There are many philosophies out there. Each one claiming to be the most authentic representative of Truth. It's enough to make your head spin!! (Forgive me, I'm still thinking outloud as I try to make sense of my life.)
I felt a connection with God from as early as I can remember. I was aware of Him as a very small child. My existence has been one of open-heartedness. My curiosity is insatiable- my passion for life, learning, truth and meaning runs deep. I am a seeker. Don't know if I'm worthy to be called anything BUT a seeker. To say one is a Christian bears a lot of weight and should not be taken lightly. Furthermore to claim a denomination puts even more responsibility on your shoulders because unless your behavior matches the "status quo" of the religion professed, you will never hold any rank. It's a lot of pressure. Too many paths to explore and too many fences to climb over... I don't need correction & censure. Right now I just need to be loved. (I SO appreciate all the kind words offered by the readers of this blog.) I am NOT used to this. I feel like a scared little girl who wants to run to her Daddy's arms- there is no such comfort for me.
I'm doing my best to go uphill and not down. There are bumps in the road and deep ditches on either side. Rather than see my weariness at pulling such a heavy load, most people say, "You need to go this way- this is the path you should be on", "Trust me to steer you right" and "You're going about this all wrong- you'll never succeed". Often, they only slow me down. I am seeking to follow the Light. It is blinding as it penetrates- revealing every flaw. I cannot tell you how painful it is too see who I really am- church face & false pretenses laid aside. Goals? Good intentions?? I've got a ton of those, but living them out is difficult. God MUST have mercy on me for I never asked to be born... just doing my best with what I have to work with here.
Like a wild horse I do not want to be owned or manipulated. I want fresh air & freedom, permission to journey at my own pace in green pastures. I want to know what it is to be carefree. I don't want to be placed neatly in a corral, branded, and put to hard labor. I don't want to go through life with blinders on accepting & obeying whatever people tell me- that's not enough for me. In my heart, I feel I'm on the right track here- hard as it is. I'm willing to be misunderstood if that's what it takes, but things must be settled in my soul...
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7 comments:
I am seeking to follow the Light. It is blinding as it penetrates- revealing every flaw.
lovely statement that and such a noble quest.
Shadows are but proof that the light exists - my son told me that today
Blessings on your quest
TrailLady, you are much wiser than you were a few years ago. There is a lot I have learned from you - your honesty, your dedication, and compassion, your frankness.
We can only strive (will), and not necessarily produce results. Thats is in our God's Hands. God loves to see us strive, and strive in constancy for that is one of the most beloved sights to Him.
Good and bad always comes, and then goes. It is inescapable untill death. Take things one step at a time. That is the law of nature - the law of harvest. Each one of us is a jewel until one becomes arrogant and ignorant at the same time.
You are believer in God, and He lies between yourself and your heart. Nothing of you is missed or overlooked by Him. Every intention and feeling in you does not get to you before it gets to Him. When God, Most High allows harm to befall upon us, none can prevent it, and when He protects and guides us, none can misguide of harm us. Seek your comfort in Him in a way that comes natural to you, and in a way you know best.
Hi Maryellen, thanks for stopping in. Come anytime. My blog isn't usually so depressing, I'm just in a tough spot right now...
Brain, thank you for being a faithful reader and for sharing your thoughts. I always enjoy what you have to say.
Brainsyke, your words are so true and very beautiful. Thanks.
Tough spots are God's specialty. As I've heard from time to time out here in these Ozark hills, "If it wern't tough, it wouldn't be worth it." I understand what you are saying about not being fenced in, as long as those are only the man made fences you are speaking of. With God, there are always fences. It reminds me of the ranchers and horse owners I know here. As good stewards of their herds, they keep them fenced most of the time to keep them safe. Jesus has given us rules and regulations about many (if not all) areas of our lives for our own good, not to keep us from something "fun" just to be mean to us. Fences are helpful, even the ones you have built for your kids. Building those fences and enforcing them is an act of love. It is for God as well.
I understand the desire to be free like a wild horse. No boundaries. No limitations. No manipulation.
Just remember that the wild horse has to constantly watch for danger. They have to concern themselves with where the next meal will come from or where they will get a drink of good cool water. The horse that has willingly (or unwillingly through being broken) given their freedom to the control of a kind owner lives a carefree life. The food is provided, shelter is assured, water is abundant, medical care is given when needed.
A wild horse knows no peace. A horse that has submitted to the will of the GOOD owner is always satisfied.
God bless you in your journey.
I know that you are a seeker, as am I. I am so encouraged though, by the promises in the Bible that I will not always be so. We are told, "Seek and you WILL find." And, "You will search (seek) for Me and will find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." How I long for the day when I can say, "I am no longer a seeker. I am now a finder."
Amen to Karl.
Good thoughts, Karl! Absolutely there are absolutes. However there are many things that are debatable. I'm not at all against God's boundaries. Only the ones placed on me by people who wish to control my mind. I don't like it when people say it's a sin to think, to examine my faith, to question why things are as they are. This is what I "buck" against.
Until I look upon the face of God, I will be a seeker. He reveals little snapshots of Himself along the journey, but I seek the complete picture of Him. Unfortunately many of the snapshots I got from the church at large are negatives that aren't accurate anymore...
Sola scriptura, sola fida, sola spiritus, sola gratia
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