn't have a clue how to truly love- they were emotionally absent. I married a man who is constantly "overwhelmed" in his own little world most of the time. I'm LONELY and wondering how long I'm supposed to stay in a relationship waiting for my man to get his head in the game with me while my best years trickle away...
I feel right now like I felt when I was in labor. People are saying, "You CAN do it, just keep going", but I'm beyond tired. They coached me through 40+ hrs of natural labor and in the end I couldn't do it. I collapsed in exaustion and despair. (The babies were all 4 too big for me to get out.) Without modern medicine I would've died in childbirth. This situation is out of my hands now. I can't take much more. Something has to break soon or it will be ME.
you're right, if God is only a fairweather God, we don't have any need of him. The good news is that's the God of Scripture, the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, the God revealed to us in Jesus Christ.
I'm praying for the two of you and your family
Wow! Oh how I wish that I had answers for you. I used to think I had all the answers and freely gave them (even though 9 times out of 10 I was probably wrong). As time has gone on I find that I have so many more questions than answers.
Sharon can tell you how many times I've said, "I wish that I was able to create the perfect job for Jay." Going to college with ya'll and then working for the same organization with Jay for a few years was so wonderful. We feel so deeply with you.
I'm not going to tell you "have faith." You've done that. I'm not going to tell you that you have brought this on yourselves. I know that is not the case.
Please tell your man that if it were at all possible, I'd come there and just sit with him or let him talk for hours or even hug him and let him cry until he couldn't cry anymore. And do it all over and over if it would help.
I know you've heard it said that if we could see the end of all things we would not have chosen to be led any differently than we were. How can that be possible? I have no idea. I so wish I did.
Please know that we weep with and for you. We too are asking why? And we are joining so many others in praying for all of you.
Max Lucado just came out with a new book, Give Every Day A Chance.
There are days when I could really care less and it shows (my husband can also verify this). Then there are days when I choose to try to make a go of it and in the end I feel like Rocky chanting "Ain't so bad" while I keep getting nailed by a left hook and eventually win the fight.
Royce is right, you are a fighter. Stay strong and know you have friends that love you and are praying for you, not churchy look at how holy I am prayers, that doesn't set well with me. Just honest prayers for people we love.
Hope your situation is getting better or at least you have regain your strength to face this painful moment.
I cannot help but felt the sadness, the disappointment and the agony that you are going thru. Yet you are so wise in reponse to all the discussion stirred up around here.
Anyway I am a stranger happen to be passing by. When the time you read this you still feel something is going to break, then imagine I will be there holding you knowing well that you are someone who deserved to be loved more then ever.
Truly hope, and know that you'll find a way out.
Love
Tim
I will always read (listen) to you. I have come to think of you as a friend. As such, I weep with you and do care greatly. You keep me honest in my relationships. You humble me......Love to you and yours
In general, I can agree with many of fallenangel's comments regarding how the people who call themselves Christians must do for others and be with others and listen to others and pray with others way before any "preaching" gets done. I think there are many Christians in nearly the same circumstances as you Trailady, but they will not share their pain. The church must be a safe place in which to share pain and not to be judged regarding the circumstances.
I believe God does provide for our needs and I also believe the evil one is always against us and always lies to us about ourselves and about God's character.
Is the abundant life God wants for us is the same as the one portrayed for us by the media and popular culture? No.
I can look at your pain and say you are in way more pain than I am presently, but there is likely someone down the road who looks at your pain and thinks it would be much more bearable than what they are going through. The fact is, pain hurts. Always.
All I can do is ask that the Lord would let his kingdom come into your situation here on earth just as it is in heaven and that ultimately his will alone would be done. And that he would give you his peace and joy even in the midst of your suffering. That may have just sounded like preachy platitudes but it is what I believe. I do believe that He hears and answers prayers such as those because he has told us to pray in that way.
Please keep sharing on your blog.
Hi sweetie - just wondering how things are? Been thinking about you.
Trailady;
It is clear from the comments to you on your blog that God loves you. These words of Jesus kept seeping into the cracks of my mind and heart as I read your blog and the comments of those caring enough to express encouragement and compassion:
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. - - Matthew 5:43 (The Message)
Thank you for your boldness in sharing the events of your life. You are an inspiration, so often your struggles remind me of the Psalms and other Scriptures, your expression of your life sends me to them.
I'm so sorry. I am so so sorry. God isn't like that. I know you know this even if you don't feel it. Big hugs.
Post a Comment