Friday, March 17, 2006

Things that Make Me Feel Beautiful...

For years- especially as a child- I felt ugly & unlovable. I was extremely insecure. I received constant criticism about my looks. Too fat, too fair, too freckled, too short, too thin, etc.- eventually I believed I was completely unnattractive. I punished myself by starving/throwing up. There's something magical about your 30's though. Somehow, with the love of my husband, deeper relationship with my God, greater wisdom & experience there comes a certain confidence I can't explain. The only word I can think of is "Settling". I'm learning it's okay to like myself and be me. I still don't feel beautiful very often, (Don't like seeing pictures of myself) but today, through a simple gesture, I felt beautiful- no Radiant! You see, thanks to feminist rhetoric, women aren't treated as if they're beautiful/feminine creatures anymore. I miss that! I'm a forward thinker, in many ways, but I'm still old fashioned. I like having the car door opened, my chair pulled out. Okay, I hear you asking, "Well, what happened that made you feel beautiful??" Really quite simple: I was going into the gas station, an older man- probably in his early-mid 50's was coming out. He took a few steps past the door, noticed me, stopped, smiled big, tipped his hat, then rushed to open the door for me. I smiled and thanked him. Still smiling at me he said, "You're sure welcome, little lady"! I loved it!! People are still polite here and that's why I LOVE living in the South. See- you don't have to move mountains to make somebody's day brighter...

I grew up being a radical tom-boy. Didn't always get much attention from my Dad. Thought my hero didn't have time for me because I was a girl, so I tried my best to be a boy. In a sense, I was the ultimate feminist. Anything a boy could do, I set out to do. I even had my hair cut in a flat-top once when I was in the 5th grade. I was rough- people didn't want to mess with me! Rode any horse brought my way and played just about every sport public school offered. I hung out on the B-ball court in the projects- until it became unsafe to do so. I was fit & sporty- no frills or fluff for me- which drove my dear, ultra-feminine Mother nuts. She wanted me to be Shirley Temple, I wanted to be Susan Powter. Girls at school often hated me & made life miserable. However, things have changed. Feeling the power of my body to bear & nurse children was when my attitude started to change. And now this sweet "becoming" of me... it's been a gradual awakening, but I like what I'm feeling. I paint my toe-nails sassy colors, wear perfumes & lotions. I enjoy feminine styles & hair arrangements. I feel beautiful working out, embracing a small child, dancing barefoot in the rain, attending the symphony (I always cry), when my husband takes me on a date or brings flowers. Also feel lovely wearing pearls, singing to God, and when someone just notices me- like the stranger at the gas station. Sometimes as a stay-home Mom, I feel silenced & invisible. I was once a leader, people viewed me as competent, now everyone else gets to be the leaders- I tend to go along for the ride. (Don't want to make waves) Sometimes I feel buried by responsibilities so nobody can see who I am anymore. For this reason, I wish to thank my readers. It means a lot to me that with millions of Blogs out there, you stop by, read my thoughts and leave your comments. You have given me a voice again. You have NO idea how much it means! THANK YOU!!

6 comments:

Andy said...

I'm glad I stumbled here via our brother Chez in Bangalore. I'm enjoying reading about your journey.

Keep it going, sister...

Unknown said...

No prob. and there is NO code in my last blog LOL

Royce said...

I also have come in to my own in my thirties, in fact I wouldn't go back to my twenties for a million bucks.
I have seen a few pics of you and I have to say your old self-image is not reality, you are very attractive in your pictures.
The problem ( other than seeking your fathers approval )is the unnatural and unattainable body image that Hollywood and the fashion industry promote, don't buy into it. I and several guys I know like "real" women, and real women come in different flavors, curvy, short, tall, athletic, bubbly ect. ect.
My grandma always said there is a lid for every pot. Having found my lid ( and without looking ANYTHING like a movie star) I agree.

Ana Victoria said...

It is a very nice post! You know...the second day after I created my blog I found your blog in the random search...what catched my attention was the name: "My Journey"...I readed it and since then I added you to my links for visit you. I identify myself with you. God is a very important presence in my life and I am a stay-home mom too.
You said that you want to be an instrument of God...and you are!
Thank you very much!

Gingers Mom said...

Although my 30th birthday is hanging over my head and I hate it, I know what you mean. I am glad to be coming into my own after adolesence. There is so much ore confidence and security in getting older. Even though I do miss my body from before I had kids!

Anonymous said...

Pretty is as pretty does. You are beautiful!