The late, great guitarist Michael Hedges recorded a song called 'Face Yourself'. The song amazes me:
Now or never, face yourself
no one else will do
face your weakness, face your past
let your scars show through
It's now or never, don't look back
just say, you're gone
gone away, drawn away.......
Binary numbers, media mass (the memories)
I let my mind thumb through
off on, I'm off on- sitcom
my cathode eyes obey
zero one zero, 1984
Just say, I'm gone
I'm gone away, drawn away.....
Face yourself,
Face yourself,
Face yourself
ahhhh, face yourself
I have a lover who drew me up (for me, this is Jesus Christ)
out of my little world
we talk together and we touch our souls (prayer)
we share a common ground (suffering)
So if you see Sonya or any glitter girls
just say I'm gone
I'm gone away,
drawn away......
Chorus
Deep expressions from a man who wrestled with himself. Interestingly enough, he mentions 1984- one of the worst years of my life... parents fighting, big changes, poverty, grades fell, sexual abuse, intense fear, Scarlet Fever, suicidal thoughts, shame, no one to turn to, living a big lie, going through the motions, fragile shell of a person... Passages written into my life story that I didn't ask for, but must deal with. Coping mechanisms kicked in, blocking out the reality of what was happening to me. As my firstborn reached the age I was during the year from hell, I started having nightmares- memories resurface. I have a vivid memory. To the amazement of my family, I can recall what I got for Christmas when I was 2. In therapy years ago, I couldn't recall ages 10 & 11- it was like they were largely erased. All I have is flash memories of things that happened- ugly snapshots in my head. (Can't afford counseling now, don't feel friends/family can handle listening... I have a life to live & so do they, so this journal is where I'm working it out, while my family sleeps- I lay it out for examination- without going into graphic detail.)
My posts the last few months have been quite Melancholy. In order to breakthrough to the other side of this emotional hurdle, it's a MUST to face the past, then let it go. It's also a vital step to build a gameplan for a better future. I don't want to run all my life or bury myself under some addiction in order to avoid dealing with things. There is SO MUCH beauty to be felt- experienced in this life! We often miss out on the many blessings because we're afraid to deal with our baggage. To feel sadness doesn't mean we're less of a person or that our faith is weak. Pain is real, but so is healing. Depression steals away the ability to enjoy life as we should. Some weep, others sleep... but I'm a fighter and WILL bust out of this rut! It's been tough, but I'm glad to be sorting things out now- life is too short to linger here... I'm not the first person to go through this- why does it feel so lonely?
God, show me who I am, then cover me with Who You are...
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5 comments:
Thanks Brian. Hey, it goes both ways. I'm getting there...
Depression has a way of coming in and encoding itself into your identity. I don't want sadness to become my permanent address. I appreciate your prayers. :o)
Yes, I think the inner child is very important. Children are simple, they are trusting, teachable and open. Then bad things happen and the mature part of us shuts down, becoming defensive and suspicious. But deep inside there's a part that still wants to see the world as a good place and needs to trust again. My inner child is delighted by things most people don't even notice. I'm not ashamed to say that "simple mind, simple pleasures" applies to me. :o)
Great Poem
The final paragraph
Is that a prayer, a wish, a sentiment, a feeling, an emotion, a ray of light, or physical
sugar & spice and all things nice
lots of hugs & 1000 best wishes! Q
Hello TL,
Sorrow for Someone who has suffered more than we have is the only thing that will get us out of depression and help us forget our past. Did He really suffer more than me? Then how so? Look and live. Where there is no vision of Him, the people perish.
Love ya, sister.
David
Quasar, I think it's some of both- a prayer and a sentiment.
David, Yes, I relate to Jesus because He was a man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief. He can relate to my feelings and I love Him for it. :o) Take care.
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