Coming Out of the Dark!

It's been a looong week. Worked my tail off, but I'm lovin' it! Trained in for Front Desk at the YMCA this week. It's been hectic, but fun. Other employees have a good time picking on me. For example, Kelly- the one training me kept playing jokes on me. Part of my job at Front Desk is to answer the phone and page staff. Well, I still don't know the names of all the staff, and we are supposed to page people by first & last names. I'd answer the phone, then have to ask Kelly, "What's so & so's last name?" before paging them. She kept telling me the wrong last names or mispronouncing them and I'd page over the entire building with the wrong name. HA HA- the staff kept coming by the desk and kindly correcting me on how to pronounce their names. OOPS! Two of the guys from the maintenance staff actually switched name tags. Not an easy thing to do since we all wear photo ID's. They somehow stuck their pictures on the other guys name tags, then as they passed the front desk, I would give them their messages and they would say, "That's nice, but I'm not Bill, I'm Jack". OKAY, by the end of yesterday I figured I could have a little fun too, so I pulled my hair into a tacky side ponytail, had the other girl from the front desk make me a new ID badge. Anyway, I crossed my eyes and bucked out my teeth for the picture- looks REALLY geeky! Then we picked the name 'Greta Goolahee' and put that on my new badge. Today, I will wear my new ID and see if anyone notices- if they try to call me by my real name, I'm not going to answer. LOL I'm SO glad I'm on staff there. :o) I'm glad today is Friday. My Dad & Stepmom are coming to visit this weekend.

The depression continues to lift! My man and I had some talks about our relationship recently and identified things that need to change in order for our marriage to thrive. I've been open & honest as to the effects his distant behavior has had on me- it contributed greatly to my depression. All his sleeping, the workaholism, the sudden bursts of anger, his lack of direction or enthusiasm have caused me to feel lonely & insignificant. (Worst of all, I have nobody to talk to about this.) Being married to a "Nice guy" is tough, because people just assume if there are problems, it must be my fault or that I'm just too hard to please. Anyway, we tried to go to bed early last night- we are both exhausted, but ended up having a really good, much-needed talk. I felt a lot more connected and hopeful after that. He admits that he's also been depressed and agreed to seek help somehow or to try and follow my lead to bust out of the rut. Basically, I'm tired of doing a song & dance trying to get his attention. He says his lack of motivation for romance or relationship with me is due to the fact that he doesn't love himself. He said he has never known who he is or what he wants from life. Getting fired from LifeTalk didn't help that any- as it was pretty much his whole identity. Our energy levels don't match. I'm a dreamer with ambition and he's content to sit back and let the world pass him by. We both agree that we got married too young (I was only 19) and had a family too soon. But here we are with 4 beautiful kids and we're trying. He is apologetic and is asking me to understand while he works through his identity crisis. I'm trying to be patient- waited 13 yrs for him to decide he really does love me. Marriage is a two-way street and he's been supportive of me as I've worked through my issues- holding me when I have nightmares and wiping my tears. He wants to go camping by himself to see if he can figure out who he is and what he wants. I think this is a great idea. He doesn't process things as easily or as quickly as I do. I just hope it doesn't take forever for us to get things figured out. Life is too short to spin your wheels! I don't want to wait till we're old and shriveled to get it together, I want to be connected while we're still young and energetic so we can experience the fullness of relationship- in every aspect. Also, it would be nice to get it together while the kids are still around... this is a matter that weighs heavily on me and most of my prayer life is asking God to make me a better person. I feel my own inadequacy very deeply...

The kids' first week at school has gone really well. They come home with smiles on their faces every afternoon. This makes me feel good! They are bright, well-behaved children who warm my heart. :o) My schedule has been such that I can be here when they get off the bus. God, thank you for giving me a full life! Work, kids, fitness, music and organizations to be involved with. Enough joys to keep me going, enough challenges to keep me growing...