I've been baptized 4 times now. First I was 10- my friends were getting baptized, my Mom was getting re-baptized. Though I had very little heart for God at the time, it was "the thing to do". I was disappointed when I came out of the baptismal tank to find I was still the same person. I had the impression there was something magical about the water- somehow, I would go in a sinner and come out completely different. NOT SO! The act of baptism is only a symbol- not a magic ritual. Change & growth in a Christian is the journey of a lifetime, not some instant slam-dunk transformation.
At 16, I was in private school. After hearing a powerful, forward-thinking speaker who presented the love of God, I went forward with 42 other young people and gave my heart to The Lord. I had good intentions, but I was still not converted.... I wanted to be a Christian, because I wanted to be right all the time. I wanted people to say I was a good person. I wanted to work my way up the ladder of power in our denomination and be a great worker for God. Christianity was attractive because I had sub-zero self-esteem and no sense of belonging. I wanted to be one of the "elite", the Remnant- one of the last guardians of truth. Outreach was all about proof-texting & proof-quoting people into submission to my ideals.
Third time I got baptized it was into a cultish mentality. I felt my other baptisms didn't count because I was still eating meat & cheese. Now that I was strict vegan, wearing a dress all the time, my hair in a bun, could quote much of the writings of a certain lady, didn't listen to any of that modern Christian music with "satanic drums", had removed my wedding band, only ate 2 meals a day and was homeschooling- I had changed and was ready for translation. It was with a proud heart I entered the tank- as if I finally had put all of the pieces to the puzzle in place. However, I was a deciever, because although I looked squeaky-clean & conservative on the outside- a MAJOR struggle was going on in the privacy of my home. You see, when I was 10 yrs old a sexual predator introduced me to pornography. At first I thought it was disgusting, but then I developed an appetite for the stuff. Sheer will-power & painful memories kept me from viewing it for years. Then, as a lonely stay-home Mom lured by pop-up ads online, I soon found myself indulging a taste for porn. I was addicted for months- no matter how hard I tried to walk away from it! I felt terrible guilt. So in order to feel less rotten, I kicked my self-tranformation into high-gear. The people at church were patting me on the back for my outspoken, ultra-conservative ways, but underneath, I knew it was all a cover-up. One night in an exhausted, sobbing heap, I told my husband the truth saying, "If this is all there is to religion, I'm OUT!" Deep in my heart I've always known there IS a God, but I was worn out with religion. (I was NEVER good enough. No matter how strict, there was always someone in the church willing to point out where I needed to change. Nobody ever focused on how much God loves me or taught me Christ IS my perfection.) Unless God moved in a BIG way, I said I would abandon Christianity and I would be better off dead. Well, just 2 wks after that cry of desperation, the study group we were with split-up. Suddenly everyone was moving cross-country! Holy Spirit spoke to me saying, "Tear down this wall of beliefs you built and I will rebuild it with Truth." I dropped my pursuit of prophecy, I stopped trying to emulate EGW- a fellow human being, and began studying the simple Gospels. I found a loving, humble, down-to-earth Jesus who related to sinners in a non-judgemental way. I found a Savior who said "REST" when so many others were saying "Work harder". The 4th time I was baptized, I went under with the Good News, knowing I have NOTHING to offer God but a broken heart- and God loves me anyway. The Bible has come alive for me- for the first time! I can be real, honest and truly love other people!! It's amazing!!! I'm no longer a stereotype- I'm free to be ME. Things that aren't good fall away as my heart is changed into the likeness of the One who loves me. I've received victory over both Bulimarexia and viewing dirty pictures. I don't have perfect judgement- I mess up on a daily basis, but there is forgiveness. Religion saves no one, 10 commands have no power to change us. More than denominational affiliation, perfect church attendence or plain jane appearances, God wants our hearts. I'm excited to see what God has in store for my journey. So there you have it- keepin' it real- no false pretenses. I'm NO better (or worse) than anyone else. ALL who seek Jesus will find Him. What has your journey been like?
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12 comments:
I gather you are/were an SDA. That's one thing I dont understand, why with so many good beliefs, your church fails to get the main point acrossed and thats Jesus! My church doesnt have it all together either, but we do have Jesus. He is the main part of our faith. Maybe you should consider becoming a Baptist?
I suggest you consider the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. You will find that God's Grace is the center of the theology and most preaching there. Wherever you go, take your close walk with our Savior with you and remember: it is by Grace you are saved (Ephesians 2:8).
