Turtles on a Highway...

It's the time of year when turtles seem to be active in TN. I often see them standing by the side of a busy road trying to decide when to cross. When I see them- as often as possible, I stop, pick them up and move them safely to the other side. Lots of turtles get squashed on the road- this makes me sad. Poor, clueless, slow little guys don't have a chance. Turtles are adorable, harmless creatures- except for the occasional Snapping Turtle. They just want to get to the other side to hook up with a mate, find food or shelter. The older the turtle, the larger the shell and often, the more nicks, scars and dents you will see in it's shell. I have great respect for those kind of survivors...

This week I realize why I feel sad when I see a turtle trying to cross the highway. It's because I know the odds are against that turtle and I can relate to the little guys. In a sense, in this life we're all like turtles on a busy road. Even the smartest among us have difficulty understanding the ways of God and the way things are in this world. When we get scared, we tend to pull up into a shell and stop making progress. We do our best to head toward a better life. However, we are so small and the problems of this world come bearing down on us like eighteen-wheelers. If we are fortunate, we somehow survive the journey somewhat in tact and die of old age. But many, like Ian don't get very far before life is snuffed out. If you see an elderly person who is cheerful and loving- that's a walking miracle! It means they endured the stress of this life, dealt with the nonsense and ignorance of other people, battled personal weaknesses and still have something positive left to give others. These dear people have born their share of sorrows, have plenty of scars and deserve to be honored.

I guess part of my depression has been due to an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I'd love to be able to solve problems, raise the dead, heal the sick, make the blind see and the deaf hear, but I don't have such power. I can't even make myself be good, for Heaven's sake!! Oh, I've prayed for the healing touch, but so far I don't have it. I once tried to raise a pet rabbit back to life- tearfully held it in my two hands and gave it all I had- prayed hard and wished with all my heart.... nothing. Death is an iron-clawed monster that grabs us and often toys with us a bit before ending our existence on this earth. All the love in my heart, all the energy in me, all the prayers I offered could not save the ones I loved. I watched them waste away... sometimes wishing I could take their place.

Stress is most often the vehicle that takes us out. It wears us down, makes us succumb to illness and depression. Right now, I watch helplessly as circumstances take a toll on my family. We hardly saw each other before. We don't see each other now. My husband is working 2 jobs- he's exhausted- like a worn old man with little motivation. I have been forced to go back to work and no longer belong solely to my husband and my family. I'm at the beck and call of others now. In some ways, I like working again, because it gets me out of the house, lifts some of the financial burden off my husband's shoulders and helps put food on the table and gas in the vehicles. But I'm all about relationships and not so much about material things. I'd rather sell our house, buy a shack and keep our family strong than work ourselves into an early grave trying to hold on to what we have. (Granted what we have isn't fancy!) Since we just moved here a little over a year ago, the thought of moving again literally makes me ill inside. I've moved nearly every year and a half my entire life- same goes for my husband.

So living is kind of a catch 22. If you get scared, freeze and pull into your shell, you may get squashed anyway, so I'd rather keep plugging away and try to get to the other side, but it's slow-going. God, give my heart the courage to keep moving forward. When I was younger I wanted to live to be a hundred years old. Now, I'm really not so sure. I'm tired...