I always regarded myself as an Optimist. Okay, don't laugh, but someone once told me that I could make gold out of a cowpie. I tend to look for the best in people and believe in their potential. I'm open-hearted and try to make the best of every situation. This has become harder to do in recent years. I still believe happiness is a choice, but what can you do when you are too weak & empty to choose it? I love nothing better than to laugh, love, dance and be joyful, but what do you do when life rarely presents such opportunities?? Through the many trials I've experienced, I always pushed through, remaining hopeful that if I just hang on a little longer, things will get better. Does God honor this perseverance?? I'm tempted to wonder, "what if things don't ever get better What then?? Do I have the endurance to keep smiling and moving forward anyway? Do I have the emotional/spiritual energy to keep investing in dead-end relationships and dreams that evade me"?
People say that an Optimist always sees the glass as half-full while a Pessimist sees the glass half-empty. A Realist looks at the water in the cup and says, "It is what it is". Being an Optimist doesn't mean you are immune to pain, it simply means you will not allow it to paralyze your heart. It means you will fight against emotional lock-down. I've always looked at the half-full glass wishing it could be fuller, knowing if the right opportunities came along, then perhaps things could be much better and the glass could display it's full potential. There's a lot to be said for those who make the best of their situation, but what of those (like me) who see what the situation COULD BE under the right circumstances, but isn't? I suppose at this point in my life I'm beginning to grieve what could've been. Don't want to surrender to discouragement, but I often feel like an untapped resource. Someone who had a lot of ideas, passion and raw potential that was barely utilized and never developed. Life has floored me, but I'm not the only person who has ever felt this. I believe it's called a mid-life crisis and yes women have them too.
Today I realized something about myself- as far back as I can remember, I have been trying to out-run who I am. Trying to rise above the meager family history and financial status I was born into. I've never been able to accept mediocrity and have strived for excellence- in school, fitness, music, or in giving to relationships. There's always been this underlying sense of inadequacy in me. Looking around at some of the people I knew, I remember feeling sad for them- wishing they could have better lives and I'd say to myself, "If I just try hard enough, that won't be me." Well, here I am in my 30's and rather than see things get better, it only seems to get worse on every front. The stakes are much higher now as there are 4 children who will suffer the result of my failures. I feel that because I've tried so hard to be something better, if I fall on my face there will be people who secretly delight in my brokenness. I've heard the bashing people receive for trying to rise above it all. Few are brave enough to try, but they will lash out at anyone who IS willing to take the risk.
I know the depth of my own weakness- it ain't pretty. Sometimes life is easier behind a mask- God knows there are plenty of plastic people to join in with. I have seen who I am and as painful as this reality is, I can't imagine going back into the matrix of self-delusion. You know, the kind that says, "I'm A-okay because I go to church every week, vote Republican and pay tithe."
How do we accept our own futility and still find the strength to keep going??? Here's a video from one of my favorite bands. I have played this song repeatedly in recent weeks- GOOD STUFF:
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8 comments:
Trailady - remember that it only appears futile in our flesh. But remember Joshua 1:9:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Stay strong! And don't forget Ephesians 6:10-18:
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
The solution seems crystal clear to me. You are and always have been discontent with yourself and your surroundings. You make too many excuses for your weaknesses. There is nothing optimistic about that! Why don't you get your head out of the clouds and learn to accept where you are. Shut up and buckle down. Stop blaming all your unhappiness on the church and other people.
While I agree with Anonymous'"solution," we are to dwell in understanding with a weaker brother or sister. If Anonymous has noticed a pattern in Trailady's life, then that means he/she probably knows much of Trailady's experiences growing up or at least some of her struggles in adulthood. Anonymous should approach Trailady with understanding, knowing she may have weaknesses in these areas.
Also, we are to approach someone in all humility and gentleness when we need to rebuke someone. Perhaps I am misreading anonymous' post, but it seems to lack the qualities of gentleness and humility.
Andy, Josh. 1:9 is one of my favorite passages. Thanks for sharing.
Anonymous, what did I ever do to you? Blogging is a place where you can voice your opinions, sort through the past and try to make sense of the future. Some blogs are about fashion, some are about sports, mine is simply about trying to make sense of my journey in life.
Jody, I agree with your premise.
I know what it's like to get blasted on my own blog for expressing some hurt feelings and then getting accused to slander. I didn't even mention anyone's name or what church i was going to! All of a sudden I was the bad guy for feeling pain and anguish and seeking support or at least an outlet in the blogosphere. Now I feel like people are spying on me via my blog when they can simply choose not to read it and move on with their lives. There are just some things I need to work through right now.
I even posted about some real hurt i was feeling the other night when a crowd of youth leaders and youth kids I used to be a leader for drove past me on the street without acknowledging me at all. I removed the post a few hours later because I was afraid someone from my former church would read it and take offense to it, but sure enough someone from my previous church DID see and I'm considered spiritually immature now. Well. Just let me work through this okay?
Jody, exactly right! I'm sure it hurt to be slighted like that. I know what that's like.
We have a need to express where we are in life. God knows, it's very difficult to be open with people these days- everyone is SO busy. It takes guts to say, "Here's where I am and what I'm dealing with." There's nothing weak, whiny or wimpy about admitting you have struggles. Like you, I'm working through a lot right now. I think the ones who aren't okay with it are the ones who prefer to be plastic. I am embracing reality with all it's pain and I'm determined to work through the challenges I'm currently facing. Part of healing wounds is recognizing they are there and cleansing them. Emotional/spiritual wounds are the same. Pretending we've got it all together is pretty tough and I'm very OVER it!
In this case, I'm nearly 100% sure 'Anonymous' is a member of our former church- she seems to have an agenda to make me look bad.
Jody, keep writing and kudos to you for being open & honest. :o)
I admire you for facing your problems head on instead of ignoring them. I prayed for you.
Thanks for the music video. Great lyrics.
I also love that song by Swtichfoot. I hear your pain and diffculty. Certainly can relate to it.
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