We haven't been going to church as regularly as we once did. Main reason, my husband's former boss (dictator) and his wife (Mrs. Dictator) attend our home church and at this point, we have not yet reached the point where we feel comfortable being around them. We were used up and thrown away like dying batteries. Though we don't hate anyone, we still feel the sting pretty strongly. I'm afraid my little Irish temper would get the best of me and I'd tell them exactly what I think about what they've done to us and to the rest of the staff we loved so dearly.
We're still in the healing process and it's easier staying home and relaxing than going to church. Honestly, sometimes I have better church here in the quiet of my home or sitting in a saddle than I do sitting in a pew. Today I laid it all out before the Lord. I wept and pleaded for God to make things clear to us and to somehow drop a better job in my husband's lap so we don't have to keep killin' ourselves to make ends meet. It sometimes takes a lot for me to cry, but I let it out today- I cried for us, for Ian's parents, for my Grandfather, for the relationship I want to have with my man. My vision is blurry as I type because I cried so hard. (Ignore my typos if you find some.)
Today, an older couple from a church we used to attend stopped by unannounced. (Don't ya love that!? Good thing the house looked great.) Wasn't sure at first if it was a genuine visit, or the "get the scoop on the situation so we can give a full report at prayer-meeting" type deal. Anyway, I opened the door and invited them in. They asked, "How are you doing?" to which I automatically replied, "We're doing okay". Then I caught myself and said, "If you really want to know- we're not doing so good." Well, they obviously didn't really want to know, because they didn't ask why or what was going on, just started up some small talk. I kind of alluded to a few things, but the pat answer was, "Well, you just need to trust that it's all in God's hands and that He has a purpose for you." The rest of the visit was basically talk about the weather. I told a few anecdotes. They handed us some money- which was a nice gesture- prayed with us and left a bag of tomatoes from their garden. Okay, that was really nice and I appreciate it. What we REALLY need is someone who will LISTEN! Someone who will get down in the trenches with us and help us face the hard reality of our situation, not sugar-coat things with nice little sayings. These are nice people and I know they meant well. I truly appreciate the fact that they even thought of us.
Note to self: when trying to comfort someone, don't start by correcting them or offering pat answers- that's an insult to their intelligence. Start first by really listening. Try to understand. Whether you trust in God or not, life can get ugly! For some reason, this blog is the only place where I'm allowed to hurt and say how I really feel about things. That's sad. The happy go-lucky me that everyone sees at work, etc., is the same melancholy artist who feels like her heart is in a vice. But few would ever know that. I feel a lot of pressure to perform most of the time and for all my talk about being "real", when I'm hurting I still wear a mask a lot of the time... yeah- I know, I'm pretty pathetic! What I need is a good week of trail-riding in the mountains!
I'm still wondering "HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU HEAL? HOW DO YOU PICK UP AND CONTINUE WITH A BIG SMILE ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOU'VE BEEN BETRAYED BY CHURCH LEADERSHIP AND AREN'T ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT IT? HOW DO YOU EVER TRUST AGAIN?? HOW DO YOU FEEL LIKE GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU WHEN THE CHURCH HAS CHEWED YOU UP AND SPIT YOU OUT?" I'm not sure anyone can answer. So, we just go to work, crash into bed and try to move on, but we feel obsolete. Yes, take it to God in prayer- but sometimes you need a warm hug and someone to cry with.
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7 comments:
"is the same melancholy artist who feels like her heart is in a vice. But few would ever know that. I feel a lot of pressure to perform most of the time and for all my talk about being "real", when I'm hurting I still wear a mask a lot of the time... yeah- I know, I'm pretty pathetic! What I need is a good week of trail-riding in the mountains!"
Yeah a week out out with Nature.
Doesn't have to bare-back riding or on horse-back, can be on foot!
For us to do most good, we need to look after ourselves first, else we can become hypocrites wearing a mask while our hearts are in a vice
But remember the wrongs of others do not count. It is only what we do right and good - that is all that counts
PS - I thought you already had someone to cuddle up to at night for hugs and a nice back rub, maybe you should get to bed a few minutes earlier (10 minutes earlier) to enjoy the rub!!!
rub-a-dub-dub
laters ... toot toot toorrooloo
Hi Quasar9, My soul needs the mountains- to camp, hike, trail-ride and otherwise commune with God and nature. However, neither of us get vacation time anymore.
