Restless...

Sometimes I feel sooo strange inside. Don't know if it's my passion or merely a wicked state of discontent, but there are times when I'd rather be anyone else but me and anywhere but here. Sounds lame, I know. Sometimes I just don't feel like anyone respects me. I have a LOT of life experience, and it irks me when other people with less experience act like they know more. I read a lot, try a lot of things and stay well informed. I'm a thinker, so why do I get treated like an idiot and so often overlooked? I don't know everything, I'm still learning, but surely I know enough to be considered even a little smart? Does everybody feel this way??

As much as I love people and thrive on interaction with them, sometimes in all honesty, they really get on my nerves. They all want it their own way and think they're so smart, funny and wonderful. It's like there's no room for me to lead or have a real say anywhere. Sometimes it reminds me of feeding my chicks. The selfish-bully chicks get all the food they want, while the sweet, polite chicks who patiently wait their turn end up puny and weak. Yet, I'd rather be puny than pushy...

Guess I'm just reaching a point where I'm able to see that I'm a valuable person. BIG change in my thinking. I'm tired of being taken for granted, taken advantage of and rarely being taken seriously. I know some of it's my fault because I still don't have a strong ability to speak my mind or set boundaries. I often end up doing things for others that I really can't or shouldn't. I don't have unlimited energy, or resources. I'm slowly learning the value of a beautiful word- "no". Maybe it's just selfishness rearing it's ugly head in my life, but sometimes I just want to be like old Herman. Just chuck it all, ditch my crazy dreams and go live a quiet life in a little cottage with my animals, read books and work in the yard all day. I worked long hours this morning, spent all afternoon trying to help a friend get her website functioning. Tonight, I drove an hour, just to sit on my butt and observe a dress rehearsal. (Thought I was going to be involved, at least consulted on blocking for the music I wrote. But I wasn't asked for input. I did make a couple suggestions to show I was willing to help, then I felt stupid for saying anything.) So, I basically sat observing for 3 hrs and drove home. One of the play's main characters has terrible posture on stage. He's supposed to be a hero and he slouches like he's totally unsure of himself- am I the only one who sees this? The love song between the married couple was completely dispassionate- as was the other music I worked so hard on. Tomorrow is opening night- Heaven help them- they're not ready! Anyway, I'm tired. I didn't get to spend time with my family today and I have to get up early in the morning to work. Why do I do this to myself- just not worth it?!

I'm still trying to figure out why God put me on this planet. I surely didn't ask to be born, but here I am. My parents thought they saw something special in me so had me professionally tested as a child- they determined me to be a 'gifted child' with perfect pitch and encouraged my parents to develop my mind with music, art, dance and cultural activities. Well, they were too busy trying to figure out whether or not to stay married, so that kinda got flushed. Most of my early years, I was the brunt of people's jokes- shortest one in my class, reddish hair & freckled, often one of the least priviledged. I was a loner who learned how to fake confidence and laugh in the face of great inner struggle- it got me somewhere for a while. Now I often feel invisible. Have you ever felt an emptiness that filled you? I know what that is like.
I have a big heart and a HUGE capacity for love- to give and receive it, but mostly I gave without reciprocation. (People are often just too busy to be bothered with being nice.) Bullied, threatened, abused and ignored for most of my formative years- I guess when a kid grows up that way, they feel they don't deserve any respect. But something has changed- can't put my finger on it, but I finally understand that it's okay to like myself, to nurture my interests and to have an opinion. I'm not saying be self-absorbed, just that it's okay to be okay with who you are and just breathe and live your life pursuing what you love.

Sometimes the futility of living really gets to me. There are no set rules for success or survival. I'm a fool with big ideas/dreams. I think it's time to accept that God really doesn't have any special plans for me. I will live my simple little life and barely even make a blip on the screen...

There are so many painful memories in this area now. Sometimes I just want to ditch everything and move to Montana where the air is fresh, where nobody knows me or expects anything from me and I can have a new start with my family. They are really the MOST important thing in this life.

How can someone feel so passionate, yet cold at the same time?? How is it that I feel I'm opening up in so many ways- yet closing down? I want other people to feel my warmth and energy, but sometimes I'm the one who needs warming- then what?
God is there, but not in the flesh. My man and I are like two rats running in a wheel... crazy, crazy world!

Life is just really hard to figure out! Sometimes I think I'm getting it- other days I'm just as confused as a teenager. (big sigh)
Sometimes I just have to say, "It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to". I vent my frustrations and sort things out here, so I can be nice and functional out in the real world and not make any waves".