Making Memories...

My heart feels very melancholy today. My oldest daughter will be 16 in only 4 years- it hits me like a ton of bricks. I really don't have much time left with my kids before school activities & relationships outside the family become more of a priority to them. I've been thinking today about what I want to give my children:

Unconditional acceptance.
Freedom to think and question intelligently.
A love for being active.
Plenty of hugs and smiles.
Two parents who love each other.
A shoulder to cry on when life gets tough.
Well-prepared family meals

Most of all I want to provide plenty of good memories. I don't have many- having had a pretty dysfunctional early life, but the few memories I do have are very precious to me. How I treasured walking in the woods with my Aunt Elaine. One Winter, when we still lived in our little house on the mountain, Mama tried to save money on electricity, so we heated our house with wood and burned candles after dark. She would light a big lantern and read to us by it while my brother & I snuggled under blankets. I remember feeling so cozy. Fishing and mushroom hunting with Grandpa Campbell was always enjoyable and sitting on the porch of his cottage watching a storm roll in and listening to stories. When we lived in Missouri, every Spring the entire family would gather at Grandpa's house for an Easter dinner & egg hunt- what fun! Then there was the time my Step-mother's cat had a litter of kittens in my sister's closet. She, my brother and two step-siblings would sit at the closet door observing those little creatures and talking about all sorts of things. In recent years there have been several family reunions with my father's family- which was also enjoyable. I hold on to the happy memories from my childhood like a drowing person clings to a life preserver in a rough sea.

I could work myself into the ground trying to provide designer clothing, toys etc. I could try and dress my children like uptown kids and buy them gifts all the time, but the newness wears off. These things break down, burn and can be stolen. However nobody can steal your memories. So, my man and I choose to give them plenty of happy days and good times.

My new philosophy on life has freed me up to be a better Mom. Letting go of my Pharisee life means I'm not constantly beating myself up for not being perfect, and I'm no longer straining to measure up. God loves me and I like myself.
My husband and kids have noticed a difference in me and my enjoyment of them continues to grow. There are certain signs that indicate God is leading me on the right path- this being one of them. Another sign is that my heart is bigger toward other people and I have regained a sense of child-like curiosity once again. A heavy load has been lifted from my shoulders and I am slipping the clutches of depression on a daily basis. One major step is to cleanse my life of toxic influences. I know people mean well, but I am a moderately intelligent, thinking adult- don't need constant correction- that only serves to make me feel quite bad about myself. I have done a very good job of self-condemnation in the past- I don't need any help in that direction. I've always been extremely hard on myself. Not anymore. I'm learning to accept who I am- flaws and all. I still want to be the best person I can be, but I now have some room to breathe...

There are many things I'd like to do with and for my children. Several trips to take. We would love to take them on a short-term mission trip. I think it's good for them to see a different side of life.
Some of the most pleasant times we've had with our kids were while sitting around the fireplace eating popcorn and reading 'Little House on the Prairie' books. Sometimes we build bonfires in the back yard and just sing together. Since they sing harmony- we have quite the little choir going on. Summer of 2005 we went to a beach resort on Nagshead for a week. LOVED walking the beach together in the evenings. The kids would scurry around looking for treasures. They would get so thrilled- even over pieces of shell and strands of seaweed. We laughed together as we watched the sandpipers on their long, skinny legs and the kids would chase crabs up & down the beach. We fell into our beds totally worn out and excited to see what the next day would bring. We've been boating a time or two with the kids and that is always a good memory. I even took them fishing several times- didn't really catch anything- just fun to try. Every year, we send them off to summer camp for a week. We are doing our best to give them a good life. Part of that is for me to be more relaxed and less intense. God is working on that. I have been off my anti-depressants for nearly 5 months now and I'm doing well, considering what we've been through the last 5 years.

We are looking forward to bringing our puppy home in October. I think we will have some really good memories built around our new addition. There is something bonding about having pets. My oldest daughter and I have such great moments while doing barn chores or cooking together in the kitchen. Today Jay told me he would like to see us get some goats, a cow & possibly a horse or two for our pasture. That would be a lot of fun. The next several weeks we will be gathering firewood for Winter and that is always a good bonding time with the kids. Soooo looking forward to Thanksgiving!! :o)

Someday when I die, I hope to leave my family with lots of good memories that will keep them warm in my absence.