It's Been A Long Road part 3

The first step in emerging from the wilderness was to STOP listening to people and living to please them and start following the still, small voice in my heart- which I believe to be the voice of God. I realized that true humility is not about stripping yourself of anything and everything pleasurable. I had completely re-arranged my appearance, morphing myself into this frumpy, washed-out simpleton- yet inside I was more proud than ever. Secretly I lorded it over everyone else that I was SOOO incredibly righteous. But this was a farce and I knew it. I was a white-washed tomb, dead inside. You see, at 10 yrs of age, I was exposed to pornography by a sexual predator grooming me to accept his advances. Before long, I was addicted. As an adult, while my husband worked long hours at the station, this lonely gal soon found herself faced with pop-up ads and visited certain taboo sites on the web. I tried to look away, but couldn't stop. The people at church were patting me on the back for being so "surrendered" to the Lord and I was pretty smug about my external self, yet deep inside I knew I was living a lie. What torment! I tried hard for months to get away from the addiction, but was powerless to overcome it- even though I was strictly adhering to a list of rules as long as my arm. Funny thing, as soon as I dumped the list and got honest with myself, God and everyone else- as soon as I admitted that I'm NOT perfect by any means and never will be, I suddenly had the strength to walk away. Pornography is a tool to feed fantasy. It presents a false picture of what healthy sexuality is all about. I remember being disappointed the first time my man and I slept together- a first for us both. I was let down because he didn't act like the guys in the flicks and I didn't respond like the girls do. I thought we were both sexually dysfunctional. This had a negative impact on our relationship for a number of years.
We joined a little church in TN. where the people were kind and sincere. There was no constant barrage of critical suggestions coming my way as to how to be "holy". These people simply cared and we could feel it. A speaker came to town to do a week long revival. We almost didn't attend for fear it would be the same ol' seminar on Revelation we've heard a million and one times. Instead, this guy got up front and very passionately spoke about the love and mercy of God. I had never thought of God as merciful. I had always pictured Him as an angry, demanding egotist. This man told us that it's not about us and what we do, it's about God and what He has done. Suddenly a heavy load was taken from me. I was loved by Divinity! I looked back over the years of being labeled 'white trash', I thought of all the condemnation I had endured at the hands of so-called Christians and saw what an innaccurate picture of God they had painted for me. God hates sin because it damages our bodies & destroys relationships, but He loves sinners. He's wild about us!! What a concept! I got re-baptized at the end of the revival. My life was changed! Now I had something to sing about and songs started pouring out of me.
After moving nearly every year of my life, we were finally able to design and built our first home. It was a cozy little Cape Cod. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths. 1750 sq. ft. It was a very exciting time for my husband and I as we worked together as a family on the house- yes, even the kids helped carry wood, nails, etc. For the first time in my marriage, I really felt like my man and I were a successful team. I felt I had some kind of stability and we could put down some roots.
Slowly I began to emerge from the diaper decade. I began working out at a local gym early mornings and got fit. A few months later, they hired me to teach Aerobics, Toning and Stretch classes. The exercise and the extra money helped raise my bruised self-esteem. Then I received a phone call from a girl in Chattanooga who was part of a Contemporary Christian singing group. I heard 'Message of Mercy' at a concert event where I also sang. I was impressed with them and they had also like me. My youngest daughter was still in diapers and my husband was working long, hard hours as always, so I didn't see how it would be possible for me to be in a travelling group. I told the girl I was flattered they would think of me and would invite me to join them, but it wouldn't be fair to them for me to accept. (I said a silent prayer, "God, if I've just passed up an opportunity that You ordained, give me another chance") Two months later, the girl called me again saying they still hadn't found the one they were looking for- would I reconsider? Of course, I said "Yes"! The timing of God is amazing because if I was still strict, I would never have joined a group that had drums in their music. Now, I had a circle of friends to travel with and a group to write songs for. My husband was very supportive of my musical pursuits. Can't say the same for some ladies at church who felt that I shouldn't have said yes. They felt travelling one weekend a month was innappropriate for a mother of 4. Oh well! I've had the time of my life with these girls!!! I'm busy once again outside my home and have a little "me" time. I felt my horizons expanding... (to be concluded)