So I've really been struggling with anger over my husband being fired after 11 years of faithful service to a ministry. I've been praying an awful lot lately. I'm not the kind who holds grudges and I don't like what toxic emotions do when retained in the heart. So I kept saying, "God, I'm angry, please take this anger and help me forgive". And I was still angry. So then I tried praying "God, why am I so angry? Why can't I let this go??". The answer came to me today as I was driving. There were strings attached to our service. At least on my part. Yes, we really believed in what we were doing, yes we worked for the greater good, but underneath there were little threads of expectation. You see, whenever we give of our time and energy expecting something in return it's like high stakes gambling. Let's say I pour my heart and soul into someone and they turn on me. What is my reaction? I tend to wallow in self-pity saying, "After ALL I did for them and look how they've treated me!" So, here's the question: why was I being nice? So I could pat myself on the back and think I was a good person?? Did I give so others would think I'm nice, or so I could convince myself I'm wonderful??? This is where I feel we humans often fall short. God loves because that's what He does. We tend to love because we want something out of it- at the very least some thanks and warm fuzzies. Brutal honesty here- I have bent over backwards in the past to please people and to win approval. If I tried my best and didn't get what I wanted in return, then I felt justified in turning my back. I've also had people invest in me for a time, but if they were disappointed in me they would move on. This is a fine example of selfishness. Now, I'm not saying we should stick around and let people be abusive or be co-dependant- that's a different story... But seriously, when was the last time you did something totally selfless?? Invite the neighbors over for a bar-b-que- even if they may never return the favor or mow their grass while they're on vacation- just because.
As I contemplated all this, I realized I was angry because our time at LifeTalk hadn't turned out the way we had hoped. Our ambitions were never realized and my feelings of disappointment were overwhelming. Now, I am strongly impressed to let it go. We gave ourselves in service mainly because we cared and wanted to make a difference- it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to. So what! It doesn't cancel out everything we did or mean it was all a big waste of time. We grew through the experience. Humans give and expect a response or some kind of reward. Sometimes the response isn't what we want, so we pout like children. How much better would it be just to do what is good and leave the results up to God?
I'm trying to apply this knowledge to my life and it brings me such peace. I am cutting the strings. I want to love for the sake of loving, serve for the sake of serving. Give without expecting thanks- simply because it's good for us to be kind.
Acts 20:35 Jesus said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive"...
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8 comments:
You are bruatlly honest with yourself. This is a skill few posses and fewer still act upon.
expectation=dissapointment, you have to be aware of that possibility every time you/I/we have expectations of any kind.
And we all have them, with our children, with our relationships, with our jobs ect. Unless you are a monk sitting in a temple in Tibet it is almost impossible to operate witout expectation.
But you hit on a key elemnt in having a truly happy life. Acceptance of what is. Even if it is something we can change, we first must accept the fact that it exists. And we must know ourselves enough to realize where are emotions come from. Having accomplished both things your healing process will be remarkably faster.
After all the more we focus on an incident we don't like the more power we give it in our lives.
That one lesson will follow you for the rest of your life. It crosses all issues. Its the foundation to all stability and truth. Forgiveness springs from its bosom. You have sized up the great human problem, now you have the answer for 6 billion people. God's cue ball has just changed your direction. :)
I think you have a right to be angry. And sometimes it is hard to move on until you let yourself be angry. So its ok. I'm kind of at the same place with my neighbors right now. I've had such angry and hateful feelings toward them, and rightly so. But I need to let it go, and get rid of it totally before I move. I want a clean slate. Not that I am not justified, not that my not being angry anymore makes them any less wrong, but what it has done inside of me is so ugly. I will never be able to change them, I can only change my circumstances and surroundings. I do have control over that, and am taking it. We can't change other people, only how we react to them and what we let them do to our insides. We are starting new, and I will leave with a pure heart towards them, I have to. I have almost totally let it go. My anger is valid, but it is also toxic.
Kinda reminds me of chemotherapy. It kills all the bad stuff, but also kills all the good stuff. It is nondisciminatory. Sometimes the chemo is worse than the cancer.
Don't be hard on yourself for being angry. I think anyone who puts 11 years in at a place doesn't deserve to be treated like that. You are not wrong to be mad. I would be furious. Your husband is lucky to have a wife and partner to be the safe place where he falls.
Goodluck, hope it gets better soon. You could move to Prescott and be with us in the pine trees! (They have an Adventist camp there where you could work in the summer too.)
been there, thought that, still struggling with it.
Now I know there is someone out there who understands me and OUCH could help hold me accountable.
This is really a sad statement of our times...we can try to be genuine in our compassion for our fellow humans here, however, never put our happiness in their hands. If we do what is moral and ethically right, it doesn't matter what others think, it their issues thay have to deal with. However, viewing life to doing what's right, will attract eventually just those people. I wish you the very best, and I'm certain that a better opportunity will come forth, and my hope is possibly, this could be the best thing to happen in the long run...thank you...
You know Trailady, it's probably more of a sadness than anger. You're, and I know I am about this situation, sad to see the potential of the ministry just be completely wasted. Sad to see all the years of hard work be trashed. Sad to see the leadership completely decimate a close-knit Christ focused team. Sad to see almost no future for a ministry that once was so vibrant and alive and connecting people with Christ. Every time I think about it - I too am overwhelmed with sadness. :(
Hey Everybody!! Thank you for the great comments!! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts here on 'My Journey'. :o)
Royce, Yep, I believe in brutal honesty with myself.
Angel, I appreciate your insights. You are right, toxic emotions only hurt us and need to be cleansed. I wish you the best with your new start!! :o)
Rose, you've been there- done that. I think of you often...
Kuan Gung, Thanks for stopping by- visit anytime. :o)
SSP, Yes, I have moved from the anger to the sadness part. You don't give so many years and then leave without grieving. I feel like most of my life I've been grieving. I'm tired and want some rest from heavy trials. Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again- before life felt so serious and heavy. I need to hang out with your crazy wife more. Need the laughs!
You say some amazing, selfless things.
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