My man and I are both near a breaking point. We feel our life together has been incredibly stressful. Every little inch of progress financially or otherwise has been a big struggle. Yes, suffering tends to bond people, but pleasant experiences can do the same- so why are those so rare?
I got married for companionship. I wanted a soulmate who could connect with me on deep spiritual and artistic levels. My main love language is quality time. I like to feel like I'm working as a team with my man to get things done and to get somewhere in life. We don't pull together or play enough.
I don't know what he wants- not sure he even knows as he can never tell me when I ask. I'm not really sure I'm what he needs? I pursued him bigtime when we were young. Now, I feel like I get on his nerves a lot and he has thrown himself heavily into his work all these years partly to avoid closeness. We got married really young and had kids right away. I'd like to say that if we had waited until we were older we would still have chosen each other as life-partners, but I'm not quite sure that would be true?
I feel inadequate to meet his needs or to understand him. I think he needs a quiet, demure, simple-minded woman who has no greater pleasure in life than mating socks and baking. I am not that woman. I am fire and he is water. Can the two balance out and respect each other? I tried unsuccessfully in the past to change into someone who will compliment him better. I can't do it anymore- maybe that's why there is such tension?
For the few good times when we really connect, there are the times when we are so distant- I don't know why and it kills me. I can no longer bear the entire burden for this relationship- it takes two to make a marriage work. I love this man. He says he loves me, but why can't we get this together? A good team is equally yoked, with similar priorities and passions. At least that's what I always thought, but maybe not. I'm really not certain of anything anymore... and feel myself withdrawing into this place inside myself where I can disappear and try to sort out what I'm feeling and come up with a game plan. Thank God for this journal, because I really don't feel like I can talk with anyone in the church about all this. Everybody else has their own struggles... and there are few who can simply listen without giving a bunch of unsolicited advice or sharing what you confide. Writing this will have to do.
I appreciate my husband's patience, loyalty and mellow personality, however, we don't have a lot in common. (The music thing is a touchy subject for both of us right now- so it's not worth mentioning.) We've had to pull away from several activities that I loved recently- very hard for me- yet I have no idea what else to do. I have a shaky feeling inside of me. What is happening here?? I can honestly say this has been the toughest 3 yrs of my life. We moved. We were mistreated by the people we looked up to. We had to face the demons of my past and level with my Bi-polar mother who was so upset she left the state. My husband was fired. After 11 yrs of staying home, I was suddenly thrust back into the workplace. It's not all bad- just a HUGE change and now we never even see each other. Like ships passing in the wind. Why God? Does it please You to see us falling apart? How long will our feet be held to the fire like this??? I really enjoy the YMCA- however, this week I've been working long shifts as a sub and frankly, I'm exhausted! There has to be more to living than this. I've never felt so unstable in all my life. I'm managing the best I know how. I'm still smiling and enthusiastic at work. I love people and that will never change.
We're probably going to put our house on the market. (about time) We can't keep killing ourselves just to keep this place. People keep telling me to hang in there- that someday our ship will come in. I think that's bull. It's just something people say to make you feel better about being financially, spiritually and emotionally devastated. I've been there several times now. Does it ever let up? Something's got to change. My man needs a better job. We need benefits. We need more time together. I need to be able to enjoy creative pursuits. I need to be warm again.
If you are the praying kind, pray for me, for my family... at this point, I really don't know what will become of us and how we will ever pull out of this slump... sometimes I feel ashamed for struggling like this. I hate being in crisis! My kids deserve better than two exhausted, emotionally damaged, financially challenged, spiritually drained parents. God, I want to give them more than this...
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15 comments:
Wow. That was an incredibly honest post.
I feel for you, very much so. Hubby and I have been married 15 years this year, but 18 months ago your post could have been my own, to a T. We too got married young and I too had doubts about whether this was really suposed to be, because we seemed so incongruous. Through nothing but acts of God we have come a long way since then.
I can't advise you, all I can share is what I have learned: the one thing that caused me to doubt our marriage more than anything was that I was trying so hard to be who I thought he wanted me to be instead of who I really was. What we discovered when I finally gave up trying to be perfect was that the real me was the person he'd been missing for years. I thought he no longer loved me and I kept trying to change, but instead he loved the person I was trying NOT to be. Does that make any sense?
Maybe try to go away for the weekend if you can manage it - not with the motive to "talk about things" but just to have some fun together. If you plan to "talk about things" you may both go into it on the defensive. If you are having fun, then conversation will naturally come.
I don't know if any of that applies to your situation at all, it's all I have to offer other than my prayers and sympathy.
Your God is bigger than this.
Lily
Hang on and let it pass. It will. It will.
Thanks Lily for sharing your heart with me. We are going to try and have some time together this weekend. Everything is shifting in our lives. With so many changes, we are both feeling overwhelmed and numb inside. I do believe God is big enough and I'm begging Him to DO something to get us through this.