Yes, I have someone to cuddle up to, it's just that by the time I wrap everything up and can go to bed, he's already asleep and I don't want to disturb him since he has to get up at 3am. I hope and pray this job arrangement is temporary for him. In the meantime all the household chores that he once did to help out are now my duties.
Inheritor, Thanks for sharing your thoughts- I think you are certainly right on target. I WANT to turn the other cheek, I want to be able to smile at these people and feel no negative emotions. I have chosen forgiveness, but it's a process that takes time. I guess this most recent episode of abuse by the church just brought up a lot of pain from the past. Other serious abuses were swept under the carpet and never dealt with because the ones who did it were in the church. I was accused of lying and told to never speak of it again because I brought it on myself. I have forgiven those people, but it still hurts. I try not to think about it and yet, in order for wounds to heal you must admit you have a wound and allow it to be examined and cleansed.
Tears are cleansing, prayer is cleansing, writing this blog is also cleansing- a place for me to think outloud. :o)
i am going to write this reply without having read any of your other comments. i will go on record as saying that i am not a churchgoer. this is why. within two paragraphs you described exactly why i won't step foot inside any organized religious 'house of the lord.' you have a former boss- who obviously isn't as close to god as he should be- or you wouldn't be describing them as dictators. that and the fact that they behave that way and masquerade at church as god loving people. the allusions to gossip within a prayer group and the fact that these 'well intentioned folks' stopped by out of the blue(rude) for really no reason- as they were clearly not at all interested in praying with you or listening- hey- sign me up as a member of that congregation.
tl- you believe in god as strongly as i don't. you don't need anyone to tell you how to have a relationship with god. you obviously feel that he works in your life and you believe in him. you can read. there you go. read your bible and pray and make up your own mind about your spirituality. you don't need these small people in your life. you and your husband need time to learn how to communicate with each other for the sake of the love that you feel for each other and for your children. god is your god and you already have him in your life. church is just a social club for hypocrites.
Trailady, I cry with you. It is so hard to find people to share with together the ups and downs of life especially when they go deep.
True listening doesn't come easy for us human beings.
I enjoy reading your blog. I just found it one day as I was clicking the "next blog" button over and over. I too think it is hard to find a person I can really let go around and have sincere talks with. I don't know if that's because people like that are scarce or if it is a matter of not feeling comfortable enough around certain people to share your problems with them.
Hey Brian, Thanks for writing and for always giving feedback. I so appreciate it.
Marty, Thanks for stopping by! It is truly rewarding to be able to fellowship with like-minded people. Right now, we fit in with a group of outcasts. People who have been burned and are still trying to make sense of it all and move forward in their spiritual journey.
Lily, I appreciate your words. I know I will get past this, I just need time... You are welcome to visit 'My Journey' anytime. :o)
Betmo, I read you loud and clear. The things you mentioned are truly a turn-off. Gossip and unethical behavior have NO place in a group of people who claim to be God's last messengers on the earth. I understand your feelings. I cannot deny the work of God in my life and you are right, you don't HAVE to be in a church to have church. However, we have been a part of a church where the people were real and truly cared- it was wonderful and we got spoiled. After having that kind of experience, everywhere else we've been just doesn't measure up, because we know what it could/should really be like.
Hi Tim, We cannot listen, because we do not love. Love does not come easy for us either. I believe once we tap into the love of God, and accept to what great degree we are loved, it begins to change us. We become genuinely concerned about other people, instead of only trying to further our own agenda's. This is who I'm trying to be. If I could stop getting squashed long enough to get my head clear, I might actually get somewhere... LOL
Hey Rafe & Welcome! Thanks for stopping by!! Hope you come back again and I will definitely check out your blog too. Some of the best blogs out there, I found by hitting the 'Next Blog' button! See you soon in the blogosphere...
Boy do I feel your hurt. I don't know what was in the heart of the couple who came to visit. I was nice that they thought of you. I know that sometimes I tend to be a "fixer". If there is a problem or what I perceive as a problem, it drives me crazy until I either fix it or let it go and realize that I can't. I also tend to be the type of person who doesn't like conflict. I realize that you have been hurt and I know that it has been absolutely wrong. There is no excuse. I will admit that at times you have posted things that seemed negative and critical of our denomination. While I agree again that some things that you have posted have been accurate, I have at times had to stop reading because it was too painful to know that the church I love has hurt some individuals that I love. Maybe they were not able to hear the things you needed to tell them because it just hurt too much.
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