It's Been A Long Road conclusion

After only 2 years in our beautiful little country home, we were notified that our radio headquarters was moving AGAIN. Since they were relocating 2 hrs away, we knew if we were to remain employed we would have to sell our house. This was very hard on us. In many ways it felt like our dreams of stability were being flushed down the toilet, but we were dedicated and put the house on the market. We were the first of the staff to move. The relocation process wasn't very well organized and resulted in my man having to drive 3 hours a day for work for several months.
'Message of Mercy' recorded their second album. This was an exciting time writing songs, working out arrangements and hanging out in the studio. I very much enjoy being on the road with the girls. My children always greet me with such enthusiasm when I come home. This makes me so happy!
Together we faced the challenge of dealing with a lady who was Bi-polar. Helped her move several times, find jobs, etc. After 2 years of this, I was frazzled. Did our best to care for her, but in the end she left the area never to return.
There's always a bright spot in dark times. Our oldest daughter had seizures every so often from the time she was around 3 months old. This was incredibly frightening for us to deal with. She stopped breathing twice. We had to watch her carefully whenever she was around water, etc. I'm happy to say that just as the Dr's predicted, she has finally outgrown them. Her last seizure was 3 yrs ago. We are still careful whenever she gets in the pool and monitor her bathtimes.
The children are growing up so fast! Seeing my oldest daughter develop has been bittersweet. Along with looking forward to the many milestones she must pass, I am reminded of what happened to me when I was her age. I have attended several recovery seminars. I've come a long way in my journey away from spiritual, verbal and sexual abuse. I was, however diagnosed as having 'Delayed Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome'. Basically, I'm a stubborn person. Just kept bouncing back time and time again from difficult experiences. However, this past year, I simply ran out of bounce. I felt completely devastated, vulnerable and weak. All the stress finally caught up to me. I'm trying to relax and breathe, trusting that Someone bigger than me is in control. I find comfort in passages of scripture. I feel alive when I pray, sing, dance, workout and when I'm playing with my kids. I keep asking, "Who am I now?" 13 years of marriage has changed me. I'm not the same happy-go-lucky person I used to be with so much responsibility resting on my shoulders. I'm not getting any younger and my dreams seem to evade me. So close to what I want and yet so far away... Sometimes I go back in my mind to my days on the farm with my best friend. For a moment, I'm a wide-eyed girl running barefoot through the grass chasing fireflies... great memories...

After making a move we really didn't want to make, and experiencing intense financial difficulty, my husband was fired unethically. (This is currently under investigation) But our journey with the radio network appears to have come to a close. It hurts that we sacrificed greatly and moved all over the country to make this work and this is how it ends... dumped like unwanted pups beside the road. The last 2 yrs with the ministry were tough due to the poor leadership we've had. We watched helplessly as our close knit team of friends & fellow staff plunged into subzero morale. My man and I were both on anti-depressants this past year- which I felt helped me- my husband refused to take them anymore because he didn't feel it made any difference for him. (Although for a time he was able to laugh and relax) I'm not sure where I belong anymore as I am a free thinker. After much searching, there don't seem to be many churches that offer what I need most- a loving, accepting, non-judgemental atmosphere where all are welcomed in the Love of God. Churchianity has often smothered Christianity- this is what I am moving away from. There's a small, but growing movement of like-minded people. I encounter them on a regular basis and it is a comfort to me- gives me a great deal of hope.
Life has many strange twists and painful turns... but it's also full of wonderful mysteries and surprises. We now have the opportunity to be involved with Christian theatre through Ripple Productions. Also I was recently hired to teach fitness classes at the YMCA. The old gym I worked at gave me an excellent reference. Though it is unclear which direction our lives are going at this time, and sometimes I feel like I am hanging by a thread, I remain optimistic that somewhere, sometime in the future things will be better. There are blessings in my life for which I am grateful. Health, nice clothes, vehicles that run, a big yard, a good dog, etc.
For years, I quietly hid my grief over a dysfunctional childhood, the break-up of my family, the traumas I suffered as a child and the poor treatment I received at the hands of people who meant well, but had no living connection with Almighty God. There's something freeing about being honest about my struggles. Some people are really bothered by openness. We ALL have scars and that's okay. We all know what mistreatment and rejection feels like, because unfortunately we live in a harsh world. I came to realize that I have a choice. I will either become cold, hard, depressed and live in denial, or let myself hurt, heal and remain open-hearted. We either become withdrawn or we connect with others and help soothe past hurts. I choose to keep reaching...