Stirrings in the Heart...

So, in the midst of my struggle with depression, at the tail-end of an 10 year string of misfortune and overwhelming changes, during the most intense questioning phase I have ever gone through, I am affirmed that YES, I have done something right as a parent!! You see, my oldest daughter is asking her own questions now. This is good! At nearly 12, she is weighing things out for herself. Something is really working on her heart. She is asking, "How do I hear God?", "Does He really love me- even though I make mistakes?", "What happens if I die?". These may seem like simple questions, but to a 12 year old, these are consuming thoughts. I remember being 12 or 13, inching my way toward adulthood, asking the same and wondering how in the world I was going to make it through life with a shattered heart.
My daughter hasn't been shattered. She has never had to face the intense trials that I endured at her age. However, she wants to be right with us and with God. I keep telling her that she will find the answers she seeks, but some of the answers only come with time and experience.

When we see a billboard, or hear a commercial on television and she demonstrates objective reasoning toward it! YES- that's MY girl!!! I don't want my children spoonfed. Not raising them to interpret scripture as strictly as possible, or to rigidly uphold somebody's rhetoric. I don't want to bring up pew-warmers who know all the right catch phrases & proof texts. I'm raising them to be openhearted, loving individuals who live abundantly, reverence the Creator God and respect the preciousness of others. I want them to value all people. I want their focus not to be on changing others, but on allowing themselves to be changed into the likeness of Almighty God.

Lately, my oldest daughter comes to me with tears in her eyes at night when she should be in bed, just to hold my hand and thank me for being her Mom and for loving her. This means so much to me!!! So is this part of the reward for changing poopie diapers, staying up at night and getting puked on??

Around the age of 8, she got really interested in jewelry. Now, that is against the religion we were involved with and for many years I was quite strict on this issue- though NOBODY ever explained to me from scripture why it's a sin to wear jewelry. I wouldn't even allow her a doll if it had jewelry on. The church ladies said, "Don't let her have any of it, if you do, a seed of vanity will be planted- from which you will never break her free". Someone else told me, "Is this a hill worth dying on? Jewelry is nothing but stuff, let her have it and she will soon see that." After much prayer and consideration, I decided that in the end, it will be my daughter who must choose. We let her have it, but said wearing too much is gaudy and looks tacky. She has NEVER gone overboard with it. Today, I recommended a bead necklace for her outfit and she said, "No thanks, Mama- I don't want to look overdone." BRAVO!!

To those critical of our "liberal" methods, I would say, every time my daughter- of her own free will, comes tearfully confessing a wrong, God is lifting up my head- His way works. It's not about mind control, overly protecting, applying guilt-trips to manipulate behavior or planting a fear of Hell into a person in order to get them on the "path of righteousness". His way is LOVE, pure, simple, unadulterated kindness, acceptance and forgiveness. So many people have been turned against God by well-meaning people with BAD psychology and outreach methods. I've learned that sometimes, in order to hold on to our children, we must let go and let God. Hang around with kids from a rigid home- they are mirror images of their parents. Overly-cautious, highly opinionated and full of hateful criticism. Their worldview is narrow- like the man I described in my previous post. It breaks my heart! Hang around someone who dwells on the love of God and you find them warm, genuinely appealing. These children aren't mine, they are God's. I'm only someone to supervise their time here on earth. Yes, I need to provide structure and discipline, but I also need to allow the freedom for their mind to develop. I must accept them for who they are and WOW- I love who God is making them!!!