Okay, as an SDA something must be clarified. MANY SDAs have Jesus as the center of their faith. As you relate your experiences maybe some of our fellow Christians who are not SDAs will get the wrong impression of us and think that you won't find Christ at all among the SDAs.
Ive known some Christ-focused SDA's. Trailady is simply sharing her experience as an individual. Anonymous, surely you must admit prophecy, the law, sabbath and lifestyle topics have long been the main thrusts of SDA's? I have attended SDA seminars in the past and only 1 night was devoted to the gospel while the rest was all of the above. Trailady, Im glad you have dropped the false pretenses and shared your story with us! If Trailady is SDA, She is certainly one who loves Jesus. As I mentioned, my church doesn't have it all together eaither. Im not sure any church does? It boils down to relationship. Keep growing!
Hello All & thank you for your comments!! :o) The purpose of my blog is NOT to build up one denomination over another. My goal isn't to recruit people to a particular religion. I only wish to share what God has done & is doing in my life. My purpose is to be honest and encourage people of ALL faiths to see how greatly they are loved & to have an intimate relationship with their Creator. I'm sorry if this is disappointing to some of you. (I was deliberately vague in this post so as NOT to point a finger at any one religion.) I accept FULL responsibility & cannot blame my spiritual struggles on anyone else. I was the one who failed to read the Bible for myself. I allowed myself to be persuaded by those who were well-meaning, but inaccurate. I'm now part of a wonderful church family where I have found acceptance & a strong focus on 'Righteousness by Faith'. God is good! :o)
You had a long, rough road to travel. I know this since we've been friends for so many years. I am thankful for your courage! You aren't the only one who has struggled with legal religion. You would think we would all have it figured out by now. LOL Thank Heavens for Jesus and the peace He gives or I would have given up long ago. God bless you and I appreiciate you sharing this.
Anonymous, how dare she share her experience and risk spoiling the precious reputation of the remnant! Why not tell her you're sorry for what she's been thru and admit there are many in your church who still need Jesus? Better yet rejoice with her for victory gained. As always, it's not the individual that counts, but the big church mentality that wins out. Protect the church at all costs
Okay 2 cents, I'm not protecting the faith at all costs but just going off the comments made in response to her post. Oviously, sloopy and muddy felt like it was a denominational issue because in their comments they're offering up their denomintaions as solutions, albeit not perfect ones. Just making my comments in response to theirs. Yes, I'm very thankful and joyful over trailady's victory and continued growth. That is the focus and I see that focus in churches of all denomiations!
How did a post about the grace and love of God create comments about denominations?? The entire point is that Christ is not found in a particular denomination. There are many people in EVERY denomination who do not have a real and genuine walk with Christ (I know because I am one of them!).
I appreciated this post very much. I admire your honesty. I also was introduced to porn when I was young (around 9 or 10) and indulged it for many years. I put it behind me during Bible college and for a few years after that until I was given my own laptop and the wonders of the internet dropped unlimited porn in my lap during a time when I was insanely lonely and bored and disillusioned with everything. I know what it is to struggle with that (I also became overly "holy" - there is a center spread of me in my college yearbook - "Lucy, misisonary to India"). What a lie! I have tasted a bit of the grace of God but I am still just beginning my journey. Thank you for your refreshingly honest post.
Paul expressed his and our struggles in Romans 7:7 (or was that just hypothetical?) If it wasn't hypothetical, it was the pure honest man that everyone "clave" to and missed dearly when he would move on. But his weaknesses wasn't the focus, only the springboard to the Focus. Jesus had no weaknesses to confess to, but He was misunderstood so often it was like living out assumed weaknesses in Him. "He was gone to be a guest of a man that is a sinner!" "If this man were a prophet, surely he would know that that woman is a prostitute!" He sure knew how to wake up our thinking caps! He knew how to lay aside our prejudices and allow the arrows of conviction in! Yet exposing hypocrites wasn't His main purpose, except to help them see their fault so that He could then show them the exalted mercy of God for them individually. It's not all about the sinner, its all about the Saviour.
I am an SDA who is seeing prophecy being fulfilled in the front page of the newpapers. I love the health message, and the rest of God's law. I also love and am getting to love better the Jesus who was and is more than just a nice guy, but one who stood and stands for the mountain of God's righteousness, both in terrible justice and in tender mercy. The more I think about it, the more I respect and love Him deeply.
Just a side note to all.... in my sharing my testimonial, I did not in any way wish to say the prophecy or 10 commandments are unimportant- only that these things do not save us and had become such a focus for me that I did not take time to study my Savior. Anything spiritual or religious without Christ as the center is useless. I appreciate all your comments!! :o)
And we appreciate yours!
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