What do you do? How do you cope when time and time again you witness or experience the unravelling of lives, dreams, careers and faith?
How do you stand helplessly by with no resources by which to help the situation? Words are not enough and all the love I can give barely soothes fevered souls. My heart is raw and weary of struggle. I am trembling inside, yet trying to hold it together, maintain composure and be strong. Am I hurting for everyone else, or for myself? Perhaps both. I am undone... God what are You doing here? I am afraid...
I have seen a side of someone I love in past years that I never saw before. I am disenchanted- yet determined... There are holes in the walls. Doors have been ripped off hinges and furniture hurled. Underground rivers of pent up emotion and resentment broil to the surface with great force and it scares me. I shrink and tremble inside. I look at the sleeping faces of my sweet children. So innocent. I want more than anything to protect them from the hurts in this world, to show them nothing but life's joys. They look to me to guide and protect them and I cannot let them down...
I have a more honest view of who I am these days. I am not so brave as people think and it cuts like a knife. All pretenses fade away into a new reality. My life is not so tidy and I am not so together as I thought I was. Sometimes being real cuts so deeply. Oh God, do not turn away from me. I am fragile. I see my great need for You. Have mercy on me in this refining, for I do not know how long I can stand against this mighty wind.
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8 comments:
you said it. 'unravelling'. that pretty much says it all. i feel like all sides are against me. i see the evil one working his black magic in my home, my career, my dreams, and my confidence is shaken. no not shaken. broken. i don't know what God's purpose means anymore. does it mean more pain? does it mean more brokenness? i don't know how much more i am capable of taking. all i have is God. all i have is His promise: 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'
is He using me to witness to someone else? is He providing a way for me to bear testimony of what it really means to trust Him with everything? i don't know. all i know is that God is. even today, when that fact seems un-understandable. God is.
courage my seeking friend. God is. whatever that means in your life today - God is, and was, and will be. maybe that just means that you're not alone. He is with you. He will fix things. He will make all things new.
keep seeking. you will find more of Him.
A.Friend
Be patient, hopeful, and continue to seek God's guidance...you shall certainly find it.
"Time is witness that, surely, mankind suffers loss, except for those of faith, Who do good, and become a model of truthful living, and together practice patience and constancy."
Quran:103
Not so long ago I stood for a year or two completely invisible to myself, under such prolonged circumstances that killed my imagination, and I saw no future, and no past - death or living was the same.
Praise be to God, that test is over, I just worry constantly about what test lies ahead.
Our God, Most High, Most Merciful, Most Gracious, and All knowing has said...
003.010 Those who reject Faith,- neither their possessions nor their (numerous) progeny will avail them aught against God: They are themselves but fuel for the Fire.
003.186 Ye shall certainly be tried and tested in your possessions and in your personal selves; and ye shall certainly Hear much that will grieve you, from those who received the Book before you and from those who worship many gods. But if ye persevere patiently, and guard against evil,-then that will be a determining factor in all affairs.
[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed - and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving. (Quran, 67:2)
Then do they not reflect upon the Quran? (i.e. its meanings and its objective) If it had been from [any] other than Allah, they would have found within it much contradiction. (Quran, 4:82)
Every soul will taste death. And We test you with evil and with good as trial; and to Us you will be returned. (Quran, 21:35)
May God uplift you,Traillady
A. Friend, Thanks for stopping by my blog, feel free to visit anytime. Sorry to hear that you are also in a wilderness experience- it's not a fun place to be. It's difficult to trust, to hold on when you feel broken. I find comfort in knowing every great man of God had a wilderness to face. Jacob, Joseph, David, Moses. They all messed up and at times their lives seemed somewhat pointless. In order to surrender fully to the strength of God, our weakness must be fully revealed. Many people run from this process, I encourage you to embrace it. (It sounds like you are already doing this) I trust that God will sustain you in whatever crisis you are facing. Bless you!
Brain, Once again, you have offered some great insights. I very much enjoyed the passages from the Quran! I can relate with what you said about wondering constantly what test lies ahead. It's hard to relax when you're waiting for the ax to fall. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Brian! You are such a caring person. :o) I know life WILL get better. As an optimist, this has always been my attitude- it's just a matter of hanging in there in the meantime... and not doing something foolish.
I'm sorry you are going through such a terrible time. You are not alone. It may sound simple, but is true that pain is really just the release of weakness. You will become stronger for all your experiences, and when you are feeling most alone, that is when God is keeping close. He loves you and is watching over you. I don't know all what you are going through, but I am happy to offer prayer. is there anything any of us can do for you??
I completely identify with what you say. Its very disenchanting to see a side of someone you love which you never expected. It was earth shattering for me. But hold on. You'll make it thru. Besides God, you got yourself. You are your biggest strength.
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