Had a really nice Mother's Day. My precious children made me a few little cut-out things at school which they presented to me. They seem to think I'm wonderful. While hugging me, my little Bunny said, "Mama, I love you bunches and if you ever died, I'd want a robot Mommy just like you." Awwwwww shucks! We went on a bike ride, had a barbeque and watched a movie after the kids went to bed. The weather was perfect- it was a very enjoyable time. Got to sleep in today as I don't work until this evening. :o) It's nearly noon and Jay is still in bed.
The YMCA increased my hours. They like my Customer Service and want to utilize me in other areas as well. My CEO told me last week that eventually he hopes to see me in management. Nice compliment, but like so many others I've been given over the years, it's just air with no substance- unless he's willing to help get me there. Words, words, we offer too many words and not enough action. We'll see...
Went and attempted to get on temporary public assistance again this week. Had all the extra forms they gave us last time filled out. As I sat across the desk from the woman who was so pert and business-like about everything, I thought, "Lady, do you really even care that 6 people have no place to live? This is just a job for you and we are simply more pathetic, hungry mouths to feed." I detest being a hard-luck case! Something in me wanted to stand up and rant in that place, but I sat quietly, shivering inside at the indifference. In the end of our groveling session, we walked out without receiving anything, but more hoops to jump through. You see, our youngest child (age 6) never received a Social Security card. We applied when she was born, and although she was assigned a number, she still has no card. NOT our fault- we did our part. But we had to re-apply for her to get a card and they can do nothing for us until she has one- which they say could be weeks- even months. Too bad... so much for having confidence in the system or it's "assistence". We have fallen through the cracks.
Thankfully, Jay's car is fixed and he got a job as a cable installer for Direct TV- starts training tomorrow. (I won't believe it until he gets his first paycheck.) When we finally have a place of our own, we will get free cable- yippeeee- every little savings helps. Just a few more weeks 'til school lets out now. We still don't have a place of our own to live... Time is running out until I need to pack up, take the kids to PA and enjoy the summer as a single Mom.
I am numb inside, but hanging in there. It's really strange. Most of the time now, I don't feel angry or sad- I'm just this neutral sort of resigned "pleasant". Fine for the time being. I'm not pushing myself to be anything else. I am where I am... It's been so long since I felt happy or at ease that I can't remember what it's like. But with all the other problems in the world, I'm well aware that mine are really quite insignificant.
I came up with an analogy for how I feel recently: My life is like being on a sinking ship in the middle of a vast ocean. Sooner or later I'm going under, but I bail with a little bucket until I am exhausted, trying with all my might to stay afloat for the sake of my family. As I look out around me, I see other ships in the water that seem to be floating along just fine. It's very tempting to jump off the boat I'm on, children in tow, and swim toward one of the other ships, but there's no guarantee they would stop and let us board AND I may drown from exhaustion or be picked apart by sharks before reaching one. Sooner or later all ships go down. Some are torpedoed and sink fast, while others speed along until they are dashed to bits upon some hidden rocks. My boat has a slow but steady leak. There are people who know my ship is sinking. They've seen it coming for a long time, but instead of doing anything to help, they say, "You should've chosen a better vessel and mapped a better course" or "Keep bailing, we've called upon the mighty Coast Guard to come assist you". However, there's nobody jumping in to bail with me- nobody sending a life raft. So I plant my feet firmly on the deck I'm on and resign myself to smile and keep bailing until strength fails and I have no more effort to give. Then slip silently and unremembered beneath the waves...
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10 comments:
Trailady, I feel so bad that this is how you feel, and wonder how things got so bad. Things suddenly plunged like this and i feel so helpless to do anything to rescue you.
Prayer seems to be the only thing, which I guess to you is the 'calling on the Coast Guard' and isn't good enough, but for someone living in Minnesota, with hardly enough money right now for more than her own needs, what else is there? There's that and a show of support.
Just wanted to say I'm still thinking about and praying for you.
I wish I could do something besides just pray.
$50 won't go far, but its available. :)
Hi Gabrielle, Lily & David, the calling on the Coast Guard was in regard to family & friends who know our situation and are only praying. I could never expect people I met in cyberspace to do any more than that. Your prayers are appreciated. The prayers of friends & family are also appreciated, but there comes a time when more tangible help is appropriate.
I believe I'm in a situation, knowing this ship is sinking, but there are many who are telling me, "No, you're not sinking. God won't allow you to sink." But is that really true? I have known good, God-fearing people who ended up living in cars and losing their kids. Good people DO go down and that's one of the hardest things to understand, but it happens. Job lost everything. He had done nothing to deserve the loss of his family, flocks and life of honor- except be faithful. So, yes, despite the many promises that God will protect us, He does allow evil to affect us and that's been the hardest thing for me to reconcile in my faith walk. Especially when the foul blow comes from the organization you placed all your trust in. My faith has to be in God alone. No man, no organization is unfaltering.
Single mom for summer? I'm confused. Tried to read back. i know it has been a ROUGH stretch for you.. but you are still married right?
It is very difficult to read and not think "Lord...Fix This!" but of course that would mean that I know what is best and when that best should be done. I too would like to help but am in no position to do so.
In that respect I join the commenters above....in prayer.
You will NEVER be "unremembered". Much love and peace....
Hi Scott, Yes, I'm still married. We are living with friends and their house is for sale. They have been very gracious, but having 6 people living under your roof is stressful no matter how big the house is. since my man just now began his training for his new job & school will be out in a few weeks, I will be taking the kids to PA for the Summer until Jay finds us a place to live...
Hi Inheritor, I would not expect people from the blogosphere to help out.
Thanks Don. :o)
Trailady,
This is exactly what had happened to me and why I wrote that post asking if God is really in control! It is terrifying, I know! I don't think everything that is happening is in His control or according to His will, he just promises to ultimately make good come of it.
I think that because of man's foolish choices, and man's control of things, it isn't always possible to get God's perfect will in things, y'know? Oh, my heart aches for you! If I could fix it, girl, I would reach down and fix it. That leaves us to ask, like CS Lewis during a time in his life when he became cynical, why God acts like the vivisectionist - a big power in the sky doing an experiment on us like we're rats! We are still asking questions.
I'm sorry you've fallen through the government cracks. I deal with Human Services every once in a while because people who work for us need papers filled out so they can continue to get their food stams or lower rent, or what ever. There are times that the case worker doesn't even know they have a form they can fax to us asking for the information. Our people get such a run around from them, I feel bad, but what can I do. It's not my fault the case worker is not properly trained.
As far as the SSC, it sould only take 7-10 days to get a duplicate card since she does already have a number (unless there are other circumstances you've not posted).
I am sorry you are in this situation, and like eveyone else here, I wish I could help. I'd love to be able to give you 20K or buy a house for you! :) But, alas. I do not have a money tree, sorry :(
What if we all banded together and could spare $20. With as many people as read you blog, that certainly would help, wouldn't it?
Hang in there girl, something is bound to get better, it has to, it can't get much worse.
Love you & praying for you.
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