It's Been A Long Road part 2

Being eager to please and impressionable, I soon joined my older counterparts in the ultra-conservative beliefs they espoused. I put my favorite jeans away and began wearing shapeless dresses all the time. Long hair was the acceptable length, so I grew it to my waist & wore it in a bun until I had bald spots from the weight of it. We threw $800 of our favorite music in the dumpster. Our diet changed radically to a strict dairy free, meat free and largely sugar free, 2 meals a day program. (Only the children ate 3 meals) The mindset was basically, "If it's pleasurable, it's sinful and has to go".
Thanksgiving of '97 we got away for a few days to visit some friends in Oregon. While trail riding in the wilderness, I was thrown from my horse. When I hit the frozen ground I broke my collarbone, dislocated my shoulder, split my humerous, sprained my wrist, shattered my tailbone and whiplashed my neck. Thank God I was wearing a helmet, or I may not be here today. I laid on the cold ground by myself until my companions came back for me with help. It took 45 minutes to get me to a hospital. The pain was excruciating! I went into shock so badly, the ER people had to stick me 11 times to find a vein for the IV. I had a severe reaction to the Morphine they gave me and nearly lost consciousness. My baby boy was only 6 mos old when this happened- he was still nursing. Poor little guy had to do without me for 24 hrs. Let's just say that more than my arm was hurting! ;o) I was able to continue nursing him with a few minor adjustments. My son walked at 7 mos. because I couldn't carry him with an arm in a sling. Once again, I was down for recovery. To see my man and two small children struggling to get by without my help was torment for me. I determined not to do any risky activities until the kids were big enough to take care of themselves. I was pretty helpless for 2 mos till the fracture fused enough so I could move around. One lady came and stayed with me for 3 days after the accident, and a good friend of mine, Kristine came to check on me several times to help me bathe, but thereafter I was left to fend for myself.
The study group brought in some guests who had more radical ideas to add to our regimen. Abstinence within marriage was one of their beliefs. We were strongly encouraged to remove our simple wedding bands- as they were "ornamentation" and God could never accept us if we had them on. There were strict interpretations of how to keep 'The Lords Day'. The older women strongly advised me to try and change myself into a quiet little house mouse who followed 10 paces behind my husband. I did my best. By the time our 3rd child was born by C-section I'd pretty much mastered the 1800's look. The people who were mentoring us weren't always pleasant, but desperate for acceptance, I submitted to their counsel. Felt I was "purifying myself" with all the many things I had "surrendered" for the Lord. We were told to share what we learned, so I attempted to minister and mentor others into the strict lifestyle we were living. My hard-hitting, judgemental approach didn't go over too well. Needless to say, I ended up worn out and fell into despair. (Secretly, I knew I wasn't holy. I knew the temptations I struggled with.) I cried out in desparation and The Lord heard me. First He sent me off to work at summer camp 1999 where I could almost hear Him tell me everyday during trail rides that He loved me. Then He dropped a "bomb" on the study group clique and soon everyone was moving away to different parts of the country. The radio network decided to relocate to TN. So, once again we were on the move cross-country. I was SO happy to leave the desert! One day in the moving truck, a voice spoke to my heart saying, "Tear down this wall of beliefs you have built and I will re-build it with My Truth". So I did one of the scariest things I've ever done. I simply stopped living the cultish lifestyle. I went back to the simple Gospel. I began to accept that God loved me, though I was a sinner. I put my wedding band back on, cut my hair, dug out my jeans. I was forgiven and I was FREE to be me! From that time on, I would NEVER again live to please people. I would stand on my own in the sight of Almighty God and live by conviction alone.
We moved into a little cottage by a lake. My husband worked up the hill and could walk to & from work. The first 3-4 months we were in TN. my man worked 12-16 hour days. We rarely saw him. I found comfort in my 3 babies. How I loved to hold them! To play, chasing them around the house. I read a TON of books and sang to them. Whenever we sat at the table to eat, I felt that someone was still missing. I longed for another child. We soon found out I was pregnant again. I was terribly sick 24/7 with my last pregnancy just as I was while carrying my other two girls, so we figured it was a girl. Sure enough, our fourth and final blessing came along via a scheduled C-section. As soon as I looked upon her tiny face I knew the missing person had arrived and my fertile years came to a close. The surgeries took a toll on my body though. I have always struggled with Anemia and had to have blood transfusion twice. It took me 3 years after the last section to get my energy back and Iron levels close to normal.
For 8 long years I rarely sang, had few hobbies and did nothing but change diapers, wash laundry, and wipe noses. Then God saw fit to bring me out of the wilderness. (to be continued)