For years- especially as a child- I felt ugly & unlovable. I was extremely insecure. I received constant criticism about my looks. Too fat, too fair, too freckled, too short, too thin, etc.- eventually I believed I was completely unnattractive. I punished myself by starving/throwing up. There's something magical about your 30's though. Somehow, with the love of my husband, deeper relationship with my God, greater wisdom & experience there comes a certain confidence I can't explain. The only word I can think of is "Settling". I'm learning it's okay to like myself and be me. I still don't feel beautiful very often, (Don't like seeing pictures of myself) but today, through a simple gesture, I felt beautiful- no Radiant! You see, thanks to feminist rhetoric, women aren't treated as if they're beautiful/feminine creatures anymore. I miss that! I'm a forward thinker, in many ways, but I'm still old fashioned. I like having the car door opened, my chair pulled out. Okay, I hear you asking, "Well, what happened that made you feel beautiful??" Really quite simple: I was going into the gas station, an older man- probably in his early-mid 50's was coming out. He took a few steps past the door, noticed me, stopped, smiled big, tipped his hat, then rushed to open the door for me. I smiled and thanked him. Still smiling at me he said, "You're sure welcome, little lady"! I loved it!! People are still polite here and that's why I LOVE living in the South. See- you don't have to move mountains to make somebody's day brighter...
I grew up being a radical tom-boy. Didn't always get much attention from my Dad. Thought my hero didn't have time for me because I was a girl, so I tried my best to be a boy. In a sense, I was the ultimate feminist. Anything a boy could do, I set out to do. I even had my hair cut in a flat-top once when I was in the 5th grade. I was rough- people didn't want to mess with me! Rode any horse brought my way and played just about every sport public school offered. I hung out on the B-ball court in the projects- until it became unsafe to do so. I was fit & sporty- no frills or fluff for me- which drove my dear, ultra-feminine Mother nuts. She wanted me to be Shirley Temple, I wanted to be Susan Powter. Girls at school often hated me & made life miserable. However, things have changed. Feeling the power of my body to bear & nurse children was when my attitude started to change. And now this sweet "becoming" of me... it's been a gradual awakening, but I like what I'm feeling. I paint my toe-nails sassy colors, wear perfumes & lotions. I enjoy feminine styles & hair arrangements. I feel beautiful working out, embracing a small child, dancing barefoot in the rain, attending the symphony (I always cry), when my husband takes me on a date or brings flowers. Also feel lovely wearing pearls, singing to God, and when someone just notices me- like the stranger at the gas station. Sometimes as a stay-home Mom, I feel silenced & invisible. I was once a leader, people viewed me as competent, now everyone else gets to be the leaders- I tend to go along for the ride. (Don't want to make waves) Sometimes I feel buried by responsibilities so nobody can see who I am anymore. For this reason, I wish to thank my readers. It means a lot to me that with millions of Blogs out there, you stop by, read my thoughts and leave your comments. You have given me a voice again. You have NO idea how much it means! THANK YOU!!
Friday, March 17, 2006
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6 comments:
I'm glad I stumbled here via our brother Chez in Bangalore. I'm enjoying reading about your journey.
Keep it going, sister...
No prob. and there is NO code in my last blog LOL
I also have come in to my own in my thirties, in fact I wouldn't go back to my twenties for a million bucks.
I have seen a few pics of you and I have to say your old self-image is not reality, you are very attractive in your pictures.
The problem ( other than seeking your fathers approval )is the unnatural and unattainable body image that Hollywood and the fashion industry promote, don't buy into it. I and several guys I know like "real" women, and real women come in different flavors, curvy, short, tall, athletic, bubbly ect. ect.
My grandma always said there is a lid for every pot. Having found my lid ( and without looking ANYTHING like a movie star) I agree.
It is a very nice post! You know...the second day after I created my blog I found your blog in the random search...what catched my attention was the name: "My Journey"...I readed it and since then I added you to my links for visit you. I identify myself with you. God is a very important presence in my life and I am a stay-home mom too.
You said that you want to be an instrument of God...and you are!
Thank you very much!
Although my 30th birthday is hanging over my head and I hate it, I know what you mean. I am glad to be coming into my own after adolesence. There is so much ore confidence and security in getting older. Even though I do miss my body from before I had kids!
Pretty is as pretty does. You are beautiful!
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