Hi Brian, thanks for "listening". I pretty much write everything I feel both good and bad in this journal. I appreciate your supportiveness! Hope things will look up for you soon- hang in there.
Shirazi, thank you for your kind words. Yes, I believe it will pass. I'm just praying for strength to get by until it does...
you can be friends but be meant to be married. i am certainly not implying in any way that i know what is best for you and your husband. i have seen many good people who marry but not to the right people. doesn't mean that they are failures or bad people. means that they aren't the right combination for each other. there is no shame and no failure in recognizing that. there are no easy answers either. you guys are dancing around the tough questions. are we the right fit? should we stay together for the kids? can we really work this out- or should we agree that we are oil and water? again, i am not presupposing to know anything more than what you write- you two obviously care about each other- but is the respect for each other there? my question is really- do you respect each other as you really are as people- and not the changed people for each other? if you don't respect each other as you really are- isn't the resentment there anyway?
I am often in this same situation, but I know things always get better someday. I married way too young and I often wonder if we had waited longer if we would have gotten married. I sometimes think I married the wrong person. There are SO MANY reasons I think we are wrong for each other, but I know God would have me stick it out and I know there is good in our situation somewhere. I just can't see it right now. I know one day God will reveal to us something incredible and we'll see the fruit of working so hard to stay together. Even on days when I don't think I even love my husband at all I still believe God will bless us somehow. It's just so hard sometimes.
That guy who called your work freaks me out. If he knows your name he probably is a member. Weird. I'll pray you're safe and I'll pray for you and your husband.
Trailady,
Wish we could come and play a round of minigolf with you. We've seen minigolf work wonders with relationships, seriously.
Something about the fun of it, and the laughter at the silly things that happen on the mini golf course (such as having to use my club as cue stick to get my ball out of the tunnel that is supposed to guide it in for a hole in one), it just seems to help open up conversations and open up people.
My husband having worked where your husband worked and going through similar circumstances, I feel your pain. I'm praying. I'm praying. I'm praying.
I forgot, one more thing.....
Do me a favor and read Micah 7:8.
Love ya
I won't try to give you advice. I want you to know I prayed for you as I read your very honest, heartfelt post. I trust God. I know you do too, in your heart. Bruce said something to a friend one time, and I'm paraphrasing, that maybe God puts us on earth as a learning experience. Maybe there's something here we must learn before we go. Take solice in knowing He's in control. Hang in there. I hurt for you. I love you my sister in Christ.
I found a post Bruce(YBMT)made on my blog that I feel fits your current situation. I hope you find it comforting.
" I think, in the end, we'll all look back at this time and laugh. We will immediately see why it was necessary to spend time in this world, and understand why it was part of God's plan. Whatever hardship and suffering took place on earth will quickly fade into a distant memory when we are able to look face to face at the glory of what's ahead." Peace to you Trialady....
One cannot offer advice. One can just pray, and God knows there are very fervent prayers going up for you right now...
I loved the honesty in your post.
The decision, if there is any, is entirely yours to take. You know, of course, that whatever you do, there are people who will stand by you, and your family. Count me in!
You will be there in my prayers. Have faith...what more can I say.
But you are being honest with yourself...that's a start. Just dont be too harsh on yourself.
I mean no disrespect whatsoever, but I had to chuckle when I saw the sign-off of Don's comment "...Trialady" (with the 'i' and 'a' reversed in order). Was that intentional?!
Trailady, I feel for you. In the past I've had to ask, "Where is it written that the cross that we are to bear cannot be a loved one?" The realization that the cross I have been given to bear may indeed be a loved one (at least for a certain period of time) has given me renewed strength in the past.
God's grace be upon you.
No Chad, it was not intentional. It was human error. I would never do something so frivilous about so serious a subject.
Betmo, you have some very legitimate thoughts to share- thank you! I think it's healthy to question and examine our lives- not just to drift with the current like jellyfish. A good relationship and a good religion can withstand honest examination. :o)
Jody, thanks for sharing and for your prayers- much appreciated. :o)
Kellie, thanks for the kind words. You have such a beautiful spirit... someone is going to be very lucky to have you someday.
Rose, thanks for the encouraging words and for the verse. Very true!
Don, thanks for adding your thoughts. I did see the 'Trialady'- funny, that's how I feel sometimes. No offense taken- if it had been intentional.
Hi Chad, thanks for sharing. Yes, I think a good relationship is one of give and take. Sometimes you bear the cross, other times you are the one being carried. I'm certainly not perfect in this relationship- I've made my share of mistakes, but my man has been faithful. That speaks volumes about his character!
Inheritor, You are so right! In fact, often what we think our partner feels IS totally opposite of what they are actually feeling. However, I must say, it's important for BOTH partners to keep the lines of communication open so that one does not have to make assumptions based on the silent behavior of the other. My man can talk to me and pretty much tell me anything and I'm okay with that, but silence is cruel.
But Jay has the dimples!
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