My man came home and went to bed at 6:30pm without a word to any of us. This depression is crushing the life out of him. Nothing I say or do seems to be of any use- the more I reach out the more he pushes me away. It cuts like a knife. I'm sitting up late. It's after midnight. The pain, chaos, lonliness and burdens of life seem to be forcing the air from my chest. I've cried out to God until all I have the strength to pray is "Help me, Lord". Somehow every morning I put one foot in front of the other and for that I am grateful, but a sure answer- a strong evidence of God's will is what I'm begging for. Tomorrow, I will burn my frustration at the gym and ride the adrenaline for a while. For now, like so many nights before, I sit listening to music that will comfort. The late-great Rich Mullins (pictured right) sings me a lullaby tonight. The lyrics:Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains seem so big and my faith just seems so small
So hold me, Jesus cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?
And I wait up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me, Jesus cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
than to take what You give that I need
and I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, falling on my knees
And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your Grace rings out so deep, it makes my resistence seem so thin
So hold me, Jesus cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been my King of glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?
Want to hear the song?
Go to: http://www.music.msn.com/artist/?artist=16072133 Click on 'Hold Me, Jesus'
Thanks Rich for being real and for putting it so eloquently... miss you, man....
6 comments:
Thank you for the insights, Brian. :o) I agree with you fully.
I know they are trying to be helpful, but usually the first things people say are: "Snap out of it", "You just need more faith" and "Have you been paying your tithe?". Saying these things to a depressed person is like pouring salt in an open wound.
We all have low times and it's not fair for others to decide when it is and isn't appropriate to be tested.
Trailady I agree with you, peoples advice often does more harm than good.
Having a depressed mate sucks, you feel like no matter what you do they don't feel the same way about you.
Then someone comes along and blames you, in an indirect way.
Dealing with being ignored is bad enough without judgemental people around.
Sorry your guy is depressed, I feel ya' on this one for sure.
There has been a lot of blame & opinions given from outsiders. He comes from a functional home- a Pastor's kid and I from a dysfunctional family. So it's obvious to many people that if we have problems it's all MY fault.
I've had my share of depression too and he was patient with me, so I'm trying to be patient with him. But my depression lasts several days. His goes on for years so it's a long wait. Anyway, I probably shouldn't burden the readers of this blog with all this... better days ahead, I'm sure...
I ain't trying to insult anyone or be inflamatory at all, but being a Pastors kid can lead to depression.
Only half joking here, I have seen it a lot the worst kids were from the srtictest parents. And sometimes the most repressed kids also.
I know that statement might be inflamatory and it is not my intention, just my opinion.
Anyhow I still feel ya', relationships a about celebration of life, love, and beauty. I know ther is a lot of other stuff also like hard work and comprimise. But there are those moments that just make it all worth it. And if they are few and far betwen it's very hard.
Royce, I don't feel your statement was in any way inflammatory. There's a TON of pressure to be perfect when you are a Pastor's kid. You're taught to deny your own thoughts & feelings for the sake of appearances. It's a terrible way to live when you can't be real...
Not all PK's are this way, but I've known a lot of them, including the one I married. Many are having serious problems trying to get in touch with themselves...
As a PK myself, yes growing up as one DEFINETLY effects your life as an . You are exposed to so many things - harsh things as a direct result of your parent's calling. My parents were FABULOUS parents, but I saw a lot of evil in the church and experience alot of pain. God bless your husband, I can only imagine how hard this is for both of you.
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